The life in the diary – XV

Fiction

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May 5, 2013

It has been a month that I finally left the hospital. I had a hard time leaving the unit and coming back to my home.

I still am not content with living in my flat. Nope. There is no one to chat here, no one to bring the meal, no one to ask how I am. No one to care about my body.

I feel lonely at home.

It is almost spring. I try to push away the negative thoughts. The harder I try, the bigger they get though. I almost hate my mind for doing this.

It is strange that I feel like I have “two me, two minds”; one is protective of my body that I should care. This mind of mine would do anything to protect my body from that disease. I would eat the best meal, do the best exercise, take the deepest breath, visit the best doctor I can get.

Then, I have my other mind that does all the tricks to divert me. It is selfish and certainly egoistic. It says “I am tired” when I want to walk; “let’s eat fried chicken” when I want to eat a nourishing meal. I am so confused about these duality – am I losing my mind? Will I have to add a therapist to my list of doctors soon?

Who would know a disease could do these to a young woman at the peak of her career, energy, and youth? I had hopes, plans for my future. I was confident, happy, smiling, and laughing. Now all left from me is someone who just calculates every single activity around whether it is good for her body or not. I constantly remind myself how fragile I am.. This is scary, demoralizing, so oppressive….

On top of that, when the selfish mind is around, it becomes much harder. I am on a constant battle to help heal, help protect my body. The majority of the time, I fail in doing so. The majority of the time I force myself to start all over. “Tomorrow it will be fine. Next time I will do better.” I say. But that “tomorrow” does not come and stay for long.  It is an endless, furious battle. What if I completely lose my battle with my selfish mind one day? What if I do not heal completely as a result? I am so running out of confidence. I am so running out of energy.

I feel weak.

Heal my body, heal.

Help my mind, help.

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The life in the diary – XV

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The life in the diary – II

Fiction

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January 26, 2013 – continued

I came home. As I predicted, yes I have cried as soon as I left my doctor’s office. There were people around, I am sure they knew why. I did not care – there is a sweet freedom in not caring what others think.

Yet I was shaky; eyes wet, feet dragging each other. I felt the need to distract, pamper myself. I think I bought a cup of coffee and a muffin from the Second Cup located on the main floor of the hospital. Patients, visitors, staff, and nurses/doctors are all mixed up in the line up. It is interesting how we all wait our turn – no matter what we are, how we are. Just yesterday I was in the same line up, all tensed up and absent minded thinking about the work, the issues, and how to get over them. Yesterday, it turns out, had been a fine day.

My misery today is due the prospect of future desperation. What am I going to do? This question is brutal… Particularly when I do not know the answer. When there is no one around to ask a hand. I will have to figure out a lot of things myself… Maybe it is good. Maybe it will force me to get out of my chain of thoughts. What else can I hope for?

I walked up to home; half crying, half hurrying. Home is as usual welcoming and warm. I just threw myself on the couch, holding my face between my hands, my legs crawled to my belly.

I cried like an unborn child.

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The life in the diary – II

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The life in the diary – I

Fiction

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October 8, 2014

I do not know what to say any more – I felt like whatever I thought so far, I put in writing.
Though it is possible that if I had written more,  I could have discovered more. Said more. I just cannot continue.
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January 26, 2013

My doctor is optimistic; she says I will be fine at no time. It came back, so what?  I am not worried, I have done this before. Yet, I know as soon as I step out of the door, I will start crying. Because it feels unfair.

The first days are complete shock. Being told that you are sick and need immediate medical care is….weird or something…..Its meaning is so thick, so heavy; reality does not sink for some time.

After that, it changes you though. Priorities change for one; I do not care about work that much for example; it does not fill in my entire mind or future worries. No. Neither the fences that I was planning to paint nowadays. I do not care. Let them rot. I hope though I will not lose my job along the way; I need the insurance and the salary. That is the most critical thing I need to keep now.

Will I need someone to care for me at home? Will I be able to find someone to do so? Can I afford it? Who will shop or cook for me? Will I be able to find any friends around me?
But no; let’s not think about these yet.

Not yet.

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The life in the diary – I

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