Random thoughts

What a beautiful morning.

I took my time to get up, at the expense of feeding Mona, my foster cat, an hour later than usual. She only eats wet food and that means it needs to be replaced or removed after 2 hours or so during the day. Naturally in the mornings, she is hungry. Yes, my consciousness is not clear and I have had a huge debate in my mind about this, but eventually let the guilt go. Every once a while, I simply cannot get up as early as usual.

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I took yesterday off and made it a long weekend, which feels great. It gives me freedom and time to recuperate. We have had a hard year and very intense work schedule since my last break (Holidays in December). There were many times I was simply exhausted yet continued to complete work. Now is a great time to simply rest and enjoy the gorgeous summer we have.

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Where I am in Canada, often we have cool summers and a little bit rain. But this year has been exceptional, like last summer, with lots of sunshine and a little bit higher than normal temperatures (and yes climate change is a real thing). The blue, clear sky lifts the mood immediately, and the nature around my neighbourhood and yard makes it even more beautiful and appreciable. If you have a good summer and opportunity to enjoy it a little bit more, please do so.

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I am at an age where I know that today may as well be the best day of my future life. I know that I am alive and my family is well, for now. But there is no guarantee, right? Things change like this – bam. We have had a global pandemic just like this; economy is shitty and many lost their jobs; there is social and political unrest here and there; and yes, the climate change is already showing its disastrous effects and unless we take radical moves to stop and reverse it (is it even possible to reverse it?), we are looking at a huge disaster. even the Hollywood movies and their heroes cannot save us, believe me.

I am reading about Indigenous worldviews (what wonderful views, by the way – if you are interested in please check it out) and how west and Indigenous nations (at least in Canada) are approaching to all living and non-living things in our environment. They got it right – human is NOT on top of the hierarchy to exploit and harm its environment for its own benefits. Rather, human is a part of this ecosystem with a role to honour, respect, and protect it.

We have done so much harm – to nature, to animals, soil, sea…

Without a healthy environment and ecosystem, there is no human.

And, we all have played and are still are playing, a huge role in this.

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Simple fact.

Let’s take a moment to re-align our views.

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Sunday morning musings

Happy Sunday, everyone – I hope you all are safe, well, and having a joyful day.

My coffee mug next to me, ABBA songs on the background, my sourdough loaf in the oven, and my foster cat Mona on the floor, I am all good 🙂

Life has been good, though I know I can attribute it to both Mona and the antidepressant. In any case, I will take this feeling and cherish it.

I cannot believe I have been feeling like shit for almost half a decade…. Such a long misery to endure, especially when we have medication or pets to help overcome it. I am glad that finally life was too much, or I was too tired to try ways to feel good, think positive, and so on. Sometimes, the remedy is what you refrained from. Irony.. Nevertheless, I am proud of myself for trying relentlessly to feel good for a long time, and then eventually quitting this endeavor and try medication (of note, I also tried therapy – it was great but not affordable..).

I feel like I must say more about my experience with the anti-depressants for folks who may be looking for perspectives of patients.

I was depressed and experience anxiety quite frequently. Thoughts would run around my mind, and lately my sleep was affected and I was sleeping maybe 4 hours a day. I was extremely functional, however, working, doing things, and doing well. Of course, with depression and anxiety comes self-questioning and loss of sell-esteem, in addition to the attempts to feel better. These attempts included a variety of coping mechanisms, from junk food consumption to reading self-help books.

It was simply a continuous struggle. But I have never lost the interest to feel good, My only mistake was that I thought I could handle it. Over time, finally, it became apparent that whatever coping mechanisms I was applying – while they worked in the short term – were not permanent solutions.

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There is only that much one can endure. Eventually, this fall, I decided to talk to my family doctor. Surprisingly, they were VERY supportive and prescribed me cipralex. The first dose did not make much difference, but I was thinking all the time that there was hope that this feeling of being and feeling like shit would eventually come to end. It was therapeutic in a way. I was feeling great about finally asking for help.

Here, I must also mention that this was not the first time I asked for help. A decade ago, I asked my then different family doctor for antidepressants, and they were like – try a vacation. Oh, goodness. I did that and back to square 1, of course.

Then, when it became so much, especially the anxiety, I tried counselling. Found a great therapist. The only think is that my current health insurance plan covers like maybe 3 sessions a year. So, where do we go from here??

So, in a way I am grateful for my current family doctor. They said “life is too short to suffer”… Imagine how I felt when I heard these words from them… What a great physician, for whom I will be always grateful. I am now on an increased dosage, which works phenomenally. I experienced no side effects, and sleep and feel much better. I can handle stress better and I find myself enjoying life better.

My doctor is about to reduce the dose and then stop it. I was scared of this at first, but when I accidentally forgot taking the pill for a couple of days and feeling no side effects, I have some sort of naive hope that I will manage the withdrawal symptoms, if ever. But this part of the story will have to come later, when I reduce and stop the medication.

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Please go ahead and volunteer at or donate to an animal shelter. Adopt or foster. Animals are simply fantastic and we owe them a lot. More than we can think of…

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Happy Sunday

Folks, I hope you all are having a great Sunday.

We have an incredibly sunny and warm day that makes me feel so grateful. I may not realize deep down, but summer is here and it is time to enjoy it (I am advising to myself right now 🙂 ..).

Last year, 2020, was interesting in so many ways. Being at home due to lock-down, I was able to walk every day, sometimes multiple times, feel the breeze on my face, enjoy the scenery, sweat and feel all good. This year, I have not done this much and I think that is a mistake. With walking and fresh air comes the serenity, dopamine, and feel good thoughts.

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These being said, in rare occasions that I found myself walking out, I noticed a lot more dandelions than before. They are everywhere and I think this year we are not so much into getting rid of this beautiful plant. I know, I know.. It is too invasive and if you let it grow and pollinate, we get more. But I kinda think that leaving a good portion of dandelions in the yards just makes them look great.

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I am enjoying my morning coffee. What would we do without this little treat that is mostly affordable and available?

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My foster cat Mona is well and we are doing just fine. My beautiful girl. I am still okay with cleaning her litter box and occasional drops on the floor without dislike, disgust, or annoyance. Somebody here said that she was sent to me to learn about love. I kinda think now that this is true. Is this how parents feel towards their kids? Unconditional love and care?

Of course, I cannot one-to-one compare parenthood to being a foster carer of pets, but honestly this is the closest I can get. If I can do this, anybody can do it too. Friends, please foster a pet in need or donate/volunteer at an animal shelter. They need our support, and most importantly, we owe their comfort, safety, and wellness to them. We shamelessly occupied their environment and manipulate them and their living conditions based on our needs or wants. Time to fix things a little bit. Please support animals and shelters/rescue organizations. THANK YOU 🙂

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I have no plans and pressing work timelines today, so I am looking at a day that I can do whatever I want to and enjoy. Perhaps a walk, light cleaning, cooking a nice meal, and reading a book. Aaaaah.. How long has it been that I actually sit down and read a book? Maybe a year or so. Time to fix that too 🙂

Enjoy your day. I wish you all a great day and week ahead.

Happy Sunday

Happy Sunday everyone – wherever and whoever you are.

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We have a somewhat foggy day but that is okay. Summer is here and sometimes we can get tan 🙂 Not today, but that is fine.

I am enjoying my weekend. Last few weeks were too busy and stressful with deadlines, but the end of the tunnel is showing. So, on Friday evening I felt the right to simply enjoy my weekend. That means I will do whatever I want to do and I will not think about work. This works wonderfully.

You may ask what I am doing this weekend, then?

Well, first of all, some sort of more intense than usual cleaning ensured. I love my home when it is well ordered and clean 🙂 So, it works so well for my mood.

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Second of all, I just sit, browse the internet, and get bored of not doing anything particular 🙂 yes, indeed. This boredom is important because it makes me want to work, so I am certainly looking for a highly productive week 🙂

It is interesting that at my age (around mid century), I am still figuring out the best way to work. There is no limit to when and what we can learn, I guess. Also, sometimes we learn when we really need it – yes, I can be stubborn and may not learn what life offers me as a learning opportunity. Also, things change and adaptation requires noticing and fixing things. These are my justification for today 🙂

Do you also feel that as you age, you get better? There is so much to do and offer to others and work? Past generations would retire and perhaps die at around my age. What a waste of human potential. I am so full of energy and motivation to do more. I hope I will have the opportunity to live and make my contributions.

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I am saying this because I also see many people at my age or 5-10 years older passing away…. This is a real reminder that I cannot take any day guaranteed anymore. When my father had passed away 5 years ago, I had felt that reality for the first time. That one day I would pass away too and cannot enjoy my coffee (I was depressed at that time and coffee was something that has always given me some sort of pleasure). It was painful. I wanted to live and enjoy every minute. I just did not know how to do this.

I am still not good at that, but my anti-depressant work and gives me relief, at least. My foster cat Mona is pure love and makes me feel happy and loving. My latest promotion made me feel good and more motivated to do accomplish more. I have my first covid-19 shot and looking forward to getting the 2nd one soon. My family is safe from the pandemic so far and are vaccinated, too.

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That is pretty much it. Still many things are missing to reach a really joyful life where I enjoy it more (like music, art), but this is a progress. Right?

Right.

Today I am grateful for progressing in feeling better and having more positive experiences relative to my recent past, and for realizing that I can integrate more in my life to even enjoy it more.

random thoughts

Have not been blogging lately – time to pour my mind into this page 🙂

First of all, what a beautiful weather we have been having this year! It is still chilly but the days have been bright and sky has been blue. My heating temp is low now and I have been opening the windows since late March. Trees in my yard are getting full and blooming. What else do I wish? 🙂

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Work is going crazy and I am so behind of so many tasks that I am stressed again. But the great news is that I got promoted (yes, I have!) and it is the highest position for my profession!! It has not happened over night – for decades I have studied and worked my ass off, moving from one country to other to develop myself further, and today here I am! I am proud. So is my family. I am so happy that I was able to give this news to my family. Should my dad be alive, he would be absolutely delighted.

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While I dreamed of this promotion for so long and worked so much for it, I still do not feel extremely awesome 🙂 It is interesting. I think it is important but not the most important thing for me. Yes, I have the satisfaction of reaching this point and making my family proud. But I have not changed as a person and as a professional. I keep thinking that I have tremendous experience and I cannot wait to do my biggest work yet. So, my future goals are vivid and I am striving to achieve them. I think for people like me, the journey itself is the most exciting part.

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My foster cat Mona is doing well. We took care of her main health issue, but ended up with a new one. Now we are trying to fix that and I think we will do this easily as well. She is such a strong girl. Not sure why we end up with one minor issue after the other. I want her to be well. I know that once she is free of health issues, she will be up for adoption, which breaks my heart. But I would rather have her healthy than having issues. My beautiful girl. She has never lost her energy or enthusiasm to play with me hide-and-seek, or given me a huge anxiety. Always ready for a head scratch and affection. I love her so much.

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Today has been filled with working, cleaning the home and doing laundry in between, shopping, and cooking. I cannot believe I have done all of these all within a day. Sometimes stress can be helpful I guess. For example, in a few hours I prepared a speech to be delivered next week. Generally, I would have the speech ready a few week before the date so that I could feel confident. This time, I needed to leave it to last week. Stressful? yes. Has stress helped to get it done in a short time? Yes. Go figure 🙂

Anyways folks, life is continuing and it is good right now. I have booked for my vaccination and I cannot wait. Tonite, I am relaxing with watching movies. Tomorrow is another day. We shall see what it will bring. I hope it will be a wonderful day for all of us globally.

random thoughts

Time flies. We are at mid-April. For many, it means Spring. Happy Spring everyone.

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We have a foggy day and I cannot help but admire the scenery. It is so mystical. I am sure many writers and novelists have been inspired by such scenery.

Anyways – life has been going well, thanks to my antidepressant and my foster cat Mona.

Mona is well and going through some medications. Hopefully these are the latest in the round and she will be just fine to be put for adoption. I say hopefully for her being well and healthy, and finding her forever home, but not for being separated from her. It has almost been 6 months and every day I get more bonded to her. It will be difficult, but we will do it. Then, another kitty in need will come… I will love that kitty, too.

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I have had otherwise quite a stressful time in the last one year, and honestly I think that without my antidepressants that I started taking 6 months ago, it would break me. I am so grateful for this medication. I can take events and people easier; I can enjoy and feel much better; and more importantly I fear and worry less. Unbelievable. Why did I torture myself all these years, denying myself the medication option?

One reason was that I thought I would lose control, get lethargic, or just do not care about anything anymore. How silly are these. These do not happen. At least, not in my experience (my medication fits me; no side effects and effective in managing my depression/anxiety).

My doctor was happy to hear how well I was feeling. He said that he will likely drop the dose in a couple of months and then stop all together. I knew that one day I would go off this medication, but honestly I was not expecting it to be soon. While there are many horror stories out there about weaning off anti-depressants and increased side effects, I want to be courageous, but honestly I am scared!! I am scared of getting brain zaps or other effects of stopping medications, or feeling like shit again….. Logically, the brain zaps may or may not happen, and are temporary. Second, nothing prevents me from taking the medication again. So I must keep brave 🙂

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For the second time during the pandemic, I went to thrift stores yesterday 🙂 I was so craving for an excitement, something away from my routine life. I bought really lovely and useful things and I could not be happier. for a total of 28 bucks, I bought a kitchen knife, a sturdy belt, a pair of pants, a new pairs of sports pants, new socks, and a large pillow for Mona. All worth the bucks I spent 🙂

Anyways, these are the main things in my life nowadays. Wherever you are I hope you and your family are keeping safe and you have access to vaccinations. I am not eligible for vaccination yet, but cannot wait to get it. If you are in Ontario, my sympathies. The situation got so bad there that I cannot help but get angry at administrators. They failed the people. Please stay safe. You are in my thoughts.

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Start of a new month

Tomorrow is March 1st.

I am glad that the harshest months of winter – January and February – are behind us. Yet, I feel like time flies and I have some sort of grief coming with this.

Nevertheless, I think we must celebrate reaching to the middle of winter. Spring is always joyful, and makes us feel much better. Nature awakens; yards, tress, and birds become alive and joyful. Having a window open and getting fresh air in are certainly priceless and delightful.

This weekend was fine. I worked in the morning and am ready for the week. I must say the weekdays continue to stress me and weekends continue to relax me. They say so much about the life-work balance. I wonder if this balance is ever achievable?

What is that balance, anyhow?

I was reading an essay about it the other day, and the author claims that there is no such thing as a balance, as there is no true border between work and life. Also, the term itself implies that either our work or life – or both – are miserable and unbearable.

Truth.

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In my profession, having this balance is almost impossible. We work anytime and any day, as we always chase for new things and have serious obligations. The expectations increase day by day, especially happened during the COVID-19 pandemic for some unsensible reasons – as we have a highly competitive job. So either we will perform normally and risk being called and feeling unsuccessful and a failure (duh! even with a little bit of or work, we do amazing and incredible things), or hurt ourselves with countless of hours of work, stress, thinking, writing, reading, discussing, training, and presenting. All to feel competent and successful. Whoever has implemented this self-inflicted, unhealthy, and counter-intuitive system must be very proud of themselves. There seems to be no way out of it, unless the vast majority think the same way and stop slowing.

Slowing down is a term I have been associating with the pandemic. I heard it from many of my friends and colleagues, and it kind of makes sense. I believe that I could be not only healthier, but also more creative if we could slow down a little bit.

On the positive side, I feel like I have slowed down somehow and tipped to scale towards the life part of the work-life balance, especially now that I have a lovely foster cat with me. Spending time with Mona, even feeding her or cleaning her litter box are giving me much needed mental brake. I am determined to continue with fostering even when she is adopted. My beautiful girl. May she always have the best, kindest, and most compassionate people around her, the best meals and cleanest litter box, and the best vets.

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random thoughts

A cold day here. I can notice it in the living room. Gotta increase the temp a little bit for Mona, my foster cat. She is sleeping comfortably, yet, who knows what they feel? Cats, I heard, are notoriously private animals. You will not know the challenges they have, especially health-related, until late. Cannot risk this. I love her.

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I have had a productive work day, with only one meeting in the afternoon. I cannot say how beautiful and stress free and productive days without meetings are. How did we end up with this meeting madness? There are only a few meetings that are really worth our times. There must be some regulations against unnecessary meetings. I should start with the meetings I organize myself. Are they really necessary? Some of them are not. There is a saying that I had heard once from a colleague – use the needle on you, but the blunt nail on others. If I can not do the right thing, can I expect it from others? If I complain about others’ behavior while I do the same thing? So, I am off to reduce our meeting frequency now.

The week gets longer and longer, but I am excited about the weekend. I hope not to work too hard during the weekend. The pandemic gets on my nerves and I feel the urgent need to celebrate somethings to feel better. Tomorrow I hope to cook something fancy and maybe serve them on fancy plates and with candle light, like my good virtual friend declutteringthestuff does! What an inspiration. Thank you my friend. I certainly am looking forward to my dinner tomorrow!

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I think I had mentioned that we were getting increasing numbers of COVID-19 cases lately. This makes me anxious and also extra careful. Now I use double mask and limit my visits to stores. Shopping, turns out to be, a quality time for me. Last week I noticed it once again (initially I had decided not to go for shopping…). The pleasure coming out of it is noticeable. But I must limit this seemingly safe practice during the pandemic. It hurts, to tell the truth. But it needs to be done.

Mona has a vet appointment in the coming days and I hope that she is okay. I know that when she gets the clear health, she will be up for adoption… The bond I formed with this magical creature and the joy I got with having her in my life have been, just, beautiful… I will miss her… I will cry… I will curse to life that prevents me from adopting her, but I hope to move on when she gets adopted. I hope she will choose good people and be always comfortable, healthy, happy, loved, and well cared.

Then, another kitty needing shelter and love will come 🙂

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On the positive side, NASA had yet another explorer on Mars. How fantastic is this?? Amazing… I am so excited.

Humanity is able to do a lot of things.

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having a foster cat – VI

Cats certainly train you.

Scratching the head: They signal when they want a head scratch. They certainly make it clear when it is too much or not done appropriately 🙂

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Attention: They let you know when they want attention. They just sit there with their paws next to each other and look at your eyes. Or, they will walk around your legs, touch your hands, or head-butt. You cannot miss these signs.

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Food: They will let you know which food they like and which they do not. There is nothing to miss here. Mona just sniffs once and decides whether it is good for her royal stomach. The way that they turn their head and start walking the other way makes me feel like a failure, but that is okay 🙂 Sometimes, she is simply not hungry, although she likes her food. I believe these are the times she does that covering act with her paws. I know that she will come back and enjoy her food later. No need to dump the food yet 🙂

Mona is on wet food. I found that there is no one type of food she likes or dislikes for ever. Sometimes she likes shred meal, but mostly patee is her favorite. If your cats does not like a type of food, do not give away the food. I did that at the beginning, now I learnt after a while that she is ready to eat again most food she once rejected.

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Litter and litter box: I have had no litter problem with Mona, so I cannot comment on what they like or not, or why litter box problems occur. I clean the litter 3-4 times a day and dump the entire litter every 2 weeks. I take that she is happy with our litter situation. Whether you would use a closed or open litter box is mostly dependent on you. At first I considered it to contain the smell, but then ruled it out. I prefer to replace the litter box and closed boxes are quite pricey. And there is no way that I am washing those litter boxes.

These being said, I found that the level of litter is somehow important. Initially, I think the litter was shallow. Mona, although she intended to, could not cover her excretions. Sight of a pooh is not pleasant, but after a while I get used to it. Just recently I started to fill the box a little bit higher. This cause litter scattered around the box, but at least Mona seems happier as now she can cover her poops. I also noticed that the bottom of the box stays cleaner longer, and so does the scoop. So I after 3 months appear to have improved our litter situation quite a bit.

Does your cat use the litter box when you are around? A couple of times Mona decided to use the litter box while I was washing my hand in her bathroom. I found it strange – aren’t they supposed to be private animals? Not in our case, it seems.

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Water: Mona is not a fan of water. I think I have seen her drink from the bowl once or twice in the last 3 months. One of my friends suggested adding water to her wet food, which has been working out well, She does not like it if it turns into a soup, but you can try if your cat’s water intake does not seem adequate.

Catnip: We use catnip in toys and sometimes just to let her relax a little bit. Seeing Mona enjoying her time is really fun. Stress gets to the best of them as well, I think every living thing deserves a break.

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Cat grass: Cat grass is something she enjoys as well. Mona is a short hair girl, I regularly groom her, and she never vomited a hairball (I heard that it is not for the faint heart to watch a cat vomit a hairball).. So I try to grow cat grass using kits. She likes eating them. In moderation. I was fascinated to learn that cat grass was not a specific type of plant, but rather the sprouts of oats, barley, wheat, and so on. Easy to sprout and grow at home, especially if using a cat grass kit (all required things come in them, including the soil, seeds, containers, and directions).

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Exercise and play time: Somedays are better for exercise, and some other days are not. I try at least twice to work her body a little bit. Since she is currently over-weight, that seems to be especially important. She likes laser pointer but I need to be careful with it – you may also know that laser if applied directly to eyes can hurt the retina. Please watch it out, for yourself, for your cat, and everyone else around you. I just bought new toys yesterday, so hidden the other toys. I hope that she will get interested in them again once her excitement around the new ones passes.

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It may be true that most cats like boxes, except Mona 🙂 But she enjoys her closed bed (a make-shift carrier turned into a private bed) on top of a chair.

Scratch post and cat towers: A scratch post is essential, but Mona rather uses it as something to sleep on. Her favorite is my stairs’ carpet. I heard that this is common for cats. I have no problem. She sheds tinny nail clips 🙂 She also has a cat tower, but Mona has never been a fan of it – interesting fact. Not all cats like the heights, it seems.

Groomer: I accidentally bought a groomer from a dollar store, and she loved it! We use it abundantly, as Mona asks for it by lying in front of me and rolling on the floor. It massages her and collects the shed hair. Win-win 🙂

Conversations: Mona loves it when I speak to her. She listens to me and I feel like the tone and volume of the words attracts her attention. It is a great bonding activity and a lot of fun for me 🙂

Purring: The best way one cat can indicate their pleasure is those magnetic purrs. Mona is a great purrer 🙂

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Cat behavior fascinates me!!

Happy fostering 🙂

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having a foster cat – IV

The fact that I started taking antidepressants right around the same time as I started fostering Mona makes me question whether I feel better compared to before because of the medication or Mona?

I have no answer to that…..

I am continuing the medication because I am feeling better and it seems to make me take things lighter and have more time for myself. I can handle emotions easier and get stressed less.

Today I am convinced that she is an enormous support to my emotional health. She has been my support pet for the day and possibly many other days.

I am very grateful for Mona and the shelter organization that allows me to foster her.

May she always be safe, loved, cared for, free of accidents and fear, and have the cleanest litter box and finest meals.

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Mona has minor health issues, like constipation or some other small stuff. We are following vet’s recommendations but time to time she gets it again and it worries me. The fact that I love her so much means that her wellness related matters are painful for me. I am scared that I do not understand if she has a serious issue and cannot take the appropriate steps (like contacting the organization for a vet visit), or they will quit on her.

How painful are these thoughts?

Love is meant to be joyful. But pain is also a part of it. I find serenity in making sure that I follow all recommendations and report all issues, even if they seem small. They are experienced and can decide whether it is a serious issue or not. I also find serenity in praying and asking for protection, support, and love for her and improved understanding for myself to help Mona.

I sometimes feel guilty because I am a hard-working professional and especially during the day I cannot pay the attention Mona deserves or asks for. But evenings are ours and so are the nights. We spent quite some time, play, and interact. I love her when she listens to me and falls into sleep. I love her when she wakes me up in the morning when she gets hungry by walking on my pillow.

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Just today, I seriously considered adopting her. Emotions are high 🙂 The hard reality is that I am capable of doing this, but I have to choose between her and my family – the only reason that I am fostering is that when I start traveling for extended period of times, I cannot take her with me. What will happen to her? Where will I leave her to? Fostering helps with this.

These being said, sometimes I think that life is too short to think about such things and we really do not know what the future will bring. Just today Canada announced that they plan to quarantine all Canadians returning from out of country. The moment I thought things were getting better (with the vaccines being administered now), now we have more restrictions for travel. I feel strained because I was hoping to visit my family next year. But who knows what will happen then?

Sometimes, there is no perfect solution that we can come up. Sometimes, life turns in unexpected ways. I will leave it to life to decide…

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having a foster cat – III

My sister just joked that “once Mona finds a forever home and leaves you, you may fill your home with new cats, but none will be like her. So be ready“.

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There is truth to this.

I am emotionally attached to Mona and I believe she and I have a great bond. She trusts me and I trust her in turn. She has never been an issue for me. She did not scare me, bite me, or hiss at me. She did not break anything at home. More importantly, she is not interested in counter tops and stove, so I keep my sanity (stove is the one that I am most scared off. Cannot imagine her or another cat jumping on and hurting their wonderful paws….)

My sleep is much better since she joined my household. I love talking to her at night and being woken up by her in the morning. She is not an early bird, so 7-8 am is our time. I spend around 5-10 minutes petting her and scratching her head, which she loves. Then comes cleaning her water and food bowls, and adding fresh food and water. We have a comfortable routine in the morning that works.

While she asks for attention sometimes during the day, she lets me work. Not even once she interrupted or asked for attention while I was having online meetings. She is not a fan of the computer or the keyboard either. Absolute, golden luck for a busy professional like me.

The love I feel for her is very strong and makes me happy. I always have known that she would leave one day…. But when she leaves, it will hurt. Until then.

It is impossible to have a magical creature like a cat at home and not bonding or being emotionally attached. I am sure I am not the only one who fosters a lovely cat and one day will let her go.

My fear has always been not knowing whether she is sick/uncomfortable or healthy and well. It is hard to know what they feel. What if I miss an otherwise important, silent clue and she gets hurt? Not one thing that I can risk. That is why it is really awesome that the shelter organization is very attentive to my questions and provides me with info and support whenever I need it. Nevertheless, I continue to fear (not in a way that it creates an anxiety., but in away that I keep watching).

Anyways, considering her wonderful character and our bond, my sister indeed made a great point. Since I was so lucky to start fostering by a cat like Mona, do I really think that other foster cats will be as mild, joyful, and non-problematic as Mona?

What about those stories we hear here and there about cats chewing cables; breaking TVs; ruining furniture; being hostile or aggressive; being clingy or too active; and so on?

These are potential experiences as well, with the future cats. Thanks sis, for making me realize things a little bit better.

I also keep in my perspective that it is also possible to foster other cats like Mona in the future, and each cat has many wonderful characteristics that will continue to awe me.

Cats GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

having a foster cat – I

You may remember that since late October I am fostering a cat, Mona.

She has been my first foster cat and I could not be happier.

You may ask why I decided to foster.

I wanted to foster for a very long time, especially after I gave back my cat (whom I adopted a few years back and sadly had to return to shelter after 5 days… I know.. I know.. I am heartless. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. But I was not good enough and could not bear the idea of putting him in a kernel while I have extended trips. Luckily in a couple of weeks, he was adopted. Or, so I was told….).

How did I finally start fostering?

Anyways, my next door neighbour is a big fan of pets and adopting animals as much as she can. So, she encouraged me for years… So did my family… Eventually this Fall, right before I asked my doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant, I took the step and contacted a shelter. They said they had frozen the program and would open again in a week. My neighbour said – do NOT wait. So I contacted another one. Long story short, I was interviewed in a couple of days, signed agreements, and in a week I had Mona transported to my home 🙂

Cat Lady Cats GIF by Jeannie Phan - Find & Share on GIPHY

Then, she arrived.

It was too soon, but in the meantime, luckily I had prepared my home and removed the sticky bands, secured the cables somehow, and prepared a room for the cat. I was planning to keep her in the room a couple of days until she felt secure. But it did not work that way. The vicious cat needed to be let go off the carrier right away, otherwise she would be hurting herself. That was a good thing indeed – she immediately checked the place and found herself a comfy place (the top of the couch). The fact that she did not display any fear or did not hide tells me that she was okay.

She also was friendly with me and did not hiss or otherwise show any aggressive behavior. I showed her her litter box, gave food and water, and let her be.

The fact that I am not interested in showing big attention to anyone helped.

I remember the next night she placed herself on my bed and groomed herself. I remember petting her (I was afraid!!) lightly and learning right away that there was a limit to how many times you can pet a cat 🙂 (answer is that, you gotta stop after 5-6 times and if she wants, she will signal you to do it. Otherwise, be prepared to face an unhappy and determined cat).

How do I take having someone at home and arrange my life around them?

I never felt disgusted or tired of cleaning her litter box, washing her bowls, and giving her food (all wet food) or water. I continue to dump the litter everyday to keep air fresh at home, and dump the entire litter, litter box, and the scoop every two weeks. I vacuum the carpets and floors, especially the litter room, frequently and wipe with wet wipes (sometimes, but not always, with antibacterial wipes. Too much chemicals..). I play with her at least twice a day, generously scratch her head and groom her body. She often sleeps on the foot area of my bed during the nights, and during the day.

The smell of the litter / pooh made me annoyed once or twice, I had to learn to use a small amount of baking soda with litter and better aerate the house.

I was scared to give liquid medication orally by a syringe, which I could never managed to do.

I was scared when Mona got sick and needed to go to the vet.

Other than these, I am simply grateful that she is in my life. She wakes me up in the morning for meal (thank goodness, and let me pet her. I love my mornings now 🙂 I talk to her, always wishing positive things and telling her the difference she has made in my life. She listens.

Happy I Love You GIF by Rebecca Hendin - Find & Share on GIPHY

She has a great community of people caring for her. My friends gave her many gifts and often send their love in messages. My family fell in love with her. She is loved, cared, and admired.

Why fostering gave me a huge satisfaction and has a deep meaning?

I started fostering by the idea of having a cat – I admire them – in my life.

But I had never thought how meaningful and satisfactory is to actually help an animal. Mona was a stray cat and had a rough start in life. She is now in a safe place, loved, fed well, and cared for. Fostering her till she is adopted is most certainly helping another cat to be rescued from the streets, or from abusive owners. To be able to contribute to such a great aim is incredible.

  • To be continued

Saturday morning musings

Happy Saturday everyone – hope you all will have a pleasant day, and find a chance to rest and be joyful.

I am excited for today as I am not planning to work. Rather I will be out going for shopping 🙂 I did some shopping this week, thanks to a friend who gave me a ride. But I still have some stuff to purchase and some items to return, so today is a great day to do all of these.

Since I do not have a car, my shopping (in malls) is often restricted to one mall and a few stores in the mall in a given day. Carrying bulky or heavy stuff by hand around is not practical. This is just one restriction of not having a car, while there are so many other benefits of not having one 🙂

Happy Dance GIF by HOFER Österreich - Find & Share on GIPHY

I had a rather less busy week at work, and that allowed me doing the house chores yesterday, leaving today to myself. I am quite grateful for this.

It takes longer to clean the house now, considering I have a foster cat (Mona) under my care. But that is okay. I would rather spent 2x time in cleaning than not having these magical creatures in my home. I feel so lucky and happy to have finally decided to take the step to foster cats. It has been 6 happy weeks 🙂

Cat Lady Cats GIF by Jeannie Phan - Find & Share on GIPHY

While fostering comes with almost no extra expense, I nevertheless supply around 1/4 of the food and litter to help the organization. I also am happy to make other expenses that make my and Mona’s life easier – these include disposable litter boxes and scoops (replaced every 2 weeks), generous use of litter bags (scooping the litter 3-4 times a day) and disposable cleaning clothes and disinfectant wipes. All of these make it much better experience. I also need a second vacuum (maybe a small, hand-held one) to help with the vacuuming (litter and cat hair, mostly). This is better than carrying my bulky vacuum on the two floors of the house everyday.

As someone who is interested in saving money as much as possible, the fact that I am enthusiastic about these extra expenses are a clear indication that I get so much by having Mona at home. Money is not everything, right? Right.

We have a rather warm December. Looks like it is gonna be a warm winter this year, which I am sure is welcomed by open arms. We have had such a tough 2020.

New Year Tlol GIF by The Land of Legends - Find & Share on GIPHY

Are you looking forward to 2021? Honestly, I do not expect much of a change, maybe except for the vaccinations rolling on and mortality from COVID-19 going down. We still need to figure out the economy, the travel, and opportunities lying ahead in the post-pandemic future.

One of these opportunities is more virtual meetings & conferences organized. For professionals like me, this provides a cost-effective and comfortable professional development opportunity. I am really looking forward to these.

I still do not know when I can go visit my family, but summer 2021 does not seem to be an option. Have not talked about this to my family, but I think they already predict that. As long as they are healthy and safe, I am okay with this.

I really am.

Sony Thank You GIF by Zombieland - Find & Share on GIPHY

how is my foster momhood going on?

It is going very well 🙂

Mona has been with me almost over a month now.

She changed my life for the better and I certainly feel a positive aurora around the home and pleasant feelings in my mind. Loving, petting, caring for, and talking to Mona have certainly helped me have positive thoughts and emotions. I have tons of good wishes for her and time to time, I tell them to her.

Season 21 Cat GIF by The Bachelor - Find & Share on GIPHY

I got used to clean the bowl each time I give Mona food and cleaning her water bowl every morning. Scooping the litter does not bother me at all, I often clean it at least twice a day. I think Mona likes this dedicated service 🙂

Happy Cat GIF by memecandy - Find & Share on GIPHY

Cleaning the litter box, however, is another story. At first, I replaced the litter box, scoop, and litter after two weeks of use. Then, somehow she got constipation and I decided to have a second litter box on the other level of the house. I think Mona loved this as well. I liked it too, because I think it helped with limiting contamination of the floors with litter, pee, or pooh pieces (I think while digging the litter, sometimes she steps on her excretions).

The litter box and scoops are from Dolarama, so they are very affordable. I had no reason to bother myself clean them and use again. The only problem is that when last time I visited Dolarama, I found scoops, but not litter boxes. Hence, I had to clean the litter boxes today….

Issa Rae Mask GIF by Insecure on HBO - Find & Share on GIPHY

Boy…

I am not doing this again.

I am lucky that I have an unused bathroom at home and a bath tub, which was helpful in cleaning and disinfecting the boxes. But it was not kind to my back, and I did not enjoy working on two litter boxes for around an hour of washing, rinsing, disinfecting, rinsing and washing again, and drying. Not to talk about disinfecting the bath tub once all were taken care of.

While I am hopeful that I can find litter boxes next time I visit Dolarama, there is no guarantee for that. So, I currently have one litter box for use for Mona. Hope she will be okay with this. If it goes negative, I will set up the second litter box. Then, they will have to be replaced in two weeks. That means this or the next weekend, I will be hunting for litter boxes 🙂

Mtv Style Film GIF by Paramount Movies - Find & Share on GIPHY

Mona is an incredibly gentle and easy cat. I think as the first time foster mom, I have been very fortunate. She just is asking for food whenever I eat something 🙂 and started not to like every food I serve her. That is okay, I guess – she has the right to have favorite food types.

While the food, litter, and vet expenses are covered by the organization I volunteer for Mona, I often buy wet food and litter to help the organization, Mona, and myself. It is a pleasure shopping for her with excitement; great to change or add fresh litter frequently; and see her happy and comfortable.

Cat Kitten GIF by ASPCA - Find & Share on GIPHY

Caving in today

The day has been strange. I have been feeling tired in the last few days, so I got up late. First thing first, I replaced the water and food for the foster cat, Mona. She is doing well, well adapted to home and me, does not bother me at all, and very loving and loved 🙂 She is lovely and I am lucky.


I worked well in the morning, but in mid-noon, I have become overwhelmed. I felt weak, shaky, hopeless, scared, and feeling like the only solution to all problems I am facing was to quit my job.

This is not something new. I react badly to all negative emotions work-related issues create. I want and deserve a better quality of life.

Will I be able to feel absolutely better for ever if I quit job?

No. If it is not the job issues, then I am sure there will be issues in other areas in my life. Like family, or other relations. Will I quit them too? (No).

So, when I think like this, I start to find myself responsible for my feelings, which somehow hurts me. My thoughts in these situations are “I should be dealing with things better, I should not let annoyances and annoying people annoy me and put me in this emotional state, and I have not been able to do this all these years. Am I weak? Am I broken?

What is it? I do not know. Maybe I need a vacation (who does not?), therapy, or some medications.

The positive thing is that I want to feel better.

The negative thing is that I frequently feel like sh.t.

Maybe it is time that I ask my doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant. They usually do not want to, but if I ask, there is a chance. We shall see.


These are the days that I “cave in” in my bedroom. For some unknown reason, spending time here helps me gather myself up, for which I am grateful. It mends me. Now that I also have this wonderful cat snoozing next to me :), I think the healing power of this room has grown quite a bit. Wonderful.

Mona has been good for me. Today is the first time I have had emotional collapse or stress since she arrived here. I always wondered how I would react with a cat at home. One restriction I felt was I did not feel free enough to do whatever I want to do to soothe my nerves. Other than that, I think she is an angel, heals me, gets me, and loves me.

I wish the best for Mona. I hope she will find a great permanent home soon. I will miss her and cry quite a bit when she leaves, but I will get over it eventually. I feel like her eyes are reading me, so I cannot look at her eyes for too long – can you imagine?? 🙂

If only animals had spoken – we would learn so much from them.

Cat Kitty GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

random thoughts

The cool fall is upon us. It is very enjoyable. We can expect some snow in mid November. This will change the game to hibernation season 🙂 Our winter is long and we get too much snow dumped. But, life continues and eventually Spring comes.

I have had a busy week. the more I try to focus on important things, the more small, urgent stuff appeared. That meant in some cases I did not get perfectionist and sent my letters/emails at around 90% perfectness. Acceptable, isn’t it?

It is.

I also, for the first time in a very long time, did not fill feedback forms I was supposed to, to help my unit’s assessment and future plans. Rather, I sent a short email with my main points. I will let the administrative staff to use my email to communicate to others.

You may ask yourself “What is the deal with these two examples?“. Well, I used to follow all directions meticulously and put my best mind forward. Sometimes, it is too tiring and requires too much of my time and energy. While I have energy, my time is getting less and less available with each big steps I want to take. So, to save my time for what matters most to me, I had to change things and how I operate.

I am proud of myself. The change and deviation from my usual work practice is little, took me a long time to implement, but I made it eventually.

————————————————-

I have been thinking about love and fear. When I feel dependency or attention, I get scared. I get distant.

I have been extremely interested in my freedom. It works wonders for me and I love this life-style. I do not need to care for someone, or cook. I could not make a mother, to be honest. This is how I feel. But, sometimes, it feels okay to care for something, a cat for example, and provide love & safety. Even though it restricts my freedom. Loving a wonderful creature should not create fear. It should create excitement.

This is how I finally convinced myself and decided to foster a beautiful kitty, Mona, yesterday 🙂

very random thoughts

Today I decided to foster cats.

I emailed a rescue organization. Hopefully I will get some positive reply back. I need to shop, buy stuff, and make sure that the plants I have are not hazardous and my cables are well protected.

I can get anxious like 4-5 years ago when I had adopted a wonderful kitty. 5 days later I had to return him back. My heart still aches because of that decision. I still ask forgiveness by him. And I still hate myself and for being such a coward.

The fact that fostering is a shorter term commitment, I kind of think that I can make it this time. I hope so.

I want to love, care, and protect the foster cat. Maybe cats, even. Who knows?

We have obligations to care for others, including animals and nature. I am not sure how well I am doing my part. I hope this is what it is.

Animated Cats GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Winter is coming. This week has been quite cool. I like cool weather and I am fine with it. In a month or so, we can expect some snow. That fluffy, innocent, clean white stuff…..Many people laugh at me when I say I love snow 🙂 I keep saying anyhow.

Winter Swimming GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

You won’t believe what happened.

I met someone who interests me. It is weird to say this. I thought it was just not possible anymore. I was wrong. Interestingly, instead of day dreaming, I keep saying myself “let it go“. I often manage not to think about him as well. Very different behavior than my usual self. I cherish this interest and the new type of behavior I display.

Happy In Love GIF by Turner Classic Movies - Find & Share on GIPHY

Logically I do not see any possibility of moving forward with this person (I know myself). I am also tired of male behavior (I really am believing in males from Mars, females from Venus kind of difference in our behaviors) and the confusion they create in my life. So, what is the point of daydreaming anyhow???

The point is that it is a beautiful feeling.

Love is.

Black And White Love GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

joy journal – September 10, 2017

It has been a long time that I wrote in this journal. I miss it almost everyday but it is hard to find time to put the words out. Today I am taking my time as I made a conscious choice of being grateful and, as a result feeling good.

Not all days and moments are joyful, or without any problem or hurt that bothers us. But we/I could find some time to remember the things, event, experiences, and people that makes our lives better, safer, and enjoyable. This journal has served me well in this sense, I hope you too will start your own and benefit from it at least as much as I do.

————————————–

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and getting up at around 9 am. It was not too early or too late. Just right.

2. I am grateful for my morning coffee which was just right. Every once a while I get the temperature right and today was one of those times. With a little bit of sugar, it was the most enjoyable drink I have had in the last while 🙂

3. I am grateful for not getting crazy over the rain. I was planning to shop today but it rained whole day and made my plan a future plan. I do not need anything urgent, but shopping would be very therapeutic and help me with feeling good and excited. Ah, shopping…. 🙂

4. I am grateful for baking a sourdough loaf today. I run out of the bread in my freezer and I was so craving for fresh bread 🙂 

5. I am grateful for speaking with my family today and for their well being, health, and happiness.

6. I am grateful for working today. I worked around 3 hours reviewing a report and drafting a report about it. I still have work to do on it, but I started and this is good. I must finish my report in two weeks and I have ample time now that I progressed quite a bit today.

7. I am grateful for being assertive with a dominant and bossy collaborator of mine. He changes things or involves more people in without consulting me on matters directly related to me. I swallowed a few incident like that in the last one month and today he did it again and I said it is time that we talked. I asked him to call me, which he did and we talked. He admits that I am a control freak (who did not know this?) and he was too negligent of others’ opinions and priorities. We talked like two mature individuals with understanding and without yelling or getting mean, which was nice. I am not naive enough to think that this talk has solved the problem for ever; no, as long as I work with him, we will come to the same point again and again. But I am happy that I talked without fearing negative consequences (I actually need him for a project of mine), and formed a more respectful bond between us. This is good enough for now and we can always talk in the future should it be required.

8. I m grateful for the kale meal I have cooked yesterday. At one point in the afternoon I took a supplement that upset my stomach. I ate the meal and it was okay after that. Should I not have the meal ready, I think I would suffer longer while trying to cook something new. Long live kale! 🙂

9. I am grateful for my windows being open and having fresh air in. I love this about summer and fall. One of my treasured activities at home. I feel so lucky 🙂

10. I am grateful for listening to a relaxing music that is great for my fried nerves…. Many years ago I used to try to mediate listening to this kind of music. Seeing the bigger picture in life and feeling safe and well in it in the moment are priceless. I should try sitting meditation someday again, but honestly it is the most boring thing for me (I know many people can do it – hats off!!).

11. I am grateful for stepping out for a short time and purchasing yogurt. I love yogurt!! I can eat an entire tub on a single day; it is creamy and healthy. I should make better choices and opt for low fat variety next time. My doctor informed me that my bad cholesterol is a little bit high. I am still at low risk group, but it was consistently increasing in the last year, so I must be careful with it.

12. I am grateful for realizing my needs and short-comings. I  just had a birthday in the last few weeks. Between the trip to Rome and the busy and stressful work schedule, I could not reflect on my new age except in a few short moments….. I have been looking forward to a quiet time to actually reflect and figure out how I feel about my age and aging, what changes I must introduce in my life, and how content I was with everything else. But this is not happening yet, and I feel annoyed by this… I know that I am changing as a middle aged individual. I know my dreams and plans are changing. I know my days are getting shorter and shorter and so are the days of my loved ones. My chronic disease and death probability is also increasing with each passing moment. These demand significant changes in my attitude, my life-style, and the way I look at life and my priorities. I know my health and my family’s health are the most important thing, but ask me how I contribute to either of this and the answer will be very lame. I am so focused on turning work around and dealing with antsy bitsy issues that I cannot find time to think big or be positive. What a shame…. I am rationally aware of what I must do, yet still cannot or do not take the steps to better my life and spend more time with and cherish my family…. It takes one step to start this journey… I wish that I can start it right now… I may or may not, but at least I am aware of my need and wish and who knows, maybe I will take that step sometime soon.

13. I am grateful for having the day to myself. I plan to watch TV after this and enjoy my time.

14. I am grateful for the cat of my neighbour’s who spends time in my yard a lot. It is a beautiful black and young female cat that keeps hunting and surveilling the yard for pests and moth. She killed a little rat a couple of weeks ago in my yard, which was a scary sight at first. But I am so grateful for this mouser that keeps my yard free of pests. She and I do not interact much except that we both look at each other whenever both of us exist in the yard at the same time. I respect her presence and she respects mine. We are a good team 🙂

15. I am grateful for the food in my fridge and pantry; all the clothes, shoes, furniture, and everything else in my home. They make my life easy and comfortable. 

16. I am grateful for making a conscious effort to have a healthier lifestyle as of today. The last 2 months have been crazy stressful and I lacked the time, energy, and willpower to pay attention to my own health and well being. I almost left home today for a convenience store trip to get junk food, but stopped at the last minute and I am very happy about this.

17. I am grateful for being grateful and finding time to note these here today 🙂

sometimes it is the right time to change

Sometimes we force ourselves to change, and sometimes it just feels right or good to do so.

The first one is enforced and is usually against some wishes/priorities. Thus, it is not an easy one. I like the latter – it comes naturally without negative emotions attached to it. The only disadvantage is I never know the timing as it is also spontaneous. In the last 24 hours, I enjoyed this type of changes.

First; since I started thinking about adopting a cat, I have been reading lots of blogs and watching youtube videos every night. Eventually, I got tired of it and decided to remove the cat-related tags that I follow from my blog’s main page. I have done this today and I feel good about it. I will also remove bookmarked sites tonite.

Second; yesterday I had a look at the blogs I followed and unfollowed around 30 blogs that either had not posted in at least 6 months, or their scope was no longer one of my interests. I am not saying that there was something wrong about these blogs – absolutely not. But they did not contribute to enriching my life and as such I needed to let them go and open space for new ones, new interest, and new bloggers.

I am just curious now what these new topics could be 🙂

happiness is knowing that someone you care about is well and sound

I called the animal shelter today to ask about how to donate them the money that I was rising by selling extra items in my home that I identified during my latest decluttering activity.

I could not help but asked about Jamie the cat that I had adopted a few weeks ago, which I unfortunately had to return back.

They told me that he was now adopted and was doing really well in his new home!

I could not be happier!!!

 

Jamie – may your new home bring you joy, safety, love, and all the toys and food you may love:)

I hope all animals will find their best homes sooner than later.

I hope we all will do, however small it can be, our parts to care for the animals; whether it is fostering, donating food or other items or funds, or just helping an animal in need.

Thank you my friends for being here to support me while I went thru this emotional turbulence. Now I am at peace….

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

weekly budget check

I have done well this week and stayed within my weekly allowance:

total expenses (within the allowance): $98

fun funds savings this week: $120 – $98: $22

total fun funds accumulated today: – $50 (sadly I spent more than I saved in this fund. Gotta be better soon….)

Savings from would-be-expenses (expenses that I was tempted to, but did not do, savings from discounts etc.): $145 (always feel good…)

Other expenses: $146; mostly a dinner with a friend of mine (well deserved) and cleaning products

———————————

Starting this month, I am increasing my mortgage payments a little bit. I am feeling great about this 🙂 This is mostly because I have got a little salary increase and decided to use it to pay off my mortgage earlier 🙂 Welcome September 🙂

Money risen for the animal shelter by selling stuff on kijiji: $40 so far. Even a little bit helps these innocent and beautiful animals.

Honestly, there has not been any day that I have not thought about re-adopting Jamie the cat…My little boy.. if only I had a little bit more courage and relaxed…

declutterig, finding new treasures, and giving them away

I have decluttered one last part in my home this weekend (the storage area) and identified many items still usable but not serving me well anymore. Some are given away free and some are being sold online.

I made $20 so far from these sells.

This will go to the animal shelter to help support these institutions and the cats/dogs they shelter 🙂

Hope to sell other items to increase this amount.

Please consider a similar activity; clean and clear your home and consciousness, remove those items that do not serve you or give you joy anymore, let them find new homes, and help those defenseless and innocent pets that require us to do something in turn. After all, we humans are the reasons that they lack their natural habitat and are killed/hurt for no good reasons at the streets or shelters.

Best.

sometimes it is best to leave the love behind

It is all good, I promise.

Skip the 1st part and scroll down to the second half should you prefer not to hear about the drama.

(honestly, I too would like to leave this drama behind…).

———————————

My mom was very upset that I returned Jamie the cat back. My sister and my brother too. They highly recommended me take it back.

Did I not want it?

With each day I have been feeling a little bit better, but I am still emotional about that innocent, mystical live-being.

Anyways, my mom forced (!) me to go back to the shelter. And I did. Not to take him back, but to inquire what would happen to him, and if he was to be killed, to re-adopt him (I thought what I could offer him would be better than death for this young, lovely cat). They assured me again that he would not be killed unless he has behavioral problems or gets sick. There were cats that have been living there for 3 years 🙂

I could not completely believe, but got happy anyhow! 🙂 Jamie will not die because of me and he has got a lot of opportunities to be adopted 🙂

———————————

Why am I telling you these?

Not to continue with my recent drama, but to note something that I realized.

By chance, I saw my friend at the shelter; she is a regular there. She told me one thing that I cannot forget.

She said Jamie was not the right cat for me.

I was still defensive and said I was not the right owner for him.

Now I am thinking; she was right. It felt right. Jamie the cat and I were not right for each other. if it was so, we would be happy and comfortable together.

In the past too I have had experiences like this when I was not 100% sure and got conflicted about whether or not to take a step (like adopting Jamie).

In the future I hope to remember this: if I find myself stretching too much for someone/something, and if I am not 100% comfortable, I will stop myself and walk away.

While there is room for development in all of us, if it is too much of a concern around it, it is best to leave the love behind. There will always be others.

And long-live the friends 🙂

And if i want to help animals, then I better donate to shelters and stop eating them for sometime…

foster-care programs for animals

I continue to be upset about returning back my little boy, Jamie the cat, back to the shelter after 5 days..

I continue to be overwhelmed by the emotions; guilt, missing, and loving Jamie.  And often I burst in tears. I am a middle aged, mature person, but there I am crying…… I am a mess.

There is a lot to process for me and as time goes on I digest more.

I found talking about Jamie and my experience with him helps me a lot. I was talking to my neighbour, who has asked about Jamie and I cried there too. She suggested I pet her cat (which is a lovely cat that often shows up in my yard) or consider fostering cats from a foster-care program.

What a great idea….

There is one foster-care program in my city that lets me foster and even pays for the food of the animals. Is that not great? This organization is also aiming to develop a no-kill shelter over time – they estimate it to take 3-4 years with the current level of funding. I wish we could have all shelters like that, a no-kill shelter.

I wish I was aware of the foster program before. I sure would give it a try, and possibly did better. I do not think I would love another cat as much as I love Jamie, yet in this life anything is possible. After all, I loved a cat more like a family member of mine and I cry after him, even though we had spent only 5 days together….

Fostering can work for many people. I think it would be a great opportunity;

  • for people like me who are not 100% sure of getting a cat
  • for those who wants to adopt but first would like to see whether they can get along with the cat
  • for kind, animal lovers, who may be traveling sometime (so cannot fully commit to an animal, like myself), or
  • for those who are looking for a mouser cat

Wouldn’t it be just nice to take our part in this planet by taking care of, feeding, or showing love to other earthly creatures? Even for a short time?

🙂

 

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

——————————————

The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

——————————————

That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

——————————–

Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

———————————-

I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

———————————-

Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

sad decisions….

Sometimes there is no ideal choice and you just need to pick one that will better fit your current needs or wishes.

That is what I have done yesterday night.

Tomorrow, I am giving Jamie (the cat I adopted last Friday) back to the shelter.

It breaks my heart….

Jamie is a lovely cat. Just maybe too friendly, which I cannot accommodate in my life; like not being able to pet him very, very frequently as he constantly asks for it; not being able to allow him to lie on my keyboard, which otherwise limits my work and personal time; and not being able to let him sleep on my bed at night.

Rejecting him at these occasions feels very bad and he also shows the signs of frustrations, by biting or chewing….. Yesterday night after a number of biting and chewing attempts I thought: I knew I was not completely ready to have a cat (lots to learn to take excellent care of him), but I had never thought before that I would be scared of a cat….Sure somebody else would have handled these better, but I just feel helpless as to how to figure these out now.

This afternoon, I called the shelter and they expect him back tomorrow. My friend will come to help me to get him in the carrier. People at the shelter were sad…. I was sad. Very sorry…..

I feel like sh.t…..

I am sending a lovely creature out of my life to a shelter that he was not happy with at the first place (he does not like other cats while he is extremely good with people). I am denying him the happiness he has had here with me. I will miss his voice, his warmth, and trust on me. I will miss cleaning his litter box (for some reason, I never negatively reacted to that), picking up food and toys for him. I will miss the good memories we have had in the last four days, the way he made me feel unconditionally loved and trusted.

These are the emotional parts of the entire ordeal. I broke tears many times since yesterday….Emotions, after all, are quite powerful.

There is, of course, a logical part of the entire ordeal as well. I am not only denying him happiness but also frustration coming from not being pet/scratched every 10 minutes. This is actually good for him. I imagine him being quite happy in a new home with multiple people. I imagine him being happy with someone who is just happy with the way Jamie is, or knows how to train him (if there is anything like this)  to not do certain things or show certain behaviors. He is a great cat, young, beautiful, and healthy and I am sure that he can find a new home soon (I do not want to think otherwise….).

As per me; I will continue to feel like a failure, guilty, and heartless for some time. But when I think, I know it is the best decision not only for him, but also for me. I will be back to my regular life and life-style, and reflect on myself, my life, and my relationships with people or animals I love. I just hope that I will not dwell too much on this and over-generalize my failure with Jamie to my entire life and to my other relationships.

Love, my friends, can bring one to her knees, or make one to fly up high. The clash with emotions and logical thinking, on the other hand, can be detrimental; my self-induced self-hate right now, after all, is mostly due to this clash.

I am almost sure in a couple of weeks, I will be fine. Just like how I have overcome the emotions I have had for the first cat I had loved but did not adopt because he had extensive dental problems in the past…. I have hated myself for quite a long time after that, too.

It is strange that all of these and my interest to adopt a cat happened in the last two weeks.

What a strange, emotionally dense, and wonderful time of my life at the same time..

 

random thougths (mostly on cat ownership)

I woke up early this morning, before 8 am (yes, it is early for me: I usually get up around 9 am). I was wondering how Jamie the cat was. After doing the morning routine (it is routine now, like changing his water and cleaning his litter box), I left him for the first time at home for the day.

The morning was awesome with a cool temperature but nevertheless sunny and walking felt good. I was planning to take the bus, but then feeling the goodness coming out of the day and walking, I decided to walk to office. I was there in 30 min. I found a chance to look at the trees and enjoy the quite morning with little traffic. I really enjoyed this morning walk.

Work went well and after two long meetings, I was back at home in the afternoon to continue to work here. I was wondering how the cat did, and to my joy everything was alright; he was well and nothing at home has been harmed, broken, moved, or trashed by the cat. That felt good and once more I realized what an easy cat he was.

I try to pet him and play with him time to time. I guess it is true what they say; when you ignore them, cats approach you. I must say surprisingly he is the one that wants to lie on my lap, climb on me, or head butt me. It is really interesting that I get so much love and comfort from this cat. I hope he will not change. I hope he will not get frustrated by constantly asking for love/attention from me and getting it maybe 60% of the time.

I feel conscious about this; I feel like I must address all of his needs and wants. I am good with providing him safety and food/water/clean litter (i.e. basic needs). I pet him the majority of the time he wants it, but not always. So far, I did not let him climb on my face or bite my socks. I lift him off my keyboard. I feel like rejecting the poor animal, which makes me quite sad/sorry. I know how it feels to be rejected…..

But I also think that I cannot do everything he wants me to, like play when he wants, scratch when he wants, climb on me, bite me, or let him sleep on my bed. One of my fears is to have a cat who is pretty spoiled…

It turns out we both have rules.

I have a trip to make in October for a week and I wonder how we are going to handle his care. I either need to find someone to house sit him or I will place him in a boarding facility. I do not know how I will and how he will feel about it.

Honestly while it is a great cat, I can tell you it is not all white and black for me. I feel like I cannot give him the attention he needs. When I am away on trips, it is a problem. Since I am used to live alone, I kind of scared of the sudden noises he makes, especially at night. The fact that he becomes more active at night is unfortunate; these are the times that I really need the quiet time for myself. Feeling conscious, having  some kind of remorse, and all bunch of other feelings….

Maybe they were right; I should have fostered him first and then decide to adopt. It feels like the buyer’s remorse; when you buy the house it is exciting first and then it becomes kind of worrisome and you regret its responsibility big time. Until it becomes your routine….

I have not given up yet, but honestly I miss my freedom 🙂

How am I doing in my 3rd day being a cat owner?

Jamie the cat and I are doing really well. It is a very well mannered cat. So far there has been no aggression or biting/scratching kind of events. He used his litter box and did not vomit or urinate everywhere (I hope). He wants me to scratch his neck quite frequently. I am happy with this for now as it helps us to bond, but I hope he will not expect me to do this all the time 🙂 I also try not to pay attention when he meows – the last thing I want to have is a cat that can get my attention whenever he wants…. (I know this sounds heartless, but honesty that is what I think….)

I introduced him to the first floor today. He is good at exploring and seems to enjoy looking out of the window.  He also sniffs the two second hand rugs I got last week; it is possible that they came from homes with pets.

He still visits his room; as a matter of fact his bed, hiding place (aka my old suitcase), litter box, water, and food trays are all there. Today I cleaned the room and opened the windows. While his litter box does not smell, the room does. I do not know whether that is the dry food or he urinated on the shag rugs to mark his room. Something happened.

Jamie and I often compete for the keyboard 🙂 I try to limit him step on it but I am not sure how that will happen..How do we make cats conditioned to not do something? if you have any advice, please tell me.

So almost everything is fine. I am still trying to adjust to having something at home and something to care for. It is kind of strange as I have been living alone for a very long time. I must admit I feel like my freedom is limited now; it is only because of me watching Jamie all the time 🙂 I try to see how he behaves and whether there are dangers at home that I have not counted for. I guess this feeling will go away in a couple of days.

Right after I typed that, Jamie, while trying to climb in a storage cabinet, dropped something heavy. Of course, that is not nice but I talked to him, does he get it? I needed to open the vacuum to clean the mess and that caused him to get a little bit more scared. I do not know where he is right now – hiding somewhere I guess.

Since I am usually a quiet person, I try to make noises around for him to get used to noise. I rang the bell, TV is on, I used the vacuum to clean the house yesterday and today. I expect a couple of visitors this week, which I hope will give him an opportunity to get used to having people at home.

So, I still have some internal work to do and need to get used to live with a cat/another living being, whose rules and habits do not match mine, but I could not ask for a better mannered cat. He is quiet, not violent/aggressive, eats and drinks water well, does not walk on the counter or the dining table yet (I have newspapers with double-sided tapes – he tried once and he did not like the sticky thing I guess. I have not seem him doing this again. I got the idea from internet. I hope to keep him away from these places), is young and looking healthy. A nice cat after all.

I will handle my emotions and the responsibility towards him. We will be fine over time.

cat adoption papers in

I have made another visit to the shelter today; to make sure the energy the cat I like (Jamie) and I was still there. well, he was sleeping and when he woke up, he was pretty grumpy. But hey, I got cold feet again, tried to play with him, and I also tried to hold. He was not in the mood and we left it there.

I put the adoption papers in.

Am I looking for trouble or what? I am not sure.

The worst thing that will happen is that I will not be able to put him in the carrier myself and ask for help.

I also asked about a cat boarding facility and they recommended one that I had already talked to. If I can find someone to sit him while I am away, that would be great. If not, the facilities will make it.

I am supposed to pick Jamie up on Friday. I shopped this afternoon to get prepared. Tomorrow, I will set his room with scratch post, food, water, bed, litter box, and toys. He has got lovely toys 🙂

wish me luck! 🙂

random thoughts

It is a beautiful day; neither cold nor too hot/humid – love it 🙂

Before I noticed it, August is passing by and fall is coming. I made a mental note today to enjoy August more; like spending more time outdoors and finishing the minor painting/staining as well as decluttering that I must do around the house. All will be fine.

I worked mostly at home today and I have done really well. I complain to myself that I have so much to do and stress myself; yet eventually everything is going okay. Whatever will happen will happen…. There is life out of work and career.

I bought a second hand rug last week, which I love. It is clean and new, big enough to make me notice how wide my living room is, and the nice gentleman (the previous owner) even delivered it to my home free of charge. I felt very lucky after that.

There was one other rug I had liked and I contacted the owner. In 30 min I had the rug driven to my house, checked by me, and purchased. That was a very fast  🙂 I like the texture and the design of the rug, yet upon closer examination it turned out it has two small dents. It is also quite dusty. I vacuumed it now and am planning to wipe in the coming days to make sure it is clean. So it is not a problem at all. I just do not know what to do with the dents. This is my friends, an example of how you will not always get lucky 🙂 But considering the low cost and the convenience of the purchase, I would say it is well worth it and I am glad I purchased it.

So, I have two choices: either repair or hide the dents of the rug under my coffee table (which is actually a great idea), or place it in the room of Jamie.

Well, who is Jamie?

Jamie is the cat that I have been planning and then hesitating to adopt since last week. There is nothing wrong with the cat; he is beautiful. It is myself that I cannot be sure of. But, hopefully tomorrow I will go and put in the adoption papers. If I do or do not get cold feet again, you will know from my posts tomorrow… Hopefully in the mean time, Jamie will not be adopted.

 

decision day, re: adopting a cat

You know I wanted to adopt a cat and liked two of them last week.

I was ready to adopt the same day the cat I first saw, yet it turned out to have extensive dental problems, which I did not see myself dealing well with. My circumstances are a little bit limiting; I live alone and I make trips for extensive period of time (like 5 weeks family visit I make every year). I could not possibly provide the best (medical) care to this cat, especially while I was away.  It broke my heart very much not to have that cat….

Then I liked another cat and even had one of my friends check him. My friends said that he was a lovely cat with lots of character and that fit my opinion, too. At the weekend though I started to have strong hesitations. Again, what to do with the cat while I am away? How to provide for him?

Also I got somehow confused about the financial aspect of having a cat, understanding their medical needs and sicknesses, and all the diseases I may contract from him.

I worked on these issues quite a bit.

I made calculations (and fellow bloggers helped me to see the expenses more clearly) and I saw that it did not cost too much  to care for a cat.

Also, the diseases could been largely prevented by vaccination and good hygiene at home. After all I was not the first or the only person who would have cats. I am sure whatever the health risks they were, they were manageable.

As per medical needs and sicknesses; I have read many websites and watched many videos. It was tough to learn everything (which I have not, but could over time) but I was feeling like I could learn all of these. The worst thing I could do was to bring the cat to vet every time I was suspicious of something.

So I worked on many of the serious issues I may have with a cat. One thing I could not solve was how to care for the cat while I am away. Long story short, I called two cat boarding facility here this morning. Yes, the both board cats for extensive periods of time. It is kind of pricey, but then it is well worth it.

So…..

Looks like my all problems were solved.

Or, were they?

I have such a cold feet right now and experiencing the biggest hesitation about owning a cat so far; you would not believe. 5 weeks in a boarding facility for a cat is too much. Especially considering the fact that this repeats every single year. I even considered going away for only 3 weeks per year, but then come on; it is my family who I visit and they deserve all the time we can spend together. I do not want to choose between my family and anything else. Even, when it means I will miss a lovely cat in my life.

Taking the cat with me to my family is not a solution either, as the trip is too long, my mom has pet birds at home, I travel to other cities to visit my other family members (which would mean the cat having extra changes and anxieties), and I was not planning to keep the cat in a cage or on leash, either, meaning during the entire time I face a risk of losing the cat.

I really wanted to have one of these cats. I thought they would be excellent companion for me and give me joy, and the love I felt for them was more than anything I can imagine, except the love I feel for my family.

Some choices are hard and this one was too. Overall I am not happy with this decision, but I guess it is the right decision for me.

I hope I will not change my mind again. I kind of got tired of thinking and trying to find solutions to my issues…

what is the cost of cat ownership? Canadian cat-owners; advise please

Hello friends

As a first-time-cat-owner-to-be, I am trying to estimate the cost of cat ownership.

I need opinions from especially my fellow Canadians (other bloggers are also welcome; it is just that things are expensive in Canada when compared to USA).

Can you please give me an idea about regular costs of a cat, including:

  • food
  • litter/hygiene
  • toys and other needs
  • medications (for deworming, flea-treatment etc.)
  • insurance (mine to be is an adult male cat, neutered)
  • have I forget anything in this list? please fill in.

 

Thanks alot! 🙂

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

what was love for me?

I have no answer to that.

The fact that I have decided not to adopt the cat that I have loved, touched, hugged, and admired (seriously did) only because of its dental problems that showed up at a young age (suggesting a serious problem that will need me to handle in future too, emotionally and financially), I must actually question this very hard.

After all, I too show a behavior of preferring those who are healthy, or have been healthy, over those who have not been, to love, to care for, and to make a part of my life. I know many people who would be hesitant/reject the idea of marrying others who have family history of heart problems or cancer, for example. How is that sensible? Is this not ridiculous?

Has this not been a behavior that disgusted me much in the past? Did I not say that that was discrimination and equally offensive, insensitivity and short-sightedness towards those who have gone thru much already? After all, every living being deserves to be loved, regardless of their conditions.

Who says that we all are healthy and, most importantly, will remain healthy?

Who says we will not make extra effort, emotionally and financially, for others we love in our lives?

Who says that I will not be that person who will be sick or require extra care and effort?

Where is my consciousness? Where is my mind? Where are my values now?

What makes me think that a healthier cat today will not get seriously sick next day and give me the same trouble I would have with the cat I liked but denied to adopt today?

probabilities. reality. emotions. thoughts. calculations……

All internal conflict – that is what I am going thru tonite.

Conflict over my decision.

Conflict about love.

Conflict over myself.

Tonite is a hard night indeed. I admit I cried for that cat and seriously is hating myself time to time.

I gotta be realistic.

I gotta bury my emotions, right?

Right.

But since I am questioning a much bigger concept, love, this does not seem to be possible.

Love, after all, is an emotion. And a very important one.

How can we deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or we think they will give us more trouble over time?

How can I do that myself ????

How can I deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or I think they will give me more trouble over time ????

……

I really do not like myself right now.

 

what was love?

One of my friends told me about an old movie about a young and beautiful lady with a little kid running away from something/someone and eventually finding sanctuary at the house of an older guy, who would protect and got to love both of them over time.

They were not wife and husband, though, as the lady was still in love with the father of the kid; the father who has not cared about them, the mother and the child, and the father whom they were running away from (or the negative conditions that were created because of the lack of the care by the father, like providing for them, protecting and making them safe, etc.). They just stayed at his house and under their care without any problem/annoyance created by the older guy.

Then the father shows up many years later and things get tangled. She still loves him in a way. First thing that she wants to do is to reunite with the father as he is the love of her life, yet then there was this other guys who protected and provided shelter, food, and safety to the kid and the mother without expecting anything in return. Plus, he got to love her as a woman and the kid like his own.

She was confused: What should she do?

Her heart pulled her to the father and then to the other guy, and then to the father, and then to the other guy.

And eventually, she chose the other guy.

She asked herself before making her decision:

“What was love?”

 

“Love was the demonstrated goodness/kindness/camaraderie.

Love was effort.”

………………

I keep thinking about love in multiple dimensions today because of my decision to not adopt the wonderful cat I fell in love with, which seems to have serious dental problems even though he is only around 2 years…

What was love for me?

What was love?

my animal shelter experience today

You know I have been considering having a cat as a companion for sometime, which was further motivated by the pest problem I have had in my house in the last few months.

Well; yesterday I ranted a little bit about the cat and I liked at a shelter and my cat-friendly friend who would refuse to go there to give me a hand with her cat-wisdom. I was frustrated and a little bit angry yesterday, but today things turned out to be better.

Let me explain:

Today, my friend took me to another shelter first. It was a nice one with lots of cats, who were not solely cage-contained (they had other contained places to go, including fenced areas outside). How nice.

I have liked one grumpy cat called George, who did not like other cats and preferred to be in his cage only. Okay…. George was a lovely young male cat and it would be awesome to have him around and watch/observe. Yet, my feeling is that his grumpiness could give me some stress, especially when I need to do things that he would not like (like trimming his nails, or putting him in a transporter). So, while he was an awesome and likable one, I a few hours back decided not to get it.

I saw another female cat, white and with odd-eyes. She may be deaf in one ear, not necessarily a great looking cat, but very easy going. I feel affection for her, especially for being deaf in one ear. Her eyes reminds me about “being different” yet still being beautiful and valuable. I am inclined to get her for now. Hopefully thursday. I hope she is a mouser 🙂

When I said to my friend that I also would like to see the cat I liked in the other shelter, she said no first, but then decided to come with me… That was incredible on her side, as she has very strong and negative feelings about that shelter. Anyways; we have been there, the shelter did not take her dog inside the shelter so she had to wait outside, and I checked the cats. They were all contained in cages and they have had no free space to explore, walk, run, or play. This, my friends, is cruel if you ask me and the main reason why my friend did not have a positive feeling about the shelter. I understood her better today and she has every single right to dislike the management of that shelter.

Anyways; I found the cat I liked (i had chosen him thru the website/photos). A very cute and young male cat. very easy going as well – i held him in my arms! I was not scared and he was not scared or aggressive. I asked about him and they told me that he lost a few teeth but was fine now. I went out and asked my friend to check the cat; she came back and said he was lovely. We made plans to adopt him tonite.

Then while driving back, we talked about the teeth and my friend and I got a little bit skeptical about it. For a young cat like him, losing ” a few teeth” would not be considered normal… It would mean he was sick, old, or plain unlucky. I emailed the shelter and it turned out to be a likely permanent gum/neck problem that would require further tooth loss in the future…

My heart bleeds my friends that I will not have him. Considering how much I liked this cat and he may have health problems that require immediate attention, I cannot possibly leave him behind while I am away for extended periods of time (which I do at least twice a year). Since I must make these trips, that means that he should not be under my care.

Would someone love him as much as I do and care for him as he needs? I do not know…. See, I am still hesitant and emotionally would love to get that cat, but logically it is better I do not.

My first cat-love has now ended with a broken heart, I must say.

It is like the first love in life that cannot be  replaced by another. I guarantee you that….

I am determined to love the next cat, though. All living beings deserve love.

animal love and the grief of loss

I am getting cold feet re; adopting a cat.

Two reasons:

1) I was really mentally ready to get a cat today, yet my cat-friendly friend had other urgent matters to attend, so we could not make it to the shelter. Since it did not get the cat today, I am kind of getting frustrated and less motivated to check the cats in the future.

Plus, it turned out my cat-friendly friend has personal problems with the shelter I chose a cat from (thru their website) and she is directing me to another shelter and suggesting to pick one from there… She says we can go there tomorrow.

I am not dependent on my friend, of course. Only that she would be great help pointing out desirable or undesirable things in a cat (she has had cats for a long time). That is one great advantage of having my friend with me while picking the cat.

But, I also do not like my preferences not being considered – I liked a cat (however virtually) and I feel like I should be able to get it if I continue to like it when I meet face-to-face. Down side? I will not have anyone helping me with their cat-wisdom because my friend will not come with me to that shelter.

I now need to decide whether to go after the cat I liked (which means I will not have my friend with me to get ideas), or to go to another shelter with my friend tomorrow and pick a different cat?

Have I mentioned I do not like the uncertainties and would like to make the decision and take the steps immediately? Or, should I completely forget the idea or park it for a while?

Some people say I am not patient. I say, I would like to do and complete things that I put my mind into.

So, this new-decision making ordeal is annoying me. It is like it dangles over my head.. Very annoying indeed.

 

2) My mom just told me with sadness that she has lost two of her birdies, whom I loved dearly too. They were the joy of the household, we loved their chirping and characters, and we have had a strong bond with them. Especially my mom, who tended to their daily needs.

I got very upset and cannot imagine how my mom is feeling about this….

I thought, after having all the grief over these birdies, that perhaps this is the sign that I should not get an animal, another living being, in my care as I also have a chance to lose the cat while in my care – I have to open the doors, both the front and the back doors daily. What happens if the cat just run away to the street where there are cars and other dangers, or to the backyard, which has high fences, but come on, this is a cat who will climb, get lost, or get into fights with the dogs/cats of my neighbours?

Worse yet, what if the cat gets injured, sick, or dead while s/he is with me?

…………..

I guess I will have some break from the cat story for a while.

I hope I will not have another mouse-annoyance in the meanwhile.

in preparation for the cat

Today, I shopped for the cat that hopefully I will be getting soon.

I must admit at the beginning I was hesitant: I first started picking litter and dry food and then got overwhelmed.

What if I buy the stuff and then not get the cat?

I took a moment, left everything on my cart, and left the store to collect myself. Treated myself with a coffee outside on the curb. It was lightly raining but I really needed that moment.

After all, this cat is my first long-term commitment.

Was I sure that I wanted to get and care for a cat?

Am I ready, financially and emotionally, to have a living being in my life, who is dependent on my care?

Is my home ready? Will my floors be scratched and will I find vomit and urine here and  there? Will these damage the floor (laminate) so that I will need to change my flooring every year?

Will the cat burn itself on the range?

Will it suffocate itself on the blind or while playing with the shopping bags? Do I have items around, small or sharp items, that the cat will swallow and hurt/suffocate himself with?

Will the cat eat my plants and will they poison it?

Was one of my tall, thin bookcases wobbly? Will it fall on the cat while he is trying to jump on it?

Will I lose my cat, even though I have no plans to let it go outdoors, at least for now?

Will there be a good vet somewhere closeby?

How will I trim his nails?

Will he like the food and the litter I choose for him? The scratch post? The transporter? The bed material? The toys?

Will we get along? Will he like me? How are we going to interact with each other?

Will he wake me up with a smile on my face? Like every morning?

I do not have answers to the majority of these questions. All I knew was that I wanted to get a cat, more than the need for a mouser, for the need of having something nice around.

I hope he will be a lovely cat 🙂

I might be getting a cat, friends

I might be getting a cat, finally.

yesterday night at 2 am I woke up by the sounds coming from the en suite and detected mouse droppings on the floor. Yes, I have had mouse problem in the last 3 months but we have thought it was well controlled after a pest control company put traps and baits around the first floor of the house. We even got one in a trap 10 days ago. I was hopeful that that was it. But, no mice seem to be staying.

I slept on the couch on the first floor and put two traps and many sticky pads over the bathroom floor. There is nothing for now, but you can imagine my disgust and annoyance with this. For one, I paid over $300 to the pest company to help sort this problem. Well, it has not happened. yes, the mice showed up sporadically and maybe once a week I would see an activity, yet come on! – obviously either there is an entrance to the house or the baits are not working.

I called a friend of mine to “borrow” her cat to have its scent in the house – I heard that that would defer the mice. My friend said that this is only a wishful thinking and the best way is to have a hunter cat, a young and playful cat, in the house. My friend has convinced me finally that it is the sign that I should be getting the cat that I have been wanting to in the last one year or so. We hope to find one from a shelter this week.

I will love this cat; be friends with it; be its protector and carer; and we will be happy together 🙂

And, no mice please!

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