totally random thoughts

I do not even know what I am going to write, but, hey – I have a need to write 🙂

It has been a day full of ups and kind of downs at work, but we pulled it out. The end result is okay and another work-related crisis is over. We all grew out of this experience and next time we can do better. No hurt feelings and we will continue stronger than before. This story has ended well and I am pleased with this.

I used to be a perfectionist, and I still am time to time, but nowadays I realize that I am taking it just a little bit easier. Doing the best that can be done under the circumstances is what I focus on, rather than feeling the fear or anxiety of the consequences or the self-blame ignited by the thoughts of why I failed to prevent the issues at the first place. I am just a human and as long as no harm is done, I choose to feel calm. I wish to continue to have this positive attitude in my future. All the time.

————————————–

I rather have had a short walk in the nearby hiking area this morning, but it was more than what I needed at that time. Seeing the nature around me makes me feel calmer. I have a tendency to particularly admire trees. They never fail me and always give me a sense of peace and deep, nourishing love that is oddly joyful. I have touched to the barks of a couple of young trees and I could almost sense their magnificent being. I really believe touching them is felt by them. Do they ever get bored of humans like me? 🙂 I wonder now.

Peace Love GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Since trees are immobilized and live so long, I am curious how they spend their days. They must be feeling the soil through their roots. There may be bugs and microorganisms that munch on their roots. Maybe they form symbiotic lives together 🙂 How do a tree next to another one behave? Do they cross their paths ever? The wind, rain, and snow should all be constant in their lives. The frequent change in these could be keeping the trees engaged and entertained. Sun possibly has a huge role in their lives, warming them. Birds would be resting on their branches and eating their fruits. Do they talk to each other? How does the song of a bird and noise of a critter, bee, mosquito, or a nearby animal make the trees feel, I wonder. Were the trees that I touched today and in the past ever wondered why I was fascinated by them so much and was drawn to them?

I may be silly in thinking and blogging these, but this writing experience tells me that there are limitless number of new experiences I may have in this life.

This is incredibly exciting!

Go claim yours now 🙂

Forest GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

———————–

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/forest-water-Qgfz2N36MgUBG;https://giphy.com/gifs/love-lovely-wzCzwBB2C8poI

 

changing for a better me, for a better time

So this past year has been hard on me – it was highly stressful; I worked long hours; I was skeptical and suspicious of my professional future; I have got my blood pressure peaked a couple of times and almost got panic attacks; I have got my self-confidence shook very very strongly; and I have mostly ignored my daily, personal, simple, and frugal life so that I can channel my energy and time to my work-related efforts and use my money to comfort myself during this hard time.

Got GIF by Game of Thrones: #PrepareForWinter - Find & Share on GIPHY

The hardship started last summer when I realized that our work-place was getting more and more toxic (mostly because of financial issues) and they were openly making comments about firing people. How demoralizing? Very indeed. I worked so hard and did so much for my work and this organization that after all of these, if we get this kind of treatments instead of appreciation, it was time to think about what to do with my future.

  • This was one of the nicest things I have got out of this experience – that I was better than this and I deserved recognition by my work-place, not depreciation like they tend to favor.
  • I also did not want to spend my time trying to prove myself over and over. All these years and after all I have done, what else do they want?? (they do want lots of thing, by the way. It is never enough for them).
  • Most importantly, I realized that I was better than my current work-environment let me be and I was longing for developing further and reaching my personal and professional potential.
  • I applied for a job, for which I did not receive any response back. But that is okay. The important thing was I had started to react to my work/position here and I was being detached from it. This was wonderful – I never thought that I would leave my current job. Great experience!
  • I worked harder and on different topics, which took time and required a lot of courage. I did these. They have not yielded outputs yet, but I am hopeful and determined that they will.
  • I took new roles. That meant lost of time and reading/discussions/practicing to learn new things and taking new risks. It has been tough, but I am moving on smoothly.
  • I exercise new leadership roles and I am developing and discovering about myself in such roles. While this is emotionally challenging (a lot is expected from leaders and knowledge and experience together are required for effective leadership), there is so much I learn about myself that it is amazing 🙂

I also aimed to change myself.

  • I realized I did not want to do what others were in fact supposed to do (my job requires a lot of this if we want things to move – sad truth is that as a project leader you shoulder a lot of the burden others should) and starting to say no. I first said no to reviewing a report, then another, and then another. I try to save my time for the things I want to deal with now.
  • I raised concerns and demanded better working conditions when my work place came to me with a silly tasks to be done (which can be done by someone else pretty easily).
  • I started to distance myself from the colleagues who ate up not only my time, but also my nerves with their negative, demanding, and belittling attitudes. This is one of my most significant victories….
  • I started raising my voice when my friends or colleagues unfairly criticized me – they think twice now I guess. I found that generalization is very easy and people tend to do this pretty frequently. However, seeing the view from the other side is necessary to understand things better. Many people miss that. I am vocal about this now when it comes to me or my work. I won’t take unnecessary and unfounded criticism that easily.
  • I say no to socials with people whom I do not wish to spend yet another minute. 
  • I started to value my time, energy, well-being, professional efforts, skills, and performance more than ever (talking about confidence that my work-place was trying to diminish with the talks of firing us.. What a nice turn of self-opinion? 🙂 )
  • I started to be a little bit more smart and took steps to strengthen my position in my work-place while also developing myself further. I have two positions at my union’s committees and I am not only learning about our rights as workers, but also how to support myself and other workers against any organizational or professional issues. I feel safer and well supported. And in many ways, also protected. I will continue to work in one of these committees in the coming years, which I know is very beneficial for me. It is like a shield that can defer many silly attempts on me and other vulnerable colleagues. I am loving this.
  • I recently realized that I was very content and pleased with my efforts, hard-work, development, and changes. With this comes confidence and shutting down any effort to belittle me or my work. This is, my friends, priceless.

After all, this hard time is turning into a better and more pleasing experience. Like winter ending and Spring flourishing.

Across The Universe Spring GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

————————————————-

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/across-the-universe-6g9fN5IYV9Oc8;https://giphy.com/gifs/prepareforwinter-game-of-thrones-snow-3ohzdUi5U8LBb4GD4s;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

an appreciation of the last 4 months

I made the final deadline of an important task yesterday and as of yesterday I am thinking “what a fantastic 4 months I have had” 🙂

It was hard, stressful, and full of personal and professional struggle, but I made it! Now, all I can reflect on it how beneficial and useful all these were.

let’s start with the beginning; we have had a fantastic summer and I walked during the day in the nature. It was very enjoyable and relaxing. I kept thinking how bright the future would be.

I made a job application out of frustration re; my work place; even though I have not heard from them, it was nice to see what I was up to. A personal and professional development opportunity indeed.

Then I took my vacation time (4 weeks ) to work at home and to get away from the meetings. I have done an enormous number of things during this summer and fall, which is such a great thing. I am very satisfied with my performance, even though I have no idea how the outcome will be. I trust life.

I made two over-seas trips (business trips) and have had interesting experiences. I was so focused on working that I missed many opportunities to enjoy my life, but now I just laugh at my naive-ness 🙂

I have dealt with serious and difficult tasks, one particularly very challenging. It dragged me down, made me suspect my abilities and made me lose precious time. But I made it, however imperfect it was. And I learnt about myself a long the way; I learnt that I do not quit when it is important for me. Something that I respect myself for. This experience also made me realize that I pull through difficult times, no matter what, and I can do this again!

In between all of these, I also decided to transition to gray hair, and boy, have I got the most challenging time! I hated my hair, felt old and lost, but kept going anyways. I am more brave than I think I was. What better feeling than this?

I have learnt that I can take risks and not be scared of them or failing. I learnt that I am stronger than I think I was and this feels great.

I have had a wonderful 4 months and now that it passed, I can reflect and realize.

I love this opportunity to learn about myself, changing as a person and as a professional, and undertaking more serious tasks and experiences.

Life is good my friends 🙂

 

 

feeling agitated and believing in adventure

One of these times when things are all too much, some people are doing stuff that they are not supposed to, my nerves are cracking, and I feel low and agitated. But hey, it is all adventure 🙂

Why adventure? 

I do not know – I saw a post today by a fellow blogger I like to follow. The post somehow linked the “unexpected” with the “adventure” and here I am; inspired and doing the same thing; linking the agitation I feel nowadays with an unknown adventure 🙂

Naturally, I am trying to move on and feel good by finding the positive among all the muddy and spiky agitating experiences. I know my (agitating) feelings will subsidize eventually and I will feel okay again. So, it is only a matter of time before I leave these behind.

But not before I get what I am supposed to get out of these experiences.

That is the adventure 🙂

 

joy journal – Nov 27, 2016

Tonite, I have find my mind going around negative thoughts and feelings- what better reason to write my joy journal? 🙂

1. I am grateful for sleeping well, having many dreams, and interpreting them. I am not an interpreter but among all three dreams, there was one common theme – that I was dwelling on/keeping the (negative) past memories and events too much. It is time to let these go and move on with a positive attitude, and create new memories…

2. I am grateful for the coffee I have had at home. I love brewing coffee at home 🙂 why did I not do that before? Until three weeks ago, I only brewed my coffee at the office and at the weekends I bought  myself coffee at coffee houses. As part of my minimal spending plan to finance my additional shopping during the holiday season, three weeks ago I started brewing it at home and this week I realized how much I actually enjoy this 🙂 I would love to make it a better experience by buying maybe better and aromatic beans for a change. I love vanilla and hazelnut – flavored coffee :). Otherwise honestly the coffee at the coffee houses are much better than mine! Time to change this 🙂

3. I am grateful for speaking with my family and having lots of laughs together.

4. I am grateful for catching the bus and going to the shopping mall. On the way back, I needed to wait around 40 min for the bus, but, hey, what can I do? In the past I would take the cab, but my conscious choice is to be able to save my money for more important things… So, even though it was a dump and rainy day, I was grateful for waiting for the bus inside the mall and keeping dry..

5. I am grateful for the french press coffee maker that I purchased – it was on sale and I have got an additional discount. It did not cost me too much and it looks really lovely. Upon my return I brewed coffee in it and I must say it is even better (lid is more solid and secure) than the presser at my office. I could not be happier for having this affordable, beautiful, and useful item 🙂

6. I am grateful for all other items I purchased today, which all will be useful in my life.

7. I am grateful for dying my hair 🙂 I am so not excited about this, yet I gotta do it every month or so 🙂 I am trying a new shade and it looks like the dye itself was better than the previous one. Thank you 🙂

8. I am grateful for being 190 pounds 🙂  I was heavier. In 2016 I lost around 15 pounds, very slowly. I am no sure about the exact reasons, but it is mostly because I do not eat late at night anymore (I used to eat a lot before I go to sleep…). I am very happy with this new habit and the positive outcome it brings to my life. My aim is to drop another 10-15 more pounds, maybe in a year or so and hopefully keep them off. The trick is to have this healthy eating pattern over time – a great trick 🙂

9. I am grateful for making conscious choice of letting negative things go off my mind and reminding myself to keep having a happy mental state. There are things that bother me… yet, I have been feeling so great lately that I will not let these thoughts/feelings ruin my overall mood. Feeling good is an amazing thing and I would love to keep it as much as I can.

10. I am grateful for making the better choice of buying and eating dried fruits than biscuits at the shopping mall 🙂

11. I am grateful for the big salad and the healthy meal I have had at home for dinner 🙂 They are healthy and good for my quest to lose fat.

12. I am grateful for having the night to myself and enjoying it as much as I can by watching movies and reading – what a blessing!

13. I am grateful for being safe and sound in this bad weather. We have had quite a rainy and windy day today and the wind is pounding everywhere. It is awesome that my home is standing tall and keeping me safe during this difficult weather.

14. I am grateful for having lots of food at my fridge. freezer, and pantry. I have a lot of things to consume in the coming months. The minimal shopping plan that I implemented in the last three weeks was very useful in consuming what I already possess, but I am thinking I can do better. For one, I have not eaten dry food lately and I may as well focus on consuming them this week. This will help me not only save from my current grocery bill, but also give me a chance to replace them with fresh ones.

15. I am grateful for my computer, internet connection, power, heating, appliances, furniture, clothes, books, TV, and all other items I have at home. They make my life easy, comfy, enjoyable, and safe.

16. I am grateful for my joy journal and taking time to note all the lovely, exciting, interesting, valuable, lovable, and appreciable things, people, and experiences 🙂

so it has been 2 years blogging…

wordrt

So it has been two years that I started this blog??

Wow!

Time has truly flied.

I started this blog to keep my mind busy with something new so that I could heal my heart break. I was not interested in neither writing nor reading blogs.

At first, of course…

Then, things have changed.

I started to be brave and enjoy putting in words whatever came to my mind. I wrote my first poetry here; often without editing or revising, and in my second language. A couple of them turned out to be good. Surprising…. I write my joy journal here. My humble lazy recipes. My daily ordeals and baking adventures. My struggles with issues, work, unhappiness, and loss of dead ones, to count a few. Over time, I opened more and more about myself, my inner world, and my life – I never thought I would in a virtual world. What a blessing and freeing opportunity.

I also started to enjoy reading others’ blogs and learning from them; the pain, love, excitement, and issues of people out there; I come to realize once more that we all were more or less the same. I thought and reflected a lot. I still do.

I met with wonderful people here; supportive, smart, sincere, genuine, and lovely. I found myself in a community – a virtual but nevertheless real community.

The recipes made my day; even though I did not like cooking. I sure tried many bread recipes posted here, though.

I did my most frequent decluttering activities, thanks to many bloggers here that inspired me with their efforts, plans, and wisdom.

I got many useful tips about budgeting, saving, and financial health. Some of them I implemented in my own financial life.

I learnt about others’ suffering, like sickness or treatment. I developed empathy as a result.

I learnt things that I had never thought before; like minimalism, homesteading.

I learnt about myself; not only by blogging but also by interacting with other fellow bloggers.

Blogging, in a sense, has changed me and my life next to my family, friends, unfortunate life events, and career.

I never thought it would.

I am mesmerized….

And hugely grateful….

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

how do I feel as a person who just came back from vacation?

Hello friends!

After 5 weeks of being away, I am back!

I sure have had the most interesting vacation ever (vacation = going to my homeland to visit my family).

There were many nice things that I have experienced during my vacation; like seeing family members and friends.

Being away from my everyday routine and the often-times stressful work was an exceptional plus.

I swam at the sea, got lots of sunlight, ate the freshest fruits and veggies, shopped for nice stuff, and made important realizations and decisions for future that may make things better.

I am refreshed and energized, and as usual I have my resolutions in place to work on, such as to lose weight and to make a better, more social, and meaningful life out of my usual routine-based, work-focused, and one-person life (these two resolutions are recurring themes that I was not able to achieve yet… so wish me luck 🙂 ).

Yet, interesting does not necessarily mean that I have had a beautiful, happy, and joyful time during my vacation. On the contrary…

For example, at the beginning of the vacation, I have experienced emotions that sometime reached to a level very close to hate (which is very unusual for me….). Hate is a very bad feeling – I do not want to feel it. Like ever.

I made many trips to other cities and had to spend time with some annoying people, which made me physically drained and emotionally agitated.

I made mistakes and emotionally hurt some good people.

And, later through the end of my vacation, there were historical and very negative external events developing and making me realize that none of the ridiculously non-essential issues (that made me feel hate-like emotions or break good people’s hearts –  what was I thinking?????) in fact should matter in life or occupy my mind/heart….

I hope I am better than before because of these experiences.

Sometimes life feels like a cheap toy to me: it is awesome one minute and the next moment, it does not mind breaking in front of my eyes. It is as if it requires extreme care, intuition, relaxation, communication, consideration, intention, and luck all the time. That is tiring….

Thankfully, it is also miraculous, beautiful, and awesome the other times……

 

————————————————————————–

I hope all of you have had a great summer and great experiences, too.

I have not read all the posts posted while I was away by those bloggers I follow, but I know that some of you have had bad news recently and are keeping their positive attitudes towards life’s hurdles (Go Team Red Phoenix Go! ).

Sending positive vibes to all of you! 🙂 

random thoughts

I believe it is around a year that I have started my blog here – I just surprised myself by remembering this.. A year.. Wow…

A year ago I was writing my first posts, not knowing what exactly this blog would be about. Not knowing what to expect to find. What to write. How or whether to respond to comments or how or whether to write comments on others’ posts.

A lot changed since then; I have evolved, so have my blog. It is pretty neat indeed.

Posts and bloggers I like to read have changed since then; mostly expanded. Sometimes I got to learn about new concepts, sometimes I just remembered, sometimes I knew about the topic but read the posts anyways – just to see the other point of views.

Sometimes I followed blogs first for some reason and then continued to read their posts about a variety of topics. Sometimes, I read a post first, something clicked, and then I followed the blogger. The reasons for choosing the blogs I follow (or unfollow) amuses me somehow.

One new concept I learnt about by reading posts here was “minimalism”. What an interesting concept that I can totally relate to. Boy, am I glad I learnt about it. I cannot think about another concept that was uniquely a blogging experience.

Other concepts I read in posts I knew before, but they have a great role in “reminding” me. Decluttering is one example. Reading the posts about it has been a very inspiring experience; I have done one of my biggest decluttering activity in years thanks to this experience. I must credit getting warm to the idea of thrifting and donating all bunch of stuff after I declutter to the thrifty stores to the posts I read here about decluttering.

Saving, budgeting, frugality, and conscious spending have been ongoing topics for me in the last 5-6 months. Similar to other topics, reading the posts has been incredibly inspiring and useful. All the tips and great points made about them. Knowing that I have not been the only one. Seeing that the majority of the tips work in my life. Keeping being inspired to do better in my budgeting and saving. These are still the most important topics that I keep reading about, almost every day.

One may argue that after a while, new posts may not be as useful as the ones I have read at the beginning (where the learning curve was steeper). That is partially true – I can say that I now know the majority of the tips/experiences written about in the posts. However they are still useful – to remind myself about this important goal of mine. That is why I read the posts on these topics very frequently and with delight.

There are a number of other interesting tags that I follow, some of which include renovation, housekeeping, cancer, and DIY.

Knowing how dynamic is my interests and what a variety of topics the blogs I follow write about, I am curious and excited about the future tags I will follow, future topics I will learn about.

keep up the great work everyone 🙂

cheers

breaking the routine – March 11, 2015

Okay.. today was another agitating day at the office. I seriously need to take a break and cool down…. I need to “break” that “agitation” cycle that has become a “routine” for me lately.

In terms of “breaking my routine” in life, I was not spontaneous or mindful enough to note the feeling of “I am doing it! I am breaking my routine!”. Just by chance while waiting the bus on the way back home, I took the bus that passes a little bit away from my house. That helped me to see a different route and also walk a little bit longer than usual. Most importantly, it helped me to go to the store and do my grocery shopping. I usually shop on thursday-saturday time frame. So let’s hope that was a change today that helped me to break my routine.

I really would like to break my routine and change things, activities, places, and thus experiences. I think I need to pay more attention to this exciting idea.

time to plan 🙂

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: