Pertaining to my last post, I have been taking steps to see the feasibility of a short trip home to see my mom. I really want to see her and I think it would also increase her morale. I talked to my boss and got a compassionate response, I worked hard to finish urgent work matters, and arranged for a covid test that may be needed to board the plane. I have a list of things to do before I leave and things to pack with me.
I am ready to purchase my ticket.
Goodness knows starting to take these steps was a hard one. I know from my anxiety past that making a decision that can change the life for ever is hard and sometimes paralyzing as well. I was more functional as I took one step for the trip. I cannot explain it, but I think I was just too overwhelmed by all the things I must do for leaving Canada and entering my home country, and then coming back. Damn pandemic…….
Anyways, I talked to my siblings today and while they recognize my wish to see my mom, they also recognize that it could be of little help. I have been contemplating about this – my thinking shifted after this.
What is best for my mom?
When I think about this, my thoughts get clearer. It is not about me, but my mom and my siblings who are caring for my mom now. What is good for them? Is my wish to see my mom more important than my mom’s wellness and treatment?
Certainly not. We may be looking for a short disease or a long one. We may lose her soon, or she may recover. I may regret not seeing her in the first case. But, what if instead of seeing her I focus on what is best for her?
See, I think what is good for her is getting the best medical care possible and comfortable life. My siblings will be burnt out soon, so their comfort is also important. I can spend a week traveling, or I can use the efforts and energy (and funds) it has been taking to make a decision and have the trip to their benefits.
Evey minute is a new opportunity to realize and feel. I think now that the most logical thing is to think about their wellness (but not my emotions). While I like this rational thinking, I know from my past experience that tomorrow, I may feel differently, and may want to go again. So one day at a time…. If this is the right decision, then, it will be stable over days. We shall see, my friends.
I feel like a parent making the right decision, not the emotional one, for their kids while they are growing. I do not have kids, but I think this is what it is.