Sunday morning musings

Life is good right now, with a peaceful mind and coffee on the side.

There are a lot to be said and comment on; the pandemic, the negative effects of the lock-down, and the itsy-bitsy things that keep filling my mind. BUT, this morning, I will rather contemplate on the positives.

It has been more than 6 months that we have been in lock-down. We work mostly from home, going to office only occasionally. One of my team members have not been to his office since the start – they really would like to limit their exposure to common areas. I respect that. They are doing as good as it can be with remote work. So there is no need to be worried about.

Rather, I am glad that he is that cautious and is a great example to many people who would not follow the guidelines. I am lucky as a boss that I have responsible people working with me.

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This brings me to the cluster at White House – I am so surprised by the lack of understanding of the real situation. That is all I can say. Surprised. We are failing in bringing knowledge to the public. While this is a negative thing to say, it should also help do better.

What I learnt from the recent Black Lives Matter movement and demonstrations was that once we accept that we are a part of this – directly or indirectly – then, addressing racism, inequities, and unfairness becomes much easier.

It is the resistance that blocks change or actions that will benefit most.

Accepting the fact that politicians, medical authorities, scientists, and media are failing in disseminating COVID-19 related knowledge out to public is the first step.

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One can argue that even the knowledge is there, its uptake by the citizens/readers is not. True. Then perhaps we must also look into the reasons of this. Obviously, knowledge per se is not enough.

I personally accept that I have not done my part as a citizen to inform others better about the dangers of COVID-19. I will with diligency think about what my next steps can be.

These being said, on the personal side my insomnia almost disappeared since the lock-down and I can handle the emotions and emotional reactions better as I cave in my home.

Home is healing in so many ways, isn’t it? 🙂

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Home. Home. Sweet Home. Enjoy your home and surroundings, folks. The trees, the streets, the houses, the neighbours. When I look at all of them in the last few months, I have seen many beautiful trees and yards in my neighbourhood, and many people doing and talking sweet things. Paying attention to good and a little bit curiosity about life is the spice of life. Let’s enjoy it.

I am not walking as frequently as I had in the first few months of the lock-down. In a month or so, we can expect snow to start. That white, fluffy, and innocent thing always makes me feel more cozy, homey, and celebrate the slow pace of life.

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We cannot keep running; that is why perhaps we can keep enjoying the slow-down. Like what the pandemic has done to us. Like what Winter does to us.

As long as we are safe, healthy, and accept our failures and misses, I believe we will be in a much better place in the next day.

Enjoy your Sunday, folks.

reflections

Today I have not worked like crazy as I have done in the past 3 months. I rather took my time to reflect and I needed it. This was mostly motivated by the fact that yesterday I almost collapsed emotionally. My nerves are fried and I needed a break to go back to a healthy level of exhaustion (if there is anything like this ever) and feel good (because I deserve it, like anyone else).

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Life is bigger than what we experience and in order to expand our experiences, we must stop this wheel of routine and un-focus for a while, and look beyond where we are. It is exciting and refreshing. I am glad I have found a chance to do so today.

One thing I keep notice in such times is that I actually do better than I think. For instance, in the last 3 months I have re-arranged the furniture in my living room and kitchen, and they both look lovely and more functional. It was hard to move everything by myself, but I made it and the end results are excellent 🙂

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I also made quite a progress in my yard. I digged the high part of the yard and placed the digged soil on the lower parts. I have four stalks of mint that are flourishing in the yard. I have planted seeds and grew beautiful flowers. New flowers and plants appeared in my yard this year, which are a delight to look at. I filled the sides of my yard with soil in the last two days (commercial soil) and now I have a wider-looking yard and the side sections are ready to be planted next year. It was tiring and challenging to carry those soil bags (30 liters each) from store to home, but I made it. I planted potato, garlic, and onion and all flourished and yielded (I have collected around 1 kg of potato; can you imagine my joy?)? I planted 35 cloves of garlic last week for harvesting next year and mulched over with dried leaves to protect them from frost during the winter. My neighbours renewed their part of the fence with fence similar to mine, and as such the yard looks really good now. Also the next door neighbours painted the exterior of their house and it looks beautiful. I have been lucky to have had all of these improvements this year 🙂

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As per work, I have done really good, even though it was stressful. At least my efforts produced results, which is extremely satisfying.

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I have points to improve still, but I am not worried about them. Only because I know I am capable of doing them, too. One recurring issue is eating better and a variety of food. I am making an effort again nowadays. we will see how this will work out. I must reduce or eliminate my extra expenses that are made only to feel good in such a stressful time of my life, but I am slowly getting there. I must also regularly do my lower back exercises to keep it healthy. A manageable list of aims that I am sure I can do. It is just a matter of time.

Today I have taken steps to improve in these areas. I ate veggies and fruits at the office; I took the bus rather than cab; I made an appointment with my physiotherapist to help me get on track with my lower back. I ate junk food in the evening, but I am assuming this too will be gone sometime. I accepted the fact that sometimes change occurs over time, rather than when I want it. Acceptance brings serenity. Nevertheless, I must keep trying and making these changes occur.

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on life, death, and nature

My mom’s little bird has died after a couple of week’s illness. It was loved, cared, pampered, and cherished. 

My mom and sister are feeling the pain of losing something that they loved so much. They feel like they have not done enough to care for the bird and blame themselves.

Nothing could be far from the truth; they cared for it while she was healthy and especially when she was sick. They have got an expensive medical care for the little one and gave water using  syringe and kept it on their chest when she needed warmth and contact. They monitored it around the clock. They have done more than many people I know respecting and caring for that life. Yet, it was just her time to go and here my sister and mom feeling the blame and sadness.

It is natural to feel the sadness and grief, but I wished they did not blame themselves for what happened to this lovely creature. 

I told them what I experienced when my father had died 1.5 years ago. The sadness was nothing like I knew before, grief was overwhelming, I too blamed myself for not caring for my dad while he was alive or while he was dying. I still do. But I remember my wish to walk and see the nature as it is at that time, as life and death are a part of our life cycle and seeing nature I was able to put this in a rational frame. I remember looking at the trees, some naked and dried up, some looking like dying, but I knew that in spring some of them at least would flourish. I also remember seeing a man with a little child…. Life was continuous, only the life forms would be changing. We may lose one, heck, we will lose ourselves one day, but life will continue with a different tree, in a different place, with a different human.

It is impossible not to feel sadness and grief upon losing someone or an animal that we have loved. We have two options; either not love anything/anyone to protect ourselves from this, or love and go through the consequences. That is a natural dilemma of being human and having a consciousness. There can be no good solution to deal with death of a loved one…

But we can care and demonstrate our love while pets and humans are still alive.

After all, life is short and we have a tendency to focus on what we have in our plates at the time being, and forget the reality to come.

Go hug someone, a pet, or a tree today. Tell them or show them you care. Love yourself too and receive the love from others. Do not be shy.

 

 

 

The second day of the “work” staycation

Today went well too; worked more or less without much of a distraction and it felt good to be able to do this.

My anxiety levels are still high, though, and unless I find a way to reduce it, I am afraid it may escalate. So I will be making a good effort to go back to my routine tomorrow; thank goodness it is Saturday tomorrow and I will fill it up with my regular activities, such as cleaning the house, picking up milk from a store, doing laundry, preparing my sourdough for over night rise, and speaking with my family. I must also clean up the yard and pick the weeds and other unnecessary life forms. I never knew how much I would appreciate my daily (and often times boring) highly structured life-style.

I am familiar with anxiety accompanied with shallow breathing and the feeling of being scared of something, someone, a thought. I try to not resist but rather relax into it and mediate the situation with some meditative music and focusing on the positives; I have a great family who supports me; I am doing great work; my home and yard are at a much better shape than last year; I keep budgeting and living frugally; I try to find joy and happiness in little things; there is a wonderful weather outside; I was able to keep my window open the whole day and have fresh air inside; I have good friends who are happy to socialize with me and help me if needed; I have usually a great job that provides me with more than enough money (even though it also makes me feel inadequate – the main reason of my latest anxiety boot).

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I feel angry at the conditions that limits me at work and my performance; i am angry at the funding situation for our projects; I am angry at the endless competition we undergo to achieve something; I am angry at the economy; I am angry at myself for not saying “no” more often and often ending up doing other peoples’ works. I am angry at myself for not focusing on the positive and the big picture we call life, rather than all the little antsy bitsy things that I let to annoy me.

I want to feel good and I know that as long as I have this wish, this anxiety will not go anywhere. Wishing to feel good by running away from what I am experiencing is a form of resistance that makes things worse. It is so counter intuitive. I know there are things that I will change and improve as a result of this experience. I just do not know what they are.

The best remedy for anxiety is to trust the unknown. I need to trust to life, the universe if you will, people around me, and more importantly, myself. I may fail at work according to my own or others’ criteria, I know I will get up being better and stronger out of this hurdle. Maybe I will turn things around by being a little bit more smart in protecting my own time and energy, a little bit more lucky, or by changing my own attitude towards myself, my life, my work, my colleagues, my hopes, and my failures. 

I know all of these. 

Now it is time to believe in them.

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destiny – II

poem

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destiny…….

some say we must accept it

after trying hard to make it better

some say we may not escape it

so we should not react to it

some say life can turn around any minute

so we should be hopeful and patient

none, however, is the answer;

our destiny is ours

only because we could not change it

 

PS: I am not sure what is going on with this poem; a little bit conflicting, is it not?

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joy journal – August 15, 2015

I have not written my joy journal for quite sometime (due to vacation). I missed expressing gratitude and the good feeling coming out of it so much.

1. I have many things to be grateful about the time I spent with my family – there is no short way to express all of them here. I cherish every memory and every smile, hug, and kind word. I am grateful that my family members are well and sound; loving and supporting; and genuinely interested in my well-being. Thank you all of you for being there for me.

2. I am grateful for my job. I have gotta give its credit; it gives me a sense of purpose, excites, and provides me with livelihood (despite the challenges and occasional crises that I face). Thanks to my job, I get to see around the world, live in different cities, meet with people with diverse backgrounds, and get insurance. Insurances are important too – providing a sense of security if something out of ordinary occurs in life.

3. I am grateful for my house. It is in a quite neighborhood that is close to downtown as well as my work place. It is true that the prospect of the serious repairs (e.g. the foundation problem I probably have) has been giving me the chills and depressed me beyond my imagination; that I cannot develop trust to the previous owners/renovators, which prevents from feeling peaceful in it; and that I constantly find myself checking for potential issues and thus further create anxiety in myself. But then what can I do? I did not know there may be problem in my house. I did not know when I purchased my home that houses can be fragile and they require constant maintenance. I did not know that it would take me a long time to accept these and then finally find peace in this acceptance. I have not still fully accepted these and thus am emotionally suffering deeply, but I know eventually one day I will give up the resistance and glide into acceptance gracefully. I thank my house-troubles for this; reminding me that it is a process and I am going thru it.

4. I am grateful for my retirement plans, however small they may be. It is true that I could have saved and invested more for my retirement and in the past I have had very obvious expenses that I could have avoided. Yet past is past and I can only look at the present and the future. I have been giving serious thoughts about budgeting lately (mostly motivated by the expenses related to the repairs at home) and have progressed quite satisfactorily. I have a healthy and abundant budget that will take care of my fixed as well as variable but essential expenses that I have been implementing in the last 2-3 months. I know I can do better once I feel comfortable with it. It is awesome to feel this hope and confidence. It is awesome to know that I am making a difference in my financial situation, however small it may be.

5. I am grateful for summer; where I am usually is cool in summers (15-25 C). But since I came back from vacation, it has been hot, sunny, and lovely. A perfect summer 🙂

6. I am grateful for the document I have to finish till monday evening. I have made quite a progress with it yesterday and today. Seeing that I can work effectively under mild stress by taking it lightly (the benefit of having a wonderful vacation prior to it) is one thing, but more importantly the fact that I had to do it in such a short time is what helped me to adapt to work so soon and to stop feeling the emotions associated with leaving my family.

7. I am grateful for my blog. Writing is therapeutic, reading other posts and interacting with fellow bloggers are fun, interesting, and informative. It certainly helps me feel better.

8. I am grateful for the breakfast I have had this morning together with a friend/colleague of mine. I had my usual bagels and coffee after 6 weeks of vacation and a wonderful conversation with my friend, which felt great 🙂

9. I am grateful for walking to and from the coffee shop and sweating a long the way.

10. I am grateful for my new little fryer that makes fried eggs so tasty, so different 🙂

11. I am grateful for doing the laundry and aerating my home today. No I am not cleaning my place this week. My friend who house-sat while I am away already took care of this. I am feeling blessed.

12. I am grateful for being keen about starting a huge decluttering at home. Yep! I have been meaning to do it for quite sometime. I will start easy with bathrooms (which are easier to declutter) and slowly move to the other parts of the house. I will open every single box, purse, bag, and drawer. I will sort things out generously, collect the usable items for donation, and dump the rest. I really need this – I feel like I am carrying a huge and unnecessary weight on my shoulders. This feeling gotta go. I am also excited for the possibility that I will find out many stuff that I had forgotten I have had but are useful or valuable. cannot wait to rediscover my stuff 🙂

13. I am grateful for my couch that provides me with a comfortable place to sit on and write this journal.

14. I am grateful for my laptop, internet connection, cable, TV, phone and all others that help me have a comfortable and engaging life at home.

15. I am grateful for all the stuff I have brought from my vacation. Many of them are the gifts that are given to me by my family members, which I love and cherish. Seeing them around make me feel extra grateful and happy.

16. I am grateful for the music I am listening to right now. It is relaxing and something I have not had heard before and thus is interesting.

17. I am grateful for today being Saturday. I can enjoy it as I please without going to the office.

18. I am grateful for my joy journal and my continuous wish to write in it.

19. I am grateful for life.

20. I am grateful for being grateful.

need for reflection

Six days ago one of my colleagues, who I have been working with closely for many years, have died suddenly.

It is such a shock; I had last seen him prior to my vacation – he was well and cheerful as usual. There was no indication that he had health problems. His family said he died all of a sudden.

I still find this difficult to accept.

Is life that fragile?

The answer is obviously yes.

I feel lucky that so far many people important in my life have remained alive and reasonably healthy. Yet the uncertainty about the future, as emphasized by the death of my colleague, made me feel quite anxious.

They say we should be grateful of every moment and for being well and alive, in addition to many other things in life (come to think of it; the last time I wrote my joy journal was almost 6 weeks ago. Time to do it again…). While logically it makes perfect sense, we (I) are so engulfed in the current issues/the requirements of the daily life that this point often is neglected – I have little/some idea about how to change my mindset so that I can relax more into the moment and have both acceptance (of the ever-changing, dynamic nature of life) and positivity (that eventually whatever looks like a big problem may in fact be less impactful than many others, or can be dealt with, or will just pass) every single day.

It is time for me to do some reflection. When the mind stops working on the same little details day after day, it becomes easier to see the reality and the big picture (that we often forget by focusing on small stuff) as they are, and assess better what is important in life. And I can guarantee myself neither the daily issues of my work nor the extensive repairs that will be required at my house will be the most important things in my life 🙂

cheers everyone

acceptance

This is kinda philosophical post – bear with me.

I sometimes find myself smashed by the issues and hurdles in life. Take my house problem for example – I probably have a foundation problem, which requires me to wait till it becomes apparent and which will cost me “tens of thousands”.

I find myself checking my home every day and paying attention to any sound, anything abnormal, or any change. When I wake up the same, when I go to bed the same. I have never been happy to be a home-owner and lately certainly I regret buying a house (building yourself is better, or buying a new house with a warranty; assuming they are more expensive but it is worth the peace of mind). I feel unhappy and troubled in my home.

Is this the feeling you would like to have in your home? I can hear you say “no”.

Home is supposed to be where we have our warmest, healing, resting, and energizing memories.

I keep thinking the previous owners and the renovators were not good, not honest (the house was newly renovated when I bought it). They probably knew it and could fix it, but did not. That makes me feel like “played with” and quite irritated. It is unfair. if they were honest people, I had believed they were honest people, and there was nothing to blame them, then I would probably take this a little bit easier.

Acceptance is a hard thing; but once it happens, it is relieving. Accepting that I was supposed to go through this is one thing I need to work on.

I majority of the time resist and thus it majority of the time hurts.

I think I was just supposed to go thru this experience. Pretty much like anything else in our lives. They say we learn something along the troubled times and it is supposed to be useful in the future.

I keep wondering what that might be.

decision making is hard sometime

Sometime I can make a decision right away. I am talking about daily-life related decisions, such as what to buy, what not to do, how to have my relaxing routine etc.

At work as well; if it is clear and I am knowledgeable or experienced about, I can make a decision in a split second. I am sure many of us behave like this.

Then, there are other decisions, other situations that require a little bit more reflection. In such cases, if the knowledge and prior experience is not available, I found the best thing is to wait a while to re-examine the situation and then make a decision. Surely, others’ opinions I sometime ask or I do my own research, or just listen to my guts. I started this strategy a while ago when I experienced a set-back when I did not re-visit the situation and made a deficient decision. Since then, I practice this “wait and re-visit” policy.

Sometimes, just sometimes though it is not clear to me how much I should reflect, how long I should spend reflecting or re-examining the situation. These times I feel like having a “mental paralysis” which is not fruitful at all. It is also very painful and is draining. Damage to the confidence should be acknowledged as well. Plus, I have to deal with my own self-critique that blasts me all the time.

Sometimes, I just gave up. Not in the sense that I do not care, but in the sense that I accept the limitations of my decisions or the possible consequences. In those times, I believe doing something is better than not doing anything.

So today I made a decision on one of the projects that I had stopped because of an issue. That is an exciting project with very promising results. There is a way to fix the issue, yet this itself may create more problems. So I decided to rather go ahead with minor modifications, which although will not resolve the issue, will at least get the project completed with a little bit of limitation. That is quite a relief.

I am seriously relieved. I know in a couple of weeks I can prioritize that project and finish it. That makes me happy 🙂

survivor guilt in cancer

I have been reading a blog here (which blog unfortunately I cannot remember now) where the blogger was feeling a “survivor guilt” because s/he had early stage cancer, was now doing well, but was nevertheless feeling guilty of surviving while many others did not.

I have been hearing survivor guilt in cancer patients for some time. I wonder whether it is used to cover overlapping but distinct concepts?

The wikipedia entry for survivor guilt, although not specific for cancer, explains it; notice how different it is; i.e. those feeling survivor guilts blaming themselves for the death of others.

In cancer, I do not think any of the cancer survivors blame themselves for the death of others. But I know from many survivors that they will not feel good about their own survival (at least time to time) when they see others who are lost to this disease. It may be one of the reasons driving the patient advocacy, fundraising events, and support groups with which cancer patients and others affected by this disease relentlessly work to control and to reduce the burden of cancer (thank you all).

To me, this is different than the survivor guilt expressed by some cancer patients diagnosed with early-stage cancers or good/easy cancers (I do not appreciate this classification by the way), such as thyroid cancer, which generally have relatively good survival rates. I sense that this guilt is different. I kind of feel like some patients may blame themselves for not going through the same serious ordeal as other patients, such as advanced cancer patients do (multiple surgeries, chemo, and radiotherapy, recurrences, unavailability of effective treatment options etc..).

Do the doctors, media, and others who categorize these cancers/patients as easy to treat/cure have a role in this survivor guilt and somehow lead some patients to be apologetic about their own survival? Is this comparison among different cancers even useful or healthy?

I care about all affected by cancer regardless of their prognosis and I said it many times, only because it is true that, cancer affects all of us. In so many different levels. I just wished noone was apologetic about surviving cancer. Let’s continue to direct our collective efforts to help effective control and treatment of this disease in every cancer patient.

joy journal – April 21, 2015

here are the good things, events, people, thoughts, and feelings for today 🙂

1. I have issues to deal with (work and house related), but I am keeping my morale not down. This surprises me for sure, but also delights me. I think the positive things happening in my life (such as the new office) and new support for some of my projects make me have a positive outlook on life’s challenges. More than that I guess I am getting increasingly seeing the whole picture (that is, life as a whole) and the importance and place of my issues. They are important issues, but I am not resisting to these issues, rather accept them as they are. I may or may not be able to solve this issues with desired outcomes, but I know I am doing my best.

2. I am grateful for having my dinner ready this evening; it is a left-over from yesterday so I did not have to think about what to eat, or spend time cooking.

3. I am grateful for walking this afternoon from office to home. It is surprisingly chilly outside, though the sky is clear and bright. I am perfectly fine with that.

4. I am grateful for the plant I bought for my office yesterday. I was not at first sure whether it would fit my office well. Its not exactly dark green, which makes me think like maybe it is not at its best condition. But, its leaves looks allright (i.e. soft), not too spiky and as such does have a soft impression. It just fit on the window trim well, in its new vase I had bought during the weekend. Looking good.

5. I am grateful for eating some fruits at noon when I attended a presentation by a colleague.

6. I am grateful for chatting with another colleague about a project of mine. He is supportive, which is awesome! This project is the biggest I have ever developed, once I form the project team, I plan to make an application. It is not going to be easy to get it funded, but I think it has a good chance of getting funded. Once funded, then it will be a busy time running that project, but I am (at least for now) okay with that.

7. I am grateful for cleaning my office a little bit today, before the dust can settle in. It did not require much effort, but it tells me that I can do this frequently so that I can keep it fresh, clean, organized, welcoming, and harmonic. I thank myself for being determined to do so 🙂

8. I am grateful for sleeping well yesterday night.

9. I am grateful for replacing my office garbage can with a new one! How nice 🙂

10. I am grateful for my house, TV, couch, other furniture, food, and power that make my life easy and practical.

11. I am grateful for the move to be finishing tomorrow. I have one equipment and my assistant has her computer and folders to be moved tomorrow. These will be the last things that link me to the old building and the office. After that I will submit the keys and say goodbye to old and continue to cherish the new building/office.

12. I am grateful for the book I have got at the weekend. It is positive and helps me to keep calm at the face of issues and challenges.

13. I am grateful for having a nice phone conversation with a colleague/friend of mine today, who allowed me to talk about the work-related issues and get her opinion and positive back-ups.

14. I am grateful for being fully comfortable with my new office and its arrangements. Some of my colleagues are complaining about not getting used to their offices or new telephones etc. which I have not experienced at all. I am, in contrast, celebrating this change 🙂

15. I am grateful for my purse. It is the largest one I have ever bought or used. I bought it last year, was very hesitant at first, but it takes up so much stuff, often many paperwork as well as all bunch of personal items.

16. I am grateful for tomorrow being a garbage collection day. I can dump all the old stuff and open space for the new ones.

17. I am grateful for not having a serious problem at home.

18. I am grateful for being well and sound.

19. I am grateful I have lost some pounds. Now, this is surprising as I am not making an attempt to lose weight (even though I would like to) and I have not particularly eaten all-healthy food lately. So I am giving it to moving around more (moving the office etc, the shopping mall visits at the weekend etc.)

20. I am grateful for being grateful and enjoying writing my joy journal. It sure gives me a break from daily thoughts and makes me positive.

mild chronic depression

No matter how much I try to acknowledge and then make attempts to find solutions for the down sides of life, I am not feeling joyful.

I wonder whether I have mild chronic depression?

It seem to be possible. I am not going to self-diagnose myself based on the information on the net, yet I guess it is good to know that this may be a condition and there may be treatment for it.

I really would like to feel joyful, smile more, get happier, and feel better. I have been thinking about going through a possible chronic depression for some time; I thought if that is it and if there is a treatment, and if I would feel better after the treatment, I should do something. I am 40 something years old and I have a choice to continue like this and regret not living my life to the fullest late in my life, or do something about it and see whether I can have a more positive life experience.

Do not get me wrong, I am feeling a lot better when compared to past 10 years, for which I am grateful. I also function fully at work. Yet, time passes quickly and does not wait for anyone to figure out things.

Now, it is a matter of time before I see my physician and ask whether I may need treatment. I do hope talking about it, even writing here, will make me actually take this step.

May you live your life to the fullest; and if not may you get the help to turn it around.

tomorrow is another day

One of those days that I feel meh.

My hands are cold for some reason and my appetite is not here, either (which is very unusual..).

It was actually another good work-day with many things learnt, discussed, and resolved. Plus, I have the night to myself, where I can relax reading, writing, watching TV, or listening to the music. I am not sick, all is well in my life, yet I just happen to feel this way.

Ok.. at first I screened my mind to find a reason for this feeling and could not find anything particular. So, it is not something that I know or remember that makes my mood a little bit down now. There is no benefit in resisting to this feeling; I just gotta accept and be at peace with the fact that sometime it feels all right, sometimes not.

Tomorrow is another day; it may turn out to feel just fine 🙂

I can only be compassionate and understanding

Since I wrote this post a couple of days ago, I have been thinking; there is so much truth to it. Yes, “there is a limit to what one can undertake”.

I have chronically low levels of energy; it has not been like this all the time; but in the last 5-6 years, this has been the case. Whether it is a natural change in the body/metabolism due to middle-age, or I have been undertaking too many work-related activities with too much of responsibility, or I have been living in geography with usually grey skies and icy, snowy, or long winters, I do not know. But, I walk less, I exercise less, and most importantly I want to do less (except the work activities).

What do we do when we have many to take care or think about? We all have lives and people we care about; the majority of us have houses and other properties to clean, organize and take care of, work and financial needs and worries are there, too. Include your health, hobbies, and wishes and plans for future. How do we deal with too many thoughts? Issues? I personally will shut down some of the issues to deal with those which needs to be taken care of immediately or that carry some kind of importance. Or, just to keep my mind occupied by other activities to give my mind a break. That means, the rest will remain somewhere out there or in my mind to be dealt later.

I can only be compassionate and understanding when the issues not dealt with come back more problematic, as I cannot deal with all. It is okay to shut down, relax, and recharge when it is needed. It is okay to prioritize and it is okay to err in prioritizations.

This is not “losing”, this is not “giving up”, this is not “not fighting up”.

This is acceptance. This is being human.

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