death and forgiveness

Death does interesting stuff to your thinking.

At least, that is what the death of my dad did to me.

I am open about my pain more than I have ever imagined. I am human and I am okay to show it. I do not feel vulnerable or exploited or something like that. No. I feel completely human by talking and showing my grief and as a result, I get completely human responses; nicer, more positive, more emphatic…. I think I am lucky that I have good people around me – not one person said “stop this; you get to get over the death of your dad” or anything else that only an insensitive assh.le could say.

I am also forgiving. After all, what is not to forgive? No one in my life has hurt me physically or psychologically. Yes, there has been people influential on me and I cried, complained, got angry or heart-broken over people or their actions. Yes, I thought there was injustice or unfairness. Yes, I thought that I could do a lot better if I was given equity/equal opportunity. But no matter what, no one has ever hurt me in a way that I could not forgive. I have since then forgiven all and I am feeling good. Like an internal iceberg has melted and I am filled with warmth instead….

Death is a lonely journey. Thinking about someone going thru it is terrifying. It terrified my right before my dad passed away; I was worried about my dad going thru this unknown all alone. Was he scared? I kind of think he might have… I was not there to hold his hand, look at his eyes, and say “it is okay, dad”… It still breaks my heart. Nobody should face death alone. It would be better if our minds and hearts are filled with love and gratitude, rather than fear and loneliness, while approaching our last moments in life.

So when I think about the fact that we all will go thru death, no matter how much we would like to ignore it, I feel the same compassion and affection for all. I do not think anybody in my life really meant to hurt me. And I would not like any one to suffer or be scared during their transition to death. These make forgiveness so easy, so natural.

I cannot believe death can have such a healing effect, but that is what I have experienced.

Hope you can forgive and it has been easier for you than it was for me.

Hope you can forgive someone today.


random thoughts

I have been thinking about life as a whole; the regrets that we have; the relationships that we could not protect or save; the wishes that have remained unattained; the decisions and choices that we have made and turned out to be plain wrong; the opportunities that are lost; and the pain that comes with any of these.

I must correct myself; I have been thinking about these not because of life but because of death.

When death is in the equation, nothing much matters; none of the old scars, arguments, misunderstandings, hurt caused/experienced, insults made, the time and love lost along the process while we were struggling to just go through these emotions and live.

When death is in the equation, forgiveness and affection appear again. We do not care much why the other person did what s/he did or did not. We do not care why they did not behave the way we wished them to.

It is ridiculous that we cannot attain such a state of mind while people we care about are still alive.

Maybe there is too much history/memories, too many events, too many emotions linked to the past with that person. Maybe these are painful experiences, somehow hurting and making us ache deeply. Maybe they changed the course of our lives for a worse one; maybe we lost good opportunities because of them. Maybe we just could not reach them; could not become the friends, daughters, brothers, or parents we wished to be. Maybe we just blamed them for things that have happened or not happened.

Death is a journey to the unknown and it is very scary. They say death is more painful for those who are left behind. But I guess a part of our pain is to know how brave are those who have died and experienced the unknown. Before us. And we have nothing to help or support those who are gone. They are all alone in this and we are powerless.

I know while death is a natural part of life, we hardly would like to think or talk about it. I just read something about death today; it basically said since we do not think about it, we happen to think that we will live for ever. One reason to delay things to later. One reason to not enjoy the sight of the moon, scent of the flowers, hugs of a child, and the smile of a loved one while they are right in front of us.

The same writing also asked how many days of our lives we have not remembered? If we do not remember, then was it wasted or was it just ordinary?

Hard to know the answer, but this can be a good opportunity now to make every day count and every person in our lives feel loved and supported; to exercise less ego and more forgiveness; to share more and better, and smile;  and to remove the term “hate” from our vocabulary.

The life in the diary – IV



February 6, 2013

I am in the hospital bed – my surgery was two days ago. I woke up 2 hours after it. The doctor did not visit me yet, but one of the residents did. She said the doctor did a good job and the surgery went well. My vital statistics are good and I am into recovery. I will stay in the hospital a couple of more days just to make sure there is no serious post-surgery concerns before I can be released. The resident says my doctor will tell me the future course of my medical care. I am waiting; it has been two days with no sign. I feel deprived but at the same time, I do not care. If it was a serious issue, I am sure my doctor would just fire the news.

The bed is not bad but the other patient in the room is noisy – I am happy for her that she has visitors; everybody needs that. But I am not happy with the long loud phone conversations. I feel like I know her entire ordeal, which is dare. She has broken her ankle and it got infected. I have seen the foot – it is all brownish, reddish, blackish colour. I felt for her. She hopes to get our of this without losing her foot. I totally understand and wish her good. I seem to be doing better than her.

I feel a lot better now prior to the surgery. I am not shaky or scared anymore. I am sure the surgery removed the bad cells and we will do our best to remove the rest too. It is good that the bulk of them is gone, the task at hand seems easier now. I know deep down that I will handle that well. It will be over sometime.

I have three different nurses come and check me, draw blood to do the tests. They are so nice; nurses should be given a higher level of respect and appreciation. For a patient there is nothing better than a smiling and affectionate look and words. On one occasion each, two of the nurses almost made me cry. The first one was a nurse who was trying to withdraw blood and was not able to find the vein or get the blood in two trials. She had to go thru my hand and she apologized for it. It was thin butterfly syringe that is really kind to my nerves. And when the nurse saw the blood filling the vial, she exclaimed with joy and said “bull’s eye!”. She is a sweetheart and I am wishing the best of everything for her. The second nurse I have seen only once so far and she asked me whether I would like her to help me with my bath and wash my back…. I wanted to cry so hard…. Affection is the kindest act ever. May she find happiness, health, and whatever she is wishing in life.


The life in the diary – IV

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he was my little morning dove

I once loved a boy

he was young and scarred

life was his biggest enemy

pained in every inch, every moment

all remedies stolen

he had the softest heart I have ever known

gentle, loving, even though broken

he was my little morning dove

to be handled with affection and love

he was my son, my brother, my husband

he was the love of my life


All rights reserved.  ©

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