Grief is a strange thing

I am still grieving the loss of my mom, in a very strange way.

My energy has dropped, so did my work performance. I have difficulty getting up in the morning. Every day, even the very mundane thing, is an annoying thing to deal with and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am, I think, angry deep down and not in the mood of pressure. I thought I just needed time to process my emotions, rather than focusing fully on the work. Just today, I thought maybe this was depression. I do not know what is the right one, honestly.

It is strange to me – I know I am not the only one who suffered or is grieving. But while I accepted that it would make me sad, I never thought that it would stop me…. That is why it is strange..

It is unrealistic to expect someone going through the loss of a close family member be fine and fully functional in the weeks/months to come. I think the work places should be flexible enough to recognize this and allow compassionate leaves longer than what is in the work contracts. In the few past days, I have been contemplating about maybe having a medical leave, if this gets out of my hand. That would have negative effects on my career, but honestly, I cannot care about this right now.

For now, I take one day at a time, and at the end of the work day, I am just grateful that I could live it and let go. What a strange thought. I semi-force myself to focus on my tasks and have reduced the expectations from me. I also have dropped a couple if extra tasks that I loved but have got no recognition so far. It breaks my heart, but at least I have one less thing to think about. I have yet another tasks/roles to drop if I cannot gather myself and energy anytime soon. Considering what a high energy and high performance professional I have been, I feel shaken, broken, and somehow relieved as well. Perhaps, I was putting too much stress on myself (i know that actually this is true). Perhaps my current level of work and work speed is what it is supposed to be.

Anyways. Yesterday I realized that I lost my both parents – my dad almost 6 years ago and my mom a few weeks back. My dad was the best and perhaps the only person who openly was proud of me and excited of my achievements. Recognition, he gave me abundantly. My mom was the only person who loved me and treated me the best in the world. Now, I have neither of them. I am broken, no matter how old and mature I am (around 50 years).

I feel for my siblings, as they have lived with the trauma of sickness and death of my mom much closer and vividly than me. They are in poor conditions, psychologically, and I do not know how to help. One of them is seeking counseling and the other one is just a closed case – he needs to fix it himself by his internal dialogues. I wish we did have much better, closer relationships and talk to each other sincerely so that we could support each other better. While my siblings are close with each other, sadly, I am not – living away from home sadly does this over time. You just become distant….

I wonder how my relations with my siblings will develop and progress. I realized that my mom was the glue. A strong glue. Will we stick around each other? Or, will I continue to have strained relationships with my siblings? The future days will show.

For now, I just realize that our lives have changed for ever. I wish for the best for me and my siblings in the coming days.

long weeks

Some weeks feel, like, consisting of 30 days or something. They are full packed, lots happen, and yet it is just the beginning or the mid of the week.

The last few weeks have been feeling like this. I am not sure why. Perhaps I am doing good not working during the weekend too intensely, and rather work harder during the week, or a lot of things come to conclusion and this makes me feel like accomplishing a lot. I think it is a little bit of both.

Working from home is hard. It is good every once a while, to focus on the work at hand without distraction. But not continuously. Cannot believe it has been almost a year that we have been doing this. Except a few times a month, I almost always worked from home, myself, with my team remotely, and with all bunch of committees I am a part of. Lots of things have not happened on time. Lots of things lost their priority as new ones merged. Things that we could normally do in a year expanded into two or more years. Some things have just needed to be cancelled altogether.

Since new year, some mid size projects have been coming to conclusion and new ones have been emerging. This is one reason why I feel like lots are accomplished, and as a result, time becomes longer. Good. Very good.

The overwhelming feeling of the pandemic and working from home are getting a toll on us. I know I am not the only one. I want to say, no scream, STOP sometimes. To all new obligations, new requests, new roles. We cannot breathe sometime – where are we going like this?

Many people are behaving like all is okay. Let me tell you something – it is NOT ok.

Organizations are good at saying compassionate things, like how much they appreciate our hard work during this difficult time. But they keep pushing us to the limits. Adapting to changes takes time and sometimes it is not even possible. How do you train new staff for specific work tasks, some of them requiring high tech applications? How do you correct processes that go wrong, which can only be corrected by hand and by being there physically? Not everything can be done remotely, and not everything can be done good remotely.

These being said, sure, there are positives about working from home. Comfort of the home is a good plus. Ability to take breaks when needed. Remote learning opportunities, which are now more wide spread and more affordable. Having fresh lunch (which is a treat for me). Not combing the hair unless it is required for a meeting or something 🙂 The pj’s and slippers (I feel like my feet got longer – do you have a similar feeling??).

Anyways, the moral of the story that we have challenges and less needs to be expected. If you are a boss like me, remember it. Also make sure your bosses know – just saying it is important to take care of ourselves while going thru this difficult time is not enough. They need to demonstrate lower expectations and obligations from you.

My two cents.

random thoughts

The cool fall is upon us. It is very enjoyable. We can expect some snow in mid November. This will change the game to hibernation season 🙂 Our winter is long and we get too much snow dumped. But, life continues and eventually Spring comes.

I have had a busy week. the more I try to focus on important things, the more small, urgent stuff appeared. That meant in some cases I did not get perfectionist and sent my letters/emails at around 90% perfectness. Acceptable, isn’t it?

It is.

I also, for the first time in a very long time, did not fill feedback forms I was supposed to, to help my unit’s assessment and future plans. Rather, I sent a short email with my main points. I will let the administrative staff to use my email to communicate to others.

You may ask yourself “What is the deal with these two examples?“. Well, I used to follow all directions meticulously and put my best mind forward. Sometimes, it is too tiring and requires too much of my time and energy. While I have energy, my time is getting less and less available with each big steps I want to take. So, to save my time for what matters most to me, I had to change things and how I operate.

I am proud of myself. The change and deviation from my usual work practice is little, took me a long time to implement, but I made it eventually.

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I have been thinking about love and fear. When I feel dependency or attention, I get scared. I get distant.

I have been extremely interested in my freedom. It works wonders for me and I love this life-style. I do not need to care for someone, or cook. I could not make a mother, to be honest. This is how I feel. But, sometimes, it feels okay to care for something, a cat for example, and provide love & safety. Even though it restricts my freedom. Loving a wonderful creature should not create fear. It should create excitement.

This is how I finally convinced myself and decided to foster a beautiful kitty, Mona, yesterday 🙂

Sunday morning musings

I came to realize that;

1. I am tired and need a break
2. I have filled my plate with more things than I can handle – again
3. I secretly wish that this pandemic and social isolation continue like this for at least a year so that I can take my break, make my mind, and finally start doing things differently

 

I have been longing for changes or so long – this pandemic may be my opportunity to do so.  This being said, I have been on this quest for so long and it is strange that I have not moved up a bit (okay, maybe a little bit). Why all this waiting?

Sometimes a drastic step taken in a new direction without much thinking and saying good bye to status quo is the way to go. I want that. I just do not know how to do it…….

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With my summer vacation went out of the window, now is the time to plan a home-vacation……… The predicament is that – what different things can I do to make it a vacation? Challenge?

Oh, on a second thought, I like it 🙂

Just like the song below – isn’t it wonderful everyone?

There are things that energize me. Like Freedom. Freedom to sleep, freedom to watch Netflix, freedom to speak, freedom to get up late, freedom to walk, freedom to not do what I do not really want to. Like walking – honestly it is one the best things that I can do to my body and mind. Like eating healthy food and keeping a healthy body. I am good at cooking and eating generally speaking healthy food, but not necessarily keeping my body fat down. Like journalling and blogging that help me vent out, realize, and reflect. Like doing exciting work and completing important tasks.

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At work, I am completing some things, some others are still hanging out, and new tasks keep appearing (mostly generated by myself). I have been kind of slow in the last two weeks. It felt needed and okay, but I think it is time that I speed up now. I know that every once a while I slow down, and when I come back, things go very efficiently. So, I take this as one of such mini breaks. Tomorrow, I can start again and move fast and high. This feels great, my friends.

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Do you think we can continue with this altered life style for another year or so, until we have a vaccine that works? Assuming that we will survive this time period, of course (I really hope so!). Or, do you think the negative effects will accumulate and come to a point that it will become quite a strain on systems, governments, and businesses that we will see an incredibly drastic changes and hardship?

This last hypothesis is kind of cruel, and also not so much realistic – I would say. The world has seen worse things, like the 1918 flu, conflicts, two world wars and countless of other wars, famine, lack of services, diseases, injustice, shit and bit – we always found a way to come back and stand up.

Have we not?

Viens, viens… Come, come………

random (morning) thoughts on anxiety

Good morning World – I hope all are doing well in this beautiful Saturday morning.

The Spring has been showing its face in the last while. We have shinier days. Being outside is fun and comfy.

I have been feeling kind of anxious lately. It is one of these episodes that I easily get irritated and scared. They say growing is always painful, but pain is an indicator that something has been tried/done and once you are over the pain, you are wiser. Better.

I hope so.

In addition to its pain, anxiety and irrational fear also stop you or limit what you want to do. After all, trying to move away from the fears and worries is only natural.

The other option could be to de-sensitize myself to criticism, failure, worries, and fears. I have been trying that by undertaking bigger roles (which can create more issues) and by addressing challenging issues. I kind of think that the more issues I have to deal with the better I can sort among what is important what is not. I sometimes, just sometimes, can achieve this. Is this a progress or just lucky encounter, I do not know.

What I want to know is what is best for me?

Am I doing good pushing myself like this, or should I just omit things that bother me? The latter option is really tempting, but I also know that one worry-some thing goes, and then another one comes. So changing the perspective and the attitude seems to be the best way.

It is also the hardest.

I think I would like to take time this weekend to reflect on this. Who knows, maybe I will realize something, read or think about something.

These being said, these existential issues somehow help me forget about the seriousness of the COVID-19 situation. I shopped after two weeks yesterday. I wanted to shop, as it excites me 🙂 I bought cleaning products and some canned food, and it felt great. But putting on a mask and gloves, and then taking them off once I was out of the store, coming home, changing clothes, washing them up, and washing my hands and face up until they felt all red was not fun. These are the moments that make me realize how serious this virus situation is (duh!). I think I have been ignoring it so that I would not experience the anxiety it creates.

Perhaps the anxiety I am having over other points are actually a good thing – who knows?

I cannot claim to know how life works. But I sure need some guidance and reading to do on anxiety and how to manage it.

 

 

all the good things – check

Do not get me wrong; it has not been bright lately, but I make an effort to recognize the good and positive in my life (this post is a good example).

• I think I am going through a down episode and am highly suspicious of my mental health, but at least noticing this tells me there is still some logical side in me, which I would like to invest in more – check

I increasingly recognize that I have anger in me that waits to be released. If I am not pissed with a work that does not go well, then I am pissed by an encounter, and if not, then by my memories. I know that I must let go off the memories and emotions attached to them, but it is not easy or permanent.

Just yesterday I decided it was okay to have this state, which now is becoming my “normal”; “I cannot sleep well – so what? It has been like this for now and it is okay”. Or, “I cannot change myself or my life the way I ideally would like, and that is okay too as I have been trying to do this my entire life”. Or, “I do not eat well as well as I want to or exercise to give my tired body a chance to relax, but that is also okay”.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind. I think I am either accepting the conditions and make peace with them, or really started to quit my ideals, plans, or efforts. Hard too know for sure. But somethings are not working. They have not been working for a long time, and this may be a chance to actually let life fix what I could not.

• meeting with a new staff at my work-place and clicking right away – check

what a positive person! one of those individuals whose eyes are radiant with joy and positivity. It was such a pleasure to meet and chat with her. We have some common interests and background, and today I just learn that she was into plants as well. So I gave her a couple of plants and cuttings, and she was excited about them. This feels great in so many different ways; sharing plants is always joyful. But seeing the joy of the person getting them is extra joyful. I made a great memory today, thanks to her. I also felt my energy lifted after interacting with her, as this person has the most positive and happy vibe I have ever seen in someone. I fell quite lucky and I thank life for this.

• becoming a member of the library and having access to digital books and audiobooks – check

this is fascinating! why did I not try this before?? It is such a great service and I immensely enjoy reading the books by my favorite writer and having access to audiobooks, which I am highly curious about. Magnificent development in my life – that is for sure.

• eating fruits and yogurt – check

it has been sometime that I enjoyed these. They are healthy, tasty, and make me feel better

• realizing that nothing is written in stone and I too can let go off some of my beliefs and find a balance in life – check

I do not know why, but all of a sudden this past Saturday morning, I got stressful again and worked the whole weekend. It went well, only slower than I wanted to.  With my stress came my internal pressure and turmoil, and I became more and more aware of the fact that I must release this internal pressure somehow (see above the 1st point). How exactly?

I know what work:

• walking everyday
• not working every weekend
• mingling with people and making better memories
• doing new or spontaneous things
• affirmations and being grateful
• kindness – first to myself and then to others
• eating well and healthy
• taking time to release daily pressure
• traveling
• etc.

Questions is whether I can keep up with these…

I know that if I repeat them to myself, I will. As soon as I let the work to be the most important thing in my life, inevitably, my personal life and wellness become not important at all. I do not know why I cannot find a balance; one can work and then take care of themselves at the same time, right?

• Being kinder to people around me today – check

This kind of experiences also humble me and make me more compassionate of others. Today I was extra kind to people around me, which felt wonderful.

 

 

 

Change is easier when I feel but not when I think about it

I have been waiting for these feelings I experience for some time. I knew that one day I would detach from work and my current life plans, and move on. These days seem to have arrived.

The recent heart-opening experience with one of my family members having a near-death accident has changed me and gave me the much needed shake off. No matter how much I try to think logically to keep going here, I kind of know that I was born for something better and bigger. My work is satisfying but it comes with lots of stress and many little and big work left on my shoulders by either my employer or my team members. I like both of these, but I am resenting the fact that I am not allowed to use my time for things that I am most capable of and it is rather wasted with things that a young colleague with no or little experience can do.

Stress. No or little appreciation. A lot of little work eating up my time. Resentment. Toxic and highly pressuring work environment. Working close to 14 hours everyday, including weekends and holidays. Having financial and employment insecurity. Sleep problems. Lack of time to care for myself, mentally and physically. Lack of assurance.

What was I thinking in keep going with this job?

I know what I was thinking.

I had low self-esteem to find a similar position somewhere else and the job position was something that I have always dreamt of. I was not able to deal with my fears and as such did not want to change my environment, either.

Well.

I may change this environment quite easily. As a matter of fact I feel like I will do this soon. More and more roles that I once dreamt of have been offered to me this week by my organization and more and more I think about not accepting them. I want to commit less to anything or anyone other than myself and my family. I want to make sure that when I decide to leave, I will have freedom to do so, fewer team members to place in a new unit, less furniture to sell/give away, and less responsibility to complete. This is great to feel.

I still have commitments that I must honour. I am doing my best to help move them, but goodness knows if I do get others involved not doing their part and leaving things on my shoulder again, I may as well just quit it there. I know this is a scary thought and I should not feed it, but when one asks themselves constantly “how long more to do these and at what expense?” there comes a moment that the last chain in the link is broken quite easily and it feels right and whatever mattered prior to that moment does not anymore.

I am not asking or planning for this, yet if it is its time, it will happen.

In the mean time, I will enjoy my detachment to my past plans/work and freedom to dream the bigger and better life conditions and job that I know I deserve and I will attain.

 

holidays plans

It is mid December already 🙂

I must be excited about the holiday time-off, but I am not there yet. I have some work to complete before the holidays so that I can take a rest and then start the new year with a fresh feeling. I have 9 more days before the holidays, so I feel like I must speed up. Yet, Murphy’s law – while some stuff are doing well, others are not. So here is to a roller-coaster type of day 🙂

But, I take it easy. This is my new approach to life’s hurdles. There is a lesson to be learnt from everything. Perhaps this year’s lesson to me is to accept the hurdles and delays, and try anyhow. Ok.

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These being said, I am looking forward to having some “me time” during the holidays. I just declined a social and I am likely gonna decline some others too. I remember last years that when I attended the socials, I had hardly any time left for myself. This year more than ever, I want to slow down and I want to reflect and decide on new aims.

Some of my plans are the usual:

I will clean the house really well and declutter! It is gonna be awesome.

I may shop, trousers particularly, by taking advantage of the sales.

I may finally finish the place mat I started to sew 3 months ago.

I may reflect on life, my wishes, and needs, and the future.

Most importantly, I want to evaluate the past year (this blog is a good resource to see what I have experienced or thought). I always liked this exercise! How did I develop, personally and professionally? What did I accomplish and what did I fail? What did I learn? What can I do differently? How did I take the change (e.g. changes in my sleep pattern) and how did this change me?

All very exciting questions! 🙂

 

 

 

Yes to life: my life – the life as I interpret it

It had never really occurred to me why I have chosen such a name for my blog. I could use my name, something that was important or fun for me, or something related to then-focus of my writing, which was poetry.

Just yesterday night it came to me that the life I define as “my life” was a part of life, and more importantly, it was a part of life I keep define based on my “interpretations of what was going on in it”.

This was quite strange, because it told me pretty much what every wise person/book was saying – I make what my life is and I am responsible for it. It also said that I was in control of it, I could change and make it better with an intention and a switch in my perspective.

How does this sound?

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Having control over my life is very liberating and empowering. It means I am not the victim, but rather the boss and mastermind of my life. I may not change what I do not like, but I sure can change how I interpret or care for them.

Having control also means that I may have so far limited my opportunities unknowingly because I draw the line for what I accept in my life, what I care for, and what I do not have.

What if I choose to have more positive light in my life?

What if I want to take steps to get out of my comfort zone and move up and farther?

What if I want to take more risks and dramatically change things like the work I have, the city I live in, or the way I spend my days?

What if I explore and find out what is more important to me – my current life and the current/future financial stability or moving back to where my family and spending time with them?

What if I leave my fears out of the door and open space for more love, hope, opportunity, and joy?

What is I accept the miracles, self-love, kindness, and being in the moment?

………..

Earth would not shatter, but my life could certainly expand.

I could both change the way I interpret things already in my life and reach out to opportunities, miracles, money, success, recognition, wellness, and happiness available out there further away from the circle I have drawn for my life.

I can be courageous enough to re-evaluate my perspective and expand the circle of life around me with a clear intention, a child’s amusing and hopeful attitude, and a little bit effort.

I do not know what these mean for me or whether or when I would start taking the steps. But I am glad that at this middle age of my life, I finally understand myself, my life, and life as a whole better.

It is mine and I draw the lines. I can change these starting now.

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gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/kawaii-flowers-INlJUYclnafdu

 

 

 

self-value, self-care, self-respect

If there is something nice about hard times is that you kind of understand your own value and prioritize your comfort.

This is exactly what I have done. I am going for a short business trip. Under normal conditions I would take the bus, I will not do that anymore. I will take the cab so that I can at least have a comfortable and short ride to and from the airport both here and in my destination.

The amount of money I would save by taking the bus does not even cover the expenses I made for a session of the physiotherapy for my lower back, let alone the negative effects and pain of, sitting and waiting in already kind of long flight. Whose money am I saving anyways? A good organization that does amazing stuff, but saving money should not be at the expense of my health.

I am proud of myself and I really like this change.

 

What a day….

I was emotionally quite drained yesterday and found myself sleeping at around 7 pm. I slept around 12 hours and in the morning, I felt quite better.

I had quite a dream yesterday night. One of those dreams where you want to move in a certain way but you cannot. Everything I hanged on to to get up from the floor turned to something else and absolutely useless, and I was making an extraordinary effort to even move my arm holding on to that something….I was so focused on moving my arm and getting up in my dream that I did not even notice, talk, or support the person (a family member so dear to my heart) who was next to me in my dream.

There are many messages in this dream, I found quite reflective of my mental state and life/work struggles. I neglect the people most important to me (family), I find myself in constant struggle to even go through the simplest tasks (but I keep going despite everything and persistently try, which makes me admire my energy and determinism), and I am disappointed by the resources or opportunities available to me (or, I feel like nothing or noone supports me or they are not what I think they are).

What a dream.

I know that this dream is a work of my subconsciousness that is in a healing process. I believe it made my mental state better.

The whole day, I felt remarkably calm.

I knew that I must have changed things.

I knew that I was resisting to many things or changes.

And now I know that sometimes failure, the one thing that I am so afraid of, is actually needed. Sometimes, my friends, things do not go the way we wish them and there must be a stop point in resisting to let go or change the directions of our lives. if we cannot make this decision, then the failure makes us realize that we came to an end. Failure, in such a case, is a blessing, as it stops you from moving in the wrong direction.

I think it is time that I gracefully accept the failure. This feels safe and surprisingly good.

This does not mean that I let go of my current efforts to produce ideas and hard work. It means that I am kind of unattached to all my plans and wishes right now, and I have stopped beating myself about the possibility of current or future issues, problems, or unsuccessful work.

This is a relief.

I am not naive enough to think that all my issues are resolved or this mental clarity is permanent. But I am not afraid at this moment of issues or their effects on me. I may get up tomorrow feeling anxious and extremely caring about every single plan or wish of mine, but right now, I will soak in this peaceful feeling.

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I made my appointment with a psychologist yesterday. I resisted this idea for a decade or two. Maybe this is what is giving me these feelings of letting go. I am not sure. But I want to feel good and gain my composition, strength, and happiness again. I want to see and think more clearly.

Life is interesting. It teaches you everything you need, whether or not you want it is not relevant. It fixes you.

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In the mean time, I started to eat better – I ate some carrots at noon and cooked a meal for dinner. I ate healthy stuff. I took my time to cook for myself. I walked a bit during the day. I considered cutting coffee a little bit – from 6 cups to 3 cups maybe. I did my back exercises – not fully, but at least I recognize that if I do them, my healing will be speedier. I made a conscious choice of not filling my mind with worry about a problematic report that I expect to get tomorrow. I decided to smile more today and being a more pleasant and positive person – and it went well. I decided to not listen to music or TV shows late at night and rather focus on reflecting on the moment.

I decided to write these here so that I can document the reality.

Which I hope will change in a better way starting soon.

what comes with a year

I do not know how I feel, but after eating some food, I must say I am feeling better 🙂

I think I have not eaten much in the last 24 hours. Yesterday evening was busy with a friend. I think we have had finger foods but then forgot to eat a decent dinner. This morning, as usual, I have not had a breakfast. And then, at noon, I managed to eat some left over food. But I guess that was it until 10 min ago, I remembered to eat a slice of sourdough and some yogurt.

Why am I telling you all of these?

I am very aware of the fact that I am highly stressed, somehow depressed and anxious. The last one year has been quite intense in terms of working, having all bunch of frustrations, and not taking a good care of myself. These were topped by the injuries, one to my elbow and the other to my lower back. I very well know that I must care for myself most during this time, and I am most resisting to the idea.

Why, I must ask.

Why would I resist to taking good care of myself?

I feel like every additional step I must take will stress me more. Like walking and other exercises my doctor has recommended to help with my sleep and stress problem. I used to walk every evening from my office to home, rain or shine did not matter much. Not anymore. I even cannot make to physiotherapy every week, even though it is probably a very important healing process for me. There is always something to do and something to take care of. Except my own well being.

I did, however, a good job today and started looking for a mental health counselor. My first shrink session to come 🙂 I cannot believe. Maybe I should have done this long time ago. I really do not know. Maybe I will find relief.

I hope so.

I realize that in order for things in my life to change, I must change myself. The way I think and approach things.

Wish me luck 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plan A and B

I came to realize that my emotions are quite strong.

Sometimes even stronger than my thoughts. They say our emotions are created by our thoughts. These thoughts must be quite silent or subtle for me – maybe my inner voice? – which make it quite difficult to identify them. In the absence of knowledge of my thoughts I am bound to feel the emotions as they come and go. The only ways I found that work are a) to force myself to remember for the good things that happened, and b) no resisting the emotions and rather let them be. They leave after a while.

Many years ago when I feel this way I wold read books. Reading and writing, as I do right now, seem to alleviate a significant part of these emotional burden. I must confess it has been quite some time that I read a book. Maybe tonite is the night.

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I have been to a meeting today. I have been serving in it for a year. Today after 2 hours (it usually lasts 3-4 hours), I could not take it anymore and left. I usually would stick to my commitments but I did not feel like it was going interesting. And by the look of how it moved, it possibly would take longer than 4 hours today. I threw myself out and bought myself a chocolate bar or two and arrived home.

I like this – I cared about myself and prioritized my own well-being and comfort over my commitments, this time an unfruitful one. It does not happen frequently and I have just realized what a great change it is!! One of the positive outcomes of this otherwise highly stressful and hard work year.

I could be getting ready to prioritize myself over the work issues or tasks. I know this would take quite a long time – I am not naive enough to think that just like that in an hour I completely dropped the long habit of living for work and started to live my life out of work… But this is a start and I appreciate the opportunity to experience and realize it.

I could be ready. For a better personal life and self-care.

During these times I appreciate the comfort my money provides me with. I am not sorry that I spent money on cab or chocolate or some extra food to enjoy today. While I recognize the need to use my money better and save for my future, I also recognize the fact that treating myself sometimes is necessary and even better.

We all have some coping skills at the face of stress or adversity. No sure what mine are; food, cardio exercise, books, writing, or plain going through it. I miss my stretching classes but cannot attend them now because of my lower back issue I experienced few weeks before. These classes give me some kind of peace, some kind of joy. It is hard to beat, but when I start them, after a few weeks I pull a muscle and end up popping muscle relaxants and pain killers for a few days. It is strange – but there is a 100% connection between the two. Is it something I do at these classes that triggers it? I am not a superstitious person, but it crossed my mind a couple of times that maybe I am not supposed to have this relaxation and joy I experienced at these classes. This should not be interpreted as I feel like I do not deserve to feel joyful or relaxed. Rather I think whatever makes me tense serves for a purpose.

What is it?

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One of my bosses described me as “intense” may years ago. I remember it very well. I know that I can be quite reactive and say whatever comes to my mind, without being political, and can fiercely object if it is not fair, clear, or right. To me, this is a good characteristics – do you want what I really think, or do you want me to say what you want to hear? I have never been good at being political. Always objective, just, and authentic.

In many ways, I can see why people would have a problem with this. Diversity of opinions and democracy and free speech has little place in teams that are focused on certain tasks, want to get things done, or find strength in their togetherness. The committee I served today is a good example of it. Listening to diverse points of view and having discussions around topics require time. When you have around 50 discussion points on the table, naturally nobody wants to hear different opinions or discussions lasting longer than a minute or two. People want to move on and finish on time.

Maybe if I stay in this committee long enough, I would also assume a similar priority and practice – just vote what the majority votes for, keep silent, and move on. Maybe everybody else thinks that this is not the best we can do, but the best we can have. Like Churchill said about democracy. Maybe all hard-working committees are operating under a similar modus operandi – executing a plan B successfully is better than struggling for a hard-to-get plan A.

I just realized that so far in my own personal life, I settled with plan B. I did not have time or energy left, after spending most of them on work and career most of my adult life.

Perhaps this can change.

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pretty random thoughts

Is change possible?

Improvement is, but change – I am not sure.

Technically an improvement would also mean a change in something. But changing directions into an entirely different area requires more courage or some enforcement, do you not think?

After the nerve-frying episode yesterday, I am looking for job opportunities. Not that I am very interested in leaving my post right now (I have commitments for another 2 years), but I like having the option and seeing what is available out there. It gives me some kind of hope, some kind of fresh look at my life. Most importantly, it tells me that I am free.

Freedom and freedom of choice are so important. After all, if we cannot have some freedom or control over the manageable/changeable aspects of our lives, what is it about? Tell me.

Some may argue that we have limitless capacity and opportunities. I would like to think so too, but it is hard to make it an objective reality for me.

Middle age crisis may be a real thing. I have always loved what I have done until I the last few years when it started to become more toxic – obligations, responsibility, and demoralization are all too much, too burdening. I am capable of doing a lot of things, but the constant criticism and disapproval of our work or ideas make it hard to keep going. Appreciation is a great motivator and a great keeper of self-confidence. I like it here. I try to perk myself up by looking at the work I have done – it is a beautiful experience and I can objectively see that I have done a lot. This gives me at least a momentarily satisfaction and joy. But the weight of the negativity is always heavier than the positive sides.

At one hand, I fell like a failure, and on the other hand, I know that I am better than this and with the same effort, care, and energy, in a different setting I can do much more. I am thorn between accepting the status quo and changing in a way to find myself again….

Finding myself.. What a beautiful thing.. Also sad – why did I lose myself at the first place? How did I end up in this situation?

Is it a risk or an adventure to change my current work place and career? Will I have similar problems in my next place and position? Is there something wrong with me? If so, I am pretty much guaranteed to have similar experiences in the next phases of my life.

This might be one of the reasons that I still am not writing my resignation letter. I am in the process of understanding myself and figuring out whether I can do better in another place? Sometimes, some cuts are deep and the callus is hard to remove. I am looking at my inner callus and seeing what it is like. I may not like, but every experience, good or bad, help me figure it out. This is one of the silent inner wisdom I know is there. It helps me keep going.

I also know rationally that the future is brighter than this. I know everything, whatever is happening at my work place, is making me one step closer to my future self. I am very hopeful about my future and my future self. Maybe all of these are the signs that tells me this status quo is not the best for me and there is a much better future for me. However burdening these days may be, maybe these burdens are actually telling me that it is time to leave this and open a new route in my life. A new route which will be brighter, healthier, and full of opportunities and joy that I have forgotten I am entitled too.

It is strange that I am actually hopeful about the future….. But I am. I am not happy here but I fully trust the future. I may not know what to do so and how, but I know I will figure out.

Future days will tell.

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all the good things – check

• enjoying the good weather and phasing out may times, looking out of the window and the nature around my building – check

Spring is here, friends. It is here. My daffodils are coming out, sky is blue, and there is no snow on the ground. I feel different. Immensely different. Hopeful. Positive. Changing naturally. Enjoying my connection with nature.

Realizing once again that after any dark season will come the light….

They may tell me this millions of times, but unless I came to this realization myself, I would never buy it.

I like the fact that by observing nature I can in fact make reflections on life.

Priceless.

• enjoying the plants on window sill in my office – check

I have three new plants there. They are green. Their pots are nice and colourful. Just another sense of Spring and hope.

• eating apples and being grateful for it, knowing that it is healthy – check
• attending an award ceremony for a team member of mine and being incredibly proud and happy – check!

these are one of my favorite times 🙂 it is all worth it! What an honour. What an excitement 🙂

• munching on food served at the ceremony and not feeling like I must cook at home tonite – check

talking about being lazy or disliking to cook 🙂

• enjoying the warm and smooth breeze in the back yard – check
• being aware and excited about feeling good and positive – check, check, check! 🙂

 

 

 

changing for a better me, for a better time

So this past year has been hard on me – it was highly stressful; I worked long hours; I was skeptical and suspicious of my professional future; I have got my blood pressure peaked a couple of times and almost got panic attacks; I have got my self-confidence shook very very strongly; and I have mostly ignored my daily, personal, simple, and frugal life so that I can channel my energy and time to my work-related efforts and use my money to comfort myself during this hard time.

The hardship started last summer when I realized that our work-place was getting more and more toxic (mostly because of financial issues) and they were openly making comments about firing people. How demoralizing? Very indeed. I worked so hard and did so much for my work and this organization that after all of these, if we get this kind of treatments instead of appreciation, it was time to think about what to do with my future.

• This was one of the nicest things I have got out of this experience – that I was better than this and I deserved recognition by my work-place, not depreciation like they tend to favor.
• I also did not want to spend my time trying to prove myself over and over. All these years and after all I have done, what else do they want?? (they do want lots of thing, by the way. It is never enough for them).
• Most importantly, I realized that I was better than my current work-environment let me be and I was longing for developing further and reaching my personal and professional potential.
• I applied for a job, for which I did not receive any response back. But that is okay. The important thing was I had started to react to my work/position here and I was being detached from it. This was wonderful – I never thought that I would leave my current job. Great experience!
• I worked harder and on different topics, which took time and required a lot of courage. I did these. They have not yielded outputs yet, but I am hopeful and determined that they will.
• I took new roles. That meant lost of time and reading/discussions/practicing to learn new things and taking new risks. It has been tough, but I am moving on smoothly.
• I exercise new leadership roles and I am developing and discovering about myself in such roles. While this is emotionally challenging (a lot is expected from leaders and knowledge and experience together are required for effective leadership), there is so much I learn about myself that it is amazing 🙂

I also aimed to change myself.

• I realized I did not want to do what others were in fact supposed to do (my job requires a lot of this if we want things to move – sad truth is that as a project leader you shoulder a lot of the burden others should) and starting to say no. I first said no to reviewing a report, then another, and then another. I try to save my time for the things I want to deal with now.
• I raised concerns and demanded better working conditions when my work place came to me with a silly tasks to be done (which can be done by someone else pretty easily).
• I started to distance myself from the colleagues who ate up not only my time, but also my nerves with their negative, demanding, and belittling attitudes. This is one of my most significant victories….
• I started raising my voice when my friends or colleagues unfairly criticized me – they think twice now I guess. I found that generalization is very easy and people tend to do this pretty frequently. However, seeing the view from the other side is necessary to understand things better. Many people miss that. I am vocal about this now when it comes to me or my work. I won’t take unnecessary and unfounded criticism that easily.
• I say no to socials with people whom I do not wish to spend yet another minute. 
• I started to value my time, energy, well-being, professional efforts, skills, and performance more than ever (talking about confidence that my work-place was trying to diminish with the talks of firing us.. What a nice turn of self-opinion? 🙂 )
• I started to be a little bit more smart and took steps to strengthen my position in my work-place while also developing myself further. I have two positions at my union’s committees and I am not only learning about our rights as workers, but also how to support myself and other workers against any organizational or professional issues. I feel safer and well supported. And in many ways, also protected. I will continue to work in one of these committees in the coming years, which I know is very beneficial for me. It is like a shield that can defer many silly attempts on me and other vulnerable colleagues. I am loving this.
• I recently realized that I was very content and pleased with my efforts, hard-work, development, and changes. With this comes confidence and shutting down any effort to belittle me or my work. This is, my friends, priceless.

After all, this hard time is turning into a better and more pleasing experience. Like winter ending and Spring flourishing.

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early Sunday morning musings

It is a Sunday 🙂 A beautiful quiet, peaceful, and relaxing morning.

I woke up early at around 5 am – my unusual habit lately.

I am smelling, tasting, and enjoying my morning coffee;

listening to classic music which I have never listened to before (change is very good);

cooking my chickpeas meal for the day (a portion will be frozen to be eaten later);

planning things to enjoy my day (getting my tax filed would be one of them);

still enjoying the memory of saying “no” to the social yesterday and being proud of myself for that;

liking the change in me and prioritizing my own needs and wellness over others (this is not being selfish – it is being responsible and caring towards myself as I am to others, who can actually do things themselves but for some reason prefer me to do things for them).

It is a beautiful day that needs to be cherished – I hope we all are having a great Sunday 🙂

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remembering dad and a few good things

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s passing.

I remember him with his smile, sky blue eyes, nice skin, strong chin, beautiful voice, and presence. I wish things were different and we could go back and fix everything between us. I wish I could be there for him and kiss his cheeks once more. I wish I could say daddy again.

I cannot.

But I also know that he and I loved each other and we would not wish for another dad, another daughter. He showed his fatherhood and introduced us to not only life but also death, and walked through his lonely journey all by himself. Like his dad, like his mom, like his brothers. At least he was not alone.

Rest in peace dad. One day I will find you again. I promise.

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In the last few days I have been getting really tired of being annoyed by some people and my work being the most important thing in my life.

I had to have dinner with two colleagues I really dislike (!) and a third one I somehow like. I hated the idea of spending my time with the people I disliked but the night went okay, thanks to my third colleague. The two continued to annoy me during the dinner and it has come to a point that I do not want them to affect me this way anymore. I do not know why I cannot let go off their ridiculous ways, but this is what it is.  I will find additional ways to further distance myself from them. At least the benefit of this highly annoying dinner was that finally I have had it enough. It came to a point that cannot be ignored. And this is a good thing. A large part of our relationship is over.

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And I have been thinking for sometime that life has been going, I was getting older and closer to death each day, and all I was thinking about lately was how miserable, stressed, unappreciated, and financially insecure I was at work. 

One of the changes that has happened this past summer was that I did not want to dwell on small issues and rather use my time, effort, and skills for bigger issues, bigger fights, bigger good. The fact is this: I happen to find issues in anything in life (a professional curse) and dwell on them full force. The question I asked myself was whether I wanted to have a bigger professional life and deal with bigger issues taking similar time and energy, and having similar levels of irritation/stress. The answer is an easy yes. That is why I undertake a lot more this year in terms of leadership and committee work.

I have started to extend this to my personal life. This morning I was talking to my sister and I said since my social life is small, even the little social interactions, if a little annoying, annoys me big time. I said that I have decided to have a bigger life and then get annoyed if I must. Maybe I will learn one or more things. Maybe I will meet great people. Maybe I will find ways to enrich my own inner life. I know it will be better, no matter what.

As part of this, I am excited to say that I re-started my stretching/meditation classes tonite. Just like that I showed up there, purchased my plan, sat on the floor in a quiet, warm, and cozy room with others, breathed in and out, calming my mind and soothing my body. And I just felt that calming my mind was one of the most fantastic things I have ever done for myself lately.

🙂

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what matters in life most

I will be attending a funeral tomorrow for someone I knew. 

Like many of us, I have many minor things in my life and thoughts that actually do not matter most in life; work-related issues and people’s behaviors would be the top two. I stress and hurt myself over these.

What is the purpose of all these fuss that clogs our vision and prevents us from seeing what really matters in life? I do not know. Maybe we are taking it too serious. Maybe we need to secure our physical, mental, and financial well-being before we can let go or enjoy life. Maybe we are conditioned too much or scared unnecessarily? I do not know really.

Will it matter eventually? 

Soon it is gonna be two years that I have lost my dad – may he rest in peace. I had realized only after his death that in reality, one day we are alive and the next day it is done.

Thus, the question: What really matters?

• My family matters
• I matter
• Making a positive contribution to society or others matters
• Feeling good matters
• Feeling free matters
• Being hopeful matters
• Being treated with respect and fairness matters
• Feeling optimistic or in control about my future and retirement matters
• Seeing things a little bit more clearly matters
• Developing skills to know what is important and what is not, and to act or change accordingly, matters; if you have any suggestions on how to do this, please drop a line or two in the comments section

joy journal – Feb 4, 2018

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and peacefully. I had no dreams and my morning was easy and without negative thoughts crossing my mind. 

2. I am grateful for working till noon and learning some important and complex information that will be very useful tomorrow in a meeting and three other meetings the next week.

3. I am grateful for baking my sourdough and eating it warm with butter 🙂

4. I am grateful for eating fruits today.

5. I am grateful for chatting with one of my neighbours.

6. I am grateful for not working a lot in the afternoon and enjoying this freedom

7. I am grateful for listing the work I must do for each of the day of the week. I have important deadlines this week and I cannot miss any of them. This kind of lists help me a lot keeping track of things.

8. I am grateful for speaking with my family today; it was a nice and lovely talk that brought laughter to my life 🙂

9. I am grateful for getting interested in affirmations. I know that my mind listens to itself a lot and my mind usually focus on negative issues or problems. Why not the opposite? I am making an effort to read some lovely affirmations and reflect on them.

10. I am grateful for one of my colleagues not sending me their comments this morning. I feel free to move on without the need to integrate their comments in my report and the need to deal with the frustration and negative feelings their words would bring. I really dislike this person. I must exercise forgiveness to remove these feelings from my life. Or, remove this person from my life. Which one is easier?

11. I am grateful for having a safe and sound home; power to heat my home; clothes, furniture, and all other things that make my life safe ad comfortable. I surrounded myself with great items that I like or use. All is welcome in my life.

12. I am grateful for listening to the fearful voice in me during my anxious moments. Although it is hard to listen to it, it helps with extracting information that will be useful for me to prevent future events. That can be the main benefit of anxious thoughts…. So be it.

13. I am grateful for feeling free and knowing that I can do whatever I want to do!

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

1. I appreciate myself for easily having a mixture of both positive and down moments during the day. I survive it and I do not resist it
2. I appreciate myself for eating better today
3. I appreciate myself for being kind to myself
4. I appreciate myself for changing and implementing new ways to enhance my life. For example; I decided social media and news was giving me depressive thoughts – so I will limit my exposure. I will continue to say “no” to unnecessary tasks; I will continue to turn my email off at the office while working; and I will continue to let my perfectionist habit to ease while doing un-critical work. I will handle my interactions with my colleagues better too; I will keep it to professional topics while interacting with them; I will not help or listen to those negative people that drain my time and energy. I will keep thinking about how to do this better. Things will get better. This new chapter of my life, leaving things behind, and being excited about a new life experience is exciting!

 

wish for a new chapter in my life

Today was an interesting mix of feelings: I have been feeling kind of better one moment, and the next moment, feeling the same as in the last months when I was quite stressed and anxious.

In the middle of all of these “transitional” feelings, I felt like it would be so nice if I had closed this chapter in my life and open a new one; after all, thinking about what happened or did not happen would only make me feel frustrated, resentful, or anxious while thinking about how I changed and what I learnt along the process would only make me energized, freed, and hopeful.

Choice is quite clear.

Somethings will likely continue: I will still have to work hard and long hours; deal with issues and find solutions; deal with people; and deal with stress.

But I will also keep saying no to extra work; lose my perfectionist attitude on un-critical tasks; turn off my email when I need to focus; delegate some of the tasks to others; pamper myself with little indulgences (such as chocolate); be kind and supportive to myself; read inspirational or positive news and stories; and spare time for myself and my daily routine. I would also not dwell on the past issues or experiences and make my mental space less toxic and foggy.

How does this sound?

It sounds and feels great to me. I am ready to forget past feelings and replace them with a clean sheet of mental and emotional space.

I am releasing the negative thoughts about the people who gave me hardship; I am releasing the negative thoughts about myself; I am releasing the negative thoughts about life.

I am welcoming the opportunities; lovely people; success; calmness; peace; hope; and self-appreciation.

I feel like I must write these last sentences over and over to make my stubborn mind digest them 🙂 I may or may not be able to do these right away, but I know that I am moving away from negativity towards a new chapter in my life, and away from feeling like s.it to feeling stronger, determined, and hopeful 🙂

 

 

 

it can only get better from here

Life is interesting.

I was talking to a cab driver this morning who told me for an unrelated (economy-related) issue that “it cannot go worse than this; I think we hit the bottom of the rock, it can only get better from here – up“.

I believe in this and had said a similar thing to a friend about my own recent stress and struggles. Together with my experience with my friends yesterday (which helped me to actually demonstrate myself that I have had the confidence to stand up for myself), hearing this from a stranger today has helped my mind to materialize this hopeful attitude.

With these positive experiences, as another step towards making myself less stressful, I decided on an important report that it did not have to be perfect. It was already in a good shape and as such, I submitted it today. Additionally, I finished another one tonite, which will be submitted tomorrow 🙂

Two big jobs that have been on my list for weeks are now done.

Wow.

I did it.

These are the second and third imperfect (but perfectly in good condition) work that I have submitted in the last two weeks or so. What a beautiful change in how I approach my work and personal wellness. I feel relieved and happier.

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I have been hard on myself for taking the cab (rather than the bus), but I guess life has had its own way of telling me that sometime what we think as bad can actually be pretty good for us.

 

 

joy journal – Jan 24, 2018

I am calm but not necessarily in the mood. I do not even now what to write here, but I trust that as soon as I start writing it, I will find things to be grateful for. 

1. I am grateful for starting this entry for today.

2. I am grateful for feeling calm, although I have things to be angry and pissed off about. 

3. I am grateful for submitting a big report today without making it “perfect”. Under normal conditions I would have spent many more hours trying to improve it. I read my report and while I could maybe do a little bit more meticulous work, it was a very well drafted and comprehensive report. So why to stress myself more? This is such a deviation from my regular perfectionist attitude. Because of the stress of heavy work load and frustration at work, I was contemplating about leaving my perfectionist practice and taking things easier. I did it today. A new path is opening in front of me. I am proud of myself.

4. I am grateful for helping my team members by giving them a ride with cab this evening – it was a miserable weather outside and we all appreciated not walking in the rain and on the ice.

5. I am grateful for enjoying coffee and muffins with a colleague this morning and having a nice chat in between.

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

1. I appreciate myself for trusting life and still standing tall
2. I appreciate myself for working till late hours – it is counter-intuitive, but when I have too many things to do I appreciate the opportunity to have time to work on them
3. I appreciate the fact that I have left my perfectionist work attitude behind – things can get only better from here. I am changing. I have changed. I will continue to change

 

how blogging changes your life

I have been contemplating, however late it seems this year, about the changes I want to make in my life in 2018.

Then I realized I have already done quite a bit of changes and improvements that made my life abundant, easy, more self-sufficient, and satisfactory. I think I am good where I am 🙂

The majority of the changes I have made fall in the following categories: frugal life; simple life; reduced waste; and self-reliance.

Let me explain.

The need for frugal live was driven by the home-ownership that necessitated cutting costs and increasing age that require better investments so that I could handle the repair and other costs a house requires (a 100 years old house requires many) and the anxiety and uncertainty about my own future. While I was on the average pretty good in living below my means, thanks to many inspiring stories and bloggers going through the same journey I found some kind of strength and higher level of motivation. Score! 🙂 Frugal life-standards made me appreciate what I have had and the excitement coming out of finding ways to cut cost, better deals, and better financial management. As a result comes the feeling of being less dependent on material and being abundant in so many different ways.

As part of frugal choices, I also switched from automatic take of cab in the morning and the afternoon during the work days. It was a struggle alright and it still is. Bus operates only every 30 min and in our harsh Canadian winters it is not a pleasant activity to wait in an open bus stop. I still take the cab time to time when I am crunched in time or tired. But when compared to previous years, I say the reduction in my transportation cost is an impressive success.

I also walk time to time to work and from work. I am usually good at routinely walking in the afternoon. In summer time walking in the morning is also very pleasant. I feel great after walking 25-30 min and it also makes me proud of myself for having a day relying on my own abilities rather than others. It is one example of self-sufficiency and easy-peasy life style I have developed lately.

Other examples of self-sufficiency efforts are baking my own bread, making my own jams/marmalade, ad pickling. They are not only exciting activities, but I also share them with neighbours and friends, which gives me an extra level of excitement.

The frugal life also brings in reducing waste, particularly food waste. I now am very conscious about what I purchase and I also freeze food. Frozen food is very practical for me as I do not like cooking everyday and a ready meal is always appreciated, especially if they are home-made. I implemented other changes in my aim to reduce the waste. Plastic shopping bags is a good example; I mostly use my tote now. I donate my clothes and other items if they are in good conditions to prevent them from ending up in the landfill (and support people in need). I use mostly re-usable cleaning cloths rather than paper towels. I cut up old clothes (not good enough to be donated) and use them as one-time cleaning cloths. I make use of coupons, while not in great quantity, to help with my expenses. Last, I also purchase items from thrift stores that helps not only me and environment but also the people in need and the organizations that support them.

I also declutter once a year or so to identify the extra, un-wanted, or battered items, and then remove them from my office or home by dumping, donating, or re-using. Excellent activity I must say. What a relief once they are gone out of my life. Additionally, it helps me to see what I already have and make use of them and feel grateful for their presence in my life. How many times I found a pair of shoes or a piece of clothe in good condition that I could use? Blogs about decluttering was instrumental in doing this activity at a more conscious level.

When I look at all of these I kind of realize that they are all inter-connected; frugal life style is powered by decluttering and making smarter choices about expenses and needs/wants; waste and unnecessary expenses are reduced by many small acts; abundance increase by being aware and grateful; and life becomes quite easier once we realize the alternative ways to do the daily activities.

How is blogging related to all of these?

First, we by sharing our own stories and plans somehow support the others with the same interest. Second by sharing our plans, we move one step closer to implementing these plans in our lives. Third we often find new ways to enrich our lives and reach our goals; whether it is through shopping bans, or developing a hearty sourdough starter by looking at the others’ experiences.

My take on my current life style is that I in fact have done very well in reaching these aims and changing my priorities. It took me around 3 years, but I am content at where I am right now and I think this blog and blog sphere have been instrumental in it.

 

somethings do not change, others just do

Happy new year everyone!

I am in the 10th day of my paid holidays. I have done what I planned to do during this time; did not work or think about it, cleaned and decluttered my home, and interacted with my family always everyday.

One things I have not done is to reflect on 2017,  my experiences and having a closure on both the issues and the exciting developments. Each year I have done this, with some success being appreciated, sour points surfacing, and some important lessons learnt along  the way. When these doors are closed, there open doors for a fresh year ahead. Overall, it is a healthy exercise.

This does not mean that I cannot reflect right here and right now:

I have had an interesting 2017. I worked really hard especially in the last 6 months of the year, mostly from home. It stressed me but also made me create new ideas, projects, and reports. No day was wasted. I can say that I made an extraordinary effort to turn things around at my professional life. Whether they will turn out to be fruitful is to be experienced in 2018. So, there is hope there 🙂

I have become more assertive and said “no” at work a couple of times. I am looking for many such occasions in 2018, which will be an interesting experience to come. Hope I can do this well.

I have not visited my family this year, which was hard on all of us. We have differences and lack of communication when comes to certain feelings, but I am hopeful that we will continue to have more open communications in 2018. After all, there is nothing more important than my family and their well-being. I just wished I could support them better. I feel limited and incapacitated in this regard, bu who knows maybe in the new year I will be able to change things for the better. I am hopeful.

On the personal side, on the general I have done well with my finances and savings. It was a golden year. But I do not wish money to be my most important focus this year. There are people (like my family) and myself that deserve a much better appreciation and care.

I took time off and stayed in a European city for 5 days, mostly spent with working or dealing with the cold I had got at that time. It was interesting to see how I would deal with things under unusual circumstances. 

I have had my nerves fried as a result of hard-work and it has been venting out lately. So one other benefit of the holidays time off for me. I just wished it did not affect others around me, especially my family. We are trying to find a common ground on communicating better, which is very pleasing. I love my family.

And I realized how brave I was because since July I am also transitioning to gray hair. I do not like looking “that old“. This is exactly how I feel. Old. Not wise, not aged well, but old. I keep thinking “when did I passage to this age?” Life is fast if we do not stop every once a while and re-evaluate our lives and choices. I have come to this conclusion many times lately. This must be exactly what they mean by the middle age crises. I am right in the middle of it.

These being said, I am aware that a day, December 31st of each year, is not the only day that we can reflect, celebrate, appreciate, change, or improve things as we wish. 

Maybe that was the reason I have not particularly reflected this year until now.

Somethings just change by themselves. I welcome this.

Happy new year!

 

my love affair with self-sufficiency

Life is interesting.

I have never been interested in cooking or being self-sufficient.

In the last two years, however, this has change. I still do not like cooking but baking, pickling, and jamming have been awesome. I could not be more excited 🙂

Fermented food

Sourdough: I first became interested in baking bread and I now even have a sourdough starter that makes wonders every week 🙂 I have not purchased any store-made bread since May 2016. I also shared my sourdough and commercial yeast loaves with my fiends. What a joy 🙂

Kefir: I then was gifted by kefir grains within 2017 and i not only fell in love with kefir itself, but I made cheese/spread from it and even used it in baking bread 🙂 Drinking kefir makes me feel good and I know that it gives me the calcium that I need at my age in addition to many nutrients. I am very happy with it 🙂

Pickles: I did pickles before thanks to my mother, but I have never been this interested in it until recently – I love the beet and cabbage pickles I make! I think it is the benefit of living in a cold climate that the pickle lasts long without going bad and this way I always have a jar or two in my kitchen. I made three batches of beet pickles this fall enjoyed by myself and my friends 🙂

Sauerkraut: And tomorrow I will try my first ever sauerkraut! 

How about this? 

I think I am moving in the right direction 🙂

 

Jam/marmalade:

And just within the last 5-6 weeks, I started experimenting with making jam; dried fig jam first, then orange and tangerine, and today the raspberry jam/marmalade 🙂

I feel like I am doing such a great job refraining from additives and chemicals in store-bought jams/bread/pickles. I must be rightfully proud of myself and I am!

 

Sewing

Okay.. I have not been as productive as I wished, but since I purchased my lovely sewing machine last year, I have done small stuff, including lots of covers for jars and discloth/cloth for the counter and window sills. I am yet to undertake a serious project, like a blouse or a quilt, but I know when the time comes, that will happen too 🙂

 

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These are newfound interests for me and they have been enriching my life, providing me healthy and affordable food/items, and I feel increasingly “able”.

I really am excited about this change in me.

 

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an appreciation of the last 4 months

I made the final deadline of an important task yesterday and as of yesterday I am thinking “what a fantastic 4 months I have had” 🙂

It was hard, stressful, and full of personal and professional struggle, but I made it! Now, all I can reflect on it how beneficial and useful all these were.

let’s start with the beginning; we have had a fantastic summer and I walked during the day in the nature. It was very enjoyable and relaxing. I kept thinking how bright the future would be.

I made a job application out of frustration re; my work place; even though I have not heard from them, it was nice to see what I was up to. A personal and professional development opportunity indeed.

Then I took my vacation time (4 weeks ) to work at home and to get away from the meetings. I have done an enormous number of things during this summer and fall, which is such a great thing. I am very satisfied with my performance, even though I have no idea how the outcome will be. I trust life.

I made two over-seas trips (business trips) and have had interesting experiences. I was so focused on working that I missed many opportunities to enjoy my life, but now I just laugh at my naive-ness 🙂

I have dealt with serious and difficult tasks, one particularly very challenging. It dragged me down, made me suspect my abilities and made me lose precious time. But I made it, however imperfect it was. And I learnt about myself a long the way; I learnt that I do not quit when it is important for me. Something that I respect myself for. This experience also made me realize that I pull through difficult times, no matter what, and I can do this again!

In between all of these, I also decided to transition to gray hair, and boy, have I got the most challenging time! I hated my hair, felt old and lost, but kept going anyways. I am more brave than I think I was. What better feeling than this?

I have learnt that I can take risks and not be scared of them or failing. I learnt that I am stronger than I think I was and this feels great.

I have had a wonderful 4 months and now that it passed, I can reflect and realize.

I love this opportunity to learn about myself, changing as a person and as a professional, and undertaking more serious tasks and experiences.

Life is good my friends 🙂

 

 

The second day of the “work” staycation

Today went well too; worked more or less without much of a distraction and it felt good to be able to do this.

My anxiety levels are still high, though, and unless I find a way to reduce it, I am afraid it may escalate. So I will be making a good effort to go back to my routine tomorrow; thank goodness it is Saturday tomorrow and I will fill it up with my regular activities, such as cleaning the house, picking up milk from a store, doing laundry, preparing my sourdough for over night rise, and speaking with my family. I must also clean up the yard and pick the weeds and other unnecessary life forms. I never knew how much I would appreciate my daily (and often times boring) highly structured life-style.

I am familiar with anxiety accompanied with shallow breathing and the feeling of being scared of something, someone, a thought. I try to not resist but rather relax into it and mediate the situation with some meditative music and focusing on the positives; I have a great family who supports me; I am doing great work; my home and yard are at a much better shape than last year; I keep budgeting and living frugally; I try to find joy and happiness in little things; there is a wonderful weather outside; I was able to keep my window open the whole day and have fresh air inside; I have good friends who are happy to socialize with me and help me if needed; I have usually a great job that provides me with more than enough money (even though it also makes me feel inadequate – the main reason of my latest anxiety boot).

I feel angry at the conditions that limits me at work and my performance; i am angry at the funding situation for our projects; I am angry at the endless competition we undergo to achieve something; I am angry at the economy; I am angry at myself for not saying “no” more often and often ending up doing other peoples’ works. I am angry at myself for not focusing on the positive and the big picture we call life, rather than all the little antsy bitsy things that I let to annoy me.

I want to feel good and I know that as long as I have this wish, this anxiety will not go anywhere. Wishing to feel good by running away from what I am experiencing is a form of resistance that makes things worse. It is so counter intuitive. I know there are things that I will change and improve as a result of this experience. I just do not know what they are.

The best remedy for anxiety is to trust the unknown. I need to trust to life, the universe if you will, people around me, and more importantly, myself. I may fail at work according to my own or others’ criteria, I know I will get up being better and stronger out of this hurdle. Maybe I will turn things around by being a little bit more smart in protecting my own time and energy, a little bit more lucky, or by changing my own attitude towards myself, my life, my work, my colleagues, my hopes, and my failures. 

I know all of these. 

Now it is time to believe in them.

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gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/cute-happy-gif-KiywA7wHlHgvC;https://giphy.com/gifs/love-penguin-believe-in-yourself-nwyqBwP65XCAU

appliying for a job

I am feeling optimistic nowadays, which is awesome.

You know what I will do soon? I will apply for a job that I thought was suitable to me and is meaningful and challenging at the same time. 

I had saved the link to this job ad for some time and today I started drafting the application letter. 

I am not 100% sure that this is what I want to do; maybe things would change here and I would feel better with some change/some people leaving. But then maybe the fiscal situation would only go worse, and with that many other things like the way we run our organization, our work-loads, and the pressure on us – who knows? Seriously.

I feel obliged to trainees that I have recruited and believe that they are the only thing that can keep me here even if they offered me the said job opportunity….. Or, maybe I would talk to them and get them new places within the institution so that I could free myself from them and leave for the new job… I do not know.

This is an example of classical dilemma of being responsible for others versus being responsible for yourself – you can never know which one is better and always feel selfish if you choose to be responsible towards yourself, even though your primary responsibility is your own well being and happiness. Right?

Right…

Seriously – what if I am offered this job and also like what they get to offer and decide to leave my position here? How soon can I leave here? Would I really do this? How would I do this? Oh, boy – it must be a really great job to be able to leave my job here…. Unless of course, something awful occurs on top of everything and acts as the last drop to help me end my bond with (and suffering) here…

I know it is too early to think about all of these because I did not even apply yet and there is no guarantee that I will be even selected for an interview, let alone be offered the job, but I cannot keep trying myself with the future possibilities. It is good to know that I still have some kind of faith for my current work-place, care about my team members, and am hopeful that a positive change can occur. At the same time I should also be cautious about the possibility of issues increasing over time and the low self-esteem this position/institution left in me.

I think I will go and make this application mostly because I am eager to know whether I can get this great job. If I cannot get it, I will not get lost, but if I get it, then my confidence will be higher.

It is worth it.

 

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/animals-being-jerks-YqdWzX5r6SYZW;https://giphy.com/gifs/body-positivity-ashley-graham-posi-l0HlH3PTYdqBNOks8

Sunday morning musings

It is a great day with the freedom to do nothing and everything 🙂

I used this sentence first yesterday and I kinda liked it – so please ignore it if it bothers you. It just reminds me my own freedom. For a control freak and someone like myself who has a lot of things on her to-do-list, that is a great feeling:)

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I am drinking the first cups of my morning coffee and looking ahead the day:  I have a bean meal to cook (started already); a sourdough loaf to bake (proving right now); a yard to dig and fix somehow; loved ones to speak to; and mentally work on the problem of “what is best for my future self“:

 

1) is it staying at my current job and job environment, and aiming to change my mind set so that I can feel good about myself no matter how negative or problematic the work is?

Can I really relax, lower my expectations from myself, adapt a new attitude, care less, and become more self-confident and just make things happen – if they can happen? 

Not sure, but I sure can try….I am quite aware that my self-confidence is quite low. This is mostly because of myself and the expectations I have from myself. Certainly, it does not help when you self-critique yourself all the time…. Please do not do that, friends; it is good to be aware of yourself, but please be not rigid in your thinking about yourself and others. You change; people change. I too can change. I just do not know how to handle that…

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2) is it taking the risk or opportunity (depends on where you are looking from), and looking for jobs aggressively?

Assuming that I find a new job that I am content with; 

Am I ready to make this change mentally and physically? Yes, I am. I have done this before – I can do it gain.

Can I move to another city? Yes I can – I have done this many times in the past. packing and getting rid of stuff is a head ache, but it happens eventually. The worst thing would be to ask a couple of friends or contract persons to rent a truck and deliver the stuff to a donation centre.

Can I sell my house? hey, yes I guess so. Also, keeping it and renting is another option, is it not?

Can I leave my team at work? That is gonna be tough….. They trust me that I look after them and advance their work and careers. They trusted me and relocated here….. So it is really tough. I am kind of thinking that we can find better jobs for them; at least we can try. And if not, look for alternative ways. I am sure it is gonna be just fine….

Can I leave my position, salary, benefits, office? Yes, if I can get a comparable one somewhere else.

Will I change? the way I look at my work, performance, and my expectations from myself; will I find myself in a similar situation in the new job too?  This is even a tougher situation for me…… I am not confident that I can be fully happy with my new job, either. I feel like I may end up feeling a similar way; lack of self-esteem may take over again. what will I do then? Start looking for another job? How will it affect me now that I am middle aged?

How will it feel to start a new chapter in my life? Energizing and exciting! It will be great to get rid of the garbage off my shoulders and put my chin up with positivity, fresh air, and hope!

But, if I do not make this change, do I have a chance to change? Do I have to get a new job for these:

• to have a better look at life 
• to have better interests and better value to my work?
• to make positive changes for myself and others
• to feel good about myself

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And, most importantly; what is it that I really want? To change myself or to change my work?

Is it about changing what I see or how I see what I see?

 

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/national-coffee-day-brIC5x5aSSzWU;https://giphy.com/gifs/kurt-hummel-rachel-berry-mercedes-jones-1IC4eV0EXnzVK;https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-dancing-yeah-HOTfzC3IjaJxK

Spring plans

I used to have posts about the things I would like to change or implement in my life. The majority of the time they did work really well and I have implemented them in my life. I do not think I have done this for some time. So let’s roll again 🙂

1. Eat at least 10 food that I have not eaten in the last one week. I keep eating the same things over and over; apple, tomato, onion, herbs, milk, yogurt, beans, cheese, and eggs are the regularly consumed food. While they are more or less healthy, I am afraid I am missing the opportunity to benefit from other veggies/fruits/dry food. In the past whenever I recognized this, I aimed every week to purchase and eat at least 6 different things that I have not eaten within the last week. This time I would like to increase this to 10 so that I can challenge myself (always fun!).

2. Consume the pantry food that are older than a year. I know what they are; rice, bulghur, and wild rice. I am not into rice that much, but I can make an effort to consume more of it. I will get creative with the others. It will be great to use them up so that I can get fresh ones 🙂

3. Thrift shop for blouses and shirts for a renewed wardrobe this Spring :).  I want to budget 50 bucks to keep visiting the thrift stores and buy blouses and shirts. I am happy with my latest purchases and I have been meaning to renew my shirts for some time (many of them have been in use for at least one year). Change is always good and I am discovering that certain styles are fitting me well. It is exciting 🙂

4. Declutter the wardrobe. After I purchase new tops, I want to remove from my wardrobe those that I do not wish to wear; some can be modified (I hope I can make this with my sewing machine),  donate (those that are in good shape), or dump (those that are old and battered). Since this has been a wish of mine for so long, I think it will feel awesome 🙂

5. Clean the yard and plant veggies/seeds. I do not know how the previous owners managed, but the yard is uneven which requires me to fix it. Also there are broken glass bottle and plate pieces everywhere. I cleaned quite a bit in the past but this year I want to do a better job. I also want to grow herbs and other veggies. Spring is almost here, so I can be busy working at the yard the next few months.

6. Lose another 10 pounds. I managed to lose 15 pounds in Fall. I gained 5 pounds back but I am still keen about losing a little bit more of fat. I know morning walks from home to office as well as eating lots of raw veggies and not eating after 8 pm coincided with my weight loss. So I am interested in replicating these behavior and hope that I can lose another 10 pounds 🙂

7. Drink more tea and reduce coffee consumption. I increased my coffee consumption too much. This coincided with me having my weekend breakfast at home rather than at a cafe. I drink around 6 cups of coffee per day now, which does not sound good to me. I do not experience physiological problems like palpitations, but nothing of too much can be good. So from tomorrow on I will focus on drinking 3 cups of coffee per day at most. The rest of the time I can drink tea. Good plan 🙂

8. Get a new hobby or activity that I do not usually do. Whether it is a sitting meditation or hiking the trails, I do not know.  I have read somewhere about “nature bathing” or something like that. Basically it means sitting in a park or around trees, and exposing our body and mind to the natural beauty and freshness around us. I am looking forward to finding a park and doing this this summer.

9. Surprise myself :). I would like to surprise myself by doing things that I would not normally do. I believe this would help me break my routine habits, or see things differently. No idea how I could do this but having it in the list means I will revisit the idea time to time. Who knows maybe I could come up with something interesting 🙂

10. Sew. I could not focus on sewing yet……. I have the machine, notions and fabric, so all I need is a new project that will help me get excited. Ideas?

random thougths

It is Friday 🙂

This week has passed pretty fast and I did not get tired. That means I am planning to go back to the office, hopefully tomorrow and take care of some stuff. That does not happen to me frequently, but when I feel like working at the office at a weekend, it usually indicates my eagerness to finish something without getting stressed. So it is a good thing 🙂

Tonite I am listening to Amy Winehouse – Back to Black.

It somehow saddens me to see her singing in this video, knowing that she has passed away. What a strong voice, what a vulnerable person. The video clip is so openly about death that it heightens my sadness somehow – did she ever think about her death while shooting this video, while singing this song? Does anything that mattered to her when she was alive matter right now?

The answer is a clear no.

So, why do I keep get upset about the tinniest s.it? I am particularly agitable about someone at work the last few weeks. I want to get rid of this annoyance, these silly thoughts. I want to enjoy my moment and cherish everything I am grateful for. Yet, when was the last time I wrote my joy journal?  I increasingly believe that it is only the human nature to be engulfed in the little issues in the absence of apparently bigger issues.. Maybe I should be grateful that I have such small issues at the centre of my life right now.

……

The last two months have passed very fast…. I cannot put my finger on why. It is not like I was amazingly busy at work or out of work. It is strange. I wanted to live and be mindful of each day. Yet here I am at the beginning of March looking back two months and I cannot identify anything notable that happened in the last 60 something day… Strange.. Weird..

Something needs to change, I guess. First thing first is to find new projects at work and at personal life. It is boring to keep thinking and doing the same thing, going to the same places/stores, and buying the same types of food.

Where is my adventurous spirit?

Where is the curiosity? Once it was continuous. Now it is hard to find fast….

Please do not tell me that I just got old.

wish for a better future

I wake up early this morning with lots of thoughts an annoyance in my mind. As being a regular night bird, the early morning hours of course are interesting for me. There is little sound, it is peaceful, but I just do not know what to do as it does not fit my routine. Maybe I will go out to get a cup of coffee.

Since I do not like how I feel (e.g. pressure, not feeling good about myself or others, stress, etc.) I am looking for the causes of these feelings and then to remove them from my life. I decided that perhaps I was too ambitious. perhaps my comfort zone was better for me; where daily life goes on good and without event, I have a routine and it works, and work goes satisfactory.

This kind of a life and serenity leave room for energy and efforts to do better in all aspects of life. I realized I have been pushing my efforts towards the work, but not necessarily my personal life.

I imagined this morning how my future would be and I kind of get scared.

Honestly I have no idea how my future looks. It is blank.

It is likely that I will end up being alone in my old age, possibly need social and medical care, and will need financial security to help being cared.

I am doing my best to ensure my financial future – as long as I keep my work, I am okay.

I should, however, get a healthier life-style; from diet to exercise to better everything. That is a must.

Seeing the future as blank….This was a scary thought at the beginning but then blank can be actually good. Why do I not try to make it better then? Fill with a better life, emotions, memories, joy, and health?

Work is one part of my life and it is time that it takes a much less space in my mind and leaves more room for my own well being and function as a human.

sometimes it is the right time to change

Sometimes we force ourselves to change, and sometimes it just feels right or good to do so.

The first one is enforced and is usually against some wishes/priorities. Thus, it is not an easy one. I like the latter – it comes naturally without negative emotions attached to it. The only disadvantage is I never know the timing as it is also spontaneous. In the last 24 hours, I enjoyed this type of changes.

First; since I started thinking about adopting a cat, I have been reading lots of blogs and watching youtube videos every night. Eventually, I got tired of it and decided to remove the cat-related tags that I follow from my blog’s main page. I have done this today and I feel good about it. I will also remove bookmarked sites tonite.

Second; yesterday I had a look at the blogs I followed and unfollowed around 30 blogs that either had not posted in at least 6 months, or their scope was no longer one of my interests. I am not saying that there was something wrong about these blogs – absolutely not. But they did not contribute to enriching my life and as such I needed to let them go and open space for new ones, new interest, and new bloggers.

I am just curious now what these new topics could be 🙂

so it has been 2 years blogging…

So it has been two years that I started this blog??

Wow!

Time has truly flied.

I started this blog to keep my mind busy with something new so that I could heal my heart break. I was not interested in neither writing nor reading blogs.

At first, of course…

Then, things have changed.

I started to be brave and enjoy putting in words whatever came to my mind. I wrote my first poetry here; often without editing or revising, and in my second language. A couple of them turned out to be good. Surprising…. I write my joy journal here. My humble lazy recipes. My daily ordeals and baking adventures. My struggles with issues, work, unhappiness, and loss of dead ones, to count a few. Over time, I opened more and more about myself, my inner world, and my life – I never thought I would in a virtual world. What a blessing and freeing opportunity.

I also started to enjoy reading others’ blogs and learning from them; the pain, love, excitement, and issues of people out there; I come to realize once more that we all were more or less the same. I thought and reflected a lot. I still do.

I met with wonderful people here; supportive, smart, sincere, genuine, and lovely. I found myself in a community – a virtual but nevertheless real community.

The recipes made my day; even though I did not like cooking. I sure tried many bread recipes posted here, though.

I did my most frequent decluttering activities, thanks to many bloggers here that inspired me with their efforts, plans, and wisdom.

I got many useful tips about budgeting, saving, and financial health. Some of them I implemented in my own financial life.

I learnt about others’ suffering, like sickness or treatment. I developed empathy as a result.

I learnt things that I had never thought before; like minimalism, homesteading.

I learnt about myself; not only by blogging but also by interacting with other fellow bloggers.

Blogging, in a sense, has changed me and my life next to my family, friends, unfortunate life events, and career.

I never thought it would.

I am mesmerized….

And hugely grateful….

post-vacation resolutions

Well.. It is kind of a tradition with me that whenever I am away from my routine life I almost always make some resolutions to work on. Never mind the success rate (ahem… very similar to new year’s resolutions..), but it is nevertheless exciting to come up with plans. They are focused around “cleaning”, “clearing”, and “change” this time. Interesting….

Here are my current resolutions:

1. Losing weight. This has been on my list for ever…

I want to do this because of health reasons as well as to feel good about myself. This time surprisingly I have not gained weight while I was vacationing at home, even though I literally munched on everything I could get my hands on, especially my mom’s food! 🙂 Very surprising but also highly welcomed fact 🙂

I am very happy about this and motivated to lose some more (I had lost 10 pounds prior to my vacation only because I was working like a worker ant for 6 weeks or so). Good job me!

My aim is to keep doing whatever I am doing (it is mostly not eating at nights – I stopped seeing it as a way of rewarding myself) and to lose an additional 15 more pounds. This will put me back at my weight 8 years ago, which is really cool 🙂 I have so many nice clothes from those times (yep – I kept them and did not give away/donate… shame… 🙂 )

2. Decluttering and getting rid of everything that I react negatively to. While I was on vacation I have realized why I do not enjoy buying gifts for people and rather prefer to give them what they may like (if they are open about it) or the gift cards. The problem with gifts is that when I am given gifts, I cherish and appreciate them so much (the sentimental value is really high) that I keep keeping them with me forever! this is not a problem if the gifted item was something I needed or something I really loved, but honestly there are things that do not satisfy either of these requirements. Plus, some of the gifts are from people whom I really do not like much, so seeing their gifts reminds me them, and as such I get agitated once again for no good reason.

I want to have only those things around that I need or want. Thus, together with the fact that it has been sometime that I have decluttered my home, I have decided to start a new haul pretty soon.

I will  find a way to re-use things, like old shirts can be used as cleaning clothes.

Or they can be modified in way that makes them usable. For example, I have a nice shirt which has a somehow wide neck. I am planning to work on it  (i.e. tighten it a little bit) so that I can comfortably wear, rather than checking and correcting the neck part every single minute.

Unwanted items that are in good shape can be donated.

And those that I have been keeping for years because I was thinking that I would need them, like some of my shoes and boots, that just take up space without providing anything back, can be dumped (finally….). So can be all the stuff that are given to my by toxic people or those that remind me toxic experiences – they all will go.

Yuppi!!!

Exciting 🙂

3. Change the living environment. I think it is time that I re-arrange the furniture, especially at the bedroom so that it can feel “different”. I also have got new couch covers, which will help me to change the look of the living room. The table clothe will change as well with a new and lovely one. The towels gotta go as they they have been incredibly sturdy and of good quality but that meant that I have had to use them for years!!!! It would be lovely to have new ones, at least for some time.

4. Paying attention to my attire. I have a tendency to not care what I wear. This does not mean that I wear old or bad stuff. But honestly I can look better and feel better too. Today, I wore a new shirt I bought last week and I felt really good in that shirt. I also noticed how different I felt…. I have no logical explanation why this effect has occurred, but I decided I did not need to know everything and I could continue to wear things that I love and feel good. Whether they are shoes or clothes, does not matter.

So be it 🙂

I will be checking all my clothes soon and use those that I like but did not use for sometime, or go for a shopping spree (no worries – I will be frugal) 🙂

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Clean, clear, and change. I guess this is a good plan.

I hope to be successful with this plan! Wish me luck 🙂

 

breaking the routine – April 16, 2016

This morning, I surprised myself by, instead of going to the same cafe for the same breakfast, going to another cafe 20 min away on foot. I think my mind was busy with thoughts and my feet just started walking towards another direction. When I noticed that I smiled and took this opportunity to visit a cafe I have not been to for some time.

Breakfast (consisting of my regular coffee and bagel combo) was not the best, but I appreciated the change of place. From there, I visited the bookstore and immediately liked and purchased a book about abundance. I then sat at another cafe next to the bookstore, ordered myself a cup of nice coffee, and started reading my book.

After, I decided to visit a local store or two to buy some food. I am particularly excited about the beef bones that I bought and that make awesome soup base/stock! Cannot wait to consume them.

It was a great morning and a great change of routine for me. Nothing feels better when you break the routine, stop doing the same things and visiting the same places.

It was long overdue for me and I was feeling the weight of the boredom lately. I am glad my feet drove me to another direction this morning and I am glad the weather was nice and I had a thin french-coat on me rather than the winter coat, which made walking not only easy but also pleasurable.

have a great Saturday everyone! 🙂

random thoughts

Another beautiful day 🙂

It is a little bit crispy when compared to yesterday but there is no snow around and walking and being outside is quite a pleasant experience.

I have got breakfast at a cafe and then walked around the streets. One of the streets is where I used to live prior to buying my own house. I had forgotten what a beautiful street it was. The majority of the houses on that street are quite old and they preserve their character. I love this – I love old neighborhoods and the efforts to keep them as they are. Some of the houses, however, were not managed well and seemed in immediate need of renovation. It breaks my heart to see them like this. After all, what we have is a part of our heritage and it is our duty to preserve it for the next generations – let’s hope they will appreciate these as much as we (or some of us) do.

It is also a quiet street and I made a mental note to walk more there. Since it was a pleasure to be in the neighborhood, I stopped by at another cafe I used to frequently go when I lived in that neighborhood. This must the first time I have been to two different cafe at the same morning 🙂 I liked this change and breaking my routine for no reason and with no plan.

It is great to be spontaneous 🙂

 

 

 

random thoughts

What a beautiful day; crispy but sunny 🙂

I have a good mood mostly because I have had a great work day today; I have had 5 different meetings but all went very well. Also after I came home from the office, I took care of a document which was lagging at my hands. I always feel awesome after my procrastination ends 🙂 During the day, I also started to take care of another big work related issue; once I started and if I do not lose my speed, I know I will progress this one, too.

Considering how much I have been beating up myself for not working efficiently lately, this improvement in my performance is an exciting one. I am not sure what contributes to this, but I am glad it is happening.

I must tell you one thing: changing the furniture around my home last weekend has had a positive change in my mood. I keep telling myself how great and peaceful the new couch/seating area feels. I have been contemplating about it yesterday night and I am kind of thinking this set the positive mood for today. Could not be more appreciative 🙂

have a great night everyone! 🙂

change of the day

While I happen to have a quite simple life, I realized lately that there were still somethings that need to change.

Partly because of the overwhelming feelings lately, the need for change, and my usual laziness :), I have finally today re-arranged the furniture at my home.

The new arrangement is not the best but it gives me a sense of change; my couch is now closer to the beginning of the house and TV/study, rather than being at the back; that changes my perspective and the way I enjoy my house.

I also changed the covers of the couch; previously I had two pieces of covers that were doing an amazing job protecting the fabric from my ink (I use pen a lot and everywhere I sit eventually gets the inks stain) and keeping me warm in this cool environment, yet these covers needed to be straightened up everyday after I sit on the couch. What a silly way to feel like “I have one more thing to do” and waste my emotions, energy, and time on. Now I have one large cover that is also of a great color. This change not only makes my life easier but also energizes me and my home.

I also changed the way my bed was in my bedroom; now it is lining up with another wall in my room. I will be able to get more sunshine in the mornings with this arrangement; this I hope will help me wake up easier in the mornings. I am interested to see how it will feel in the morning.. I hope it will also help me get rid of the thought of “everything is the same”…

I am loving what I have done today; it took time and at one point I was not sure how to fix everything, but now it is done. I am proud of myself and excited at the same time about this change.

cheers 🙂

 

PS; you may ask what my usual laziness have got to do with rearranging the furniture. Changing the covers was motivated by my laziness 🙂 rather than the need for change in the scenery.

sometimes it is okay to sink

Sometimes it is okay to sink down…

I have been feeling too much pressure in my life lately, feeling like I have to much to do and too little time or energy. My eating is not great, I am not losing weight at all (despite my efforts since september), my budget is more or less alright but I am opening the purse more liberally nowadays, I was not able to remove one last unnecessary expense from my life for years, my mind is overwhelmed by the things I need to do, things I want to do, and things others expect from me.

The end result is constant struggle, loss of confidence and lack of satisfaction with myself and with my performance, followed by indifference to the wishes and plans for good things, good habits, and good experiences for myself.

While I was going in the direction of my aims previously, now I am not. I not only stopped going towards them. Worse. I started walking the opposite direction along the path, towards the beginning.

Is this not annoying?

Yes, it is.

I feel like I am wasting all the good things I have done for myself (such as unhealthy eating habits harming my body or the unnecessary expenses decreasing my savings). I am also missing good opportunities at work as I am not able to finish things on time and I am certainly not efficient.

I deserve better than living and working with low performance and constant mental struggle.

I feel like the time for shattering certain patterns or re-constructing my plans/wishes/priorities is coming.

I feel like maybe I should stop for a couple of days; no work, no blogging, no whatever I do every single day, and work on myself. Listen to myself. Clarify things. Clear the mud. See through. Identify what it is that I need to realize, change, work on, remove, or include in me. In my life.

I feel that it is gonna be hard turn. Something will drastically change. I will have to make a choice or two.

I remind myself that there is always somewhere to go along the journeys; if I feel like I sank to the bottom, then it cannot get worse than it; from there all I can do is to go up next.

Better days will come.

random thoughts

I am getting back to feeling very cranky and energyless in the mornings.

I do not know why this is happening, whether it has got something to do with the chilly or gray weather.

I was feeling better in the summer and following my family visit. Now, in the last few days getting up has been a difficult thing for me, something that I do not enjoy; the thoughts that go through my mind this morning was “how boring it is; now I will do the same things again; use the bathroom, put on the clothes, put on the makeup, go down, contemplate about walking, taking the bus or the cab, feel bad about the idea of walking or waiting at the bus stop even though after these I will feel quite good about myself, or take the cab and feel pampered but will lack the feeling of accomplishment coming from walking or taking the bus..”.

I cannot be excited or joyful in the mornings. I feel late to the office should I take the bus or walk, only because I cannot get up early in the morning. I am tired of this mental judo every morning.

Where am I going like this?

This feeling I have in the mornings is not fun.

I am fed up doing the same things and then get bored.

I am in need of changing a number of things, including my morning routine.

I am planing to change the organization of the furniture in the bedroom to get some kind of change – let’s see whether it will be helpful.

I may want to invest in a radio in my bedroom to listen to it in the morning – maybe it will lift my mood.

I know affirmations or taking some time at home prior to going to the office may change my mood, but I really cannot see myself doing this. Unless I get up early.

And I know if I go to bed early, I can get up early, too and I may feel less pressurized to arrive to the office as early as possible.

I do not know what will work better.

But I know I am fed up of this feeling.

hope

Considering all the negative things happen in our lives and the people, ideas, and concepts we care about, it is normal to feel depressed and down time to time.

Things and conditions change all the time; some changes are irreversible, such as loss of a loved one.. But others can. The bad circumstances can change, the bad people/politicians/bosses/work place/relationships/financial hardship are all subject to change, however little or profound their effect is, however prolonged they are, they will change.

It may be hard to see this at the onset of hardship, at the onset of down time.

But days change so do the circumstances.

An hour is followed by another hour.

A season is followed by the other.

A year passes and a new one comes.

Have hope that this will happen. Have hope that things may turn around. Have hope that you will see it.

It is easy to accept things as they are when we think they cannot change. Have hope that even though we cannot directly do the change, other people, other circumstances can. A boss may be relocated, retire, or fired, for example. New lives emerge and enrich our lives. The influence and power of someone or some entity can be replaced by another, hopefully better one.

At the dawn of the hardship, try to remember that hope for change and improvement is the biggest asset. When we have hope, we have a wider vision. When we have hope, we can gather forces together. When we have hope, we can breathe together. When we hope, we can have further hope.

Life is interesting and change is constant. I know it sounds like a cliche but I see reality in it. Have hope that these days will pass. Have hope that the circumstances will change. Have hope that something, either in our power or not, may happen and improve it.

how am I doing with the challenges I have assigned to myself a while ago?

I am too talkative today… I know.. I know… Hope you do not mind! Having a day to myself without working or house chore is really a blessing – it allows me to learn and do new stuff and get excited about the new useful information.

This post is a continuation of a few number of previous posts where I wrote about the changes I would like to do in my life; some of them good for my budget, some good for my mental or physical health. I revisit them time to time to see how I have done since the last time. I also update them, too, and create new challenges for myself.

so let’s see how I have done so far:

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challenge 1: take the bus (not the cab). It was done then!. I am even better since then; I started to walk in the morning from home to office in the last 3 weeks! I am so excited about this and happy to see that I have the energy to do so and open-heartedness to truly enjoy it. I am not sure how long I can keep doing that as the old man winter is about to arrive and it also rains time to time. Let’s cross the fingers 🙂

challenge 2: eat better and healthy – cut out the carbs and consume more veggies and fruits. DONE. I am eating much better compared to before 🙂

challenge 3: walk an extra 30 min at the weekends. NOT DONE – NEED A PLAN.

challenge 4: do not buy books for two months. DONE! 🙂 I have a shopping freeze till holidays and it has been going really well, I am okay with occasional purchase of a great book.

challenge 5: cut out the bagel breakfast- one bagel/breakfast. DONE!

challenge 6: do grocery shopping as required and buy small amounts. Going well. DONE! 🙂 

challenge 7: start listening to music and relaxing 20 min a day; this is done easily now thanks to my computer and youtube/internet sources. DONE! 🙂 

challenge 8: drink at least one cup of tea a day. I easily and lovingly do this during the week. DONE! 🙂 

challenge 9: get up in the morning and smile to yourself and hum a song. well, remembered to do only a few times. NEED MOTIVATION AGAIN.

PLAN: just remember this challenge; the rest will come 🙂

challenge 10: look outside the window at the office three times a day – enjoy the view and relax. Going well. DONE! 🙂 

challenge 11: record the progress in these areas in breaking the routine or joy journal categories. Not necessarily in these pages, but I kept posting them somewhere in this blog, good job 🙂 Going well. DONE! 🙂 

challenge 12: increase the contribution made to the RRSP account. NOT DONE yet but now that my chequing account has a positive balance, I am getting closer to implement it. I am planning to increase it in the new year by cutting out some expenses- exciting!

challenge 13: during the day remember to smile.  NEED MOTIVATION AGAIN.

PLAN:  just remember this challenge; the rest will come 🙂

challenge 14: lose 15 pounds in two months – record weight and food consumed every day. PARTIALLY DONE. I have been on a healthy – life style mission in the last 7 weeks; all I have lost is around 6-7 pounds. It is going slower than I had expected, but at least it is happening. So I am happy with it 🙂

challenge 15: stick to the plans – I have done these before and I can do it again. ALMOST DONE 🙂 keep going.

challenge 16: comb the hair everyday. I do not need that anymore – have the hair cut short. Yay! But i can easily change this into a new challenge for my short hair; dye the hair every month but every 6 months, get it dyed in a saloon to get a better treatment.

challenge 17: spare 5 min every day to breathe – just to breathe. NOT DONE. I am re-introducing this challenge again. I will start doing this today – it is always relaxing.

challenge 18: apply sunscreen every morning. NOT DONE…NOT APPLICABLE ANYMORE (summer is gone)

challenge 19: apply moisturiser every night. NOT DONE…. It is such a nourishing activity. I should start it now that winter is coming, my skin feels dry.

challenge 20: every week, eat two different food from last week – whether veggies or fruits or others. Change the brands or types of canned food or others I regularly consume. I have been consuming canned beans and others rarely since I started my healthy eating plan. In terms of variety, yes I need to do that and started with it this week – good job 🙂

challenge 21: take the stairs at the office (2 storeys) at least twice a week. NEED MOTIVATION AGAIN.

challenge 22: write the joy journal every day; no matter how dry or repeating it may feel.  I do not write it every day – NEED ADJUSTMENT. The primary reason is I keep blogging about many other topics and it does not leave much time to write my joy journal. nevertheless, all is well and I will keep writing it 😉

challenge 23: have a budget, write down all expenses in each category, do not over-spend the weekly allowance, save as much as you can. DONE!  I am certainly spending less than before and more consciously. I even managed to bring my chequing account to a positive balance. My credit card and cable fees are also down. I am taking advantage of the sales and discounts and I am very abundant. I am proud of my efforts. Yay! 🙂

challenge 24: continue to declutter the home and donate the usable items. DONE! I still need to get rid of the VHSs and CDs, but I have donated my clothes and a large number of books a couple of months ago – feeling good 🙂

challenge 25 (new challenge): learn ways to minimize food waste. I have started this; even though my waste in the past was limited, my aim is to completely prevent it. I will keep reading blogs and websites, get ideas, and implement them as appropriate.

challenge 26 (new challenge): Stretch your body every day and start with light weight lifting activities. Even better, start the gym at the work place to do some free weight exercises. I should be doing these. As soon as I am done with my trips, I will start my free weight training; my plan is to do it twice a week; mondays and fridays. Once I start, I am sure I will be hooked as weights are always fun to work with 🙂

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It is so satisfying to see that I have been noting down the beneficial changes I would like to make in my life and seeing that the majority has been implemented. The flexibility to adjust them and to add new ones, as well as this checks I do time to time help me tuned in and motivated to keep going. Overall, this has been one of my most valuable experiences 🙂

a change is an opportunity to change something else

You know I will have a couple of trips this month, which really excites me.

Mostly because I love traveling, seeing other places, and people. Leaving things behind, even for a short term, is a great freedom and the fact that I will also break my overly-routine daily life, I have extra bonuses that add up to my excitement 🙂

Breaking the routine is a great thing as doing the same things, eating the same food, going to the same places for coffee, like a robot every single day is such a boring thing. Do not get me wrong, it is also very useful as it makes life organized and going on smoothly. Finding a balance between the usefulness and boredom is what the challenge is. I have good efforts to break my routine, which I am determined to continue 🙂

Anyways; there is one or two things I would like to remove from my daily life (unhealthy and unnecessarily expensive habits). I have been thinking about them, planning and putting in effort for some time, yet I was not so far able to fully get rid of them. I have confidence that I am capable of doing these changes, but I always find an excuse not to and it is tiring really.

So, I am trying to make my mind, get really determined to make these changes at the same time with my trips; I believe the change of environment and daily routine will help me forget my routine here (that also contains these habits) when I come back. So, this may be in fact a great opportunity for me to achieve these changes.

While logically I fully agree that this can work and it is for my best interests, I am emotionally still hesitant. I feel like I need to focus more on this, write and think about it so that I can really implement these changes. In other words, I feel the need to convince myself further.

Wish me luck in this journey 🙂

breaking the routine – September 1, 2015

I have a peculiar preference for apples – I like Golden delicious and Mcintosh most. Others, I am not really into that much and would not even buy.

Or….. that is what  used to think.

I bought a nice bag of mcinstosh two weeks ago. It was delicious as usual but at the weekend I have found two small caterpillar-like things in the tray that holds the apples. I not only immediately dumped the apples (an the creatures), but also developed a dislike for mcintosh apples.

So this week I was shopping and there was no Golden delicious. Knowing how great is apple for me (makes me feel better, my gastrointestinal system is happy, it is a great snack at the office or at home, and once purchased it lasts for a week or so), I needed to buy a different kind of apple.

It was Gala apples. Honestly their colour does not appeal me and I did not think I would ever enjoyed them. But to my surprise they are actually tasty.

I welcome this change and I am glad that the mentioned circumstances helped break my routine.

random thoughts

What a beautiful day 🙂

The handyman fixed my faucet locks and drained my water boiler – they recommend it every year, though the handyman said he did not bother about it at home 😉 Well, that is alright; next year I can get servicing, see whether there is anything that needs to be alarming or going bad about it. Someone had said if I get it serviced, it could last 7 years, if not then change it every 5 years. Sounds good to me; I will get it serviced in the 6th year and get professional opinion.

I made a great change his morning – I went to another cafe for breakfast. Yep, I still ate bagels but this time I have got it with cream cheese, not butters. Change felt good, though I still need to find an healthier alternative to bagels. Does not matter how much I like something (e.g. my favorite cafe), it is good to give a break time to time; it was getting too familiar, too routine. I am happy with my decision to go to somewhere else this morning.

Otherwise, how am I doing? Good. I had a healthy lunch. But most importantly, I went through my kitchen drawers and the pantry. Those teas and spices which are beyond their expiry day are now rightfully in the garbage. I have found 4 cans of food somewhere, 36 rolls of paper towel (why did I keep buying them??), 15 sponges to be used (again, why bought??), an incredible amount of cleaning clothes, and garbage and recycling bags that I had forgotten I had… And, how about the facial tissues that I thought I was running out of? Yep…..

You got the idea; we need to go thru our stuff time to time to know what we have what we need. I seem to buy stuff (like paper towels) out of habit, which now is mounting in my kitchen. And, the fact that I did not look at them carefully and thought some of them were  toilet papers,  I also realized that I am running out of toilet papers.

I have a lot of dried food: dried beans, chickpeas, rice, cracked wheat, dried peppers, okra, and eggplant. I need to, I want to integrate them into my weekly menu so that I can consume them, not waste them. Yesterday I came up with the idea of buying a pressure cooker. It will help with my time and especially with cooking the beans that I keep eating out of the can. As soon as I do my research and decide which one to purchase, I am getting one.

It felt really good to be going thru the stuff, dumping unusable ones, and noticing what I have. I so far did this with the bedrooms, kitchen, and two of the bathrooms. I now am onto the living room, boy, which is gonna be though 🙂 Books and all the paperwork/stationary items that need to be sorted are giving me the chills 🙂 I also need to decide which books and CDs to keep, which ones to donate; that is not gonna be easy, but I will do this 🙂

cheers everyone

Breaking the routine – August 17, 2015

I left the office early to work at home – but then I decided to do something different. Thus I went to a cafe to work. I enjoyed not only making a change in my daily routine and exercising spontaneity, but also the bagel and the wonderful tea I have had at the cafe while also working.

Vola 🙂

This experience tells me that I can take, however little, steps to enrich my daily life and experience different things. Yes, I can.

My next challenge will be to enrich the activities I do and the places I go to.

e-decluttering

It feels good to unfollow the blogs that have been unuseful or uniteresting.

Those which do post very infrequently (thus give only a little chance to get to know) are the ones axed next; game theory for sure works for me.

The space cleared is now being filled with new blogs.

I am not interested in following a lot of blogs – anything more than a couple of hundreds is not manageable for me. Clearing up and refreshing with new ones feels good.

No hard feelings anyone I hope – I sure can catch you up later once things change.

In the mean time, I am going to enjoy the change and the satisfaction coming out of the decluttering. However electronic it may be.

best.

random thoughts

I still feel like writing today. Yesterday it was because I was upset and trying to keep my mood up. Today it is just because.

I am feeling a little bit better today. Work helps. The more my mind works the better. I have done quite a bit of work today, but am feeling like I have not catched up with my regular work rhythm yet. Hopefully soon.

Tomorrow we have two ceremonies to officially open our new building; one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So I will not have a chance to do much work. It is okay. And next week I have one whole day, one half-day meeting to attend, which make the half of the week useless. Oh, well. Maybe at the weekend I will work, which is a great idea.

I got a support letter today that I have been waiting since monday. It is kind of important so I am happy that it arrived. It has a key role in one of the work-related issues I have. The rest will be determined by others later, which I am okay with; they have been helpful and ready to provide advise. I liked this very much.

It is raining today – what a miserable day! I decided to take the bus. I could as well walk as while waiting the bus, my coat and shoes got wet anyhow. I thought about eating out, but then decided not to. A simple dinner made it.

My team and I seem to get used to being in different offices. I go say hi twice or three times a day, which is good. They say they are hesitant to come and say hi to me. “By all means, please do that as I like to chat with you”. That is what I said. I feel isolated socially and they may feel the same thing. I do not know.

While I am away from my team a little bit, in the new building now we have a lot of people (who previously were scattered around the floors and buildings) together. That is actually awesome since we interact more and meet more easily. It has been very useful for me so far.

I started to drink tea again after I moved to my new office. I used to years ago, but had stopped after a while. I welcome this nice change. I have a variety of teas at the office and am interested in getting more this weekend.

Tea is good. New office is good. Change is good. 🙂

Better yet, I am aware of all these goodness. Awesome!

stay well every one

joy journal – April 26, 2015

I am literally pushing myself to write this journal today. While writing I am sure I will feel better remembering things that I am grateful for – that is my greatest motivation to write now.

1. I am grateful for going through ups and downs, positive and negative in life, which so far all are deal-able things. It does not mean that I am having a great time; I feel like acknowledging things helps with reducing their effect and seeing them within the larger picture helps me to downgrade their importance and thus their effects.

2. I am grateful for having breakfast this morning. Not necessarily enjoyed it as I was not hungry, but that is okay.

3. I am grateful for the throws one of my friends gave me a while ago. I use them to cover the couch while I am sitting on it. They help it from being getting dirty as I am known to have ink stains all around where I am 🙂 At first I did not like them, but now I can see how useful they are.

4. I am grateful for its being Sunday and still afternoon. I am seeing today as a great opportunity to feel my emotions, rather than suppressing them. It is not pleasant but I think healthy.

5. I am grateful for tomorrow being a work day, which will help me to start dealing and moving with the work-related issues. I hope to get positive progress.

6. I am grateful for my TV and cable. I am watching a movie; the sound track for a few seconds made me felt good.

7. I am grateful for all the food and clothes I have, my home, my furniture and all I can get for myself to provide myself with a comfortable life.

8. I am grateful for my job that keeps my mind busy and helps me with my life.

9. I am grateful for family and friends who support me, listen to me, make me laugh, and enable me to share.

10. I am grateful for the grey day that makes me feel like I am having a long evening and night, which are the most peaceful times of the day for me.

11. I am grateful for chatting with one of my colleagues at the breakfast cafe in the morning. What a nice feeling to be around nice and positive persons.

12. I am grateful for watering my plants yesterday. I sometimes forget to do this. The effect of water is immediately observable. I like plants; one of my plants has been with me for 5-6 years. Quite a resilient plant that does not require much of a care but still keeps green and leafy through winter and summer.

13. I am grateful for being lazy today; not doing much other than watching TV, occasionally writing and reading.

14. I am grateful for getting increasingly aware of the life-style changes that I need to make. I cannot say that I have taken firm steps to do the changes, but they keep showing up on my mind and keep bugging me. I wonder when I will make the changes. I kind of feel like when the right time comes, they will happen. But if I keep having my excuses (i.e. lack of time or energy,, stress levels, need to pamper myself), I am not sure whether it will become reality. I can only hope.

15. I am grateful for not being crashed under the weight of my issues.

16. I am grateful that I know I have options to change my life for better. I can start exercise programs, I can shop better and spend time at the kitchen to prepare healthier food, I can cut out unhealthy food from my life and actually save some pennies, I can start walking in the morning to increase my daily exercise, I can take a break during lunch to walk around a near-by pond and park, I can start doing exercise by watching exercise programs at home, I can motivate myself to lose weight… The problem with weight lose is that it is hard to keep off the pounds coming back and different programs seem to work with different individuals. I know exercise helps me to keep it on track (but not necessarily helping me to lose weight but sure helps me to feel good and maybe eat less), so what is the best way? what is the best continuous way to lose weight for myself? Gotta figure that out. Bread comes to my mind first. Leave the bread out and then see.

17. I am grateful for having some left over meal today. I am not feeling like cooking; so the left-over is quite helpful.

my first day at my new office

Time did not fly, I was excited and happy, it was bright and shiny, I worked effectively but without straining myself, and I did not want to leave…

I was so excited and happy about the new office that I literally dragged people to show my office 🙂

I have more space and a more effective furniture that gives a sense of “big space”. I think the size of the office is not bigger than my ex-office; it just has better furniture that is all. Considering how much paperwork I dumped prior to move is also reflected as having less amount of folders and paperwork around. It is just spacious, this new office is. And I love it as it is. I hope I will be able to keep my promise and keep it uncluttered, clean, well-organized, and harmonic.

This morning I brewed my first coffee at my new office. Walking down to hall to get water (from the fountain) or to the washroom, which is now at the end of the long corridor, was not a problem. I even thought “it is great walking on this floor, little exercise, I am lucky”. The printer will be located somewhere probably not too close to me; great, another exercise opportunity for me.

At noon, I had tea at my office, which I usually would not. Tea has a calming and healthy effect on me. I am bringing more tea bags to the office tomorrow. I appreciate all of these changes.

Men will come in a couple of days to put nails on the wall for my art-work. I have two art-work so far, but I would like to get more. So, I am planning to get multiple nails here and there. It is interesting that I have had hardly any art-work at home…. Now, it looks like I am addicted, how interesting. I believe I will start hanging paintings and photos at home too (I just do not know how to find the best spot on the wall – will ask a friend to give me a hand).

Anyways, the entire floor is just settling. Some of my colleagues are scheduled to move tomorrow. I have one last heavy equipment left at my ex-place, which will be moved on Wednesday. This week all moving should be finished and we should find our ways around this large and spacious floor.

This move changes a lot of things. Our secretary has now an office right across from my office. It is nice to have her as a neighbour. One of my close collaborators is 5 meters away. My team members are scattered a little bit, but that is okay. They used to be seated within meters of me at our previous place; I think this distance is good, provides some privacy to everyone, and I can focus on my work more.

Since it is such a big floor (we have the entire floor now) and offices and the rest are partitioned well, it is also somehow quiet. Perfect place to have a quiet mind and do amazing work.

I am excited for ending the season of hibernation soon

The idea of spring excites me.

No doubt.

I can wear different, lighter coats. I love my winter coat- I bought it 7 years ago and since then it has been the only one I have been wearing. It is not particularly good looking, but it is water-proof, has a hood, inside is covered with feather-like stuff so it keeps warm, and it is long enough to keep my knees protected.

I think the winter is so long here, I kinda get used to wear the same stuff over and over. Then, when the weather warms up a little bit, I realize I have other clothes/coats/shoes that I can wear… Change excites me.

Clothes and shoes are not the only ones that I can change. I am feeing like I can walk for longer hours, maybe even in the morning (from home to the office). I think that is a great idea, considering that it takes around 30 min to do so. The health benefits (for my mind and for my body) are considerable. Plus, I get to save money. Why not to give this a try?

I may as well walk at the weekends. There are really nice neighbourhoods in the close vicinity and shopping centers. It will feel awesome to walk and break some sweat.

I am excited for ending the season of hibernation soon.

Hope, I find, is the best remedy for the long winters.

joy journal – March 29, 2015

I had a jolly joyful day so far; cannot wait to share 🙂

1. I am grateful that instead of going to the cafe I always go at the weekends, I took the bus and went to a shopping mall. I usually cannot wait… it is just something about me.. But this morning I managed to spend around 40 min at home without getting crazy (!) prior to catching the bus. I am changing in a positive way. I cannot say I have changed it totally and now I am as patient as anyone else, no. But I can say I did that today and I can do it again. Awesome 🙂

2. I am grateful that I went to a different cafe at the mall and got my coffee. I did eat the same unhealthy breakfast (bagels), which I still need to work on, but I have done something unexpected and tried a latte! It was great and lovely change from my usual coffee. As a matter of fact, latte seems a lot more like a treat than regular coffee. Why not to get more frequently?

3. I am grateful that the servers at the cafe were nice and lovely. I am grateful that I read magazines while having my breakfast.

4. I am grateful that I bought small notebooks; I have a thing for stationary items such as notebooks, pens and others. Make me excited 🙂

5. I am grateful that I walked up to go to a big bookstore! What a nice feeling! There were so many beautiful books and it was bright and nice. I got a book from one of my favourite writers that I did not even know existed. I cherish that book now.

6. I am grateful that even though it was raining/snowing a little bit, I decided to walk maybe half a kilometer to go check a thrifty store. It is sunday so I was not sure whether it was open, yet my motivation to be there was good enough. And it was open. I could not find books that can interest me today there, yet I found 2 bowls that I was looking for. They actually looked like the bowls I have at home, and it turned out to be correct! Now I have 4 of the same bowls that I like and use frequently. I was lucky today 🙂

7. I am grateful that my energy levels were great today. I was not complaining about walking or going from one store to other, not at all. That is a great feeling that makes me more confident about my energy levels. I think I am not lazy or tired all the time. I think they are temporary and I can and I do have an adequate level of energy 🙂

8. I am grateful for waiting for the bus and reading my book at the bus stop. It was a cold/rainy day yet I did not get bored or something and take the cab rather than the bus. I am very proud of myself. I can wait…. This is the second time I waited for something today and again I am really enjoying this change in my behaviour.

9. I am grateful for doing the grocery shopping on the way back home. I bought healthy food and contemplated a lot about whether or not to buy breads. Eventually I did not. My determinism to have a healthy diet is continuing, which is very pleasing.

10. I am grateful for the healthy meal and salad I had this afternoon; that tells me that I am really making an effort to eat better.

11. I am grateful for my books – I am reading a couple of them, both of which are very easy to read and are positive. I feel the positivity surrounding me.

12. I am grateful that it is sunday and it is peaceful, nourishing, and positive.

13. I am grateful for  not letting one of my friends on the phone bombarding me with negative experiences and all. She says she is very positive but then when she talked to me she always mentions about the negative things. It feels like she dumps all of her negativity on me. I cut the conversation asking for a positive talk. I am proud of this.

14. I am grateful for the road salt I have stocked up at home. In the grocery store there was no more salt today. I anticipate that I may need another one or two bags of salt before the winter clears up. And I already have them. Feeling good 🙂

15. I am grateful for being grateful. If anyone is reading this post, may I kindly ask you to consider trying your own joy journals? It does not have to be a post like this; it can be a computer file or writing on a notebook. I hope writing joys of the day will make you feel positive feelings.

specific and better directions in life

I woke up saying “I am not happy with my life” as I run the same wheel in the same speed all over again and again.

Then I looked at the meaning of the worlds and it did not look all right….

The correct form is “I am not following the best direction in my life”.

It is my responsibility to change things in my daily and work-life. Yet despite being acutely aware of this lately, I hardly do something to dramatically change things, things that I am not happy about (e.g. my diet), things that I want to get rid of (e.g. my unhealthy habits), and things that I want (a more joyful thinking and feeling).

There is nothing to be unhappy about my life – I just lack specific and better directions that I for some reason do not seem to implement.

Am I blaming myself or am I taking responsibility for the current form of my life? I think it depends on where someone is looking at it.

breaking the routine – March 28, 2015

I cannot say I did break my routine for today yet, but at least it is a constant idea in my mind. I know since I have been focusing on it constantly for some weeks now, I will eventually take steps to change. I just do not know when, or how.

But, an exciting prospect for me is to go to shopping this evening. I used to shop during the day – all the time actually. However, as soon as my laundry is done in an hour, I will take the bus, go to a shopping mall, and look around and purchase the items I need. I kind of missed seeing the city in late afternoon/in dark (walking back from office to home in late afternoon or in dark does not count). I want to see people around, in a relaxing environment as a shopping mall, and look around and say “there is life”. yes, there is life in the form of human activities, without thinking about the day that much, and I can actually enjoy it.

I am excited about this 🙂

breaking the routine – March 16, 2015

I must admit, the snow storm today helped (or forced) me to do somethings new or different;

1. I was bored being at home and dealing with agitating work emails; so I decided to enjoy my day and took action. It did work well.

2. Due to the snow storm, I went to another coffee house but not my favourite one.

4. Due to the snow storm, shovelled quite a bit; this was the largest snow bank I needed to clean from the front of my house.

2. I watered my plants, which I would usually do at the weekends.

5. Made concious choice and ate some raw vegetables.

breaking the routine – March 9, 2015

here are the things I have done today to break the routine (until the evening):

1. I went to office quite late – after 10 am. It is because of the day-light saving time ending, but however unintentional it was, it was nevertheless was a difference from other days. So it deserves to be in this list 🙂

2. I left the office around 2pm – it is a bright and lovely day, although still chilly and we have a lot of ice and snow on the ground. I catched the bus in the last second (yay!) and went to my favourite book store, which I had not visited almost 2.5 months!

3. I walked a little bit today; from the book store to home, hiking up a hill. Good for my health, too 🙂

4. I had coffee and some sweets at my favourite cafe before I went to the bookstore. I hardly have sweets, but change is a change; helps me to think that it is okay to try new things.

I am sure there will be more to add to this list before I go to bed tonite! cannot wait 🙂

breaking the routine – March 8, 2015

The changes I made in my life today 🙂

1. I come up with the idea of this page 🙂

2. I read a magazine while drinking my coffee in the morning, rather than working.

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful

I am excited so I feel like I have to put this excitement into words.

I had a series of writings/poems under the Kate’s short story category; I decided to end it today.

I am very happy with this decision. While I am happy with some of its parts (that I can extend later to form other, much better stories/poems), I am feeling it is also quite a relief to let it go. I have had quite heavy feelings, and not necessarily positive ones, when I focus on writing it; an impossible love is not a positive experience (in terms of the feelings it evoked).

Come to think about it, I have other series called Sasha’s story and The Life in the Diary,  which are collections of two other story lines. Both are depressive.

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful.

I decided today that I did not need more “heavy feelings”: rather there is also joy, happiness, opportunities, peace, kindness, and goodness in life. I will focus on these from now on.

I will make my writings reflecting these. Pain is everywhere, so can be happiness.

cheers

simplified life, routine, and the change

I am eager to keep a simple life style and daily life so that once a system is establish, my time and energy can be leveraged to more important things in life (such as work).

I am happy to have a simple daily system and way of life; yet when everyday repeats themselves over and over, it gets boring.

So today I was bored with the prospect of spending this beautiful sunday with the same activities, often with the same sequence, and thus together with the encouragement of family members, I have tried different things; I have changed the cafe house I go every saturday and sunday and landed up in a nearby nice cafe; my regular breakfast that I am so fond of was not available so I tried soup (which was awesome). I walked a little bit longer and it felt good. I did my grocery shopping the first thing in the morning, which I regularly do on thursday or friday afternoons. I am sitting in my kitchen table with my laptop and working/blogging. I even had my favourite tea at the table, which felt good.

Now I am excited to plan what else I can change (little changes, nothing too drastic) every day to make everyday interesting and new.