I cannot be the only one who is feeling a void part in their life; feeling the regrets for the choices made in the past that have shaped the life and life conditions for today; facing this steady and deep feeling of “I am missing something/a lot in my life“.
I cannot be.
I try to remember everybody I know in my life and the way they see their lives. Some have familial/marital problems, many have lost important people in their lives, some are dealing with or surviving critical illnesses and health problems, and so many have financial worries or hardship. I know no one who is fully content with their lives.
So after all, I must be okay, as I am not the only one. In contrast, I seem to lack what others are wishing to have. I do not have a chronic health problem (very grateful); I am doing okay financially though I have worries for my retirement because of the future forecast of the global economy and limited savings/investments I have had so far (very grateful); I am safe and sound (very grateful); there is nothing much I can do to prevent the death of my loved ones (so acceptance…). I have every reasons to be happy!!!! So what am I bragging about?
My only problem is the lack of joy in my life.
Why is that?
Why do I not feel happy and joyful, unless I put an effort to remember things that make me happy, excited, and grateful (my joy journal page is a good example).
I do not know why I cannot be different. Smiling for no reason. Being excited by just the experience of life. Taking things a little bit easier. Realizing how lucky I am in so many different ways.
I know a couple of reasons:
- Taking everything, including myself, too serious: Partly because of the work I have. Everything needs to be free of error and the highest quality possible. When my work is dependent on others, certainly unless I trust them 100%, gaining confidence in the work produced is hard. I have suffered a lot from this and constant checking and correcting things. I gotta relax. I gotta relax into the process and hire people who are good. Really good. This gotta change. How?
- Not having interests and hobbies out of work/house life: My primary interest out of work is to read books, to read other resources, and to write. None of these requires to be away from home. Ok. What else? I am not interested in book or cooking clubs or others; I am not interested in vacationing in interesting places; I am not particularly interested in socializing; I am not interested in spending time out of my office or home, other than for cafe. So? what are my alternatives?
- Living alone for a long time: Since my teenage years, I have been away from my family first for education and then for my work and career. I have taken care of everything myself, as there has been no one around to help or support. I got cranky tired, and burnt out many times. I am over-protective of myself. I lack human compassion and support in near vicinity. For some reason, I have not formed my own family, with a spouse and kids. This has not been a conscious choice; it just has been what it has been. These meant that I had to not only support, protect, and take care of myself, but also cheer up and make happy.
So my final diagnosis is that I am not capable of being happy because I take everything serious, as a serious problem to solve right away, and I am not capable of finding things, activities, or people that will cheer me up, excite me, and make me happy.
So, the problem is me.
OK. They say finding the cause of the problem is finding the half of the solution.
I would like to get the strength to follow up on this 50% of the solution and take steps for the rest of the 50%.
I want to be happy and I want to make myself happy.
I guess from now on, I will have one great promise and duty for myself; to make myself happy.
I hope I will be granted the wisdom, opportunity, and clarity of mind that will help with me finding these ways to happiness….