random thoughts

Exhaustion and fried nerves – I know them very well.

I am very agitated nowadays. I know it from my reactions and how unwell I feel. This too will pass. When, however, I do not know.

Good news is that the weekend is here. I will make it a weekend of self-care and enjoyment. This means not working and not checking the emails – I hope I can achieve this.

Today our administrative staff suggested that I should reduce my work load and care about myself. How true. How do I do this?

Logically I know that if I feel better and energized, and have a clear mind, I can be more effective. Dragging my feet and combing heavily around my mind’s clouds to focus on work and do many things prior to their deadline is not helping my work or personal wellness. It actually drains me even further. I am at a point that I must take that break.

I do not know what I would do this weekend, but I will try to stay away from the computer and work-related thoughts. I want to collect myself and maybe cook healthy meals and think about new things. Maybe I will write a poem, a short story, or start reading about something new. Whatever it is gonna be, I want to remind myself that this is a break, a mini-vacation, and I deserve and in fact need it to keep going.

we are not alone in our struggles

An interesting thing happened today – one of my colleagues burst out her frustration in a meeting we have had. The frustration she had was unrelated to the meeting and the meeting attendees. But we all understood her and supported her. It was heart-breaking to see this otherwise highly cheerful and positive colleague displaying her frustration so rawly. The hurdles she mentioned were highly similar to what I have been experiencing. I felt an instant compassion and fully supported my colleague.

What has been happening to this work place?

Through my interactions with others, this week I heard about experiences of other colleagues as well. They all have the same base problem of being under too much pressure, expectations from them increasing day by day, and the increased workload mandating that we sacrifice from our personal time and mental health. While I do not enjoy finding many of us in this situation, I find it interesting that we hear more objections and voice related to the work environment compared to before. I think together we can form a stronger voice and hopefully get our voice and concerns heard by others, especially by the management. It is a hot pot now – not isolated cases. The future of such a toxic and unsupportive environment is not bright. They better fix it prior to a mass exodus of highly dedicated personnel. This is not the survival of the fittest kind of situation – if you cannot protect the mental health and intellectual capabilities of your people, you cannot really expect extraordinary work that they do, can you?

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This being said, I also mentioned my team members how tired and frustrated I was with some of the things not done or taken care of on time just a few days before. I feel like my endless support to my team has come to an end and is retracting now. I am surprised by this but it is what it is. I keep remembering what someone commented in one of my recent posts – if you are not full, you cannot pour. How true. I wonder about the demoralizing consequences of my frustration on my team members; did they feel the same way that I feel towards my managers? Did they think that I was not supportive enough towards them, or created a toxic environment with unrealistic expectations? I really do not know. But I am empathetic.

This change in my attitude towards my own team is concerning me. I feel like I am really on a dangerous line, which I hope not to cross and go all the way down from there. I want to take a rest, like I have done last weekend with less work and more self-care, but I have so much to do that I would rather work this week…

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The good thing is that I have progressed in making decisions quicker and not spending too much time on trivial points. I also let go of whatever task that does not serve me well. I do not aim for perfection anymore – just today I submitted a report to my colleagues asking them to chip in. Most importantly, the feeling I have got last week, that I was successful and better than what this environment offered to me has been permanent since then. This is amazing. I believe that this is because it is the truth, otherwise my usual skepticism would trash it the next day. I feel empowered by this. Very much indeed.

Nevertheless, I am still tired, stressed, and anxiety is growing in me. I feel like I need additional changes in my attitude towards the work. I will know it when its time comes.

Good night everyone.

 

 

pretending

Ok – I cannot tell lies as a brutally honest person, but sometimes I feel like I must pretend in order to prevent a huge negative consequence.

I have had a very stressful 6 weeks and mentally I am very, very close to exhaustion. My body was exhausted 2 weeks go and 3 days of rest had mended it. But mental exhaustion is something else; you must recharge and cool down and excite with other matters. Or, burnt out is inevitable. It certainly is not an easy deal. I was burnt out once quite badly. It took me almost 3 years to fully recover. This is a very long for a professional with a highly demanding job. I cannot be there again.

Today I emailed two colleagues about a work we are supposedly doing where I am the only one shouldering 95% of the things. I said I am almost exhausted and cannot do more now; would they do their part?

We will see how it goes.

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sleepless

I have submitted an important proposal today, and as usual immediately after that I felt beat….

That is a usual experience – I think it pressures and stresses me so much that when it is done, I get completely drained…. It is like being mentally exhausted and needing a refreshing break..

As a result, I came home early today and spent time with my lovely sewing machine:) I also cooked a healthy meal and enjoyed it very much.

Yet, now I cannot sleep. As a matter of fact I do not want to go work tomorrow. In my case, sleeping late almost always translates into getting up late anyways. Maybe I will take the morning off… I feel like I need that distance from the office….

Anyways, sewing is great, my machine does awesome, I have identified nice projects to start, and I am all excited about it. I just need stuff – like fabric, additional presser foot, threads, rotary cutter, cutting boards/mats etc. I finally ordered a portion of these just a few minutes ago and I plan to shop at the weekend for the rest.

Although it is expensive right now, I believe sewing will open new possibilities and excitements for me. So, it is all good (well.. it would be better if it was cheaper, but what can I do?).

I am kind of worried because I shopped quite a bit lately and I still aim to make an extra lump-sum contribution towards my mortgage before the new year. I am kind of feeling this plan will be difficult to implement, which further stresses me…. I want to convince myself that all expenses I have made lately were for good reasons and were required. Almost all were… Except the sewing stuff of course – but I must also be okay with gifting myself, especially considering how much I gift others, right?…

It is one of these times that focusing on saving money and living the life I want are contradicting each other.

Sigh….

Perhaps I should make that mortgage contribution right away so that I will have a better idea about how much money I have available to me. There is no point in waiting, is there?

With this little self-rant, now I am ready to give another try to sleep 🙂

Have a great night everyone!

seeing glass half-empty

Argh… What a mess.

I am tired.

Almost exhausted.

One thing over the other.

It is all work-related of course…

You know I really believe in the fact that I usually have a tendency to see the glass half-empty. If it was not for my joy journal, I would probably keep dwelling on the negative, issues, and the feelings I experience because of them. And I would miss all the beautiful things happening in addition to them.

I, however, work well.

I, however, take care of stuff to my best.

I, however, witness beautiful things around me.

I, however, cannot accept well the things that I cannot change.

I also do not forgive myself easily.

Argh…

here I am miserable within my own world that I shaped for myself.

I know I am not the only one that goes thru this. I know many people work and face with hurdles as much as I do, even more and bigger. yet, they keep smiling and not exhausting as much as I am.

The reasons I am feeling miserable, stressed, exhausted, and inadequate are because of my own choices towards work – it needs to be high quality, finish as soon as possible, and I should dwell into new fields all the time.

Well, I cannot have a work of poor quality, so I applaud myself for insisting on it. Yet, I can relax the need to finish things in limited periods of time. And I do not have to fly in the new fields, new questions, new projects all the time. Maybe it is time that I realize I have a limited capacity, too. Perhaps instead of challenging myself and others around me, I should focus on what I do best. Maybe I should choose comfort over challenge more often.

Lesson of the day 🙂

joy journal – May 31, 2016

1. I am grateful for getting up this morning. I was tired and got stressed right away about work, but at least I have had a restful night.

2. I am grateful for catching up the bus. It was kinda late but so was I 🙂 so it worked out just fine this morning 🙂

3. I am grateful for my coffee and the new water jar I have. It is such a beauty 🙂 one of these types where it actually looks like a glass jar with a handle. It is not only fun to have around but is also very healthy. I used to drink from an old plastic water bottle… Pew – glad that it is gone!

4. I am grateful for working two hours with quite an intense focus on a document. It drained me but at least it is taken care of 🙂

5. I am grateful for leaving my office for home to keep working at home without distraction. I was tired yet still walked. My work at home went well too but after a while I decided to stop and take a break. I am almost exhausted and this is not a good feeling. I need my energy and mental clarity and focus to finish my stuff in the coming two weeks.

6. I am grateful for eating relatively healthy today.

7. I am grateful for not eating too much today 🙂

8. I am grateful for relaxing the whole evening by watching a TV series and reflecting on the positive things in my life. It helps me to feel better and like everyone else I deserve to feel good 🙂

9. I am grateful for the quiet environment and neighborhood, which makes it easier to take a rest and relax.

10. I am grateful for not using my reading glasses. They tire my eyes quiet a bit )or by reading all the time, I tire my eyes myself…). I need the glasses at the office but at home, I usually can manage without them. This is good and helps with relaxing of my eyes.

11. I am grateful for water! what an energizing and rejuvenating drink! 🙂

12. I am grateful for being calm and having confidence that I will do my best in the coming weeks and will finish things as much as possible. even though I cannot finish everything,  I will be fine with this, knowing that I really worked hard to finish my work 🙂

13. I am grateful for being invited to review a document for a national organization. That is a sign of my national recognition as an expert and I find pride and excitement in this 🙂 I also deferred the deadline for my report a month or so, so that in case I cannot finish it prior to my vacation, I will be able to submit my record after I come back from my vacation.

14. I am grateful for declining to review another report I was invited to review. This time it was an international organization that I had helped in the past. It felt good not to spend time on this task, even though the recognition felt really good. Ironically, my work has more international recognition than a national one. Thus I get more excited when I am invited by a national organization than when I get excited by an invitation from an international one. Weird… I guess we all crave for attention from somewhere we do not get it 🙂

15. I am grateful for my floss 🙂 it works all the time and tells me how my gums are doing. In the last few weeks, my gums have been really healthy (they did not bleed while flossing). I am so happy about this 🙂

16. I am grateful for my job that has flexible hours. It would be better if I had stayed in my office as people talk and to them me not being in the office would mean not working. Only a bunch of people who feel like me and prefer the undistractive home environment to work can understand this. Luckily, I have many people like this around and it feels good to have this support and flexibility.

17. I am grateful for my salary and benefits that make my life affordable and somehow secured.

18. I am grateful for my computer, internet connection, useful websites, and the blogs that I keep reading and learning from 🙂

19. I am grateful for being content and grateful, and having the energy and time to write my joy journal 🙂

exhaustion and taking time to recuperate

Argh.. I am feeling tired. It has been a roller coaster run at work in the last few weeks and I have started to feel its effects.

Things are moving and going well albeit they exhausted me. I have 2 weeks till my vacation, which gives me the extra kick to take care of tasks and projects. Along the way I did not eat well so my body is feeling the strain. This afternoon I have decided to take a break from long hours of work and thoughts and stress that accumulate as a result of it. This decision is healthy and I am pleased I came up with it 🙂 The first thing I have done this afternoon was to eat well 🙂

I will not work or think about work tonite. Tomorrow, with a refreshed mind I hope to feel better and focus on stuff more easily – that should help with the performance and progress.

Have a great day everybody! 🙂

random thoughts

I am somehow exhausted. I blame the hectic diet I have been having lately. I eat much less than what I used to do. This is partly because of the back pain I have had, which prompts me to lie/sit on the bed starting like 7pm every night, as the recliner or the chair are not comfy. Since I am a lazy person, sometime I do not get up and go down to the 1st floor to grab something to eat. As a result, my late night eating is reduced significantly.

This may sound like a positive change, but I am not sure. Considering that I usually do not have breakfast and my lunch is almost always a snack, like canned fish or trail mix, that leaves me with only the dinner as a daily source of nutrition and calories. I am a big girl and I need a lot of calories. More importantly, I should not be too restricting the caloric intake otherwise I believe my body will enter into a starvation mode and will frantically store whatever I eat as fat. That means imbalances in energy metabolisms as well as possible weight gain. Add up to these negative possibilities the feeling of exhaustion I have now, and you realize that something gotta change right away.

My exhaustion may as well be because of the boring work I have done the past few weeks. I have many stuff waiting on my to-do-list, yet I am spending the half of my time to train my team members. I wish that ended soon so that I can take care of my own work. I am mentally bored as a result and that may cause my exhaustion somehow.

Anyways, the good news I went to my bank and increased my biweekly RRSP contribution starting April. That is so cool! 🙂

 

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