a year without dad

Today is the first anniversary of the death of my dad – May he rest in peace…

I have been dreading this day knowing that it would make me deeply remember my dad (for which I am grateful), my regrets of what I should have done or what I should not have done when he was alive (for which I came to realization that there is nothing to be done), and the sadness I experience  over his death (which is so vivid and continuous)…

I am very sorry that my dad and I did not spend more quality time together. That I could not be a good daughter for him. That I was not with him when he died.

Despite these, I also know that he loved me and looked after me all the time. He forgave me too, for things I should not have said or done. My father was a father alright.

Among all these turbulent emotions, I am glad for a couple of things, too. When my father died, one of the fears I had developed was to forget my dad. I am glad that this has not turned into reality. And lately I thought that when I died, he would guide me and welcome me to death. I know this is ridiculous but it so soothes me and makes me unafraid of death. I am still not interested in dying (when he died I developed fear of my own mortality), but when the time comes I hope I will remember this.

Rest in peace dad. I am sorry for a lot of things. You knew these and you still loved me. For that I am ashamed, awed, and grateful. You know I would not choose another dad, but you. I love you.

Till next time. 


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10 thoughts on “a year without dad

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  1. I lost my dad just over a two years ago and there is not a better feeling than getting through the anniversary of his death because I know it will be a full year before I have to go through it again. Its probably the hardest day of the year for me and I’m sure that is exactly how you feel too. I have every sympathy for you but It makes me so happy to tell you that things get so much better after a year. There are no more “first holidays” or “first birthdays” without him anymore. You will know now how it feels to do those things without him which is hard, but it is not impossible. Time is your friend when it comes to people passing on and as more time goes by, the more you will be able to feel more like you. Remember to do something nice for yourself today. Remember that you are still here and there are so many other people you have left to spend time with too.
    Sympathies from Ontario, Canada,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Danielle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. These words are wise, sincere, and so right. every single word did make sense to me. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that I was not the only one going thru this and it will be better over time. Thanks again and I hope winter is going easy on you guys (where I am in Canada it has been pounding us 🙂 ) all the best

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My dad passed away April 23, 2010 so the 7th anniversary is about 2 months away. I know what it’s like when those days come around. My mom passed away 4 days before my brother’s birthday. That one’s even harder to get through for our family.

        Liked by 1 person

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