Today I have decided to check time to time how I was feeling during the day. In a few cases I did that I found that I was feeling okay (i.e. neutral); neither unhappy or happy; neither stressful nor un-stressful. Neither joyful nor un-joyful.
At first I thought this was not good as I am determined to make myself happy from yesterday on. Only later I realized that that was actually not bad; I could as well be unhappy, stressful, and miserable. But I was not. That should be something to be grateful for 🙂
I remember 2 different times in my life when I had felt happy for extended periods of time for no apparent reasons:
First, many years ago when I had first moved here. I had got the greatest job I had dreamed for many decades (literally); my finances were better, and I had the job security for the first time in my long career. I could not help but feel genuinely happy 🙂 This feeling of happiness lasted around 6 months until a person I dearly loved got seriously sick.
The second one was in January this year, when I had started the yoga/stretching classes. They have had highly positive influence on my mood; I was relaxing and feeling connected to my body and myself during the sessions. It lasted until I have had back problems first and then the death of my dad at the end of February.
For a middle aged person, these two occasions of happiness may sound pathetic. Maybe it is.
But, perhaps I must explain what I mean by happiness first: when I say “happy” I mean seriously happy, elated, hopeful and joyful about everything in life and having no problem whatsoever. It is kind of different than what I have felt today, where I am neither feeling elated nor down (i.e. depressed). As a person who suffered from depression in the past, let me tell you being in a neutral state of mood is not bad, either. As a matter of fact, it is quite a progress for me.
Yet, knowing how sweet is the happy state feels, I naturally long for it.