when enough is enough?


The question in the title of the post can mean many different things.

I have a tendency to revise my work heavily in a way that eventually I puke of it. For some reason, I cannot feel that it is enough until I reach to this state. Often times that means that I am working on the same documents over and over again. This also means it is improving, but it also means that my time is spent. I am increasingly getting aware of the fact that this is one of the things that makes me feel drained.

What is the right thing to do? I ask myself – to set myself a maximum number of revisions – which would help with focusing on each time. Or to heal that feeling that if I do not puke of it, then it is not good enough. I link this behavior to perfectionism and my interest in due diligence – I only feel good about something (and thus do not beat myself) when I convince myself that I have done what can possibly done and as such if there is a negative consequence (like a criticism), I do not blame myself much.

Sounds a little bit pathetic.

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I just had a conversation of a friend and she has had it and is planning to retire sooner than she has been planning to. She says she cannot take the anxiety and fear coming out of being in a work environment that threatens her well being and dignity (she has some managers that treats her like an outcast). She was upset that an early retirement means less money, but then she also questions whether her well being is less important than the money. I was very happy for her that she prioritized her well being and chose to end this toxic work-experience. I can easily see that she will be happier, free of the negative effects of her work, and start a new chapter in her life. She had enough.

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Today one of my team members and I finished a long, hard work…. It went so well so smoothly this week after a long battle that we both cannot feel the satisfaction coming out of this victory. It kinda feels like it was too good to be true. Looks like we are used to hardship, but not the relief coming out of overcoming it. We had more than enough hardship. It is time that we cherish the success. I will wait for this feeling to sink in….

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I continue to head-butt situations that scare me. Do not get me wrong, I am bone – chilled. I am that scared or do not know what to do. I feel beat and shaky. I feel like anxiety is all around me. I feel like I may be doing something wrong by taking the step or by not taking it. But I move on rather than caving. I feel like this is a learning opportunity. I may fail. I may make mistakes, but whatever I decide to do is the best at the time being and things will move into something better, one way or the other. Perhaps as a person – by walking through the fear. Perhaps as a professional – by taking steps that I am not sure where they will take me.

I gotta trust more. I gotta trust myself. I gotta trust life. I gotta trust other people (this one is hard, but not trusting myself or others is equally hard).

I gotta move on.

And I must take care of myself. The feeling I have nowadays – being cold, shaky, beaten  – makes me extra anxious. And when I am anxious, I cannot think straight and cannot make good decisions. The most important thing for me is to heal this feeling. Once my mind is clear, I can make decisions easier and I can take better steps.

I gotta care about myself and rest. Tonite. Tomorrow. This weekend. Sometime, somewhere I must let myself find my core strength.

 

 

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