We wanted to be brave, but we were not


My mom is sick. She suddenly became ill and has not been getting better. We hope that she will see a really good doc in the coming days and will find some relief.

My minds does all the tricks. It is as if I either accepted the fact that she will be gone soon, or there is nothing wrong with her. Neither of them are evidenced, but this is the reason I hate my reasoning so much nowadays. It is as if, I do not care.

But that is not true, either. I do care. She is my mom. She is the only person who treated me well.

So, why are my emotions so frozen? I wonder whether it is a trauma caused by the thought of losing my mom; the antidepressants I take; or the fact that my dad’s death 5 years ago prepared me for death of yet another loved one.

I wanted to explore life and overcome challenges. I wanted to have a life and have a job here in Canada, but not in my home country. I built a life I was more or less content with. I was, this year, finally feeling good, with the introduction of my foster cat and antidepressants to my life. I was brave when I was young, then got scared (aka anxiety), and I could not be brave enough to solve my problems with my family and build a life there.

I am sorry that I have not spent more time and be with her when she needs me most. I am also ashamed that I lost my courage in life, thanks to traumatizing events and anxiety, and could not fix these issues earlier in life.

I am just dropping these thoughts here to let it go.

Please do not leave any comments. I know you will be supportive.

But right now, I need to face my emotions as they are.

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