Sunday morning musings

Life is good right now, with a peaceful mind and coffee on the side.

There are a lot to be said and comment on; the pandemic, the negative effects of the lock-down, and the itsy-bitsy things that keep filling my mind. BUT, this morning, I will rather contemplate on the positives.

It has been more than 6 months that we have been in lock-down. We work mostly from home, going to office only occasionally. One of my team members have not been to his office since the start – they really would like to limit their exposure to common areas. I respect that. They are doing as good as it can be with remote work. So there is no need to be worried about.

Rather, I am glad that he is that cautious and is a great example to many people who would not follow the guidelines. I am lucky as a boss that I have responsible people working with me.

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This brings me to the cluster at White House – I am so surprised by the lack of understanding of the real situation. That is all I can say. Surprised. We are failing in bringing knowledge to the public. While this is a negative thing to say, it should also help do better.

What I learnt from the recent Black Lives Matter movement and demonstrations was that once we accept that we are a part of this – directly or indirectly – then, addressing racism, inequities, and unfairness becomes much easier.

It is the resistance that blocks change or actions that will benefit most.

Accepting the fact that politicians, medical authorities, scientists, and media are failing in disseminating COVID-19 related knowledge out to public is the first step.

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One can argue that even the knowledge is there, its uptake by the citizens/readers is not. True. Then perhaps we must also look into the reasons of this. Obviously, knowledge per se is not enough.

I personally accept that I have not done my part as a citizen to inform others better about the dangers of COVID-19. I will with diligency think about what my next steps can be.

These being said, on the personal side my insomnia almost disappeared since the lock-down and I can handle the emotions and emotional reactions better as I cave in my home.

Home is healing in so many ways, isn’t it? 🙂

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Home. Home. Sweet Home. Enjoy your home and surroundings, folks. The trees, the streets, the houses, the neighbours. When I look at all of them in the last few months, I have seen many beautiful trees and yards in my neighbourhood, and many people doing and talking sweet things. Paying attention to good and a little bit curiosity about life is the spice of life. Let’s enjoy it.

I am not walking as frequently as I had in the first few months of the lock-down. In a month or so, we can expect snow to start. That white, fluffy, and innocent thing always makes me feel more cozy, homey, and celebrate the slow pace of life.

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We cannot keep running; that is why perhaps we can keep enjoying the slow-down. Like what the pandemic has done to us. Like what Winter does to us.

As long as we are safe, healthy, and accept our failures and misses, I believe we will be in a much better place in the next day.

Enjoy your Sunday, folks.

The curious case of…… my life’s purpose

What is the purpose of my life, if I may ask myself?

I know I am supposed to do somethings that will change life as a whole. I will leave no legacy possibly, but memories and important accomplishments for many. I will leave information, knowledge, questions, and answers. I will leave this blog as long the domain keeps it and it is accessible through the internet.

I believe that I am here for a reason or two. I know, like all of us, I am unique in some ways and contribute to life and shaping it. I know there are many things I could do under the right circumstances. I keep coming to the same point that I am not where I am supposed to be and I am not engulfed in what I am really good at and can make a good difference. I should be wasting my energy, thoughts, and time with things that matter most.

What are they?

I have no current idea, but I know things are shaping in the horizon. Whether in this job or somewhere else I will be evolving to a point that rather than struggle and nerve-wars, I will be flourishing.

My best in life is yet to come. I strongly believe in this. Whether through failure or success should not matter.

I read in two different blogs the same question in the last 1 hour; how would you live if you knew you would die soon?

What an interesting question.

We will die, will we not? What then matters most?

I am a true believer of relativity and the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I know I am at the top of this pyramid now and am trying to figure out my place in life and in my career. I question everything and looking for better opportunities. The use of term “better” should signal that I already have other, albeit less favored, options. I know I can find jobs that may or may not pay as much as what my current work pays. It would be difficult but not impossible. I know I could get jobs in other places/countries. I know I could switch to other professions and maybe just work longer than I have planned. Heck, I can stay where I am.

So the future may be blank and with less favorable circumstances, especially in terms of financial security. That is a risk hard to take. Maybe I will take it, maybe I will not. Only time will show.

 

 

 

impulses, mistakes, choices, and life as it is

Like many of us, I made mistakes that shaped the rest of my life for the worse (that is how I interpret them anyhow) upon wishes and desires of my heart, but not of my mind.

I had felt I was suffering anyhow, so the alternative (a.k.a. the mistake) would be equally hurting. So, what the heck? At least I would feel alive; pulsing with life, hope, excitement, and happiness.

And I had 🙂

Yet, I was not the same after a while, somethings were inherently gone, and I missed them. So, that is why I interpreted them as “mistakes”, as there was no opportunity to go back in time and get again what I had had.

I then decided that mindful choices were better than the desires of my heart, safety more than excitement and impulses. Love was out of question, so was taking risks. I become conservative in my look to life and I would rather have a structured/safe life where I would have peace of mind. I also went through financial hardship – being fired twice in a year (even though I found jobs right away and did not even have one day out of pay check) and knowing how valuable a dollar can be (could buy 1.5 cans of beans for a buck those days), I also prioritized financial security as a result..

Now, I have got all of these; a great job with a great salary and benefits in a safe city. Arse boring life, but safe, well structured, and financially secure. 

Do I feel accomplished?

————–

How do I feel really?

————–

I feel like I want to quit this job and find the true desire of my heart again.

Take risks, move somewhere, meet with new people, and have spontaneity and curiosity about life.

Be open to excitement in seeing new faces, new cities, new cultures, and new experiences.

I want to rediscover myself and the course of my evolution…..

But, I will not take an active step and write that resignation letter.

Not yet.

I will know when it is the time to get out of this, and explore and bloom with excitement.

I will know……

I gotta trust that.

Freedom at last.

One day.

I will be waiting.

One day.

 

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random thougths

It is Friday 🙂

This week has passed pretty fast and I did not get tired. That means I am planning to go back to the office, hopefully tomorrow and take care of some stuff. That does not happen to me frequently, but when I feel like working at the office at a weekend, it usually indicates my eagerness to finish something without getting stressed. So it is a good thing 🙂

Tonite I am listening to Amy Winehouse – Back to Black.

It somehow saddens me to see her singing in this video, knowing that she has passed away. What a strong voice, what a vulnerable person. The video clip is so openly about death that it heightens my sadness somehow – did she ever think about her death while shooting this video, while singing this song? Does anything that mattered to her when she was alive matter right now?

The answer is a clear no.

So, why do I keep get upset about the tinniest s.it? I am particularly agitable about someone at work the last few weeks. I want to get rid of this annoyance, these silly thoughts. I want to enjoy my moment and cherish everything I am grateful for. Yet, when was the last time I wrote my joy journal?  I increasingly believe that it is only the human nature to be engulfed in the little issues in the absence of apparently bigger issues.. Maybe I should be grateful that I have such small issues at the centre of my life right now.

……

The last two months have passed very fast…. I cannot put my finger on why. It is not like I was amazingly busy at work or out of work. It is strange. I wanted to live and be mindful of each day. Yet here I am at the beginning of March looking back two months and I cannot identify anything notable that happened in the last 60 something day… Strange.. Weird..

Something needs to change, I guess. First thing first is to find new projects at work and at personal life. It is boring to keep thinking and doing the same thing, going to the same places/stores, and buying the same types of food.

Where is my adventurous spirit?

Where is the curiosity? Once it was continuous. Now it is hard to find fast….

Please do not tell me that I just got old.

I am ready for the new

Happy new year my friends; may all your good wishes come through and may you find health, love, opportunity, nice surprises, wonderful people around you, and fantastic experiences in your life this year and the years following it!

I am ready for this new chapter in my life. I have done something interesting this year and did not have any particular new year resolution or plan.

I am feeling perhaps that is the best, the most promising change in my life, even though it feels weird, out of ordinary… But I have a good feeling about this, too,  my friends, as this year I will live my life a little bit less structured and a little bit more spontaneous. This way I hope to see the life as it is rather than the way I would like to see it.

I declare 2016 is the beginning of leaving my inner protected and boring world and opening to life as a whole with more courage, with more spontaneity, and with more curiosity 🙂

happy new year 🙂

pacifying ourselves

I guess we all have times in our lives when we felt the need to pacify ourselves.

I have been feeling it since yesterday; I am not sure what bothers me, but the fact that I keep doing repetitive actions, such as cross words or puzzles, eat as I please, and spend money more liberally than before tells me that my subconsciousness is working on some feelings and I am unconsciously trying to keep my mind busy…. Or reward it.

In my experience, such periods of self-pacifications ends up with some realizations that hurt at first but then help re-structure myself, my thoughts, or my behavior. That is not always a negative experience; in fact I am curious now what the coming days will bring me. I hope to finally make the decisions that will further improve my life (such as quitting unnecessary expenses and unhealthy habits) or events or emotions that I need to finally face and then move on.

I welcome this episode with curiosity and with the acknowledgement that while it may disturb my emotional world, I know eventually it will be good for me.

self-appreciation: I thank myself for noticing this (life experience is a great thing 🙂 ), being curious about it, and having a healthy and mature stand about it.

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