After the exhaustion I felt yesterday, I am feeling better today. I attribute it to eating relatively better today; I have got breakfast and lunch. Also prepared myself dinner. I did not eat veggies or fruits today, but I am hoping at least what I have got provides my body some energy.
I have had meetings in the morning and then in the evening. The evening one was a mistake – I should not have arranged that meeting. I was not prepared well, but more than that the person I had the meeting was not someone I trust or like working with. I remembered why I had turned down his offer to collaborate many years ago. I have done well then. I just messed up today by looking for ways to work with him. It is not gonna happen. And I do not care. Lesson re-learnt.
Since I have been struggling to finish everything I assigned myself prior to my vacation, I re-addressed this intention today. There is a limit to what I can do in a limited time. I like the fact that I am motivated to do things, but then it is not realistic to expect so much from myself under so much stress. Work is not the most important thing in the world and it would not worth to harm myself like this. I better stop expecting that much from myself and getting uptight. Some relaxation would prove to be beneficial. Maybe I would be able to handle things better after my vacation. Maybe things would develop in a different way while I was away and some of these things would not even be needed or important then. Maybe I was supposed to rather enjoy my life for once.
Today is one of those days that I am seriously considering resigning from my otherwise wonderful job. It is generally meaningful, pays a decent salary, and it took me decades to get such a position. Yet, I am missing life big time as it fills almost the entire world of mine. I do not like that…..
I know that I have not decided to resign yet, but I have been coming to this point time to time over the last year or so. This is a phase that maybe preparing me towards the resignation. I am still resisting because I need the salary and I am not sure what else I could do. Do I have alternative ways to make money? Nope, unless I take risks and start a cafe or something like that… It is not going to be all joy and positive developments, either. So, why to leave this job then?
I wish I had less concerns for my future retirement and financial health and more dreams and plans for enjoying the life. I wish I had planned a trip to Caribbeans, for example. I wished I had taken a temporary leave from my work and gather my strength back. I wish I had spent more time with my family. I wished I had just enjoyed one day without thinking about stuff, issues to resolve, plans to make.
I wish I was a little bit smarter 🙂
Life as I interpret it 
First….everything negative you put in that little cell that keeps your head from imploding starts deteriorating who you are. I used to say that I’m such an idiot. A friend pointed out that negative self talk makes you negative. I’m referring to your last line about wishing you were smarter. Stop it! You are not enhancing your decision making process would that kind of thinking. I don’t know you other than your words but you seem very smart…you have dreams, you have drives and you have ninglings of fear of the unknown just like everyone else. I feel you are very smart and very successful…we all make mistakes…we all wish we had done something different..you are just, perhaps, in a growing phase where you know you want or can do something else. Every decision you make is fear or growth…you just have to decide which you are listening too. Spread your wings and make yourself happy.
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NinaSusan; I too know you from what you post and what you comment. And you seem to be a very supportive person with great wisdom to me, which I love! Thanks for all these you said. I contemplated about what you said re; stop giving myself negative messages about myself, my abilities, and opportunities. True that I am not stupid, unsuccessful, or inadequate 🙂 But certainly I am not wise yet. but I am willing to work on myself and the way I treat myself and feed my mind. I would love to be happy – it has been my life-long aim. I come to the same point over and over that I find myself negative and unhappy, though I have everything (family, career, money, friends, etc.) to make me happy. It is an internal job. That gotta change. Even facing the situation with my rants like this is healthy as they work as wake-up calls. Two things I will prioritize soon about my life; a) being healthy, and b) being happy. I know you would wish me luck, like many others, in my future endeavors 🙂
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I hope you choose a path that brings you happiness. Currently, I have been struggling with the same self-imposed stress of thinking I can do more in a day than what is possible. If you are looking for a new career path I wonder if you have considered doing something through your blog. Your posts are inspirational and the quest to find happiness and joy in your life is something so many people can relate to. Writing a book, or launching some kind of collaborative program about helping people find joy, seems like it would be a perfect fit for you.
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you are so kind and insightful – thank you for giving me the motivation I needed 🙂 why not? – perhaps one day I will turn my blog into a more professional site 🙂
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