random thoughts

My long-lasting and recent favorite Netflix series ended the other day and I am desperately looking for a series that will keep me occupied with interest. Shout out any suggestions.

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I am having another loooong week, but that is okay. Slowly, many things are progressing and I feel okay with this. Some good news are also coming to my way, too. Just yesterday I got an invitation to speak at a professional meeting and I am delighted. A colleague of mine helped solve an issue this evening, and I could not be happier. He is my partner in a project and he has done his part really well. Respect. This morning I had a 2 hours presentation, the longest I have ever done remotely, and it went so well! Lots to celebrate. Lots to cherish.

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My two hours presentation had concerned me quite a bit until I delivered it. I have yet another one coming in a couple of months. I do not like to just speak, but involve everyone – as much as possible – in the discussion, questions, or comments. In a remote environment, many of these things are quite challenging. Today’s session was a small group, so it was easier to make it interactive. But I have a large one coming, with potentially around 60 attendees. How to manage such a size and make people engaged and attract their attention?

One thing I want to try is to use the poll function. I have tried it myself but was not sure whether it really worked. So I opted out using it today. But with the big presentation, I need to establish it and get experienced with it. The good thing is that I have time to figure this out. I can also ask for IT’s help – but honestly I want to learn and apply it myself so that I can keep doing it independently. So next week or so, I will rush after learning the poll function.

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My foster cat Mona is doing well. Her latest health scare is healing and I could not be happier. The panic I felt was very real. In a couple of days it subsidized. I was able to look at her belly closely and take pics and video clips (to send to rescue organization). The general idea was to “keep an eye on it, and if it gets worse in a couple of days, we will get her to a vet”. Thankfully, it started to heal at that time. Happiness 🙂

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This incidence made me think quite a bit. This is the first time I have someone else in my home since my late 20’s (yes, I treat her like a person..). First time I am closely responsible for helping someone else. The panic I felt – many people felt it so much earlier in life. They got experienced and dealt with such things much successfully while I was living my solo life. Imagine, how late I am in experiencing some of life experiences? 🙂

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Spring is still far away but at least we will have brighter days, starting this weekend (daylight savings). I am not naive to think that Spring will just show up in April – April is often our most turbulent and unpredictable month. End of May is a much better approximate time for the start of Spring. I cannot wait to work in my yard, hug my trees, admire all the life forms, and gaze at the neighbourhood. Ahh, the sweet Spring. Hope you will bring us a much safer and enjoyable days.

Stay safe folks.

happiness is knowing that someone you care about is well and sound

I called the animal shelter today to ask about how to donate them the money that I was rising by selling extra items in my home that I identified during my latest decluttering activity.

I could not help but asked about Jamie the cat that I had adopted a few weeks ago, which I unfortunately had to return back.

They told me that he was now adopted and was doing really well in his new home!

I could not be happier!!!

 

Jamie – may your new home bring you joy, safety, love, and all the toys and food you may love:)

I hope all animals will find their best homes sooner than later.

I hope we all will do, however small it can be, our parts to care for the animals; whether it is fostering, donating food or other items or funds, or just helping an animal in need.

Thank you my friends for being here to support me while I went thru this emotional turbulence. Now I am at peace….

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

sometimes it is best to leave the love behind

It is all good, I promise.

Skip the 1st part and scroll down to the second half should you prefer not to hear about the drama.

(honestly, I too would like to leave this drama behind…).

———————————

My mom was very upset that I returned Jamie the cat back. My sister and my brother too. They highly recommended me take it back.

Did I not want it?

With each day I have been feeling a little bit better, but I am still emotional about that innocent, mystical live-being.

Anyways, my mom forced (!) me to go back to the shelter. And I did. Not to take him back, but to inquire what would happen to him, and if he was to be killed, to re-adopt him (I thought what I could offer him would be better than death for this young, lovely cat). They assured me again that he would not be killed unless he has behavioral problems or gets sick. There were cats that have been living there for 3 years 🙂

I could not completely believe, but got happy anyhow! 🙂 Jamie will not die because of me and he has got a lot of opportunities to be adopted 🙂

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Why am I telling you these?

Not to continue with my recent drama, but to note something that I realized.

By chance, I saw my friend at the shelter; she is a regular there. She told me one thing that I cannot forget.

She said Jamie was not the right cat for me.

I was still defensive and said I was not the right owner for him.

Now I am thinking; she was right. It felt right. Jamie the cat and I were not right for each other. if it was so, we would be happy and comfortable together.

In the past too I have had experiences like this when I was not 100% sure and got conflicted about whether or not to take a step (like adopting Jamie).

In the future I hope to remember this: if I find myself stretching too much for someone/something, and if I am not 100% comfortable, I will stop myself and walk away.

While there is room for development in all of us, if it is too much of a concern around it, it is best to leave the love behind. There will always be others.

And long-live the friends 🙂

And if i want to help animals, then I better donate to shelters and stop eating them for sometime…

loving ourselves, loving others

I am not the only one who left a loved one behind, not being there when they needed us, or betrayed/disappointed them over own wellness, convenience, or happiness.

What does it mean to prioritize our best interests over others’?

Does that mean we are selfish? Loving ourselves more than others? Is it a survival instinct? Knowing what we are capable of and what not? Not caring much? Not loving others enough? What is it really?

I do not know.

There is a cost of loving others; whether they are people or animals. When they are sick, sad, down, or death, it breaks us…..

Does that mean we should not love?

No.

Is there a cost to others if we prioritize ourselves over them? Certainly.

Should that mean we should not love ourselves?

No.

Life is very strange.

foster-care programs for animals

I continue to be upset about returning back my little boy, Jamie the cat, back to the shelter after 5 days..

I continue to be overwhelmed by the emotions; guilt, missing, and loving Jamie.  And often I burst in tears. I am a middle aged, mature person, but there I am crying…… I am a mess.

There is a lot to process for me and as time goes on I digest more.

I found talking about Jamie and my experience with him helps me a lot. I was talking to my neighbour, who has asked about Jamie and I cried there too. She suggested I pet her cat (which is a lovely cat that often shows up in my yard) or consider fostering cats from a foster-care program.

What a great idea….

There is one foster-care program in my city that lets me foster and even pays for the food of the animals. Is that not great? This organization is also aiming to develop a no-kill shelter over time – they estimate it to take 3-4 years with the current level of funding. I wish we could have all shelters like that, a no-kill shelter.

I wish I was aware of the foster program before. I sure would give it a try, and possibly did better. I do not think I would love another cat as much as I love Jamie, yet in this life anything is possible. After all, I loved a cat more like a family member of mine and I cry after him, even though we had spent only 5 days together….

Fostering can work for many people. I think it would be a great opportunity;

  • for people like me who are not 100% sure of getting a cat
  • for those who wants to adopt but first would like to see whether they can get along with the cat
  • for kind, animal lovers, who may be traveling sometime (so cannot fully commit to an animal, like myself), or
  • for those who are looking for a mouser cat

Wouldn’t it be just nice to take our part in this planet by taking care of, feeding, or showing love to other earthly creatures? Even for a short time?

🙂

 

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

——————————————

The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

——————————————

That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

——————————–

Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

———————————-

I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

———————————-

Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

sad decisions….

Sometimes there is no ideal choice and you just need to pick one that will better fit your current needs or wishes.

That is what I have done yesterday night.

Tomorrow, I am giving Jamie (the cat I adopted last Friday) back to the shelter.

It breaks my heart….

Jamie is a lovely cat. Just maybe too friendly, which I cannot accommodate in my life; like not being able to pet him very, very frequently as he constantly asks for it; not being able to allow him to lie on my keyboard, which otherwise limits my work and personal time; and not being able to let him sleep on my bed at night.

Rejecting him at these occasions feels very bad and he also shows the signs of frustrations, by biting or chewing….. Yesterday night after a number of biting and chewing attempts I thought: I knew I was not completely ready to have a cat (lots to learn to take excellent care of him), but I had never thought before that I would be scared of a cat….Sure somebody else would have handled these better, but I just feel helpless as to how to figure these out now.

This afternoon, I called the shelter and they expect him back tomorrow. My friend will come to help me to get him in the carrier. People at the shelter were sad…. I was sad. Very sorry…..

I feel like sh.t…..

I am sending a lovely creature out of my life to a shelter that he was not happy with at the first place (he does not like other cats while he is extremely good with people). I am denying him the happiness he has had here with me. I will miss his voice, his warmth, and trust on me. I will miss cleaning his litter box (for some reason, I never negatively reacted to that), picking up food and toys for him. I will miss the good memories we have had in the last four days, the way he made me feel unconditionally loved and trusted.

These are the emotional parts of the entire ordeal. I broke tears many times since yesterday….Emotions, after all, are quite powerful.

There is, of course, a logical part of the entire ordeal as well. I am not only denying him happiness but also frustration coming from not being pet/scratched every 10 minutes. This is actually good for him. I imagine him being quite happy in a new home with multiple people. I imagine him being happy with someone who is just happy with the way Jamie is, or knows how to train him (if there is anything like this)  to not do certain things or show certain behaviors. He is a great cat, young, beautiful, and healthy and I am sure that he can find a new home soon (I do not want to think otherwise….).

As per me; I will continue to feel like a failure, guilty, and heartless for some time. But when I think, I know it is the best decision not only for him, but also for me. I will be back to my regular life and life-style, and reflect on myself, my life, and my relationships with people or animals I love. I just hope that I will not dwell too much on this and over-generalize my failure with Jamie to my entire life and to my other relationships.

Love, my friends, can bring one to her knees, or make one to fly up high. The clash with emotions and logical thinking, on the other hand, can be detrimental; my self-induced self-hate right now, after all, is mostly due to this clash.

I am almost sure in a couple of weeks, I will be fine. Just like how I have overcome the emotions I have had for the first cat I had loved but did not adopt because he had extensive dental problems in the past…. I have hated myself for quite a long time after that, too.

It is strange that all of these and my interest to adopt a cat happened in the last two weeks.

What a strange, emotionally dense, and wonderful time of my life at the same time..

 

Jamie the cat is home

I brought Jamie home 30 min ago – I am writing from the room I got for him.

I was recommended to keep him in a small room for the few days to prevent him from being overwhelmed 🙂

He seems to be adjusting well (I hope); exploring everywhere, eating food, and walking around. I just wished he had used his litter box for some reason.

I am humming a tune and sometimes even speaking to him (or rather to myself 🙂 ) I am mostly ignoring him, typing or browsing the internet. That seems to be working as he is approaching me.

This is, my friends, a historical event in my life. My first cat of my adult life.

I hope that to be a wonderful experience and adventure for both of us 🙂

cat adoption papers in

I have made another visit to the shelter today; to make sure the energy the cat I like (Jamie) and I was still there. well, he was sleeping and when he woke up, he was pretty grumpy. But hey, I got cold feet again, tried to play with him, and I also tried to hold. He was not in the mood and we left it there.

I put the adoption papers in.

Am I looking for trouble or what? I am not sure.

The worst thing that will happen is that I will not be able to put him in the carrier myself and ask for help.

I also asked about a cat boarding facility and they recommended one that I had already talked to. If I can find someone to sit him while I am away, that would be great. If not, the facilities will make it.

I am supposed to pick Jamie up on Friday. I shopped this afternoon to get prepared. Tomorrow, I will set his room with scratch post, food, water, bed, litter box, and toys. He has got lovely toys 🙂

wish me luck! 🙂

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

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