Prince has died a couple of days ago. May he rest in peace.
I have been thinking about death and life again since then. I was not a remarkable fan of Prince, not because I did not think he was an influential or great musician, but because I was more interested in other genres. Yet, his sudden death as someone I knew hurt.
Death is a reality. And it is scary. And only at my middle age, I am getting to realize this.
I too can die and will die. We just do not know when. Because I am a middle aged person and because I faced death in reality when my dad died, almost everyday I think that I am getting close to my own death every passing day. I feel a rush, almost an anxiety about this.
Because of this (or, maybe I should say “thanks to this”) I do not want to miss life. I do not want to die just yet. I do not want my mom and my siblings to feel the pain of my death. I do not want to die before I understand what it is the life that I was supposed to have but missed so far, and before I realize what is important in life. Before I relax, enjoy, and get happy with my life.
I am dealing with many little issues, mostly related to work. I am not happy with this. Why would anyone have a life mostly oriented around, shaped by, and focused on work? Where are the life experiences other than work? Why do I care about my work that much? Why can I not re-focus my mind?
I do not want to live and die like this.
I must either quit my job and face financial hardship, or change my mind, remain in my position, but reduce my expectations from myself.
There are books to be read, people to be met, places to be visited, words to be said, happiness to be generated, and peace to be made.
I should deal with my insecurities. So what, if people would not think that I was not overly successful? So what, if others would do better than me? So what, if my performance was less bright than others?
None should matter when it is a matter of life and death.
I should matter. Not others.