choices, children, and the desire for a time-travel machine


I worked a lot this evening and as a result I am feeling hyper now πŸ™‚ Does that happen to you, too?

I am used to work till late, especially lately. It makes me tired and less thinking the itsy bitsy stuff, so actually I love sleeping well and not over-thinking during these intense work periods. Nevertheless, I am kind of annoyed tonite and am looking forward to winding down and relaxing.

While I sleep longer and deeper lately, interestingly I also dream more. Last night I have had two dreams, one about a little child that I met last weekend. He was one of these really kind and lovely kids. I felt quite an affection and protective feelings toward him.

Meeting with him made me think – should I have had kids?

Having a child has never been a real wish for me; it was partly because i was not married and was very busy with my work/career/life struggles. When I met this child, I kind of felt like I should have had kids. The love and affection I felt was awesome really.Β 

Then I remembered what an anxious type of a person I was and what a control freak of a mom I would turn into should I have a child. I know from a friend of mine that when you become a parent, anxiety related to the kids’ welfare, wellness, and happiness become the most important thing for you. It would not be something I could easily master or move on. That is a sad truth.

Or maybe I could. There are millions of parents on earth and some of them must haveΒ  personality like me. So, if others can manage it, so can I. why not? Right?

Adoption is always a choice. In the past, once or twice I have had considered it and eventually ruled out. Not that I would not like it. But because as a single person I did see it as a difficult task to take. I know from years back a single woman who adopted a lovely girl. She had a busy career as well, but did excellent with motherhood. I wish I had kept contact with her so that I could get an insider’s opinion/experience on adoption and child care.

Sometimes life is brutal I guess. I know what I have become has been shaped by my past choices. if only I was 20 years younger, perhaps I could make different choices.

That reminded me a new year eve 7-8 years back. I had that very strong wish to actually go back in time and re-start my life 10 years earlier. I had a lot of regrets and naiveness around me then. What if stories were true and one could move back in time?

I have a similar, albeit not as strong, wish today to go back and re-start my adult life. I wish we had not lost certain things in life, like our youth. I wish we could have better choices. I wish we lived our lives differently…

Logically I know whatever life I have right now is the best. There is no going back to certain things, abilities, experiences. I am old enough to know that whatever happens, it must be better than a less desirable outcome.

Today, I want to believe in this more than most other times.

6 thoughts on “choices, children, and the desire for a time-travel machine

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  1. I once was just like you, immersed in working hard and thriving on it. I rarely worked less than 2 jobs at a time and the adrenaline drove me. I felt I was too selfish to have kids but for some reason wanted them so bad. I have always suffered from anxiety but as I’ve aged I’ve got some tools under my belt to help deal with it. In my mid thirties and finally in a secure relationship I had my first of three kiddos. Life changed completely and anxiety went through the roof so I worked harder at managing it. I will probably never work 2 full time paying jobs again and sometimes I miss it. But with all that said raising children is such an experience both amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. It has made me want to be a better person and at the same time made me realize all of my faults and sometimes I think I’m not a mother type what the hell am I doing? But you keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to be better the next day. I wouldn’t change being a mom for anything even on tough days like today!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think I would have exactly the same experience with you – your description of motherhood being both amazing and heart wrenching fits my personality so much! I am glad that you mentioned how one can learn along the way and keep going. It gives me hope πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Although I love kids, and in the past I’ve always felt that I’m too selfish to have them, that I like handing them back. So never had that regret…….how could I, I’ve grown up with kids, 3 nephews, 3 nieces, who in turn now have 13 children between them, as well as 5 godchildren, and friends children too, the eldest of these 33 and the youngest 6 months…..that was until I met and fell in love with my partner now I’m sort of hoping that it’s not too late…..my body says it’s not, so maybe one day……..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You hit the nail on the head….sometimes life is brutal…this whole children thing is real. They are a blessing….yet now that I’m in my 60s and watching my grandchildren 3 times a week, I wonder how I survived those years and those responsibilities!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ™‚ parents are amazing – I owe so much to my own. It is more difficult to be a parent at my age – comfort I seek in everything πŸ™‚ I love being around children and pets alike – they are joy and very innocent. what great features

      Liked by 1 person

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