I once wanted to hurt someone and said that he was self-centered.
Well… I kind of see now that I too am self-centered.
There is something strange about living alone and living away from family, possibly the most important resource for love, support, and acceptance.
You get busy to fill your days without them. You may be first depressed or anxious, or plain happy and excited that you have your freedom and life to ride. Then, you realize you must focus on and make efforts for your own survival, provide yourself with a safe and abundant life, figure out a lot of things yourself, psychologically, financially, and emotionally support yourself, and sometimes just get exhausted. If you are lucky, you have good friends around you, wise too, who can support you and give good advice. After all, the bar you must reach is quite high.
Then, years after years, you kinda get used to live with yourself. You crave for quiet times, lack of interactions, and indulge yourself into the things you developed for yourself to go thru the day by; write, work, blog, read, watch TV, make plans, clean and organize, shop, or exercise. Your world revolves around you and in that world you are safe. Because after all these years, you figured things that work out for you without needing anyone else and, most importantly, you learn not to miss those things that you alone cannot provide yourself. In your world, everything is under control, you are self-sufficient, and feeling good in your comfort zone (which took you years to achieve by the way). Even though you are missing things, people, experiences, support, and love, you bury these somewhere deep in your heart and go on with your life.
Then, all of a sudden a creature, like my cat Jamie, enters your life. He gives you love and comfort very easily. All he wants is being fed and a clean litter box (takes 5 min a day to do these). And attention…. Lots of it… almost anytime you are at home and when he is not sleeping. Well….. That is a challenge.
You feel like; wait a minute…. .
First thing you feel: “what is this love I am given for no reason? I have not put an effort into this, aimed or struggled for this. This is an easy victory that does not satisfy me at all..”
Then, you kinda like it, but….
Second, you ask yourself: “do I really deserve this love?”
After all, you think that you are not returning it back….
So, third, you start to feel guilty because you are not returning the love/attention back. You reason that you must be a bad person. A selfish one. Otherwise, you would care about the people/cats that love you so openly and sincerely. And, when what you provide does not seem enough and you get a bad response in return, like a bite from the cat, you cannot help but realize you frustrate them…. But the reality is that you cannot dedicate your entire time to the cat.
These upset you. Very much. Guilt and feeling inadequate are not great feelings. Not to mention the bite….
Then; you feel like “why do I need to feel bad about myself? I am fed up feeling bad about myself, feeling guilty, feeling heartless, feeling inadequate, feeling being hard/insensitive towards people/cats that love me.”
On top of this (also very conflicting), you also think “why should I be scared of being bitten and feel like forced into showing attention to the cat whenever he wants?”
Following this, you, as a defense mechanism, question; “do I have to feel these negative things?”
Answer is a clear “No“.
See, dreams and reality are so different from each other. Dreams are pink and make you feel elated. Reality, on the other hand, has all the colours in a colour plate; lots of unconventional, unexpected, or annoying/saddening things happen, you lose, you fail, you cry, you laugh, you realize, and then you accept.
You also develop.
Can you imagine that a cat is the resource of these thoughts?