joy journal – June 14, 2015

I have not written in my joy journal for some time. What better way to start feeling positive, grateful, and even happy than writing, remembering, and cherishing the wonderful things, memories, thoughts, and people happening in my life?

1. I am grateful for wanting to write on my journal. I am grateful that I crave to do so to feel great; anytime available 0$ anti-depressant ūüôā

2. I am grateful for a nice weekend; my mood was not bad, I was not exhausted or bored – it was just fine.

3. I am grateful for the breakfast in the morning. I went to a different cafe this time, closer to my favorite bookstore. I took my time to go thru the magazines and books (one of them was about Italian food), which was pretty refreshing. I feel a lot better and fully focus on while reading; it is one of the best ways to relax my mind.

4. I am grateful for the time I spent in the bookstore Рthis time too I did not find an exciting book (or, is it my book-purchase freeze that makes me difficult to choose books?), but certainly the time spent there was well worth it.

5. I am grateful for comfortably walking this morning; great exercise.

6. I am grateful for buying myself a lunch; in the afternoon I was actually pretty bored and wanted to get out of the house. I was also hungry – so I bought myself a meal. Next time, instead of two pieces of fish, I should order one; it was too much ūüôā

7. I am grateful for continuing with my budget this week too; I notice that the majority of the expenses occur during Friday-Monday. This somehow makes me nervous; what happens if unexpected expenses show up till the end of week? I really do not want to pass my maximum weekly allowance.

8. I am grateful that I get nervous about my expenses and reaching the maximum amount of weekly allowance – that means I am conscious of my spending and how much funds I let myself use during the week. This feeling I am sure will help me to control the expenses in the remaining days.

9. I am grateful for the healthy dinner I have had; boiled cauliflower coated with garlicky yogurt, topped up by chilly pepper stir-fried in olive oil. It makes my mouth watered! The majority of you may not be familiar with the garlicky and salted (depending on your preferences); I admit that it may not be appealing for everyone – but garlic helps reduce the blood pressure in some people (including myself) and the health benefits of the yogurt I am sure are well known.

10. I am grateful for the relaxing day; it lightly rains today, a little it grey too. But that makes it only a perfect day to spend at home, relaxing, reading, and watching TV.

11. I am grateful for my books; I have found many books about financial and retirement planning that I had forgotten I have had.¬†I have enjoyed re-reading one of them today and I am eyeing another one. I love reading about savings and investment ūüôā

12. I am grateful for removing extra grass from my yard.

13. I am grateful for all the food, clothes, shoes, and furniture I have at home. They give me protection and comfort and a feeling of abundance; while following a budget and saving funds, I found one tricky thing is to not let yourself feeling deprived. Identifying what we already have may help with this feeling.

14. I am grateful for the visit I will pay to my family in July – I have some time to finish time-sensitive work till then. Then I can enjoy my full-month of vacation with family and friends, hopefully while not thinking or dealing with work.

15. I am grateful for increasingly wanting to declutter my house. I have so many stuff stuffed here and there; especially the storage area. Even the things around may need to go; the other day I threw away a nail polisher, which changed its colour from transparent to yellowish….. Cannot be still good; I am glad I have noticed it and dumped it. I wonder though how many more stuff I have that are not functional or needed/wanted anymore? Some……

16. I am grateful for my couch and the blanket that make my sitting and reading so comfortable, warm, and relaxing..

17. I am grateful for my house for being mine, old but spacious, having a great insulation and ventilation system, and feeling like home to me… despite its expensive problems.. it is not its fault, is it? I gotta start having more positive feelings about my house..

18. I am grateful for realizing I may be at the beginning of a middle-age crisis….. Time to re-prioritize what I want from my life and how to reach them; drop those not useful or hurtful as well. One life and it is passing really quick..

19. I am grateful for being grateful.

one part of me is yours

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one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else.

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Kate’s short story – XXXVII

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that was a girl to move the mountains for

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I forgave myself and then remembered

the way I was, the feminine side

the girl next door, sweet, lovely, and cute

with nice nails, hair, and dresses

with an adorable shyness

and inherent, challenging toughness

that was a girl to move the mountains for

you made her fall for you with your charm

yet misread her outer calm

feeling defeated, you let it stand in the air

with no care, no feelings to dare

she drifted away mending, understanding

when she knew and eventually opened up to you

you denied all, sought for esteem of your own

and enjoyed every bit of her misery

her tears and years lost to you

became your cherished victory

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Kate’s short story – XXXV

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Do you know what that makes me?

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You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

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Kate’s short story – XXXI

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You had what I could not and I had what you would not

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It is true that the more I loved you M., the more I disliked¬†myself. You were kind,¬†nice,¬†full of joy and life. I have never seen you upset or mad. You never talked before thinking, never hurt anybody’s feelings. You always knew¬†the best music, the best CD, the best movie, and the best art show¬†to share. Your manners were exceptional. You always smelled good, walked and talked at the right pace. Your voice was¬†soothing.

You had what I could¬†not¬†and I had what you would¬†not;¬†I could¬†be mean¬†and¬†hot-headed. I snapped pretty easily.¬†I never thought¬†before speaking,¬†and¬†I said whatever went¬†through me. I hurt a lot of people’s feelings just by¬†this. I apologized to more people more often in a single day than you ever did. I walked and talked fast, especially when I was¬†nervous.¬†I hardly was¬†an art-fan or something. I could stink when I sweated. My language was dry, my words were short, and my voice was¬†hoarse. My manners were, meh, just average.

to be continued

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Kate’s short story – XXI

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nutty love

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I get it; I went nuts

I am doubtful of what I say

what I think, what I feel

my mind is a star away

I keep thinking

how can I be both happy and in pain

because of a love unattainable

I feel on the edge again

many thoughts float in my brain

if it continues like this

I will not be sane

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Kate’s short story – XVII

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end content

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two nights ago

a thought crossed my mind

“this will end one day”

it said

realizing the truth in it

maybe for the first time so naked

I felt the urge to live and panicked

I did know that

I would either regret

not having been with you

or be content

knowing that I did love you

I will not get to choose

which one will show up in my mind

to prevent the regret

forgetting you till then

would be the best

yet I will take the risk

I wish to end content

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Kate’s short story – XVI

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Changing directions

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In the entire story, two things are constant; the hurt and confusion created by ever changing directions of my emotions. One moment I am so profoundly in love with you; nothing and no one else matters. My entire existence is you, thoughts about you, longing for you. And the next day, I feel simply nothing towards you. Sometimes, just sometimes, I just hate you.

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Kate’ short story – XIII

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