Have you ever experienced that you are not taking care of the stuff that you must and have self-destructive feelings as a result?
I am. As a matter of fact, it is a lot nowadays.
I have work-related, house-related, and personal healthy life-style related things to do; the majority of these have been on my to-do list for sometime. As such, the fact that I have not taken care of them makes me feel incapacitated and lazy. I do not like this feeling.
For work-related things: I am way behind some of them, which is really annoying. There were times that I took it light and did not work long-hours with a sharp focus. Then I went on vacation. Then I came back and the weather and the comfort of the home were so nice that I left the office early (though I kept doing light work at home). And eventually, now I am feeling very heavily the weight of the unfinished tasks. I have done a good job today at the cafe and then later at home, but still feeling not adequate… The only remedy is to have a hard-look at the items in my list and start committing my time and energy to them.
For house-related things: I have started some of them, but did not finish them all yet; caulking around the bathroom tubs, re-painting the window trims, staining the patches that lifted up on the front stairs and the back deck are the main ones. What am I waiting for? I do not know. To my credit, I have finished caulking around the windows and between the windows and the siding. Yet, it is not enough… And the weather will turn soon, start raining and all – I must complete these in a couple of weeks.
Also decluttering the house activity: I have done quite a bit; yet the most important one, the living room, has remained. It is the hardest as I have the most paperwork and clutter in this area. Again, what am I waiting for? (I am scared to start it, see; I know it will take me maybe a day or so to do a through job; I do not like seeing piles of stuff sorted out here and there. What is my solution??).
And for the healthy-life style related ones; implementing an eating healthy strategy is still a challenge. I did not go to office today and rather started working at the cafe. And guess what I have had for the breakfast? Muffin.. Who am I kidding? How am I going to lose weight and also nourish my body while I continue to eat bagels, muffins, and bread rather than whole meals? Why can I not cook meals for myself and refrain from those that I know are not good for me?
How about my walking and more exercise aim? I have not even walked today (only to and from a cafe 5 min away from my house). Why can I not work with the dumbbells at home, or do yoga or aerobic exercise following videos on youtube?
I think there is a little child inside me that prefers the comfort, easiness, and pleasure of not stretching myself to do these…. Even though I know that I must and I can. So who will win?
I had predicted earlier that that I would vent about my lack of discipline or dedication to the changes I would like to make… It is not something new, a consistent struggle, if you will. I am getting tired of this though (which is always a good sign – that means I will start taking steps).
Let’s see how this stage will go.
Once when I had vented here about my performance related to another change that I wanted to implement in my life, some of you had commented saying that I should be kind to myself and take it easy. I am kind to myself, but also have a tendency to choose the comfort over taking necessary items. So taking easy is out of equation – I have been taking it “easy” for quite some time.
I think my main challenge right now is to win over this internal fight, gather my strength, convince myself, and have a plan to follow. I will first start with the list of things I have done so far; at least they will give me a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I find this as a necessary step to realize that I am already in the middle of the road and I can just keep going, pushing forward. Then, I will have an itemized plan for every single tasks in my to-do-list.