Good morning

Good morning everyone!

Let’s start the day having good wishes and vibes. Are we not fed up of the news and worries the current pandemic and other life conditions & experiences generate.

Let’s make today a day of positive thoughts and experiences. Whatever our life conditions are.

It is a choice.

I will not work today and tomorrow.

I rather want to cool down, connect, and reflect.

Time to get the mental strength back out of the confusions, disappointments, worries, and other limitations.

Once my mind is clear, I am strong.

When I am strong, I can take care of many things.

When I take care of things, I feel confident and satisfied.

When I am confident, I can grow bigger.

When I grow bigger, I can do more.

But first, I must get my mind clear and free.

Today is the day.

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what important thing I was reminded today

One of those days that agitating stuff has happened.

BUT

I will not let these ruin my morale and spirit.

 

I have so much to worry about and so much to be grateful about. The choice is mine.

Worry is not going to solve any problem, at least in a healthy way.

More importantly, many of the stuff I deal with are nothing when compared to life and death.

In addition, calmer mind works stuff better.

 

So here I am; agitated one minute and providing self therapy the next…..

Nevertheless, I seem to be handling this much better than before….

So, I must wholeheartedly congratulate myself, but the credit is not mine. Carry on and read the rest of the post….

…………………………..

A lot of things in life seems to be relative; youth/age, wisdom/ignorance, experience, goodness/badness, kindness/meanness, especially the breadth and depth and importance of issues..

From one person to other, from one life stage to other, from one issue to other, this relativity can shift easily.

While I was having my silly mental judo this afternoon, I read a genuine and open post from a dear fellow blogger who is a young patient with a terminal disease…. She said “do not ever let anyone steal your joy.”

I was immediately ashamed for suffering and having depressive thoughts about my silly problems….

I am happy to honor her wish and I would like to thank her for this beautiful post and very meaningful, very powerful words.

 

what was love?

One of my friends told me about an old movie about a young and beautiful lady with a little kid running away from something/someone and eventually finding sanctuary at the house of an older guy, who would protect and got to love both of them over time.

They were not wife and husband, though, as the lady was still in love with the father of the kid; the father who has not cared about them, the mother and the child, and the father whom they were running away from (or the negative conditions that were created because of the lack of the care by the father, like providing for them, protecting and making them safe, etc.). They just stayed at his house and under their care without any problem/annoyance created by the older guy.

Then the father shows up many years later and things get tangled. She still loves him in a way. First thing that she wants to do is to reunite with the father as he is the love of her life, yet then there was this other guys who protected and provided shelter, food, and safety to the kid and the mother without expecting anything in return. Plus, he got to love her as a woman and the kid like his own.

She was confused: What should she do?

Her heart pulled her to the father and then to the other guy, and then to the father, and then to the other guy.

And eventually, she chose the other guy.

She asked herself before making her decision:

“What was love?”

 

“Love was the demonstrated goodness/kindness/camaraderie.

Love was effort.”

………………

I keep thinking about love in multiple dimensions today because of my decision to not adopt the wonderful cat I fell in love with, which seems to have serious dental problems even though he is only around 2 years…

What was love for me?

What was love?

fear of death, and the need to change and live

It has been over 6 weeks that my dad has died.

The pain of loss and the regrets I have are one side of the coin.

The other side is about me having faced the reality of death and realized how real and inevitable it is. How lonely and scary it is… And how unknown, how anxiety creating it is.

Death puts life in a different perspective, my friends.

By facing my dad’s death, I also re-faced many things that I have been ignoring for a long time. For example: I ignored my own life by going around my comfort zone, I overly-protected myself, I have not dared what I could that would possibly make me happier. I have failed to change my life in a way that would make me feel complete, excited, joyful, and happy.

These regrets are because I needed to prioritize one way over the other (for instance; working in another country away from my family was a choice that I have made. I have got a great and meaningful job, but the time I spent with the people I care most about is limited… That make me ache now). I now prioritize my financial well-being, which prevents me from moving out of my work, out of the city I live in. Ache.. Ache.. Ache..

But should I continue with these priorities? That is an important question.

…………..

By facing my dad’s death, I realized life was precious and transient, and I too will lose it one day. That scares me and feels depressing…. No wonder all these centuries the human as a whole has made the extraordinary effort to find a meaning in life and ways to cope with death.

Not surprisingly, with these depressive thoughts came abroad all my feelings and thoughts that I knew they existed but were ignored anyhow. One though and regret stands out: I have wasted parts of my life and if I do not wake up soon and do something about this, I will continue the rest of my life with this regret.

I usually wake up with this thought in my mind. It is like a daily reminder that this could be just another day that I will continue to miss my life unless I do something about it. And I do not want to miss life anymore.

The problem is: I do not know what to do about it and how to turn things around.

I think about quitting my job time to time (I wrote about it some other time), which I believe will force me to take the necessary steps for a chance of better life. But, having no financial stability and the prospect of financial hardship is a strong deferrant (I wrote about that, too). I can of course find a job first and then quit my work+life here, but for some reason I do not work towards that, either.

I have another option of course, making my life here better. I just do not know how.

I feel stuck.

I over and over come to this same spot. At these times, the only thing I am left with is to believe that everything happens for a reason (eventually for a better outcome) and when it is the time, things start rolling.

I am in the waiting mode right now, but I will be looking for opportunities that can change my life for a better way.

 

 

we do not have to forget, but we can forgive

Rob Ford, an ex-mayor of Toronto has died today after an 18-months of cancer treatment.

Rob Ford was an unconventional politician, often with many unacceptable behavior (e.g. racism and misogyny) and drug use. Many people loved him, many made jokes about him, and many certainly disliked him.

When I learnt about his death this evening, I felt sorry; May he rest in peace. He has lost his life, and his family and friends are in sorrow now (and will likely to feel his loss for the rest of their lives). I hope, they too can find some kind of peace in their hearts and in their memories.

I keep seeing posts here and there that he was a horrible person and thus does not deserve our mourning or whatsoever. I understand that they say so because of his highly annoying behavior and there is some kind of truth that we do not have to paint his memory in a way that is different than his life (i.e. death does not make a bad person a good person).

But, I keep thinking – death is a lonely journey. It makes somehow a lot of things, a lot of emotions unnecessary. We do not have to forget the wrongs he has done, but at least we can forgive him.

No?

Yes?

I am not saying forgiveness is easy or should be exercised/enforced no matter what. I understand that it is very difficult to forgive the negative consequences of some people and their actions on other people, and the suffering they have caused. I cannot say whether one should choose to forgive or whether one should forgive at all. But I am hoping that we all can give it a try.

Peace.

regrets

Like anyone else, I have regrets in life.

I regret eating unhealthy food today. I regret buying a useless book at the airport yesterday. I regret not losing any weight since the beginning of fall despite making huge changes and effort. I regret living in a city with limited energy. I regret loving my job so much that I keep present wherever it is present. I regret not have spent a long time with my family. I regret not saving money while I have had it. I regret not being happy. And I regret many other things in life.

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine and the more we talked, the more clear it became that regrets were inevitable. Especially when we needed to choose between different alternatives or take different routes.

But whether or not some regrets were inevitable because we had no control over them was debatable. Regrets were certainly context-dependent and some regrets were unnecessary. Realizing this was uplifting and frankly made my day; I do not need to beat myself over some regrets – I can rather accept there was no better alternative, I tried my best, it did not work out, and I can move on. Priceless 🙂

For example, I can regret buying that book and spending $25 on it now. But if I had not bought it, I could regret it, too, because I would probably be bored at the airport by doing nothing much. I chose between the two alternatives; buying and not buying. I resent my choice right now, but I could as well resent not having this choice. So feeling the regret does not serve me well; I tried to prevent boredom and did not become lucky with the book. That is all. There is no room for regret here. Let’s move on.

I regret eating unhealthy today. I do not know why I have not eaten better. Maybe I needed to shop. Maybe I did not want to cook and prepare food. Maybe I just said “okay, I will start it again tomorrow“. I made a choice and now I regret it. This regret is different than what I experienced with the book (above), though; I do not think I would regret eating healthy, for example… In other words, the other alternative, eating healthy, was an a lot better and perhaps the best alternative. This regret is well deserved, as I simply did not make a good decision. I hope that regret now can serve as a valuable teacher for me to make better choices next time…

I regret not being happy (I am not unhappy, either – I am in a neutral state between being happy and unhappy), as I know what happiness means and how great it feels. I did not make the choice of being unhappy or being not happy. In contrast, I always wanted to be happy. “Maybe you just do not know how to be happy“, one may say… (I hope noone will say this; happiness sometimes is not attainable by the way it works for others). Anyways, I regret not being happy, but I did not choose it. So why do I have regret?

I guess the answer lies in the fact that I still believe that I can be happy and I can work towards it. So far in 40 something years, I have not figure out what it is that can give me lasting happiness (except falling in love with someone great… then happiness was the natural state; I just remembered….). But there is hope. One day.

I also regret spending my time and years in a city that does not excite me. My alternative is to move somewhere else, but I did not make this decision yet. I regret living here, but cannot take the steps to change it.

Why is that?

Because I can understand that the alternative may not be so good either and I may regret it big time, too. For one, finding such a job that I have here is almost impossible. Even though I am not making a lot of money, my salary and job are stable. If I leave this job, I may never have such financial and job stability in my life, even though I get everything else that I long for for an exciting life… That is the scariest part of it.

The moment I wrote the above sentence, however, something blinked inside my mind. I remembered that using the word “never” was a way of generalizing things without much evidence. So, who knows? Maybe there are other jobs that can provide me with these stability somewhere else. Maybe I should go check for them, yes? 🙂

Writing is awesome; it helps clear things for me. But more than that I am grateful for having hope 🙂

minimalist; sometime by choice sometime by necessity

The person who is going to home-sit my house while I am away has moved in today. That is a huge peace of mind. My friend told me she likes my house, which is very nice to hear. She also said that the yard looked a lot better this time 🙂 All the cleaning and trimming I have done since last month seem to have worked 🙂

Going back to my home, I have minimal furniture, which makes my home feel spacious. When I first bought my home, I had plans to furnish it really well; I had planned to replace the two beds in the bedrooms with the new ones, together with side tables, night lamps, and dressers. I had planned to have carpets/rugs in the hall, the living room, and the rooms. I had planned to buy new book cases that would fill with my ever-increasing number of books. And the art-work would be everywhere, making the bathrooms, bedrooms, halls, and the living room all pretty and nice.

But soon after I bought the house, I realized I could not do all of these. Home-ownership is really expensive, especially with old houses like mine that keep requiring repairs, sometime even significant ones such as foundation problems. So I had decided to freeze such expenses for an indefinite time, until I secure my home first. This has been 1.5 years ago and I am still counting.

I have been having second thoughts lately and when my friend said nice things about my home, I thought “I can make my home really pretty”. Even though I cannot buy the furniture now, I really would like to beautify my place with art-work for the bathrooms, living room, and the bedrooms. Different kinds of paintings, photos, or other wall ornaments. I am really craving to see them, to make my home feel pretty and colorful.

I am on a serious budget and am saving. I know I am doing much better than before and even so, I can still cut some of my expenses for a month or so to finance the art-work. I am excited by this idea 🙂 My plan is to save the money first (let’s say $100) by means of spending freezes (on books and dining out for a month). Then I can go shop as I please for beautiful art-work for my place. I believe that is going to be fun and largely satisfying 🙂

See, friends and budgeting are great in many ways; one of them supports us all the time and gives us wonderful ideas and motivations, and the other one allows us to make plans for ourselves and make (material) things happen :).

Stay on track with both, everyone 🙂

the tango I did not dance

it has been my choice

the length of my hair, colour even

the clothes I have had

the tango I did not dance

the song that moved me in to deep emotions

the book I have not written

the violin I have purchased

the cities I lived in

the love I missed

the love I missed more than anything else

all my choices

now I am middle aged regretting

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PS: I accidentally published this draft – I was going to edit it yet I think that is what it was supposed to be. Leaving it as it is.

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