this was not the life I wanted


This was not the life I wanted.

I was supposed to love, be loved, and have a family of my own.

I was supposed to be happy and joyful, smiling and laughing. I was supposed to be with my friends, having care-free and fully supportive relationships without personal agendas.

I was supposed to live in a fair and just life.

I was supposed to work at an organization that valued me and my efforts rather than belittling me because of my gender, where I was from, or what they assumed I believed in.

I was supposed to be comfortable under my own skin, feeling great about my own identity, body, character, and acts.

I was supposed to feel confident and strong against any tides life could throw in my direction.

I was supposed to be free, walk in the weekends in busy streets, see the movies and dance to the songs I have loved.

I was supposed to discover myself in relationships.

I was supposed to have excitement. 

I was supposed to live somewhere else.

I was supposed to be happy.

but I am not.

————————————

I have none of these that I thought I was entitled to. Not because I did not want to. But because I made choices.

I chose to move here and take this position, which now is under too much stress and the environment is getting more and more toxic, with lay offs and people blaming, belittling, or pushing away each other.

I chose to have a secure position that will give me financial stability and a sense of meaning and strength. I chose to do what I once loved to my bones – my job.

I chose to stay even after I realized whatever I was getting was not enough for me to feel good about myself or my life. In contrast, I was in so much stress and pressure that I do not know why I have stayed. Tell me – why did I choose to stay?

I chose to not have trips to see new places or friends to rather save the money for my future.

I chose to over and over take a mental note and saying “there is nothing much here for me to do alone”. A hobby class? A dance/sports club? A cooking class? Poetry? Writing? New language? Anything. I chose to have no such interests.

I chose that instead of having zillion of friends, I would have a few good ones in my life.

I chose to believe in that I was not a good cook so I hardly host my friends at my home.

I chose that the most interesting activity for me at the weekends would be to visit the two shopping malls in my city, browse the stores, and purchase what I may need.

I chose to believe in that at my age of mid-40, I was already old.

I chose to believe that I was not lovable.

I chose to have no future plans. I have tried multiple times. It just does not happen – what am I waiting for?

What is it that drags and anchors me down?

————————–

What am I supposed to change in my thinking, my priorities, my life?

What choices I must reverse and what new choices I must make to be happy?

Tell me.

17 thoughts on “this was not the life I wanted

Add yours

  1. this is a great post! it is refreshing to read someone taking responsibility rather than blaming someone or something else for the life they have. AND, you have taken the next step in analysing where you want to be and how to get there going forward. I think this happens for a lot of us in that mid-40 age range; i’m a decade past that and still trying to correct the crappy choices i’ve made. I guess that’s life – journey forward my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Quite frankly you sound like I did about five years ago…I moved to a new city and state and retired…not all the options you have right now. I had so much negative and death and anxiety and depression that I’m not sure I could have drug myself up to where I am today if I had stayed in the environment and location I planted myself.
    You are trying hard! I read your blogs. I don’t know the answer to your questions. I just know what worked for me. STop doing what you are doing. GEt out of there. Somehow. FInd another job somewhere else as in relocate. If your job, lifestyle and where you live is not letting you find yourself, there seems to be one choice. Maybe it is not you, I’m guessing it is what you are surrounding yourself with that is suffocating you. change is hard. change is good!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. you so get me ninasusan – thank you for each word. you are right, where I am and my work do not let me find myself. I have this void part of me that is dark and deep.. I have been meaning to address it for sometime, but who has got the time? energy? so true that I feel suffocated, not energized or excited about my life. You nailed it in so many different ways. I always had a great respect for you, but now it has gone bigger 🙂 hope your life is working a lot better for you now 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I have read that book, but it may be a good idea to have a look at it again. happiness has been a long term quest for me. I am not unhappy right now, but happiness…. happiness is beautiful 🙂

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  3. Hello
    It sounds to me like you’ve made the first step to getting the life you would like now…..you know where you went wrong in the past….you know what you would like to do now. The next step is to start making things happen…sign up for a course..something you would think of usually…car maintenance, DIY for your home….being stuck in a rut is far to easy!
    4 years ago I was having a difficult time at work and was just coming out of a strange relationship- he was my best friend before. Another friend came back into my life at just the right time, someone who I’d known for 20ish years….I met him through his brother…..we celebrated our 3rd anniversary at Christmas. He’s been through a lot with me and has put up with a lot, which I love him all the more for. We talking of moving in together, marriage has been discussed, of what we would do if we got married generally. He’s got me out of the rut I was in…..I’ve found new interests, I have a different outlook on life.
    So things can and will get better, just hang in there and try that something different bit by bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Acknowledging that you have made choices and that you can make new ones is the first step. I’m not quite in the same place as you are but I feel like in some ways, I’m not living the life I want. I don’t yet know how I’m going to change that but like you, I’m going to take the first step and analyse what I’ve done to get here.

    Thanks for your honest part and I hope things look up for you soon

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I always believed life began at 40. I was divorced (deserted really) with two children and trying to start a life again as the kids were growing up. I signed up to do a course at the local tec. I finished the course, got a great job and on the way picked up one of the other students and we eventually got married (no I was not looking for love just an education it was a bonus). So I got a certificate, a hubby and a job and a life…
    I agree with the comments above…go out and do something you have always wanted to do even if its just a silly little pottery class or join a yoga group or acting, whatever… you have to put yourself out there and you will make friends who deserve you and your life will blossom … have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are being so self-reflective lately – that must mean you are seriously considering a change. The only way things will improve is if you take those first hard steps. What would you consider as a first step? How long would it take to implement? Sometimes these kind of changes don’t happen overnight – don’t become discouraged if they need to take longer than you want.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. see the first step would be to resign, but this is a stupid idea without another job equally good on the horizon. but the way I think, feel a,d engulfe myself into the daily workplace politics and economical hardship can change. I can also start doing things that I never thought I would (another blogger gave me the idea) to see things differently. something that I need to figure out. we will see 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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