I have not written here for some time.
I took some kind of break from internet for a while so that I could rather read inspirational books and analyze my feelings by writing on my worry journal.
It all started with a two-days I took off work – my first time in my entire career that I used my vacation time to focus on myself and rest. This is 25 years of work, my friends. All other times I used my vacation time to visit family or friends (where are they now?)
In that two days, I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do – reading books, sitting at a cafe, ordering meal, shopping, reflecting.. Just about anything but working! It was good. I did not check my emails during this time, which was a miracle, by the way. I still try not to check the work emails in the evenings and at the weekend. I also try not to work at home and generally take things easy.
But I am also angry with anything that bothers me, and I think my blood pressure increases time to time in such a way that it is alarming me. Deep down I think I am also depressed. I do not know friends – I feel a lot of things nowadays and I think I should really prioritize myself and care about my body and mind, and I should let go off any past or current issues or negative feelings to feel okay.
Honestly, the other day while I was having elevated blood pressure (I think that is what it was) I just felt that I could as well die at that moment and I would not even care.
This is scary.
On the good side, since I have started the worry journal practice, my anxiety is manageable.
This is priceless.