Random thoughts

Happy Saturday, folks – I hope all is well, safe, and enjoying today.

I have not been blogging as much as I want, but I hope to write more in the coming days. The more I write, the more I understand. The more I understand, the better I get. Life also gets more exciting 🙂

Anyways.

My antidepressant dosage is working and I feel great again. That is, my friends, priceless.

Happy The Rock GIF by NBC - Find & Share on GIPHY

My work performance eventually got to the level prior to my mom’s passing in Fall 2021. I am quite satisfied with that. Being content with oneself is important, isn’t it? One more thing to be grateful of.

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Spring is around the corner. We have more and more bright sky-days that give me hope and energy. I must say though that I will miss snow and cool weather. It was great to walk on snow and breathe in cool weather. It does soothe my nerves. How about you? I know many people who would not like Winter. That is okay, my friends, as long as we like something about some weather/season.

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I got my taxes done a few weeks ago, and for the first time in my life, I got a good return that I did not expect. So, I was naturally happy, but also feel feared, feeling like maybe we missed something during the filing process (I hope not). I used the return to make a mortgage pre-payment and then to complete paying off my Home Buyers Plan (Canadian folks would know this – it is basically an interest free loan from my own RRSP, an investment tool for retirement). This means folks, I have only my mortgage left to pay off to own my house.

Show Me The Money GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Unless something catastrophic happens, I plan to pay off my mortgage at the end of the term this Fall. I will use a part of my TFSA investments to complete it. I am excited about this. I am VERY excited about this. It is too early to get happy about this, but I think of the times that I first purchased my home and how financially it changed my life. I was not abundant and feeling rich anymore. I rather felt like unless I took charge of my spendings, I could end of being in more debt than the mortgage. So drastic cuts followed, and I am glad, it did. Now, I have a life long habit of being resourceful and abundant while also protecting my money and maximizing its value.

My foster cat Mona is still with me and I could not be happier. Everyday with her is a blessing. She truly heals me. Mentally, emotionally. May she have a great, long, happy, and healthy life free of suffering, dirty litter boxes, and cruel people around.

Cats Save Them All GIF by Best Friends Animal Society - Find & Share on GIPHY

Well, these are what I have got at the time being. You all stay well and safe, my friends. Talk to you next time 🙂

happiness is knowing that someone you care about is well and sound

I called the animal shelter today to ask about how to donate them the money that I was rising by selling extra items in my home that I identified during my latest decluttering activity.

I could not help but asked about Jamie the cat that I had adopted a few weeks ago, which I unfortunately had to return back.

They told me that he was now adopted and was doing really well in his new home!

I could not be happier!!!

 

Jamie – may your new home bring you joy, safety, love, and all the toys and food you may love:)

I hope all animals will find their best homes sooner than later.

I hope we all will do, however small it can be, our parts to care for the animals; whether it is fostering, donating food or other items or funds, or just helping an animal in need.

Thank you my friends for being here to support me while I went thru this emotional turbulence. Now I am at peace….

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

sometimes it is best to leave the love behind

It is all good, I promise.

Skip the 1st part and scroll down to the second half should you prefer not to hear about the drama.

(honestly, I too would like to leave this drama behind…).

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My mom was very upset that I returned Jamie the cat back. My sister and my brother too. They highly recommended me take it back.

Did I not want it?

With each day I have been feeling a little bit better, but I am still emotional about that innocent, mystical live-being.

Anyways, my mom forced (!) me to go back to the shelter. And I did. Not to take him back, but to inquire what would happen to him, and if he was to be killed, to re-adopt him (I thought what I could offer him would be better than death for this young, lovely cat). They assured me again that he would not be killed unless he has behavioral problems or gets sick. There were cats that have been living there for 3 years 🙂

I could not completely believe, but got happy anyhow! 🙂 Jamie will not die because of me and he has got a lot of opportunities to be adopted 🙂

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Why am I telling you these?

Not to continue with my recent drama, but to note something that I realized.

By chance, I saw my friend at the shelter; she is a regular there. She told me one thing that I cannot forget.

She said Jamie was not the right cat for me.

I was still defensive and said I was not the right owner for him.

Now I am thinking; she was right. It felt right. Jamie the cat and I were not right for each other. if it was so, we would be happy and comfortable together.

In the past too I have had experiences like this when I was not 100% sure and got conflicted about whether or not to take a step (like adopting Jamie).

In the future I hope to remember this: if I find myself stretching too much for someone/something, and if I am not 100% comfortable, I will stop myself and walk away.

While there is room for development in all of us, if it is too much of a concern around it, it is best to leave the love behind. There will always be others.

And long-live the friends 🙂

And if i want to help animals, then I better donate to shelters and stop eating them for sometime…

foster-care programs for animals

I continue to be upset about returning back my little boy, Jamie the cat, back to the shelter after 5 days..

I continue to be overwhelmed by the emotions; guilt, missing, and loving Jamie.  And often I burst in tears. I am a middle aged, mature person, but there I am crying…… I am a mess.

There is a lot to process for me and as time goes on I digest more.

I found talking about Jamie and my experience with him helps me a lot. I was talking to my neighbour, who has asked about Jamie and I cried there too. She suggested I pet her cat (which is a lovely cat that often shows up in my yard) or consider fostering cats from a foster-care program.

What a great idea….

There is one foster-care program in my city that lets me foster and even pays for the food of the animals. Is that not great? This organization is also aiming to develop a no-kill shelter over time – they estimate it to take 3-4 years with the current level of funding. I wish we could have all shelters like that, a no-kill shelter.

I wish I was aware of the foster program before. I sure would give it a try, and possibly did better. I do not think I would love another cat as much as I love Jamie, yet in this life anything is possible. After all, I loved a cat more like a family member of mine and I cry after him, even though we had spent only 5 days together….

Fostering can work for many people. I think it would be a great opportunity;

  • for people like me who are not 100% sure of getting a cat
  • for those who wants to adopt but first would like to see whether they can get along with the cat
  • for kind, animal lovers, who may be traveling sometime (so cannot fully commit to an animal, like myself), or
  • for those who are looking for a mouser cat

Wouldn’t it be just nice to take our part in this planet by taking care of, feeding, or showing love to other earthly creatures? Even for a short time?

🙂

 

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

——————————————

The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

——————————————

That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

——————————–

Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

———————————-

I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

———————————-

Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

sad decisions….

Sometimes there is no ideal choice and you just need to pick one that will better fit your current needs or wishes.

That is what I have done yesterday night.

Tomorrow, I am giving Jamie (the cat I adopted last Friday) back to the shelter.

It breaks my heart….

Jamie is a lovely cat. Just maybe too friendly, which I cannot accommodate in my life; like not being able to pet him very, very frequently as he constantly asks for it; not being able to allow him to lie on my keyboard, which otherwise limits my work and personal time; and not being able to let him sleep on my bed at night.

Rejecting him at these occasions feels very bad and he also shows the signs of frustrations, by biting or chewing….. Yesterday night after a number of biting and chewing attempts I thought: I knew I was not completely ready to have a cat (lots to learn to take excellent care of him), but I had never thought before that I would be scared of a cat….Sure somebody else would have handled these better, but I just feel helpless as to how to figure these out now.

This afternoon, I called the shelter and they expect him back tomorrow. My friend will come to help me to get him in the carrier. People at the shelter were sad…. I was sad. Very sorry…..

I feel like sh.t…..

I am sending a lovely creature out of my life to a shelter that he was not happy with at the first place (he does not like other cats while he is extremely good with people). I am denying him the happiness he has had here with me. I will miss his voice, his warmth, and trust on me. I will miss cleaning his litter box (for some reason, I never negatively reacted to that), picking up food and toys for him. I will miss the good memories we have had in the last four days, the way he made me feel unconditionally loved and trusted.

These are the emotional parts of the entire ordeal. I broke tears many times since yesterday….Emotions, after all, are quite powerful.

There is, of course, a logical part of the entire ordeal as well. I am not only denying him happiness but also frustration coming from not being pet/scratched every 10 minutes. This is actually good for him. I imagine him being quite happy in a new home with multiple people. I imagine him being happy with someone who is just happy with the way Jamie is, or knows how to train him (if there is anything like this)  to not do certain things or show certain behaviors. He is a great cat, young, beautiful, and healthy and I am sure that he can find a new home soon (I do not want to think otherwise….).

As per me; I will continue to feel like a failure, guilty, and heartless for some time. But when I think, I know it is the best decision not only for him, but also for me. I will be back to my regular life and life-style, and reflect on myself, my life, and my relationships with people or animals I love. I just hope that I will not dwell too much on this and over-generalize my failure with Jamie to my entire life and to my other relationships.

Love, my friends, can bring one to her knees, or make one to fly up high. The clash with emotions and logical thinking, on the other hand, can be detrimental; my self-induced self-hate right now, after all, is mostly due to this clash.

I am almost sure in a couple of weeks, I will be fine. Just like how I have overcome the emotions I have had for the first cat I had loved but did not adopt because he had extensive dental problems in the past…. I have hated myself for quite a long time after that, too.

It is strange that all of these and my interest to adopt a cat happened in the last two weeks.

What a strange, emotionally dense, and wonderful time of my life at the same time..

 

random thougths (mostly on cat ownership)

I woke up early this morning, before 8 am (yes, it is early for me: I usually get up around 9 am). I was wondering how Jamie the cat was. After doing the morning routine (it is routine now, like changing his water and cleaning his litter box), I left him for the first time at home for the day.

The morning was awesome with a cool temperature but nevertheless sunny and walking felt good. I was planning to take the bus, but then feeling the goodness coming out of the day and walking, I decided to walk to office. I was there in 30 min. I found a chance to look at the trees and enjoy the quite morning with little traffic. I really enjoyed this morning walk.

Work went well and after two long meetings, I was back at home in the afternoon to continue to work here. I was wondering how the cat did, and to my joy everything was alright; he was well and nothing at home has been harmed, broken, moved, or trashed by the cat. That felt good and once more I realized what an easy cat he was.

I try to pet him and play with him time to time. I guess it is true what they say; when you ignore them, cats approach you. I must say surprisingly he is the one that wants to lie on my lap, climb on me, or head butt me. It is really interesting that I get so much love and comfort from this cat. I hope he will not change. I hope he will not get frustrated by constantly asking for love/attention from me and getting it maybe 60% of the time.

I feel conscious about this; I feel like I must address all of his needs and wants. I am good with providing him safety and food/water/clean litter (i.e. basic needs). I pet him the majority of the time he wants it, but not always. So far, I did not let him climb on my face or bite my socks. I lift him off my keyboard. I feel like rejecting the poor animal, which makes me quite sad/sorry. I know how it feels to be rejected…..

But I also think that I cannot do everything he wants me to, like play when he wants, scratch when he wants, climb on me, bite me, or let him sleep on my bed. One of my fears is to have a cat who is pretty spoiled…

It turns out we both have rules.

I have a trip to make in October for a week and I wonder how we are going to handle his care. I either need to find someone to house sit him or I will place him in a boarding facility. I do not know how I will and how he will feel about it.

Honestly while it is a great cat, I can tell you it is not all white and black for me. I feel like I cannot give him the attention he needs. When I am away on trips, it is a problem. Since I am used to live alone, I kind of scared of the sudden noises he makes, especially at night. The fact that he becomes more active at night is unfortunate; these are the times that I really need the quiet time for myself. Feeling conscious, having  some kind of remorse, and all bunch of other feelings….

Maybe they were right; I should have fostered him first and then decide to adopt. It feels like the buyer’s remorse; when you buy the house it is exciting first and then it becomes kind of worrisome and you regret its responsibility big time. Until it becomes your routine….

I have not given up yet, but honestly I miss my freedom 🙂

How am I doing in my 3rd day being a cat owner?

Jamie the cat and I are doing really well. It is a very well mannered cat. So far there has been no aggression or biting/scratching kind of events. He used his litter box and did not vomit or urinate everywhere (I hope). He wants me to scratch his neck quite frequently. I am happy with this for now as it helps us to bond, but I hope he will not expect me to do this all the time 🙂 I also try not to pay attention when he meows – the last thing I want to have is a cat that can get my attention whenever he wants…. (I know this sounds heartless, but honesty that is what I think….)

I introduced him to the first floor today. He is good at exploring and seems to enjoy looking out of the window.  He also sniffs the two second hand rugs I got last week; it is possible that they came from homes with pets.

He still visits his room; as a matter of fact his bed, hiding place (aka my old suitcase), litter box, water, and food trays are all there. Today I cleaned the room and opened the windows. While his litter box does not smell, the room does. I do not know whether that is the dry food or he urinated on the shag rugs to mark his room. Something happened.

Jamie and I often compete for the keyboard 🙂 I try to limit him step on it but I am not sure how that will happen..How do we make cats conditioned to not do something? if you have any advice, please tell me.

So almost everything is fine. I am still trying to adjust to having something at home and something to care for. It is kind of strange as I have been living alone for a very long time. I must admit I feel like my freedom is limited now; it is only because of me watching Jamie all the time 🙂 I try to see how he behaves and whether there are dangers at home that I have not counted for. I guess this feeling will go away in a couple of days.

Right after I typed that, Jamie, while trying to climb in a storage cabinet, dropped something heavy. Of course, that is not nice but I talked to him, does he get it? I needed to open the vacuum to clean the mess and that caused him to get a little bit more scared. I do not know where he is right now – hiding somewhere I guess.

Since I am usually a quiet person, I try to make noises around for him to get used to noise. I rang the bell, TV is on, I used the vacuum to clean the house yesterday and today. I expect a couple of visitors this week, which I hope will give him an opportunity to get used to having people at home.

So, I still have some internal work to do and need to get used to live with a cat/another living being, whose rules and habits do not match mine, but I could not ask for a better mannered cat. He is quiet, not violent/aggressive, eats and drinks water well, does not walk on the counter or the dining table yet (I have newspapers with double-sided tapes – he tried once and he did not like the sticky thing I guess. I have not seem him doing this again. I got the idea from internet. I hope to keep him away from these places), is young and looking healthy. A nice cat after all.

I will handle my emotions and the responsibility towards him. We will be fine over time.

My first day with Jamie the cat

IMG_9543
there he is! Jamie 🙂

Alright friends; I survived it 🙂

I brought Jamie home from the shelter (with the help of my friend, who encouraged me to adopt a cat and has been with me several times to see/check Jamie at the shelter). She has been instrumental in me finding a company and Jamie a home 🙂

I was not sure what would happen, as I was said at the shelter that he is a scared kind of cat. They told me it is mostly the other cats that scares him, but nobody would know how it would be at his new home. They advised me to keep him in a room for a few days prior to introducing the rest of the house to him, and spend time with him.

Okay. So I got a small room readied for him; everything is in there; toys, bed, scratcher, food, water, litter box,  carrier/pet taxi, a high bed-side drawer (so that he can go up to feel safe; that is what everybody says about cats; they like heights), the pillow I sit on while I am in the room, and an old small luggage of mine, which I thought he would like as a hiding place (he loved it 🙂 ).

During the entire time, I stayed in the room for 20-30 min and then left him alone to do other stuff in other parts of the house.  That works just fine with me.

But when I am in his room, I ignore him mostly, work on my computer, and let him approach me.  I am happy to say that we made frequent contacts as soon as he finished exploring his environment 🙂 I just offer my hand and he comes and pets himself as he pleases.

I talk to him too, which is weird 🙂 But I can see his tail waving, I hope that means he is okay with that  🙂

We did head-butt a couple of times, which I think is friendly.

I am not sure whether he liked his litter though – he seems to play with it and spread it around (the floor is like a war-zone – I have never seen that much dirt in my house before 🙂 ). I hope to see in the morning that he uses it.

For some reason, he is not eating his treats but seems to have liked the wet food I gave him. That is alright. I plan to feed him with wet food once a day or in two days or something. I am glad I have got something that he liked 🙂

We also play lightly; he likes the feathered fishing pole kind of toy very much. My friend told me not to stimulate him too much and I think for the first few days, we will keep our play times short.

By the way, what is up with catnip guys! I spread a pinch or two around the scratcher and the litter box and the cat has gone crazy! I mean, real crazy :)))

I left him in his room for the night and I am not sure what he is doing or how he will spend his time. But he needs to adjust to this. I hope not to get crazy and check on him every once a while. …

Anyways…. Overall it is good that we are getting along and fear is not a factor between us 🙂

I must thank my friend (which I have already many times) and another friend of my friend. See, my friend’s friend has given a cat taxi for Jamie (and toys and all bunch of other things) and my friend brought them to the shelter. I appreciated this so much 🙂 I was planning to buy a carrier but I was not sure which one to choose. That solved one problem right there. Some people are really nice 🙂

And I feel just lucky today.

Jamie the cat is home

I brought Jamie home 30 min ago – I am writing from the room I got for him.

I was recommended to keep him in a small room for the few days to prevent him from being overwhelmed 🙂

He seems to be adjusting well (I hope); exploring everywhere, eating food, and walking around. I just wished he had used his litter box for some reason.

I am humming a tune and sometimes even speaking to him (or rather to myself 🙂 ) I am mostly ignoring him, typing or browsing the internet. That seems to be working as he is approaching me.

This is, my friends, a historical event in my life. My first cat of my adult life.

I hope that to be a wonderful experience and adventure for both of us 🙂

cat adoption papers in

I have made another visit to the shelter today; to make sure the energy the cat I like (Jamie) and I was still there. well, he was sleeping and when he woke up, he was pretty grumpy. But hey, I got cold feet again, tried to play with him, and I also tried to hold. He was not in the mood and we left it there.

I put the adoption papers in.

Am I looking for trouble or what? I am not sure.

The worst thing that will happen is that I will not be able to put him in the carrier myself and ask for help.

I also asked about a cat boarding facility and they recommended one that I had already talked to. If I can find someone to sit him while I am away, that would be great. If not, the facilities will make it.

I am supposed to pick Jamie up on Friday. I shopped this afternoon to get prepared. Tomorrow, I will set his room with scratch post, food, water, bed, litter box, and toys. He has got lovely toys 🙂

wish me luck! 🙂

random thoughts

It is a beautiful day; neither cold nor too hot/humid – love it 🙂

Before I noticed it, August is passing by and fall is coming. I made a mental note today to enjoy August more; like spending more time outdoors and finishing the minor painting/staining as well as decluttering that I must do around the house. All will be fine.

I worked mostly at home today and I have done really well. I complain to myself that I have so much to do and stress myself; yet eventually everything is going okay. Whatever will happen will happen…. There is life out of work and career.

I bought a second hand rug last week, which I love. It is clean and new, big enough to make me notice how wide my living room is, and the nice gentleman (the previous owner) even delivered it to my home free of charge. I felt very lucky after that.

There was one other rug I had liked and I contacted the owner. In 30 min I had the rug driven to my house, checked by me, and purchased. That was a very fast  🙂 I like the texture and the design of the rug, yet upon closer examination it turned out it has two small dents. It is also quite dusty. I vacuumed it now and am planning to wipe in the coming days to make sure it is clean. So it is not a problem at all. I just do not know what to do with the dents. This is my friends, an example of how you will not always get lucky 🙂 But considering the low cost and the convenience of the purchase, I would say it is well worth it and I am glad I purchased it.

So, I have two choices: either repair or hide the dents of the rug under my coffee table (which is actually a great idea), or place it in the room of Jamie.

Well, who is Jamie?

Jamie is the cat that I have been planning and then hesitating to adopt since last week. There is nothing wrong with the cat; he is beautiful. It is myself that I cannot be sure of. But, hopefully tomorrow I will go and put in the adoption papers. If I do or do not get cold feet again, you will know from my posts tomorrow… Hopefully in the mean time, Jamie will not be adopted.

 

decision day, re: adopting a cat

You know I wanted to adopt a cat and liked two of them last week.

I was ready to adopt the same day the cat I first saw, yet it turned out to have extensive dental problems, which I did not see myself dealing well with. My circumstances are a little bit limiting; I live alone and I make trips for extensive period of time (like 5 weeks family visit I make every year). I could not possibly provide the best (medical) care to this cat, especially while I was away.  It broke my heart very much not to have that cat….

Then I liked another cat and even had one of my friends check him. My friends said that he was a lovely cat with lots of character and that fit my opinion, too. At the weekend though I started to have strong hesitations. Again, what to do with the cat while I am away? How to provide for him?

Also I got somehow confused about the financial aspect of having a cat, understanding their medical needs and sicknesses, and all the diseases I may contract from him.

I worked on these issues quite a bit.

I made calculations (and fellow bloggers helped me to see the expenses more clearly) and I saw that it did not cost too much  to care for a cat.

Also, the diseases could been largely prevented by vaccination and good hygiene at home. After all I was not the first or the only person who would have cats. I am sure whatever the health risks they were, they were manageable.

As per medical needs and sicknesses; I have read many websites and watched many videos. It was tough to learn everything (which I have not, but could over time) but I was feeling like I could learn all of these. The worst thing I could do was to bring the cat to vet every time I was suspicious of something.

So I worked on many of the serious issues I may have with a cat. One thing I could not solve was how to care for the cat while I am away. Long story short, I called two cat boarding facility here this morning. Yes, the both board cats for extensive periods of time. It is kind of pricey, but then it is well worth it.

So…..

Looks like my all problems were solved.

Or, were they?

I have such a cold feet right now and experiencing the biggest hesitation about owning a cat so far; you would not believe. 5 weeks in a boarding facility for a cat is too much. Especially considering the fact that this repeats every single year. I even considered going away for only 3 weeks per year, but then come on; it is my family who I visit and they deserve all the time we can spend together. I do not want to choose between my family and anything else. Even, when it means I will miss a lovely cat in my life.

Taking the cat with me to my family is not a solution either, as the trip is too long, my mom has pet birds at home, I travel to other cities to visit my other family members (which would mean the cat having extra changes and anxieties), and I was not planning to keep the cat in a cage or on leash, either, meaning during the entire time I face a risk of losing the cat.

I really wanted to have one of these cats. I thought they would be excellent companion for me and give me joy, and the love I felt for them was more than anything I can imagine, except the love I feel for my family.

Some choices are hard and this one was too. Overall I am not happy with this decision, but I guess it is the right decision for me.

I hope I will not change my mind again. I kind of got tired of thinking and trying to find solutions to my issues…

joy journal – August 14, 2016

I have lots to be grateful for 🙂

1. I am grateful for the funny movie I have watched yesterday night. I was up till 1.30 am and as a result woke up a little bit tired this morning. However, this movie made me laugh a lot and sometimes very aloud! What a rare treat 🙂

2. I am grateful for the coffee and bagel I have had this morning. My mind was full of thoughts so I did not even remember going to the cafe or eating the bagel, but hey, at least I provided breakfast for myself (I usually do not eat breakfast) 🙂

3. I am grateful for walking to a store 15 minutes away. They did refund me for the passport photo they took, which turned out to be too light in colour and as such, unacceptable for the passport office. No questions were asked. I had no receipt (only their stamp and date at the back of one of the photos) and a form from the passport office stating the reason for not accepting the photo. I was prepared to make a complaint, yet rather I was welcome with a rapid refund. How great is that? 🙂

4. I am grateful for speaking with my family and knowing that they are well and sound.

5. I am grateful for baking my best bread so far 🙂 I have eaten more than half of one of the loafs (it was a small loaf, so no need to get alarmed 🙂 )

6. I am grateful for my sourdough starter that excites me. Today is the 6th day and I must say I was getting tired of taking its picture; analyzing its rise, smell, and texture, and taking notes; and feeding it everyday. It is great that as of this evening, it is placed in the fridge and will be handled only once a week to feed or to use in a sourdough loaf 🙂

7. I am grateful for today not being too hot.

8. I am grateful for eating veggies today.

9. I am grateful for having the night to myself. it is peaceful and just the right temperature. I can read or write whatever I want. It is also a great time for reflection. I have always been a night-owl 🙂

10. I am grateful for my pens and my papers/notebooks that allow me to write, list, or plan things. Very exciting activity 🙂

11. I am grateful for computer and internet connection that make learning, reading, and blogging easy and possible.

12. I am grateful for my floss! I love my floss ( a tri-liner). Am I the only person who loves their floss?? 🙂

13. I am grateful for everything I have at home; my furniture, my appliances, my kitchen items, my shoes and clothes, my books and notebooks, pens and pencils, plants and food. They make my life easy, and me safe, full, warm, and content.

14. I am grateful for being grateful and taking my time to note it here.

15. I am grateful for everyone here who commented on my posts lately, re; adopting a cat. You guys took time to read and respond and gave me many useful ideas. I felt supported and cared, and you may know well that this is a very good feeling, especially when it is needed. So, my friends; may your lives fill with happiness and peace and may your hearts find whatever good things/people/experiences you are longing for.

Thank you all.

what is the cost of cat ownership? Canadian cat-owners; advise please

Hello friends

As a first-time-cat-owner-to-be, I am trying to estimate the cost of cat ownership.

I need opinions from especially my fellow Canadians (other bloggers are also welcome; it is just that things are expensive in Canada when compared to USA).

Can you please give me an idea about regular costs of a cat, including:

  • food
  • litter/hygiene
  • toys and other needs
  • medications (for deworming, flea-treatment etc.)
  • insurance (mine to be is an adult male cat, neutered)
  • have I forget anything in this list? please fill in.

 

Thanks alot! 🙂

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

what was love for me?

I have no answer to that.

The fact that I have decided not to adopt the cat that I have loved, touched, hugged, and admired (seriously did) only because of its dental problems that showed up at a young age (suggesting a serious problem that will need me to handle in future too, emotionally and financially), I must actually question this very hard.

After all, I too show a behavior of preferring those who are healthy, or have been healthy, over those who have not been, to love, to care for, and to make a part of my life. I know many people who would be hesitant/reject the idea of marrying others who have family history of heart problems or cancer, for example. How is that sensible? Is this not ridiculous?

Has this not been a behavior that disgusted me much in the past? Did I not say that that was discrimination and equally offensive, insensitivity and short-sightedness towards those who have gone thru much already? After all, every living being deserves to be loved, regardless of their conditions.

Who says that we all are healthy and, most importantly, will remain healthy?

Who says we will not make extra effort, emotionally and financially, for others we love in our lives?

Who says that I will not be that person who will be sick or require extra care and effort?

Where is my consciousness? Where is my mind? Where are my values now?

What makes me think that a healthier cat today will not get seriously sick next day and give me the same trouble I would have with the cat I liked but denied to adopt today?

probabilities. reality. emotions. thoughts. calculations……

All internal conflict – that is what I am going thru tonite.

Conflict over my decision.

Conflict about love.

Conflict over myself.

Tonite is a hard night indeed. I admit I cried for that cat and seriously is hating myself time to time.

I gotta be realistic.

I gotta bury my emotions, right?

Right.

But since I am questioning a much bigger concept, love, this does not seem to be possible.

Love, after all, is an emotion. And a very important one.

How can we deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or we think they will give us more trouble over time?

How can I do that myself ????

How can I deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or I think they will give me more trouble over time ????

……

I really do not like myself right now.

 

what was love?

One of my friends told me about an old movie about a young and beautiful lady with a little kid running away from something/someone and eventually finding sanctuary at the house of an older guy, who would protect and got to love both of them over time.

They were not wife and husband, though, as the lady was still in love with the father of the kid; the father who has not cared about them, the mother and the child, and the father whom they were running away from (or the negative conditions that were created because of the lack of the care by the father, like providing for them, protecting and making them safe, etc.). They just stayed at his house and under their care without any problem/annoyance created by the older guy.

Then the father shows up many years later and things get tangled. She still loves him in a way. First thing that she wants to do is to reunite with the father as he is the love of her life, yet then there was this other guys who protected and provided shelter, food, and safety to the kid and the mother without expecting anything in return. Plus, he got to love her as a woman and the kid like his own.

She was confused: What should she do?

Her heart pulled her to the father and then to the other guy, and then to the father, and then to the other guy.

And eventually, she chose the other guy.

She asked herself before making her decision:

“What was love?”

 

“Love was the demonstrated goodness/kindness/camaraderie.

Love was effort.”

………………

I keep thinking about love in multiple dimensions today because of my decision to not adopt the wonderful cat I fell in love with, which seems to have serious dental problems even though he is only around 2 years…

What was love for me?

What was love?

my animal shelter experience today

You know I have been considering having a cat as a companion for sometime, which was further motivated by the pest problem I have had in my house in the last few months.

Well; yesterday I ranted a little bit about the cat and I liked at a shelter and my cat-friendly friend who would refuse to go there to give me a hand with her cat-wisdom. I was frustrated and a little bit angry yesterday, but today things turned out to be better.

Let me explain:

Today, my friend took me to another shelter first. It was a nice one with lots of cats, who were not solely cage-contained (they had other contained places to go, including fenced areas outside). How nice.

I have liked one grumpy cat called George, who did not like other cats and preferred to be in his cage only. Okay…. George was a lovely young male cat and it would be awesome to have him around and watch/observe. Yet, my feeling is that his grumpiness could give me some stress, especially when I need to do things that he would not like (like trimming his nails, or putting him in a transporter). So, while he was an awesome and likable one, I a few hours back decided not to get it.

I saw another female cat, white and with odd-eyes. She may be deaf in one ear, not necessarily a great looking cat, but very easy going. I feel affection for her, especially for being deaf in one ear. Her eyes reminds me about “being different” yet still being beautiful and valuable. I am inclined to get her for now. Hopefully thursday. I hope she is a mouser 🙂

When I said to my friend that I also would like to see the cat I liked in the other shelter, she said no first, but then decided to come with me… That was incredible on her side, as she has very strong and negative feelings about that shelter. Anyways; we have been there, the shelter did not take her dog inside the shelter so she had to wait outside, and I checked the cats. They were all contained in cages and they have had no free space to explore, walk, run, or play. This, my friends, is cruel if you ask me and the main reason why my friend did not have a positive feeling about the shelter. I understood her better today and she has every single right to dislike the management of that shelter.

Anyways; I found the cat I liked (i had chosen him thru the website/photos). A very cute and young male cat. very easy going as well – i held him in my arms! I was not scared and he was not scared or aggressive. I asked about him and they told me that he lost a few teeth but was fine now. I went out and asked my friend to check the cat; she came back and said he was lovely. We made plans to adopt him tonite.

Then while driving back, we talked about the teeth and my friend and I got a little bit skeptical about it. For a young cat like him, losing ” a few teeth” would not be considered normal… It would mean he was sick, old, or plain unlucky. I emailed the shelter and it turned out to be a likely permanent gum/neck problem that would require further tooth loss in the future…

My heart bleeds my friends that I will not have him. Considering how much I liked this cat and he may have health problems that require immediate attention, I cannot possibly leave him behind while I am away for extended periods of time (which I do at least twice a year). Since I must make these trips, that means that he should not be under my care.

Would someone love him as much as I do and care for him as he needs? I do not know…. See, I am still hesitant and emotionally would love to get that cat, but logically it is better I do not.

My first cat-love has now ended with a broken heart, I must say.

It is like the first love in life that cannot be  replaced by another. I guarantee you that….

I am determined to love the next cat, though. All living beings deserve love.

animal love and the grief of loss

I am getting cold feet re; adopting a cat.

Two reasons:

1) I was really mentally ready to get a cat today, yet my cat-friendly friend had other urgent matters to attend, so we could not make it to the shelter. Since it did not get the cat today, I am kind of getting frustrated and less motivated to check the cats in the future.

Plus, it turned out my cat-friendly friend has personal problems with the shelter I chose a cat from (thru their website) and she is directing me to another shelter and suggesting to pick one from there… She says we can go there tomorrow.

I am not dependent on my friend, of course. Only that she would be great help pointing out desirable or undesirable things in a cat (she has had cats for a long time). That is one great advantage of having my friend with me while picking the cat.

But, I also do not like my preferences not being considered – I liked a cat (however virtually) and I feel like I should be able to get it if I continue to like it when I meet face-to-face. Down side? I will not have anyone helping me with their cat-wisdom because my friend will not come with me to that shelter.

I now need to decide whether to go after the cat I liked (which means I will not have my friend with me to get ideas), or to go to another shelter with my friend tomorrow and pick a different cat?

Have I mentioned I do not like the uncertainties and would like to make the decision and take the steps immediately? Or, should I completely forget the idea or park it for a while?

Some people say I am not patient. I say, I would like to do and complete things that I put my mind into.

So, this new-decision making ordeal is annoying me. It is like it dangles over my head.. Very annoying indeed.

 

2) My mom just told me with sadness that she has lost two of her birdies, whom I loved dearly too. They were the joy of the household, we loved their chirping and characters, and we have had a strong bond with them. Especially my mom, who tended to their daily needs.

I got very upset and cannot imagine how my mom is feeling about this….

I thought, after having all the grief over these birdies, that perhaps this is the sign that I should not get an animal, another living being, in my care as I also have a chance to lose the cat while in my care – I have to open the doors, both the front and the back doors daily. What happens if the cat just run away to the street where there are cars and other dangers, or to the backyard, which has high fences, but come on, this is a cat who will climb, get lost, or get into fights with the dogs/cats of my neighbours?

Worse yet, what if the cat gets injured, sick, or dead while s/he is with me?

…………..

I guess I will have some break from the cat story for a while.

I hope I will not have another mouse-annoyance in the meanwhile.

in preparation for the cat

Today, I shopped for the cat that hopefully I will be getting soon.

I must admit at the beginning I was hesitant: I first started picking litter and dry food and then got overwhelmed.

What if I buy the stuff and then not get the cat?

I took a moment, left everything on my cart, and left the store to collect myself. Treated myself with a coffee outside on the curb. It was lightly raining but I really needed that moment.

After all, this cat is my first long-term commitment.

Was I sure that I wanted to get and care for a cat?

Am I ready, financially and emotionally, to have a living being in my life, who is dependent on my care?

Is my home ready? Will my floors be scratched and will I find vomit and urine here and  there? Will these damage the floor (laminate) so that I will need to change my flooring every year?

Will the cat burn itself on the range?

Will it suffocate itself on the blind or while playing with the shopping bags? Do I have items around, small or sharp items, that the cat will swallow and hurt/suffocate himself with?

Will the cat eat my plants and will they poison it?

Was one of my tall, thin bookcases wobbly? Will it fall on the cat while he is trying to jump on it?

Will I lose my cat, even though I have no plans to let it go outdoors, at least for now?

Will there be a good vet somewhere closeby?

How will I trim his nails?

Will he like the food and the litter I choose for him? The scratch post? The transporter? The bed material? The toys?

Will we get along? Will he like me? How are we going to interact with each other?

Will he wake me up with a smile on my face? Like every morning?

I do not have answers to the majority of these questions. All I knew was that I wanted to get a cat, more than the need for a mouser, for the need of having something nice around.

I hope he will be a lovely cat 🙂

I might be getting a cat, friends

I might be getting a cat, finally.

yesterday night at 2 am I woke up by the sounds coming from the en suite and detected mouse droppings on the floor. Yes, I have had mouse problem in the last 3 months but we have thought it was well controlled after a pest control company put traps and baits around the first floor of the house. We even got one in a trap 10 days ago. I was hopeful that that was it. But, no mice seem to be staying.

I slept on the couch on the first floor and put two traps and many sticky pads over the bathroom floor. There is nothing for now, but you can imagine my disgust and annoyance with this. For one, I paid over $300 to the pest company to help sort this problem. Well, it has not happened. yes, the mice showed up sporadically and maybe once a week I would see an activity, yet come on! – obviously either there is an entrance to the house or the baits are not working.

I called a friend of mine to “borrow” her cat to have its scent in the house – I heard that that would defer the mice. My friend said that this is only a wishful thinking and the best way is to have a hunter cat, a young and playful cat, in the house. My friend has convinced me finally that it is the sign that I should be getting the cat that I have been wanting to in the last one year or so. We hope to find one from a shelter this week.

I will love this cat; be friends with it; be its protector and carer; and we will be happy together 🙂

And, no mice please!

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