Like many of us, I made mistakes that shaped the rest of my life for the worse (that is how I interpret them anyhow) upon wishes and desires of my heart, but not of my mind.
I had felt I was suffering anyhow, so the alternative (a.k.a. the mistake) would be equally hurting. So, what the heck? At least I would feel alive; pulsing with life, hope, excitement, and happiness.
And I had 🙂
Yet, I was not the same after a while, somethings were inherently gone, and I missed them. So, that is why I interpreted them as “mistakes”, as there was no opportunity to go back in time and get again what I had had.
I then decided that mindful choices were better than the desires of my heart, safety more than excitement and impulses. Love was out of question, so was taking risks. I become conservative in my look to life and I would rather have a structured/safe life where I would have peace of mind. I also went through financial hardship – being fired twice in a year (even though I found jobs right away and did not even have one day out of pay check) and knowing how valuable a dollar can be (could buy 1.5 cans of beans for a buck those days), I also prioritized financial security as a result..
Now, I have got all of these; a great job with a great salary and benefits in a safe city. Arse boring life, but safe, well structured, and financially secure.
Do I feel accomplished?
How do I feel really?
I feel like I want to quit this job and find the true desire of my heart again.
Take risks, move somewhere, meet with new people, and have spontaneity and curiosity about life.
Be open to excitement in seeing new faces, new cities, new cultures, and new experiences.
I want to rediscover myself and the course of my evolution…..
But, I will not take an active step and write that resignation letter.
I will know when it is the time to get out of this, and explore and bloom with excitement.
I will know……
I gotta trust that.
Freedom at last.
I will be waiting.