The 4th day of the 4-day long weekend

I took Friday off and together with today – Remembrance Day in Canada – that means I was off for 4 days.

Yes, I have not worked much and did not go to office. I mostly spent my time at home, with the exceptions of a thrifting adventure on Friday and a short visit to Shoppers on Saturday to grab a couple of things.

I often plan for how I am going to dedicate my time during such breaks. I had not planned anything this time, and till this morning this had annoyed me – I had felt like wasting this wonderful opportunity of 4-days.

Well, it turns out it was okay. This morning I understood it finally. I was supposed to stop (duh) and just notice. Well, I noticed a couple of things, some through analyzing my dreams.

I have been in a transitional period of my life where I am moving towards great personal and professional experiences.

I dare more. I focus on great causes and roles. I slowly but steadily change and prioritize myself at work. I gain confidence. I achieve. And, I get satisfied and excited by myself and my work. Again – like in my youth. Amazing.

A new chapter is opening.

This give some peace and also makes me quite excited and hopeful about myself.

I believe my personal life will also be positively affected by these thoughts. My weight saga, for example. All my life my weight – or what it means for the society – controlled me, and made me self-conscious and lose self-esteem. I noticed that as long as I keep my own eating/diet, I slowly lose weight. I gain weight, however, when I eat outside of home or with others. For example, when I have lunch or dinners with others. When somebody treats me with a chocolate/cracker or anything else at the office. When I attend a committee meeting, which offers pizza. When I go visit my family – goodness – I eat so much there. And when I travel to other places.

As long as I keep my own eating/diet habits, I may be just fine. This is something to try!

I also believe that there is someone out there for me. Yes. It is interesting that I am opening to the idea of a relationship, at this age, at this time. But, that is what it is and I think I am completely over my heart-breaks & and those men whom I once loved. Hmmm.

🙂

I leave you with a wonderful album by Emma Shapplin. When I was a young student, this album was quite popular. I love it to date and am happy to share with you.

Maybe some of you remember it as well 🙂

random thoughts

I have not written in a while.

I have a number posts started and then halted. They did not feel genuine enough. As if, what ever I would write would be just an automatic statement rather than me speaking. Who needs the dry facts and reports? Nobody. But we need conversations.

That is right.

Lots happened since I last posted here. Some good, some not so much, some just meh. Overall, I could say there are positive progress in how I manage things.

For one; I started to lightly delegate the tasks that I am not even supposed to do, but end up on my shoulder anyhow. Very, very light improvement, but quite significant. It feels right and I am happy with it.

Two; I did not work this past weekend, which is again amazing. I rather wanted to shop, see other places, and do things that excite me. Well done.

Three; I did get a professional award, which felt quite good! It is an international award which makes it extra sweet. I feel confident. Much confident and this is so well deserved.

Four; I realized that as long as I continue to react to, rather than manage or just ignore emotionally, the adversaries, I will find myself in the same stressed or over-whelmed state. So, I am head-butting some small challenges, rather than avoiding them. Maybe I will get de-sensitized. Maybe I will get crazy. But maybe I will just float with the situation while also making realistic decisions and taking realistic steps. We will see. This is a classical getting out of the comfort zone trial….

Fifth: I continue to be mortified by death and my own aging. Fearing death has been a recurring theme since my dad passed away. I do not want to die, as I do not know what it feels like, whether I would have strong regrets. Not having the people, or coffee, or plants, or anything else that I in fact love around myself… This feels like horrible to me…. Even though billion and billion of people and animals have experienced this since the dawn of times. I also feel like I have wasted my life as I am now close to 50 and my hair is silver gray. Somethings cannot be done anymore. Some looks cannot be had. There are regrets. There are “what is it that I am missing today?” feelings. This one will require me some reflection and acceptance…..

Death anxiety? Middle age crisis?

Both are real.

So, let’s honour this sweet moment of life and peaceful evening.

Youtube Love GIF by Rosanna Pansino - Find & Share on GIPHY

——————————————-

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/RosannaPansino-love-happy-fBJHoHTNJWvESzcKQn

 

 

 

random thoughts

After a couple of days with temps around 30C, I welcome the cooler and slightly rainy today 🙂

I continue to sleep well – the last 2 weeks since my vacation. I hope it will continue like this for ever. I really do! Insomnia and waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep have been such a recurring and annoying theme, in the last year particularly… I am grateful for the comfortable and easy sleep I have in the last while.

This is the 5th day that I gave up junk food (yes, again. I am trying again).  It is hard. Very hard. I know after a few weeks, I will get used to living without them, but the first days are the hardest – especially at around noon. Then, I crave for them. Yesterday and today were particularly difficult. I believe with each day it will get better, but goodness, is there a medication or something like that to get rid of the cravings!!!

It is quite a mental judo. But, I want to be in control of my life and quitting junk food is one the ways to do it. The second one is to lose weight. Interestingly junk food addiction and weight gain are linked, right?

Right.

And both of them have been a struggle for years (or decades). They both made me feel dissatisfied/angry with myself and with my life. Five days ago I decided that I wanted to remove these from my life, be content with myself, and take control of my life back. Do you think I can do these?

No more junk food (how am I going to “gift” myself when I am stressed or want to enjoy my moment?), eating better and cooking at home (I actually do this and enjoy it as long as I have time), looking better with better outfit (yes, I want to buy new ones as soon as I start losing weight; I have not updated my wardrobe in the last while) and a better hair cut (boy, I love my hair but it really does not look good in this humid weather. I want a short, modern cut that I will wear with love and confidence), and feeling more confident and self-pleased as a result.

I really want to do these, but it is hard, especially with the cravings I have for junk food during the afternoon.

I have little confidence in me that I will get over these and reach my objectives, but hey, maybe I am in a lucky period of time.

 

 

freedom

Great things are happening in my inner sphere tonite.

Being aware of the self-imposed restrictions and stress, I have been feeling less and less attached to the life conditions and future plans I have created, and more and more free as a result.

I believe I deserve much better than my current life conditions

I believe very strongly I can do 100x better in another job with another role

I believe I can be happy

I can earn more money

I believe I can do well no matter what

I believe there are thousands of opportunities, great people, and great experiences out there that I can accept, meet, and have now that the self-built wall around my life has been shattered

I believe a great opportunity, a miracle if you will, will happen pretty soon and I have the perfect receptive attitude right now to embrace it

I believe that my future is bright and I believe I am walking around the sunny side of the road now

————————————

When over 2 years ago when the work place toxicity hit the roof and I started to feel dispensable and insecure, I used to walk around a small forest close to my office place. One day it occurred to me that “future was bright”. I printed these words in big fonts and pasted the paper on a place that I can see every work day. That feeling had come from nowhere but I felt it very deeply. It was not a wish, it was not a fantasy. It was belief, a sincere, heart-felt, solid belief.

Since then, the toxicity increased in dose, I worked much harder than any other time (even though I am usually very hard-working), failed many times in my plans and initiatives, experienced low self-esteem and loss of hope frequently, but I kept going despite everything. The last 6 months things have been turning around, one step at a time. I am getting projects, creating new project ideas, forming teams, taking new roles, and dumping with ease the old cranky roles that do not serve me anymore.

I may have hurt myself with stress, but one thing I proved myself. That I can be better, I have perseverance, I can pull things around, I am better than I think, and I have the energy and skills to do much more.

Much more.

I can do much more.

if there was a good time to quit this job, it would be now. Why now you may ask?

Because if I had quit before I came to this point, I would always feel unsuccessful and like a failure. Now, however, I demonstrated that I survived yet another hard time with success.  This is confidence.

Feeling that great things are coming and I am welcoming them to my life. This is believing and having faith.

Loving and appreciating myself for what I have become. Well, this is as they say priceless.

Great things will happen. I will be happier. I will have a great life. I will make bigger impact with my work. I no longer be chained to whatever ideals that I once thought were good for me, but not enough any more.

I believe in all of these.

 

 

 

feeling good :)

This week has been another roller coaster period of time. The beginning of it had a colleague swearing and yelling at me in front of people because of their frustrations, which later was sweetened, but hey, although I do not take it personal, I cannot fully pass the idea that I have been insulted, if not assaulted. Anyways. I appreciate the way I have dealt with this ridiculous situation (calm and professional) and now my colleague and I have normal interactions.

I am behind re; many of the things I would like to complete prior to the holidays, but we are moving anyhow. That also means that I did not accept a couple of additional tasks, which is usually not my behavior, but I am glad I have started to say no, and not feeling bad about this. It turns out the world still circles around the sun no matter what I do or not 🙂

Today was a particularly good day. I started the day before 5 am in the morning. It was peaceful and gave me quite a bit of time to do serious work prior to my back to back meetings starting at 11 am. The great news I have got in the afternoon was that one of the projects I designed and applied for has been accepted 🙂 It has been such a long run working on the project 🙂 Even though its financial scale is not earth-shattering, its impact on my confidence and the future users of the end-product is 🙂

I was not, for some reason, overly joyous about this news until after I walked a few minutes in the evening when I realized that it was indeed a huge success for someone with my educational background and expertise to design and lead a project in a such different field. I must be, and I am, proud of myself! Last year when I talked to a couple of my colleagues, they had criticized me and said that I should rather let someone bigger to lead my project. I was furious. These colleagues of mine who are also my friends – hello-, undermined my interests and abilities, and hey, today who is the boss? Feeling good indeed 🙂

If you have been following my blog for sometime, I have been feeling unsuccessful and had lost my confidence at a significant level. The last few years have been very hard in terms of work; stressful and full of troubles and troubled work relationships. I am still stressed and I still have troubled colleagues/work relationships in my life, but I am slowly gaining back my confidence and increasingly seeing my value.

For me, this is more than enough for now.

 

all the good things – check

Friends – life has been up and down, but at least some things are going well. I must cherish and celebrate 🙂

———————————————————————————————-

  • sleeping longer than the usual 6 hours and feeling good in the morning – check

this has been the 3rd morning in the last week, which really amazes me. It has been sometime that I could feel relax and comfortable enough to sleep in (rather than rushing to work). If you can sleep well, please give your thanks – it is a beautiful feeling

  • working without stress – check
  • witnessing a wonderful work of a staff member of mine – check

this team member did beyond my imagination!! we have been working very intensely about their project in the last two months or so (it did not go well for a year or so…), and today we have had significant progress. All the hard-work and stress pays off! This progress means;

a) I have a great staff that I must elevate even higher;

b) our overall performance is much higher that we or others thought;

c) we are confident and ready to show-case this work and get recognition;

d) the confidence that we have now is amazing (the next time something this big does not work, we will put our 150% into it again and solve it);and

e) we know that we can deliver this project, and as such, a significant load is off my shoulder right now :))))

  • loving my plants dearly – check

what a beautiful and glorious feeling! Looking at them, seeing them grown and thrive makes me feel happy and genuinely excited 🙂 I am so lucky!

  • getting a new succulent prop from a colleague and giving away props to three other colleagues – check

I am lucky in the sense that people gift me with plants and props (young plants) and I in turn lovingly gift them my own plants 🙂 Today I was able to get one new species and give away three others. It feels great to be sharing my plants/props with others, knowing that I have more than I can handle and others will love and cherish them as much as I am

  • buying a nice spider plant, which was on sale – check

yesterday I had seen some green/purple spider-plant like plant in the grocery store. They were on sale (3.5 bucks each) but also not in great shape. I had decided not to buy them, now that I had been also in a shopping ban period.

However, this morning I made a pact with myself and decided that if I took the bus but not the cab in the afternoon, I could rather use the money to purchase the plant! So, I went there and found that there were new and healthy-looking ones, still on sale and grabbed one right away 🙂 I came home admiring its leaves and giving it a good soak of water. I placed it on a window sil for now, but am planning to re-pot sometime soon and separate. Colors are amazing, green on top but purple at the back, which is great for the eye. I plan to combine a part of it with my coffee plant (which has been doing amazingly well) in a new pot, and place in my office. I cannot wait! 🙂

  • planning to go to thrift stores tomorrow and purchase new pots – check

I know, I know.. how is it that I am on a shopping ban and then planning to spend money…?. I have no excuse other than the fact that I want this.. I want to see whether I can get 4-5 other pots and place my rapidly growing plants in them this week. They are my joy and pride, and I love to be able to shop (rather than working) tomorrow afternoon

  • eating two apples in the afternoon – check

it has been sometime that I munched on apples and the ones I have had today were particularly tasty and sweet. I am doing good 🙂

  • having the night to myself – check
  • feeling good – check

going back to a previous point, knowing that I have turned things around with a team member of mine has been very elating and motivating. I know once again that stress that I had to take lately has been for something to come. Efforts pay off and things turn around. I will let this feeling sink in for a moment or two, so that next time I can remember it easily and find serenity…..

🙂

 

 

recent realizations

It has been going quite stressful and also kinda smooth with respect to work. It is very hard for me to decide whether this means the long sought-for change in my attitude and evaluations, or a sign of a problem coming.

I sure wish it is the first alternative.

The changes that have happened in me and my attitude when it comes to work are as follows:

  • I compare myself to others now, rather than comparing to the ideal I hold up for myself. This kind of relaxes the stress I impose on myself and increase my confidence (as I do not beat myself up for not reaching to the “ideal” I painted.

 

  • Nobody, even myself, can say that “I do not work, contribute, or produce”. I have proven myself how much I do work in the last two years and I am more than content with this. This brings confidence in my abilities and makes me feel like I am not dispensable. Rather I am a valuable part of my organization.

 

  • I am vocal about the hard-work I do and ask for appreciation or acknowledgement. This may sound like “begging for things”, but it is rather a sign of my confidence and self-esteem; I am content with my performance and I want it to be recognized.

 

  • I take things easier or make an effort to take them easy. This has happened in the last couple of days; I have so many things to figure out and urgently that I do not have the time for any of them. My usual self would go, read, and contemplate about all the details prior to making a decision or moving on, but I do not have this luxury anymore. So, the end result is instead of paralyzing my mental work, I move on with the abstract concepts and general views. Better than nothing. At least I feel better.

 

  • I take mini rests everyday, usually at night, to recuperate. I allow myself to stop thinking about the issues and rather focus on my personal interest and try to enjoy my time. Things can wait till tomorrow, when I will have a crystal clear mind.

 

  • I use my morning hours to my advantage and do the most important things. I need to take the cab to the office at 5-6am, but that is okay. It gives me time and comfort.

 

  • I remove distractions from my life so that I can focus on what is important. The house chore can wait, the emails can be responded later, and work can be delegated to others if not critical. How about that? My.. My.. what a change 🙂

 

  • I keep a well organized and healthy office environment. Clean and free of clutters. And full of plants 🙂 They make everything look and feel much better. I am very excited about them 🙂

 

  • I keep telling myself that this is not the first time that I ended up with under stress. I have survived the past stress and I will survive this one too.

 

  • I will not accept new tasks for a while – this is a relief and makes me determined to say “no”.

 

  • The more issues I deal with, the more I learn about myself and how to best work. I truly believe that no matter how mundane a task is I would make a detailed assessment and work carefully. The more responsibility I do have, the more issues appear. Since my time and energy do not increase linearly with them, I must place them in a “relative” scale. I still care and pay attention to things, but again when I compare myself to others, I feel confidence in the work and assessments I do – if they can not fail, why should I?

 

  • I feel much better if I put the effort and do my “best”. I mostly care about silencing my own critique; as long as I am satisfied with myself, I do not care much about what others think. Lovely 🙂

 

  • I just realized this morning that “good stress” makes me remember things and motivates me to address things. Thus, even though I may end up having anxious thoughts in the morning, I know they are there to remind myself to move. Good job!

 

  • I evaluate things differently now. Previously I used to define the changes in my sleep pattern (sleeping around 6 hours and then waking up quite early) as “sleep disturbance”. Yesterday I realized that the opposite was true. While my sleep pattern has changed, it was for the best; I still get sleepy at around 10 pm, have a deep sleep around 6-7 hours, and wake up early. This gives me much needed rest (deep and sound sleep) and much needed time (by going to office early). It is not disturbance, as I used to label it. It rather is a blessing 🙂

 

  • I also realized that while I have a tendency to go around my comfort zone (by, for example, focusing on the tasks that I am most comfortable to address first than the more important tasks), time to time I also jump into risky projects. They are hard to develop or execute, but once they are taken care of they yield higher value. I do not do these continuously, but the last year has been like this and I keep going. Either I will fail or I will win. Only time will show.

 

It has been good to me that I found myself in such a stressed situation – things have started to clear.

I hope 🙂

 

 

 

 

pretty random thoughts

Yes, thoughts can be quite pretty 🙂

I have been in a high-speed work period for some time. Somethings are going better and some others are still challenging me. But in the middle of everything, I keep going.

I have an internal compass that is quiet and when I find it, no matter how challenging is the situation, I for some reason know that I will solve it. Has this ever happened to you?

It is such a strange contrast to my regular self, who gets stressed and anxious at the face of adversity.

Just yesterday I have got a rejection for a project that I worked very hard for. They want me to revise and re-submit, which I will. They caught the part that was most under-developed and want it fixed. I knew that I must have worked on it, but did not, could not. Now is a good time, it seems. I know that I can handle this for some strange reason. I am not panicked.

I may of course be wrong and still get a rejection after my revision. It will be a blow to my now-confidence, but I think we will see. But what I understand most is how I approach to problems and what creates my anxiety; my lack of trust in own ability and confidence to take care of stuff. Otherwise, I would have been anxious about not getting this project accepted or not making a good revision next time and getting rejected again.

It is quite strange.

I always knew that I am a perfectionist and I would like to do better each time. That means I curb my confidence in myself. However, if I do feel confident in my abilities (mostly a learnt response from my past similar experiences), then  approach things with less anxiety and worry.

I think that it all ends in believing in myself and this is the most important type of validation for me, not the others’ evaluations on me.

Strange. Strange. Strange.

I knew I would beat myself over things, but realizing that a) I limit myself more than others, and b) I in fact have a sound confidence in my abilities in some cases was surprising.

This is a beautiful day my friends.

———————————————-

This week I have learnt some other things about my work habits.

I noticed that early morning (6-9am) when there is not many people around are my most productive times in the office. I must use these times effectively.

I still struggle with prioritizing the most important tasks and working on them first, but I will continue to work on this.

I realized also that I can rather use the evenings and nights for works that do not require much of a focus; like emails, little reading material.

I also took the yesterday  night and tonite off from work, and am enjoying calming down, with the confidence that I will take care of things tomorrow morning.Rushing constantly does not make me justice.

Listing the things to do a night before helps me use the next morning better. I feel at more control of my stress this way and satisfied knowing that I do work, not waste time trying to decide to what to do.

I am looking at a busy weekend again, but I am not worried about this – I appreciate the availability of time at my disposal. This is very good.

——————————————————

I mentioned at the beginning that somethings were going well. I am working on two new ideas (both are challenging as well). High risk-high reward kind of projects.

For someone who is usually cautious at work, this kind of brave attempts come every 10 years or so 🙂 It is tough times, but eventually will resolve (feeling this way again based on my past experience). There is some kind of accomplishment and adventurous sense that fills me with not only panicky feelings but also with joy, confidence, and determinism. I really love when I feel this way. Especially when I see that I have not chickened out. Voila! 🙂 Hard work and stress are worth it. I am growing mentally and professionally, and I have not given up knowing that eventually I will be better in two months than today.

———————————————————

I have also learnt to trust more to my team members. They make all of these possible. They work hard just like me and with me on many details and their methodological expertise is making progress in these ideas possible. I must be more appreciative of this, which I am glad that I have seen.

It is a beautiful day indeed my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

struggle or growth?

I am not sure whether I am struggling with my career or just growing.

It is sometimes hard to know, my friends.

I know I am struggling; I work harder than ever and trying to do many new things all at the same time. It is exhausting, stressful, and requires enormous amount of energy and focus. I do these because I am capable of doing, but the real motivation is the increasingly toxic and criticism-filled environment that makes me feel like I am not worthy and dispensable. I guess I am trying to show that I am not; I am a valuable and contributing member of my work-place. Even I say so now, I, the worst critique of myself.

It is strange writing this here – the real motivation after my over-work is being my frustration towards my work-place. Very counter-intuitive, is it not?

I think I must accept the fact that I had lost, and I am still at lost the majority of the time, my self-confidence in this position. The negative attitudes at my work triggered a reaction to turn things around. That is why I am working so hard and taking new roles. With each work and role accomplished, I gain confidence. Or, may be this is just an illusion. Hard to know….. But if it is real, then this hardship has been incredibly useful for me! 🙂

————————————————————————————————————–

I am also growing. A lot changed in me since last year.

I am detached to my work-place and with each blow or slab to the face this detachment is growing. This is strange but also liberating indeed. It forces me to re-evaluate my wishes and my wants, and somehow forces me to think outside of my current box. Just yesterday I realized I could move to another country for work. Would it not be terrific? A new country, a new city, a new apartment, new bakery, new neighborhood, lots of plants, tall windows, people and lights in the street day and night. Energy, change, excitement, new experiences. Wow – that is a great picture!

I also became more assertive since last year and I am good at saying no now 🙂 Well, at least better than before. I can also express myself and my frustration better. I can keep my stand better. This is lovely.

I also care much less about things that I would otherwise do; mostly related to work and work-related recognition. Less stress, less anxiety, more room for more important things. I hope.

————————————————————————————————————–

There is an apparent duality in my interpretations of these experiences, like in anything else I guess. One can argue that it is a point of view. Maybe one day I am struggling and maybe next day this experience makes me do something, which grows me (like the job application I made in Europe yesterday). Maybe it is all struggle and my mind finds some kind of serenity in finding/believing in positives (in order not to lose it).

I do not know really. Only time will tell. Right now, I know that I both struggle and grow at the same time.

It is a delicate balance; if struggle gets worse, the balance will tip down on this side and I may sink deep. If I grow, the other side of the balance will lift.

My aim is to lift myself up.

The balance is still unstable though. So, my struggle to end this struggle (what an irony – I need a new struggle to end another struggle??) is continuing. 

I am tired. Yes, I am. But I keep going.

I think I am giving a good fight here.

🙂

Sylvester Stallone Training GIF by Rocky - Find & Share on GIPHY

——————————————————————–

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/rockymovie-movie-rocky-sylvester-stallone-d2ZfqZY5eSCR0rza

one of these awesome days

One of these days that I am calm and feeling good about myself and the work.

One of my team members and I finished a big project today, which was on the go for 3.5 years. I cannot believe. She made that happen and she is leaving soon to move on with a better career. I could not be happier and more proud of her. May she always find success, happiness, and support in life. She has got my full blessing.

I feel like accomplished now a little bit and am feeling hopeful and excited about my work again. Results of this project will be used in many other projects and noone in the world has ever produced such results. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing what a unique and exciting project this was. I must be happy and proud of myself as well!

This realization brings me some sort of confidence and excitement – I have done very well indeed. There is hope that I will sign under the many more difficult and exciting projects. This is such a much needed feeling for me. I would not be surprised if I shed some tears out of joy 🙂

Now I have space for future projects and my calendar is more permissive to move on with others that I have been planning. Happiness! 🙂

I have four presentations to do withing the next four weeks – two of them being this week. I am ready for them. The other two, on the other hand, needs work. Ok – I can do this! After that my next biggest task will be writing a new type of report, which I am looking forward to. It will be challenging at the beginning, we have been keeping it under the radar for some time, and now I will have time to work on it. Something fresh, interesting, and developing me further as a professional. Excitement!

—————————-

I was telling one of my friends today that I wonder how I and my life will develop in the next three years. I know that I have been changing my approach to others at work, becoming a little bit more focused on my own interests and reducing my commitment to others’ work, being interested in challenging and developing myself by taking new roles and responsibilities, becoming more assertive, and most importantly, questioning my own look at my life. I told my friend today that I sometimes think about resignment. Not that I want to but I guess it is one way to free myself from all the little issues and attitudes that bother me. Thinking about resignment gives me some kind of relief from the current issues. It also helps me with un-attaching myself from work. I was always overly committed to work and as such have ignored the other important things in life.

What are the important things in life?

Certainly my family is important.

I am important.

It is time that I let these realizations sink into my mind…

It is exciting that I am curious about my future, don’t you think? 🙂 This is certainly becoming an exciting anticipation for me – I want my future to be better, happier, healthier, and more meaningful. I want to have dreams and plans. I want to do different things. I want to feel good about myself and my frequent efforts to do so!

May the next days bring joy, success, happiness, health, and good people, experiences, memories, and opportunities to all of us 🙂

 

joy journal – Jan 26, 2018

I have had ups and downs today, but I know that writing here will make me focus on the positive and I feel better good after that! 🙂

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and waking up on time. I have not used an alarm clock for so many years that come to think about it, it is amazing that I wake up when I need it ! 🙂

2. I am grateful for taking the bus; good for my pocket, good for environment, good for the community. yay! 🙂

3. I am grateful for encouraging a team member of mine who feels over-whelmed by a new task he needs to do. I am frustrated myself that it is not done yet, but sometimes a little bit encouragement can go way above and beyond. I shall see.

4. I am grateful for coming to home in the early evening to work and getting stressed. Honestly it makes me more stressed than being at the office. So I must stop this and embrace my office full time…

5. I am grateful for starting reading and revising a long report. I have been dreading this, but I have started and it will go on. My plan is to fix it hopefully tomorrow and move on. It is a report written by three of us, two of us being seniors. The other senior and I have different approaches and different levels of meticulousness. It creates and has created problems for both of us. I want this to be over before we get more annoyed with each other and hurt our relationship further. I ask myself; why is it me who is taking it low and still do her part? Is it because I walk what I talk, or because I am silly? Do not answer that :)))

6. I am grateful for doing grocery shopping in the evening. I bought all bunch of fresh produce and also fish. I love fish nowadays 🙂 I am feeling better after eating it with a large bowl of green salad. I cannot thank enough for these food.

7. I am grateful for feeling excited about tomorrow. Tomorrow is Saturday; I will first drink my coffee and browse internet for emails and news, and then clean the house. At noon I want to go shopping and take advantage of some sales in a nearby store; I would love to get some eggs, butter, and paper towel.

8. I am grateful for feeling a little bit angry about my efforts and being appreciated by others. As such, I have got more confident (or pissed off and does not care anymore). next time somebody tries to walk over me, I sure will stand taller.

———————————–

Things that I appreciate myself for today:

  1. I appreciate myself for working – no matter what I keep going
  2. I appreciate myself for getting more confident, knowing that I deserve a much higher level of appreciation
  3. I appreciate myself for keeping my grounds – I will do that increasingly
  4. I appreciate myself for being excited about shopping and the weekend
  5. I appreciate myself for not getting anxious nowadays and feeling relatively better
  6. I appreciate myself for eating fish and salad
  7. I appreciate myself for helping others

Sunday morning musings

There is another quiet and relax Sunday morning!

Weather is chilly, sidewalks and yards are covered by snow, there is a cup of coffee next to my computer, and I keep thinking how well I have started the day.

For the first time in a while, I woke up appreciating, supporting, and loving myself. The thoughts that raced through my mind were counter-acted by the positive and kind thoughts about myself, telling awesome things like “you will take care of these; you have time to take care of these; and you do and must continue to take better care of yourself“.

Very nourishing 🙂

Feeling Good Happy Dance GIF by Originals - Find & Share on GIPHY

——————————-

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/Originals-clap-happy-dance-lets-do-this-3o6ZteVWrKbvlpIPGU

 

 

Sunday morning musings

It is a great day with the freedom to do nothing and everything 🙂

I used this sentence first yesterday and I kinda liked it – so please ignore it if it bothers you. It just reminds me my own freedom. For a control freak and someone like myself who has a lot of things on her to-do-list, that is a great feeling:)

—————————————-

National Coffee Day GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

I am drinking the first cups of my morning coffee and looking ahead the day:  I have a bean meal to cook (started already); a sourdough loaf to bake (proving right now); a yard to dig and fix somehow; loved ones to speak to; and mentally work on the problem of “what is best for my future self“:

 

1) is it staying at my current job and job environment, and aiming to change my mind set so that I can feel good about myself no matter how negative or problematic the work is?

Can I really relax, lower my expectations from myself, adapt a new attitude, care less, and become more self-confident and just make things happen – if they can happen? 

Not sure, but I sure can try….I am quite aware that my self-confidence is quite low. This is mostly because of myself and the expectations I have from myself. Certainly, it does not help when you self-critique yourself all the time…. Please do not do that, friends; it is good to be aware of yourself, but please be not rigid in your thinking about yourself and others. You change; people change. I too can change. I just do not know how to handle that…

——————————————————

2) is it taking the risk or opportunity (depends on where you are looking from), and looking for jobs aggressively?

Nashville On Cmt GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Assuming that I find a new job that I am content with; 

Am I ready to make this change mentally and physically? Yes, I am. I have done this before – I can do it gain.

Can I move to another city? Yes I can – I have done this many times in the past. packing and getting rid of stuff is a head ache, but it happens eventually. The worst thing would be to ask a couple of friends or contract persons to rent a truck and deliver the stuff to a donation centre.

Can I sell my house? hey, yes I guess so. Also, keeping it and renting is another option, is it not?

Can I leave my team at work? That is gonna be tough….. They trust me that I look after them and advance their work and careers. They trusted me and relocated here….. So it is really tough. I am kind of thinking that we can find better jobs for them; at least we can try. And if not, look for alternative ways. I am sure it is gonna be just fine….

Can I leave my position, salary, benefits, office? Yes, if I can get a comparable one somewhere else.

Will I change? the way I look at my work, performance, and my expectations from myself; will I find myself in a similar situation in the new job too?  This is even a tougher situation for me…… I am not confident that I can be fully happy with my new job, either. I feel like I may end up feeling a similar way; lack of self-esteem may take over again. what will I do then? Start looking for another job? How will it affect me now that I am middle aged?

How will it feel to start a new chapter in my life? Energizing and exciting! It will be great to get rid of the garbage off my shoulders and put my chin up with positivity, fresh air, and hope!

But, if I do not make this change, do I have a chance to change? Do I have to get a new job for these:

  • to have a better look at life 
  • to have better interests and better value to my work?
  • to make positive changes for myself and others
  • to feel good about myself

Reaction GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

——————————————————–

And, most importantly; what is it that I really want? To change myself or to change my work?

Is it about changing what I see or how I see what I see?

Sad GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/national-coffee-day-brIC5x5aSSzWU;https://giphy.com/gifs/kurt-hummel-rachel-berry-mercedes-jones-1IC4eV0EXnzVK;https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-dancing-yeah-HOTfzC3IjaJxK

random thoughts

Our storm continues with heavy rain, rather than snow, and with high winds. It has been a wet, cold, gray, and miserable day, but luckily not a snow-day. I worked whole day at the office and one of my co-workers gave me a ride back home. What else do I want from such a stormy day? Maybe a cup of tea 🙂

I am determined to try to sew a collar again this weekend and start a new blouse project. It is the collars that screw everything most – once I do achieve sewing one acceptable prototype, I know I can keep progressing….. But  there were three trials so far and all were fails. I know I should be more patient and keep going. Eventually I will know how to best handle it. After all, there are so many people who can do a collar. Is there any particular reason why I cannot make it?

I did not think so.

Confidence and determinism are rare traits sometimes.

I have watched a number of youtube videos. There are many different ways to sew a neck line. I can do this! 

———————————–

I have not posted my “weekly budget check” this week. It has been similar to previous weeks where I saved by shopping items/grocery on sale, minimizing anything else. The only difference was that this week every morning I have taken the cab to the office. This was partly because of the bad weather and partly because of my need to feel good about myself. For some reason, I am not sorry. Perhaps one or two days I could rather take the bus, but in the other days taking the cab was the right decision. That is why I am not sorry. And the fact  that money is not everything. And the fact that it is okay to prioritize comfort every once a while 🙂

I wonder what the future years will bring. If our economy was not this bad, in the coming years we would expect to get salary increases. This would be nice and help me to make further plans to pay the mortgage off. I have a little increase coming in April, for which I am grateful. But knowing that our salaries will probably not increase, in contrast, may even be reduced after that, I am feeling disappointed.

Do GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

The other day I was thinking: what other expense I can reduce in my life? How can I get more income? One of the options is to get a roommate – but this will not happen without sacrificing my comfort and freedom. I wish I had a basement apartment where I could rent. At least that would feel like some kind of freedom. But in terms of the expenses, I cannot cut my cable-phone-internet combo; I sure can walk more frequently to office once the weather becomes more permissive; I cannot sacrifice from my grocery and food any further. None of these can happen without reducing the quality of my life or my life style. I can reduce the expenses related to my social life, but hey it is already not too much. So what do I do?

Nothing much. Cherish what I could achieve so much, aim to save as much as possible (possible is a great word here) while also enjoy my life. That is pretty much it.

2017 has been the leanest year in terms of my spending so far. Since it is March 31st, I thought it would be a good idea to check my finances. I usually do this at the end of each year, but it is good to know how I am doing in terms of budgeted categories.

Notable financial accomplishments/facts are as follows: 

1. I am spending much less money this year than before

2. I am walking in the mornings whenever I can – the first time in winter this year (well, okay this is not completely a financial achievement, but an important change in my life this year – so I will keep it in the list 🙂 )

3. I have made an effort to consume the food in my pantry and freezer and it worked really good for me

4. I started to make mortgage prepayments this year and it has been going well. I am more motivated than ever to keep saving, however  little it can be, and use it to make a pre-payment

5. My weekly allowance (of $120) has never been over-spent so far and I am constantly saving in my fund funds (these are the funds left from the weekly allowance). If it continues like this I will have an extra $2,000 – 2,500 at the end of the year in my fun funds account. This is additional to what I predicted that I could save this year. Maybe I will use it for my enjoyment, or maybe I will use it to invest/pay mortgage. We shall see 🙂

6. Of $6,000 funds budgeted for socials, personal care and cleaning products, hobbies, medications and other health-related expenses, gifts, and all expenses other than my weekly allowance, I spent around $1,000 so far. Considering that it is the 1/4th of the year so far, this number is good. I should keep going frugal in these areas, as I happen to shop a lot during the November-December to take advantage of the sales. I hope to keep within this budgeted amount this year.

7.  My chequing account is healthy, above $0, and as usual, I continue to contribute to my RRSP and TFSA investments biweekly. The only thing is that despite all the frugal life-style, regular savings to improve the chequing account has been quite difficult (because of the increased tax, pension contributions, and mortgage payments) compared to the last year. Nevertheless, since it is in a good shape, I am grateful for whatever I can do and I am determined to keep going. 

Fox Networks Group Greece GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/RsJoYFAUiuk00;https://giphy.com/gifs/fox-intl-channels-gr-new-girl-xT0GqKmLJHHumgdHHi

snow storm and neighbours

Snow storm has passed leaving around 2 meters of snow bank in front of my house and making me anxious about whether this snow bank would hurt my house, especially the window facing it…..

It is strange that my neighbors, even the ones across from my house, would shovel their snows towards my house. Where does this come from? Please keep it in your own area. I had to step out a number of times and kindly ask my neighbors to keep the snow on and around their sides… Sigh… One thing that really ticked me off today… Kind of inconsiderate…

I continue to feel agitated mostly because of work-related issues and the snow bank-neighbour issues. Yet, I am supposed to feel good about my life and myself. So how do I find this balance?

I guess it is time that I focus on the big picture, relax, and find the confidence in me that I can handle everything well 🙂

 

 

joy journal – May 25, 2016

1. I am grateful for waking up feeling alright 🙂 This is a rare occasion and I fully appreciated it. I am so very grateful for this feeling 🙂

2. I am grateful for taking the bus this morning. Weather was awesome and i went to work by wearing a jacket rather than winter coats! 🙂 is that not great?

3. I am grateful for working well. I was distracted by a couple of meetings here and there, but all worked out well. One of my team members and I are working on a challenging project. he moved it quite a bit but then like any other things that are done for the first time, we needed to in detail check our approach, methods, and the assumptions/limitations. It is no fun and both my team member and I were quite annoyed but also somehow excited. Once this “confidence building” phase is over, then we will be able to move really fast. I must explain this to my team member better as he is frustrated that we are still not clear about our approach. Fortunately (!), this is a necessary part of the process and we will be done with this phase soon. It is good to have experiences! 🙂

4. I am grateful for my coffee – what a blessing to be able to have an office that allows me to brew coffee whenever I wish 🙂

5. I am grateful for walking back to home early afternoon and continuing to work at home.

6. I am grateful for seeing the nice flower that bloomed in my yard today 🙂

7. I am grateful for chatting with one of my neighbours while I spent time in my yard.

8. I am grateful for my back feeling better and being pain free.

9. I am grateful for not eating too much today 🙂

10. I am grateful for spending the evening and the night relaxing and also reading and writing about my work plans – things are getting clear as I continue to reflect on them. And as they get clear, I also realize how much we have progressed in our projects – that is a great feeling, very satisfying and encouraging. I also realize that I am in a better shape than I thought I was 🙂 talking about self-confidence!

11. I am grateful for being excited about a report at my hand, which I plan to finish in the coming two weeks or so. I really would like to end it before I leave for my vacation so that once I am back, I can focus on new stuff. Finishing things and having its satisfaction are awesome, so are starting new things and experiencing their excitement 🙂

12. I am grateful for it raining today – I did not have to water my seeds 🙂

13. I am grateful for tomorrow being one more day close to the weekend, when I am planning to shop for my yard 🙂

14. I am grateful for the water that quenches my thirst, the food that I can afford and nourishes my body, and my home that provides me a safe shelter.

15. I am grateful for being grateful and finding the opportunity and time to write my joy journal today 🙂

random thougths

We have had another bright day with blue sky; I cannot complain 🙂

The day was busy with 3 meetings; one lasted 30 min; the second lasted 1 hour 45 min; and the last one lasted 1.5 hrs and ended right at 5pm.

Argh – sitting during these meetings is challenging, yet today I was feeling okay. The last meeting went very well actually and we had some progress. Progress always makes it worth attending the meetings 🙂

My mood is better because of that last meeting of the day. It has been about a project that I have been preparing for over a year. So far, I have had presented it once and it was trashed very badly, which had made me feel very bad and angry… I had felt humiliated…. That is a horrible feeling – it had taken me a couple of days to deal with these emotions.

Anyways, today, we met again and with new people from other agencies, it actually got some level of interest. I owe most of this to a colleague of mine, who was I part of the project from the beginning on – his insight (he is an expert of one of the components of the project) and support for the project have helped convince others that there was some kind of value to the project. Eventually, we did not get any financial support yet, we have come up with some initial strategies that I and my colleague need to go thru. These initial steps then may help with further development.

I am indebted to my colleague’s support and the past bad experience that made me move with more confidence and make a better presentation today. If I had believed that I and the project I worked on had deserved to be trashed (the way they made me feel after the first meeting), I would have quit and not even meet today again. But, I did not. I believed in me and the project. In a way, that negative and horrible experience somehow triggered me to be more confident about myself and the project. I love that.

It seems sometimes, failure and the horrible ways others make you feel can be really useful 🙂

forgetting the positive things

I have ranted quite a bit lately about my performance and daily struggles (for example here and here).

As someone who is quite critical of herself, I sure know better than this about myself. I know for example, while I was feeling overwhelmed lately, I kept doing things, especially at work. They may not be the fastest I have ever worked on, but I have nevertheless done several great things.

I have for example completed and submitted an important document by one of my team members for review – this task has been on my to-do-list for almost a year (that explains why I was feeling inefficient with it). While I took the entire responsibility, I forgot that I only have driven it ahead during the last one year. I diligently worked on it, gave my feedback, straightened up, revised and revised… Without my efforts, it could not have been done. So, why not to realize this and celebrate my efforts instead?

Similarly, I have had another document at my hand for sometime now; it has been on my to-do-list for again almost a year. I moved quite a bit and then stopped due to trips and other technical reasons. I just clarified an important point this Monday and from now on there is nothing that keeps me from completing it. So, let me celebrate the removal of these hurdles, all by my own efforts.

There are so many others like this; some of these remained undone so far partly because of me but mostly because of dependence on others. I can only beat myself up for the delays on my side, but not for the delays due to other people…. I am guilty of not taking care of stuff on a timely manner, but I am not guilty of checking things with others (which caused the majority of the delays) – I tried to get to the bottom of everything and do the right thing before some gray areas present themselves as problems in the future. This, now I realize, requires celebration, not beating up myself…

Interestingly, an issue I resolved this Monday also helped with another task delayed mostly because of me (I have no good excuse for delaying this task…). Perhaps, that delay was then helpful, not detrimental.. Another thing to be grateful about….

In the last 3 months, I have done so much – I thought about them today and I liked what I have seen. For example, I have delivered several speeches to colleagues, one particularly got many positive feedback. That I should particularly congratulate myself for..

Yes, there have been delays. Yes, I have not moved things forward as fast as I would like to. But I have done something, some great things in between.

I am getting a more clear picture of things today (at least for my job-related feelings), which is very helpful. I just needed to stop and look back and evaluate things… Taking the afternoon off just for this purpose seems to have just helped this progress in my thinking…

This is the highlight for today 🙂

random thoughts

There has been a number of positive things I have done differently today, so I am excited to be writing this post.

Nothing biggie 🙂 but even the small stuff may be impactful – so, so be it! 🙂

First thing first, the way I wake up does not change much; I usually am not in good mood in the morning, and when I have work to do or want to work (both are the case for me nowadays), the first thing I would like to have is convenience and to reach my office as soon as possible. That usually means taking the cab.

But today thanks to the clock in my bedroom, I could take the bus rather than taking the cab. The reason? I have not fixed it after the end of day light savings and it looks like it is not 1 hour but 1 hour and 15 min off.. So when I came down to living room, I noticed that I could actually take the bus (the bus passes every 30 min here). So that is what I have done! Even though it was windy and chilly, I waited at the bus stop for a couple of minutes and comfortably went to my office 🙂 It made me happy and excited; I know that I can do this more often. I know I can take the wind and chilly weather. I know that I saved some money.

Before leaving my home, my mind was also occupied with work related issues and the hardship of making decisions or taking next steps in the midst of thoughts. Since I have been feeling this way for sometime and I was not able to come up with the “perfect” solution, I decided in the morning to do my best… I practiced being kind to myself and I felt a huge load lifted off my shoulder… Now I can move ahead… No more inaction… That feels awesome 🙂

I enjoyed my day by doing work and canceling an afternoon meeting. I rather came home (I know… I was supposed to spend more time at the office and finish work, but I could not help it today..). And at home, I worked with a sharp focus, reviewed some documents that were staying on my list for months untaken care of, identified their issues and the next actions to take (this part can take some effort and is usually painful if you ask me, but the decision to let go the perfectionism this morning helped quite a bit). I love working and I love my job 🙂 Now more than ever as I am not stuck at issues. Yay! 🙂

The positive feedback I have got for my presentation last week also helped with this positive mindset; I told myself that “I can do this. I know this”. Of course I know what to do, but sometimes I beat myself so much for the name of perfectionism that I lose my confidence.

I gained it back now.

Oh, before I forget, I picked up a little garbage next to my house this evening. I have had seen it in the morning. You may ask “what is so exciting about this?”. Well, it means that I am okay with doing stuff not part of my daily and lazy routine. That is why I am excited! 🙂

random thoughts

The best time for a change is right after another change. At least I guess..

Those who follow my post may remember I have been trying to make some healthy-life style changes (eating better, losing weight, more exercise etc.) as well as conscious spending activities.

It is not easy; I struggle a lot and am hardly consistent. Take my challenge of taking the bus rather than the cab every morning to save funds. Prior to my vacation last month, I was still having mental judo every single morning and often losing the game and taking the cab. The primary reason was the negative mood in the mornings that prompted me for convenience (of the cab rides).

I am doing alright since I came back from the vacation though – been consistently taking the bus in the mornings. It is not too long of a time to make sure that I really have an established habit right now, but it is at least a great progress. Take this morning when I woke up late to take the bus, so I had to wait at home (which I dislike big time) till the next one. I made it though – browsed on the net, checked my emails, and before I know the extra 20 min had passed. I think the fact that I have light work nowadays has also contributed to that; should I have a lot of things to do, I would rather find a justification to take the cab in order to save time. But, whatever the reasons for this, I am grateful and I sincerely hope that I can continue like this. The confidence coming out of this “I can do it” feeling is enormous.

Now I gotta implement my plans to eat better and walk longer. Wishing myself the best 🙂

decision making is hard sometime

Sometime I can make a decision right away. I am talking about daily-life related decisions, such as what to buy, what not to do, how to have my relaxing routine etc.

At work as well; if it is clear and I am knowledgeable or experienced about, I can make a decision in a split second. I am sure many of us behave like this.

Then, there are other decisions, other situations that require a little bit more reflection. In such cases, if the knowledge and prior experience is not available, I found the best thing is to wait a while to re-examine the situation and then make a decision. Surely, others’ opinions I sometime ask or I do my own research, or just listen to my guts. I started this strategy a while ago when I experienced a set-back when I did not re-visit the situation and made a deficient decision. Since then, I practice this “wait and re-visit” policy.

Sometimes, just sometimes though it is not clear to me how much I should reflect, how long I should spend reflecting or re-examining the situation. These times I feel like having a “mental paralysis” which is not fruitful at all. It is also very painful and is draining. Damage to the confidence should be acknowledged as well. Plus, I have to deal with my own self-critique that blasts me all the time.

Sometimes, I just gave up. Not in the sense that I do not care, but in the sense that I accept the limitations of my decisions or the possible consequences. In those times, I believe doing something is better than not doing anything.

So today I made a decision on one of the projects that I had stopped because of an issue. That is an exciting project with very promising results. There is a way to fix the issue, yet this itself may create more problems. So I decided to rather go ahead with minor modifications, which although will not resolve the issue, will at least get the project completed with a little bit of limitation. That is quite a relief.

I am seriously relieved. I know in a couple of weeks I can prioritize that project and finish it. That makes me happy 🙂

I am very grateful and thankful

Despite my best efforts with books and the rest, I actually had a little bit boring Sunday.

Until I got an email an hour ago notifying me of acceptance of one of our projects! The project was re-submitted after years of hard work and hard-turns. It was also rejected by somewhere else previously. I was really nervous and not hopeful in the re-submission made a couple of weeks ago.

Yet the good person who I had submitted the project to, accepted it.

I do not know that person, but certainly I am so grateful and I thank him here.

I also thank all the people who directly or indirectly contributed to it, its data, and its writing.

I thank myself; I have to. I worked so relentlessly on it, from design to finding people to work on it, to convincing people in my unit that it can in fact be done. Six years of effort.

Now I am happy and hyperactive. It is getting close to my usual “going to bed” hour, but I do not think I am sleepy enough. In contrast, I am full of energy and excitement.

The increase in energy is not the physical energy, but rather the “inner energy”; the feeling that I have accomplished something of this calibre before all other competitors, and that makes me feel “confident”, “accomplished”, and “plain happy”.

I have a great motivation to do better projects.

It is okay if I cannot sleep tonite because of my hyperactive brain; it does not change the fact that I am very grateful and thankful.

arguments and relationships

Arguments can either kill the trust, rapport, or the love between two people or it may strengthen them.

I am of open and sincere communication as much as the other party allows. Let’s face it, not everybody opens up well enough. Understanding each other is essential in relationships but it can be quite limited because of un-openness leading to misunderstandings, not clarifying issues/meanings, and conflicting or changing priorities, life events, or feelings. Or just to protect ourselves.

Arguments sometimes is inevitable when the misunderstandings stack up tall or our feelings are hurt for some other reason. At those times, it is difficult to erase the ego or the agitation and to focus on understanding the opposite person and to express ourselves. Sometimes, though both listening the other person and communicating ourselves can help to open up, clear the air, and resolve the issues.

More importantly, we can understand ourselves better in such situations; are we constructive? are we confidently present our case and stand by our opinions/values/actions? Do we have dignity and respect? Do we have confidence and determination to stand tall if the other person is at fault?

Have you ever noticed and liked your behaviour/attitude after an argument, whether it turned out to be resolving argument or not? then you know what I mean.

Have you understood the other person better and realized what might have gone wrong in  your relationship? then again you know what I mean.

being peaceful, kind, and respectful while also being confident and expressive works well sometime. There are two people in the argument, in the relationship. All go both ways.

peace and cheers

Here are the life lessons I have got lately

Here are the life lessons I have got lately:

1. whatever you do, never underestimate yourself; modesty is a great virtue if you ask me. Yet some people confuse modesty with lack of confidence. Horrible experience.

2. never take b.s. from others. Even those people who are very important for your life can push you with their unacceptable behaviour – never let your self-worth to be trashed; never let insults, games, and whatever else you think is an unacceptable behaviour on you by others. Stand up and speak up. Let it be known. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder after that.

3. Try something new every once a while; start a light yoga, stretching, or meditation class. See how you feel during and after the class. have you noticed something new? something different? is it a positive experience?

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: