The first day of the “work” staycation

I am hesitant to call this a “staycation” because I am doing anything but relaxing.

I got up before 8 am and started working right away. I realized one of the works I have been working on the last 1 month or so had a significant flaw. Naturally, I fumed and my agitation that started yesterday heightened again.

I was so pissed and lost my hope in doing a good job that I contemplated about quitting this line of work and leave here for good. Oh, how lovely my life would have been then? (ah, no really… it would come with its own problems that is for sure, but at that time the idea of leaving these behind looked so appealing, so lovely…anyways).

I talked to my family and it was great to know that they were well and sound. Yet I think with my toxic mindset, I negatively affected their morale. Boy.. At least I felt a little bit better. But, at what cost, I should ask. I will apologize tomorrow…

After that fiasco, I realized that I may not be able to solve that flaw just yet, so I moved on with other tasks that I must be taking care of. Two of them have moved quite nice and easy. I must say sometimes being pissed off or feeling inadequate makes me quite productive. After all, if there is one feeling that makes me feel better is to be able to move/progress something.. Anything! 

I want to remind myself that all hurdles are an opportunity to grow and do better….

I want to think that realizing that work of mine was bad earlier than later was actually a great thing for me overall…..

I want to believe that whatever I am going through right now will pass and I will feel good again…..

As my sister said today, there are so many insoluble and serious problems in life that these kind of things do not make sense after all.

I want to feel these.

I want to.

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joy journal – Jan 22, 2017

The first post of the year 🙂

I aim for writing this journal everyday, but sometimes it is just not convenient… Sometimes, though, I crave for it – I either feel elated and cannot wait to share how I feel, or I am down or agitated (like nowadays), which makes me want to write it so that I can immediately start feeling good 🙂

1. Whether it is written every day, or needed out of misery does no matter – the positive effect of writing the joy journal is a real thing. I am very grateful that I have this option and am exercising this option right now.

2. I am grateful for having a quiet day. It has been full of work and some stress/down time, yet I managed to calm myself down in the evening by journaling somewhere else. Facing and expressing negative feelings is okay. Often times, I beat myself for not being “perfect” enough – but then it is not true. Developing this compassion, even after an inner storm, is a blessing.

3. I am grateful for eating healthy today.

4. I am grateful for the frozen soup I have consumed today. I have 3 more containers to go. I thought I would be bored of eating these soup, but I proved myself wrong. It was delicious 🙂

5. I am grateful for today being a “no expense” day – i did not spend any money today 🙂

6. I am grateful for talking to my family and having a laughter or two 🙂

7. I am grateful for my lower back feeling good and not needing stretches. 

8. I am grateful for the movies I have watched today.

9. I am grateful for everything I have at home; my food, clothes, shoes, furniture, computer, internet and phone connections, and cable. Everything works together to make my life easy, comfortable, safe, and nourishing. Thank you everything 🙂

10. I am grateful for my house standing tall and strong even though the weather keeps beating us up and the wind blowing parts around. I am very proud of my house keeping so strong. 

11. I am grateful for reading blog posts about inner peace and positivity… Inspiration is always there, if we look for it. many people take their time to share their thoughts or experiences, some of which I can relate. Most importantly, those posts make me remember that I am not the only person who is going thru these feelings (e.g. agitation, feeling down, or stressed). This makes an immediate and positive effect on me…. every.. single.. time.. 🙂

12. I am grateful for being grateful 🙂

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Added after the post:

Someone suggested to write down three things we appreciate about ourselves every day or something  (http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2013/09/11/improve-self-esteem/) .

I loved this idea, considering how hard I have been on myself lately. So here they are:

1. I love the fact that I do not give up at the face of adversary or criticism. It may hurt, I may react, I may feel angry or down, but eventually I will find a way to make things better and silence that critic!

2. I love the fact that I make efforts to make things better all the time. It is sad that I down talk about myself (I not only criticize myself but also make a negative impression on others unnecessarily- the curse of being a modest and humble person), but this will change from now on.  I decided to nourish myself and talk about myself objectively and positively at the same time!

3. I love the fact that I am a good person and am terrific at my job. Nobody else could do what I am doing and so meticulously. I am very good at my role in life and my role at my work-place. Everybody should get over this, starting with my inner critic 🙂

There….

Feeling 100% better about myself already and rightfully!!!  🙂

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Added after the previous addition:

How come I never appreciated myself, while I appreciated so many things?

From today on, my joy journal will include positive things about myself! 🙂

 

 

 

 

snow storm and neighbours

Snow storm has passed leaving around 2 meters of snow bank in front of my house and making me anxious about whether this snow bank would hurt my house, especially the window facing it…..

It is strange that my neighbors, even the ones across from my house, would shovel their snows towards my house. Where does this come from? Please keep it in your own area. I had to step out a number of times and kindly ask my neighbors to keep the snow on and around their sides… Sigh… One thing that really ticked me off today… Kind of inconsiderate…

I continue to feel agitated mostly because of work-related issues and the snow bank-neighbour issues. Yet, I am supposed to feel good about my life and myself. So how do I find this balance?

I guess it is time that I focus on the big picture, relax, and find the confidence in me that I can handle everything well 🙂

 

 

feeling agitated and believing in adventure

One of these times when things are all too much, some people are doing stuff that they are not supposed to, my nerves are cracking, and I feel low and agitated. But hey, it is all adventure 🙂

Why adventure? 

I do not know – I saw a post today by a fellow blogger I like to follow. The post somehow linked the “unexpected” with the “adventure” and here I am; inspired and doing the same thing; linking the agitation I feel nowadays with an unknown adventure 🙂

Naturally, I am trying to move on and feel good by finding the positive among all the muddy and spiky agitating experiences. I know my (agitating) feelings will subsidize eventually and I will feel okay again. So, it is only a matter of time before I leave these behind.

But not before I get what I am supposed to get out of these experiences.

That is the adventure 🙂

 

The life in the diary – XII

Fiction

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February 24, 2013

I am placed in a new single-bed room; my isolation from the rest of the public, even though not strictly, still continues. No mingling with others, especially pregnant women and babies/children, continuing to flush the toilet twice, using only disposable cutlery and plates. The garbage is collected carefully and placed in a special disposal bag. I did not ask about this this time; “its contents need to cool down a couple of weeks before it can be dumped” I was told last time.

Although this is my second time going thru this treatment, although I have been there before, I continue to feel like a disaster, something harmful, something unwanted… I have 12 more days to go like this. “Being extra cautious, that is all“. The radiation in my body should not be harmful to anyone else as long as I keep my distance. That is what they said. That is what they had said the first time, too.

But this does not mean it is not harmful to me. I wanna scream sometime… Nobody, not even nurses, approached me more than 4 meters in the first 48 hours. I had to take showers at least twice a day; flush twice, suck candies or chew gums to protect my salivary glands from the effects of radiation, drink gallons of water, and furiously apply lotion to my body and hands to circumvent dryness induced by extreme washing. On top of these, I had to calm myself saying that radiation was in fact good for me; it was going to kill the blooming cancer cells. It was my door to cure. This too would pass….Yet, not for even a moment, I could dis-acknowledge that my body, my normal cells, were also at risk.

I was given the radiation in a pill, which I dutifully swallowed. Once I took the pill, I was officially “hot”. The nuclear medicine expert, standing meters away, tried to joke by saying this I guess.

I did not like the nuclear medicine expert from the beginning on. A tall, confident man. Asked me where I was from. I wanted to snap back asking”why?” but answered anyhow. Whoa… It turned out our nations had battles sometime during  the deep, long history and my nation was certainly not one their favourites!! Ok…. why did I need to be told this? I fumed inside. In a moment, I transformed from feeling incredibly vulnerable to feeling like a hard-rock impasse. I took my revenge when he asked me whether he could sit on my bed to start explaining the cons and pros of the treatment and when I said “sure, please sit; you are old.

I broke a large victorious smile.

He?

Startled.

Oh, yeah; I love myself:)

He came with a young fellow, who never uttered a word during the half an hour pre-treatment consultation. I assumed he was a resident or a medical school student shadowing the expert. Before they leave, I wanted to tell him “we are vulnerable and anxious; we need comfort, assurance, and compassion from our medical teams. Please, whatever you do, please do not aggravate your patient.”

I did not say anything but I hugely regret this now; maybe this young fellow would contemplate on what I would say. Maybe it could help other patients.

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The life in the diary – XII

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