am I the only one?

I cannot be the only one who is feeling a void part in their life; feeling the regrets for the choices made in the past that have shaped the life and life conditions for today; facing this steady and deep feeling of “I am missing something/a lot in my life“.

I cannot be.

I try to remember everybody I know in my life and the way they see their lives. Some have familial/marital problems, many have lost important people in their lives, some are dealing with or surviving critical illnesses and health problems, and so many have financial worries or hardship. I know no one who is fully content with their lives.

So after all, I must be okay, as I am not the only one.  In contrast, I seem to lack what others are wishing to have. I do not have a chronic health problem (very grateful); I am doing okay financially though I have worries for my retirement because of the future forecast of the global economy and limited savings/investments I have had so far (very grateful); I am safe and sound (very grateful); there is nothing much I can do to prevent the death of my loved ones (so acceptance…). I have every reasons to be happy!!!! So what am I bragging about?

My only problem is the lack of joy in my life.

Why is that?

Why do I not feel happy and joyful, unless I put an effort to remember things that make me happy, excited, and grateful (my joy journal page is a good example).

I do not know why I cannot be different. Smiling for no reason. Being excited by just the experience of life. Taking things a little bit easier. Realizing how lucky I am in so many different ways.

I know a couple of reasons:

  1. Taking everything, including myself, too serious: Partly because of the work I have. Everything needs to be free of error and the highest quality possible. When my work is dependent on others, certainly unless I trust them 100%, gaining confidence in the work produced is hard. I have suffered a lot from this and constant checking and correcting things. I gotta relax. I gotta relax into the process and hire people who are good. Really good. This gotta change. How?
  2. Not having interests and hobbies out of work/house life: My primary interest out of work is to read books, to read other resources, and to write. None of these requires to be away from home. Ok. What else? I am not interested in book or cooking clubs or others; I am not interested in vacationing in interesting places; I am not particularly interested in socializing; I am not interested in spending time out of my office or home, other than for cafe. So? what are my alternatives?
  3. Living alone for a long time: Since my teenage years, I have been away from my family first for education and then for my work and career. I have taken care of everything myself, as there has been no one around to help or support. I got cranky tired, and burnt out many times. I am over-protective of myself. I lack human compassion and support in near vicinity. For some reason, I have not formed my own family, with a spouse and kids. This has not been a conscious choice; it just has been what it has been. These meant that I had to not only support, protect, and take care of myself, but also cheer up and make happy.

So my final diagnosis is that I am not capable of being happy because I take everything serious, as a serious problem to solve right away, and I am not capable of finding things, activities, or people that will cheer me up, excite me, and make me happy.

So, the problem is me.

OK. They say finding the cause of the problem is finding the half of the solution.

I would like to get the strength to follow up on this 50% of the solution and take steps for the rest of the 50%.

I want to be happy and I want to make myself happy.

I guess from now on, I will have one great promise and duty for myself; to make myself happy.

I hope I will be granted the wisdom, opportunity, and clarity of mind that will help with me finding these ways to happiness….

16 thoughts on “am I the only one?

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  1. I struggle with the same thing. After years of being – and living – alone, keeping to myself, spending my free time reading and writing, I finally (through a strange sequence of circumstances) got myself someone who I consider a ‘best friend’. I’m so inept at relationships of any kind, I worry that I’ll screw something up and find myself ‘alone’ again. I’m wary of happiness, despite seeking it myself. I wish the best of luck to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for this comment – I too wish a wonderful and happy life and relationships for you. Somethings you wrote opened some cans of worms (in a good way) in me: “I’m wary of happiness, despite seeking it myself”… Boy – what a great point. This made me remember why I take everything so serious (because of the mistakes I have done in the past by not being careful or being ignorant/relaxed about them. their consequences have had huge effects on me later..). perhaps it is time for me to stop being such a big protector of myself/my work and let myself dare a little bit, relax a little bit, and take chances and trust more… I should be able to work on this… thanks again!


  2. Funny you write this. For many many years, all I wished for was a best friend. Seemed like it was an elusive mythical concept for me, much like a unicorn! Years later, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m an introvert and social gatherings exhaust me. I’m quite content to spend my days with my husband and my puppy, meeting up with friends only very occasionally. I live very close to my family, so I’m happy to see my grandparents, parents, brother + sister in law a few times a week for my social needs! Does that make me weird/a loner? lol I’m not sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do not think you are weird or loner – why would you? the way you describe your life; it seems to work well for you. I live alone and not highly social, but I do not think this makes me weird or lonely, either 🙂 whatever works is good.


  4. When I was going through a particularly hard time I.e. it felt everything made me miserable I tried to find something nice in every situation.
    It worked slowly but it’s helped me smile at little things again.
    I had joined meetup in my town. It was a no pressure way to meet new people and go out.
    Sending you hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. maybe we should not dwell too much on the “why” question? I do not know; I think sometimes our needs and circumstances change, and so do the things and people that make us happy. Happiness is an interesting concept that has been in my mind since my childhood. everybody deserves to be happy, so do we my friend. Be happy! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. No you are not the only one! We all have up and down periods and they can last for awhile. I too live alone, I don’t travel much, I prefer to stay in rather than go out, and I like it that way. You have a lot of “checks” in your favor. Maybe the reason you are feeling down right now is due to the loss of your father. I know I would be feeling down and it would take a while before I felt “happy” again. But know this, your Dad is in a far better place now and someday you will be with him again. He’s watching over you and wants you to be happy. It’s definitely harder on us when we lose a loved one than it is on the one who has passed. We are left behind feeling the loss and feeling sad and empty. You have some wonderful past-times, reading, writing and blogging. If you are really feeling down and would like to feel happy I would suggest you do something to help someone else. Whether it be volunteering in a soup kitchen maybe on a Saturday every once in a while, or visiting/reading to patients in nursing homes, or children in hospitals or even local pet shelters need people to come and cat cuddle or puppy cuddle so the pets get some loving. Helping others out always makes me feel better, I think you might find it helps you feel happier too! Good luck…and you are not alone!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you Deb – you are such a gentle and kind soul. You have many points which make perfect sense. I have not been happy for the majority of my life (not being happy does not mean I was unhappy, though), but I too believe the loss of my dad has a downing influence on me. helping others is a great idea that excited me – thanks for this suggestion. I will do something, thanks to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m truly happy if I helped to lift your spirits!! Let me know how you make out!! I’d love to know…go easy on yourself you just need sometime and indulge yourself. If you see or think of something that you’d like than try it…spend the day as a child would, happy and carefree..I know easier said then done but can’t hey why not give it a try. 🙂 xo

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Have you ever read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin? I really enjoyed that book and maybe it would give you some helpful ideas?

    Liked by 1 person

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