Change is easier when I feel but not when I think about it

I have been waiting for these feelings I experience for some time. I knew that one day I would detach from work and my current life plans, and move on. These days seem to have arrived.

The recent heart-opening experience with one of my family members having a near-death accident has changed me and gave me the much needed shake off. No matter how much I try to think logically to keep going here, I kind of know that I was born for something better and bigger. My work is satisfying but it comes with lots of stress and many little and big work left on my shoulders by either my employer or my team members. I like both of these, but I am resenting the fact that I am not allowed to use my time for things that I am most capable of and it is rather wasted with things that a young colleague with no or little experience can do.

Stress. No or little appreciation. A lot of little work eating up my time. Resentment. Toxic and highly pressuring work environment. Working close to 14 hours everyday, including weekends and holidays. Having financial and employment insecurity. Sleep problems. Lack of time to care for myself, mentally and physically. Lack of assurance.

What was I thinking in keep going with this job?

I know what I was thinking.

I had low self-esteem to find a similar position somewhere else and the job position was something that I have always dreamt of. I was not able to deal with my fears and as such did not want to change my environment, either.

Well.

I may change this environment quite easily. As a matter of fact I feel like I will do this soon. More and more roles that I once dreamt of have been offered to me this week by my organization and more and more I think about not accepting them. I want to commit less to anything or anyone other than myself and my family. I want to make sure that when I decide to leave, I will have freedom to do so, fewer team members to place in a new unit, less furniture to sell/give away, and less responsibility to complete. This is great to feel.

I still have commitments that I must honour. I am doing my best to help move them, but goodness knows if I do get others involved not doing their part and leaving things on my shoulder again, I may as well just quit it there. I know this is a scary thought and I should not feed it, but when one asks themselves constantly “how long more to do these and at what expense?” there comes a moment that the last chain in the link is broken quite easily and it feels right and whatever mattered prior to that moment does not anymore.

I am not asking or planning for this, yet if it is its time, it will happen.

In the mean time, I will enjoy my detachment to my past plans/work and freedom to dream the bigger and better life conditions and job that I know I deserve and I will attain.

 

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all the good things – check

It has been a fine day, my friends. Not spectacular but just fine – I am grateful.

  • sleeping an hour longer than usual and resting with ease – check

this has been a welcome change in my early bird/short sleep habit. I woke up at around 4-5 am, but was able to go back to sleep or just lie there without feeling stress or dealing with negative thoughts. I have had some peace at last 🙂

  • treating myself to some baked goods from the coffee shop – check

I usually do not do this, but today was the day that I in fact craved for some comfort food. I am glad I treated myself

  • engaging in a meeting with an important focus and doing my job – check

don’t we all love meetings where we just sit and are expected to nod heads or something? I am not interested in sitting in an environment unless I engage my head and contribute to discussions. This means sometime finding myself in trouble 🙂 but this is okay. I am getting increasingly aware, thanks to this kind of meetings, that I am methodological and would like to see/know the facts before I can make a decision. This is in contrast to many people who I would label as kind of conformist as they just sat there and vote for what the majority or the leader does. Do you see why I said earlier that I sometime find myself in trouble? 🙂

  • finding out that I had a supporter in that committee – check

one of my colleagues approached me after the meeting and we talked about the dynamics of the meetings, sub-groups that support each other, and how we both fit in it. It was great to have this conversation, as I found myself think more about my own behavior and realize a thing or two. I realized I did not care about the opinions of the other members who would dislike my questioning or comments. I realized also what a positive effect I have had on my colleague now that they felt supported as well. How fresh and how lovely….

  • gifting a friend of mine with some pots and other stuff – check

my friend has been very generous with me and she gifts me all the time with new plants or with food. Last week she brought me some food, which I enjoyed very much. I thought that I could get her something she was likely to need or use, and I ended up with purchasing a number of lovely pots for her a few days back. She was excited and happy to receive them and seeing this was awesome. Generous people like this person deserves every kindness

  • getting a ride from another colleague of mine – check

I was so exhausted at noon that I jumped into this opportunity – it was lovely of her to do this. Yet another generous person 🙂

  • forcing myself to work at home, but finding myself quite un-enthusiastic – check

why would I be ever grateful for this kind of negative experience???

I can tell.

I noticed once again that I was the boss of myself and if I did not work I would not feel good. I consider doing grocery shopping and then ruled it out. Since I was determined to use my time well so that I can catch up with the mounting work, but also I was not really into work that requires high level of focus, I decided rather to clean and organize my home. I had not had a chance to do so last week. My friends – it felt great to be seeing my home clean, my floors, shinny, and my desk decluttered! I felt an immediate relief and a sense of peace and harmony 🙂

  • completing and online learning module with ease – check

while I was not into work, I wanted to at least take care of minor things that I was supposed to do in a week or two, so that later I could have time for much important things. This module did not take much of my time, but learning the main points made me feel satisfied with myself. I used my time effectively and opened some space for later. So I am very pleased with my decision 🙂

  • cooking not one but two dishes and eating them with a great appetite – check!

I have not cooked in the last 2-3 weeks. This felt very nourishing and pleasing. I am very happy with this!

  • feeling all energized and positive after these experiences today – check!

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I wanna believe..

I wanna believe that I am capable of feeling happy all the time.

The moment I need to criticize someone’s performance (at work we need to do that as managers) I start to feel stressed and negative. It is as if the thoughts about the negative performance of the other person is the thoughts about myself. “You will have to work a little bit harder, and complete this task on time – it is critical” “This is not going well – how do you plan to overcome this problem? “If it continues like this we will have to bring in someone else to finish this project” “I do not think this is how it is supposed to be done“. As such, I feel bad because of all the criticism that go thru my mind.

I had read here on someone’s blog yesterday that you must surround yourself with the people you like. So true!!!! If you surround yourself with the people you like and admire, I am sure you are filled with the feelings of love and admiration. If you surround yourself with the people you do not like or have to criticize, then you will feel down.

I believe, really believe, that your circumstances, your line of work, and your daily practices are all shaping your emotional state.

I believe I can change, though. I want to be happy and feel good. I know I am capable of doing it. I have done it and I can do it again.

I wanna believe.

poetry and love

I am listening to a song from a few decades back. It is beautiful.

A part of the lyric says something like this ” do not let anyone to see you, before I do see you“. 

This kind of words affects me romantically and quite deeply. The pain and fear of losing the loved one, the innocent jealousy, the sincere admission of all of these raw feelings and only for our loved one.

Love is a great thing, my friends.

It literally gave me wings once. Joy. Zest for life. A hint of purpose. A different world. A different life. A different me.

I miss these feelings.

The only thing I could not experience was jealousy.

I have never been jealous of my loved ones. Why is that, I wonder. Was I unafraid of losing them, did I not love them, or did I just not have them at the first place?

Hard for me to know.

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Sunday morning musings

There is another quiet and relax Sunday morning!

Weather is chilly, sidewalks and yards are covered by snow, there is a cup of coffee next to my computer, and I keep thinking how well I have started the day.

For the first time in a while, I woke up appreciating, supporting, and loving myself. The thoughts that raced through my mind were counter-acted by the positive and kind thoughts about myself, telling awesome things like “you will take care of these; you have time to take care of these; and you do and must continue to take better care of yourself“.

Very nourishing 🙂

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decluttering home and emotional health

I have been cleaning and decluttering my home in the last 3 days.

I am not done yet, but I am finally becoming very pleased with the progress.

I knew that decluttering would help me release pressure and old scars; this has been exactly what has been happening.

I have been angry the last three days; I fought with people in my mind; remembered bitter encounters; and became angry and tearful. All while cleaning and decluttering. There is a direct correlation between dumping the physical clutter and dumping the emotional garbage. 

The other day I decluttered my wardrobe. I have a nice collection of donations and some hefty cleaning cloths made up of my old clothes 🙂 My wardrobe looks slim now and contains only those that I like or am interested in 🙂 Feeling fresh and joyful looking at it 🙂 There  is so much space. It is not crowded and over-whelming anymore. What a beautiful feeling….

Today, I have decluttered my storage area, which is a scary place. Last year I had refrained from getting in there. This year I have done it – I removed all the empty boxes, wrapping supplies, extra and useless paperwork (lost of it) and a couple of useful items that I had forgotten I have had. It looks clean, empty, safe, and fresh. Nothing to be scared of. Just the way I needed to feel. 

This is the 4th day of my paid holidays, and finally I feel like I am dealing with my bottled emotions, head butting with them and experiencing them, and then letting them move on.

And just like I remove the old, battered, and un-useful items from my home and my life, I become ready to welcome new and exciting items and experiences right into my life.

life priorities

I woke up feeling a little bit lost thinking that my life priorities need to change and I should re-prioritize what are important.

For my entire life, my work was prioritized mostly because I love what I do (mostly).

In the last 3 years or so, I prioritized my personal and financial health over work a little bit after I purchased my home: I was not highly successful in terms of personal health (I had a lower back problem that ended me in the emergency, which still acts time to time; I have not lost the extra weight I am carrying around even though I am 5-10 pounds lighter than 5 years ago; and I have not been consistent about eating a variety of food every week). But I was more consistent with the financial planning, frugal spending/budgeting, and savings.

The last 6 months, I became agitated by the toxic work place and all the pressures. One solution to overcome this feeling was working more (irony, is it not? 🙂 ). So I worked almost non-stop since the beginning of July. I feel tired, stressed, and somehow more accomplished. Sadly, working hard and stress also means eating junk and getting lazy and not walking as much as I would. Also not saving as much as I would.

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Thus, I realized this morning that sometime setting priorities do not work and we may not be able to keep up with all of them at the same time. It does not mean we cannot try. It just means that realistically it may not be possible and that can be okay.

In other words, I forgave myself for eating junk food! 🙂

Joking.

I forgave myself for changing priorities and not sticking up with the most important one.

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I know that my traditional annual reflection time (aka holidays ) is coming and it is only natural to realize these now that we are close to it.

For 2018 I would like to prioritize my health and well being, work, and family; they go hand-to-hand. Financial plans will be my least of priorities this year. This does not mean that I will not be budgeting and aiming to save; just reminding myself what is important more.

Family cannot be prioritized enough. We as mortals are here for this moment and may not be the next one. What $ and work can replace the people we love? They will be on top of my list.

I enjoy not having a chronic disease, but who knows what will happen next year? Probability of having one increases with each age. Thus, I will care about my eating, exercise, and lower back as much as I can. 

And work? I can continue to work but maybe a little bit less intense and more effective. What I need is a way to control my feelings and find a venue to vent them out and clarify my mind. The yoga classes offered close to my home always relaxed me, yet looks like they also exacerbated my lower back problem. Goodness knows, I want to start again to feel that way. I wonder whether there are programs designed specifically for people like me having back problems? One thing to check.

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Saturday morning musings

It is a beautiful morning 🙂 Birds are flying, trees are washing with the breeze, sun is warming and inviting, and coffee is just great 🙂

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When we grow up we listen to a lot of fairy tales. After a period of hardship, difficulty, and loss of hope, lost of great things, opportunities, and beautiful things happen in those tales. I once or twice reacted to this in my adult life, saying that the reality is in fact not like this and they fooled us by believing in that everything will be beautiful at the end. I felt like these tales were not representative of real life.

Today I think a little bit differently. I think we needed these tales to realize that things can turn to better way. That we should have hope and faith that things can and will be better in the future. It is not realistic to assume this is always to case, but the truth is that there is a chance that it will turn better and we must believe in this and find some kind of relief, hope, and optimism, rather than dwelling into negative chaos. 

So I repeat this sentence since yesterday:

“Everything will be great”

To recognize this chance and shift the focus of my mind from negativity to positivity. It worked this morning and may work at other times. I will use my chances. After all life is all about learning, experiences, growing, shifting, and most importantly about noticing and enjoying everything it can offer to us. 

And today I enjoy not only my coffee, but being alive, safe, healthy, and the well being of my loved ones.

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Sunday morning musings

It is a great day with the freedom to do nothing and everything 🙂

I used this sentence first yesterday and I kinda liked it – so please ignore it if it bothers you. It just reminds me my own freedom. For a control freak and someone like myself who has a lot of things on her to-do-list, that is a great feeling:)

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I am drinking the first cups of my morning coffee and looking ahead the day:  I have a bean meal to cook (started already); a sourdough loaf to bake (proving right now); a yard to dig and fix somehow; loved ones to speak to; and mentally work on the problem of “what is best for my future self“:

 

1) is it staying at my current job and job environment, and aiming to change my mind set so that I can feel good about myself no matter how negative or problematic the work is?

Can I really relax, lower my expectations from myself, adapt a new attitude, care less, and become more self-confident and just make things happen – if they can happen? 

Not sure, but I sure can try….I am quite aware that my self-confidence is quite low. This is mostly because of myself and the expectations I have from myself. Certainly, it does not help when you self-critique yourself all the time…. Please do not do that, friends; it is good to be aware of yourself, but please be not rigid in your thinking about yourself and others. You change; people change. I too can change. I just do not know how to handle that…

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2) is it taking the risk or opportunity (depends on where you are looking from), and looking for jobs aggressively?

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Assuming that I find a new job that I am content with; 

Am I ready to make this change mentally and physically? Yes, I am. I have done this before – I can do it gain.

Can I move to another city? Yes I can – I have done this many times in the past. packing and getting rid of stuff is a head ache, but it happens eventually. The worst thing would be to ask a couple of friends or contract persons to rent a truck and deliver the stuff to a donation centre.

Can I sell my house? hey, yes I guess so. Also, keeping it and renting is another option, is it not?

Can I leave my team at work? That is gonna be tough….. They trust me that I look after them and advance their work and careers. They trusted me and relocated here….. So it is really tough. I am kind of thinking that we can find better jobs for them; at least we can try. And if not, look for alternative ways. I am sure it is gonna be just fine….

Can I leave my position, salary, benefits, office? Yes, if I can get a comparable one somewhere else.

Will I change? the way I look at my work, performance, and my expectations from myself; will I find myself in a similar situation in the new job too?  This is even a tougher situation for me…… I am not confident that I can be fully happy with my new job, either. I feel like I may end up feeling a similar way; lack of self-esteem may take over again. what will I do then? Start looking for another job? How will it affect me now that I am middle aged?

How will it feel to start a new chapter in my life? Energizing and exciting! It will be great to get rid of the garbage off my shoulders and put my chin up with positivity, fresh air, and hope!

But, if I do not make this change, do I have a chance to change? Do I have to get a new job for these:

  • to have a better look at life 
  • to have better interests and better value to my work?
  • to make positive changes for myself and others
  • to feel good about myself

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And, most importantly; what is it that I really want? To change myself or to change my work?

Is it about changing what I see or how I see what I see?

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job situation assessment

I do not know whether what I am doing is right or plain stupid, but I am looking for jobs. I think I have found one ad that may be a good fit for me.

But I am hesitant to apply – is it too much of a work to make this application/interview? Do I really want this change in my life? What if it is not a unionized position and they can kick me out anytime they want?

What are my choices really?

Right now I have a respected position. I have a nice-figure salary. I have benefits. I am capable of doing many different things and getting involved in a variety of activities that are related to my profession. I have a simple life in a small city. I am capable of saving money. I have a routine. Life is easy and abundant. I am bored sometime, but life works well. Work, however, is stressful and full of problems and problematic people. One problem of mine is to be involved in too many stuff and getting fragmented. We also have the demoralizing financial issues, for now and for the future, and the constant nagging feelings of “we should be doing more” and “I am not good enough“.

While the idea of resigning and leaving things behind sounds awesome to me, I think I should be careful about the risks of potentially incorrect decisions. I realize today, for example, that being unionized is very important to me. I also realized that my salary is in fact a great one that many people would love to have. So would it not be possible for me to look into the positives of this job and identify more as to what is important for me?

Analysis

What I appreciate about this job and my life in this city?

  • Great salary/respected job position
  • Some level of safety/being unionized
  • Freedom on projects and activities undertaken
  • Ability to save and invest for my future
  • Simple and easy life

 

What I do not like/appreciate about my job and my life in this city?

  • The stress of undertaking too much work/not being able to say no to requests for help (This can be fixed)
  • The delays in organizational support systems; lack of efficient systems to keep things moving (I cannot do much about this, other than accepting the situation as it is)
  • Feeling inadequate. The constant struggle to “achieve” things. (This feeling is constant and life is too short – so what do I do? How do I handle this feeling? Work better? More? Smarter? Luckier? Among everything else, this is the one that is hard to digest. I really dislike this feeling)
  • The unhopeful future financial forecast and pension plan changes; the possibility of deeper provincial financial issues that can erase what has accumulated in terms of pension contributions and the house equity (This is very scary)
  • The possibility of more pressure on us because of the fiscal problems; the talks and acts of firing; the demoralized and agitated environment

 

I can still apply for jobs and who knows, maybe I will come across a great one. I do not have to seriously consider a new job unless I have got a great offer. Those that did not yield an offer, or with unsatisfactory offers are not the problem – I can turn them down. So.. With this in mind, I think I will just relax now. I gotta relax and handle the future uncertainty as well as the feeling of being inadequate… That is the best remedy for now. Let’s hope I can do that.

in awe and in love

You know what I love most about falling in love, or seeing a historic monument/art piece most?

The feeling of being awed.

The admiration  I feel.

The feeling of being how lucky to have this experience.

Getting all the cells in my body energized.

The mesmerisation, excitement, silly smiles I get. 

Forgetting everything and focusing on a great thing, a great person.

With increasing age I found that these feelings are showing up less and less.

One may not be able to fall in love with planning, but one sure can plan a trip to see what they want to do, what they want to see. I hope all of you guys have some plans for the summer.

unhappiness

poem

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sometimes we must accept that

we do not have all the answers

and we cannot get everyone’s circumstances

in these cases;

empathy has the softest voice

and silence has the sweetest tune……

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PS: the interesting thing is that I wrote these words in anger as a response to a comment on one of my posts about unhappiness. I hardly get upset about the comments on my posts, yet in this case I had taken the comment as “blaming” me for my unhappiness, which is ridiculous. Nobody wants or plans to be unhappy. Right?

Right.

Cheers! 🙂

feeling agitated and believing in adventure

One of these times when things are all too much, some people are doing stuff that they are not supposed to, my nerves are cracking, and I feel low and agitated. But hey, it is all adventure 🙂

Why adventure? 

I do not know – I saw a post today by a fellow blogger I like to follow. The post somehow linked the “unexpected” with the “adventure” and here I am; inspired and doing the same thing; linking the agitation I feel nowadays with an unknown adventure 🙂

Naturally, I am trying to move on and feel good by finding the positive among all the muddy and spiky agitating experiences. I know my (agitating) feelings will subsidize eventually and I will feel okay again. So, it is only a matter of time before I leave these behind.

But not before I get what I am supposed to get out of these experiences.

That is the adventure 🙂

 

what important thing I was reminded today

One of those days that agitating stuff has happened.

BUT

I will not let these ruin my morale and spirit.

 

I have so much to worry about and so much to be grateful about. The choice is mine.

Worry is not going to solve any problem, at least in a healthy way.

More importantly, many of the stuff I deal with are nothing when compared to life and death.

In addition, calmer mind works stuff better.

 

So here I am; agitated one minute and providing self therapy the next…..

Nevertheless, I seem to be handling this much better than before….

So, I must wholeheartedly congratulate myself, but the credit is not mine. Carry on and read the rest of the post….

…………………………..

A lot of things in life seems to be relative; youth/age, wisdom/ignorance, experience, goodness/badness, kindness/meanness, especially the breadth and depth and importance of issues..

From one person to other, from one life stage to other, from one issue to other, this relativity can shift easily.

While I was having my silly mental judo this afternoon, I read a genuine and open post from a dear fellow blogger who is a young patient with a terminal disease…. She said “do not ever let anyone steal your joy.”

I was immediately ashamed for suffering and having depressive thoughts about my silly problems….

I am happy to honor her wish and I would like to thank her for this beautiful post and very meaningful, very powerful words.

 

I have everything I need

I spend the New Year`s Eve as I wish it; at home and in peace.

I have found time to reflect in between the clogged toilet and my efforts to fix it; talking to my lovely family and enjoying every minute of it; and baking and eating my traditional meal of beef pie 🙂

I also have had negative thoughts crossing my mind (mostly because of the irritation some people gave me recently), feeling like sh.t sometime as a result, and also watching a horror movie just out of curiosity while I am also scared to watch it :))

It is a mental judo to deal with negative thoughts and annoyance; I easily pay attention to them, so they are usually very, very annoying. But when they become too much of an annoyance, the moment I make a conscious decision to not react to them, I find peace. I love those peaceful moments.

My reflections nowadays have made me realize that I have everything I need in my life; my family and their well-being; my own well-being, my job, salary, and financial independence, and meaning and hope in life. I am content with where I am and with my life, character, mind, and heart. I like myself and what I have become, and I love my family.

For the first time in a very long time, or perhaps even for the first time in my entire life, I feel whole, content, lucky, blessed, and satisfied all at the same time….. I should thank for my efforts, love and support of my family, and all the people and things that in a way constituted my life and helped make me who and what I am.

I especially thank those people who annoyed me with their unfair and unkind behaviors and ridiculous characters that make me realize how good-hearted, mature, kind, and genuine I and the people I care about are. It feels great to credit myself and others in my life who are awesome. This would not be possible without having annoying, selfish, ridiculous people in my life. They annoy, yes, but I now gained from this annoyance and it is priceless 🙂

Like anyone else, I strive for feeling better, having better life experiences and physical, emotional, and financial health, accomplishing my dreams, or just going thru the demands of life and work without losing my mind 🙂 There are many bumps along the way; I too have suffered by set backs, losses, emotional damages, bad people and circumstances, and my own inexperience and mistakes. Yet, here I am at mid-40`s that is perfectly fine with the imperfect world and life.. Even if this turns out to be a short-term thing, I am grateful that I have both thought and felt this way today...

Perhaps it is really true what they say; that we should sit and do nothing for some time. Then we remove all the rush and demands of our lives and find our true core. That life is life, with all the ups and downs. And we constantly strive to make it better as we wish it. And sometimes, just sometimes, we realize that we actually have everything we need among all the struggles, plans, pain, and laughter…

I hope you too will find this moment of peace and realize what a blessing your life is 🙂

Happy New Year!

feeling what I feel

It has been a snow day, meaning I stayed in the whole day and worked through my computer. It also means that I shoveled 🙂

I think the winter is gonna be harsh this year; it is one of these rare occasions that we have had a snow day before January…

I felt bored at home but kept working anyhow. It is one of days that I would rather be at the office, but there is nothing I can do about this right now.

The holidays season is upon us and I have too many social events to attend. I have 3 to attend this week and at least 2 other the next week. Every once a while it is great but I question myself – do i really want to do this? Possibly not, but I gave my word so I am going. I am prepared to gracefully accept the fact that if there is nothing I can change, then I must make an effort to at least enjoy…

I am feeling down.. I have been feeling down for some time and I want to feel good again. I know life is a cycle and we are entitled to both good and bad times, but it does not defer me from wanting to feel good.

There are a number of thoughts and things that bother me. I do not think I can solve them. Yet, I am still bothered by them. it is one of these times that forgetting would be a good and useful option. I try to change my perspective and try to approach from another angle. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not.

In the middle of everything, I just want to feel good again.

Sometimes I know what can make me excited and sometimes I have no idea. Food is good, so is exercise. Being grateful is probably a powerful healer – should be writing my joy journal today….

I am worried that I will have a shitty holiday vacation this year. Time to time I have had it. A time that I have just for myself without the requirements of work does not always mean that I will have a great time. As a matter of fact, if I do not lift my spirit up till then, I am sure it will tire me.

Oh well….

Maybe all I have to do is to grab a box of chocolate:)

I love my money

No, not in a way that it becomes the entire focus of my life.

No, not in a way that I would do anything to have it or keep it.

No, not in a way that I would sacrifice the quality of my life, well being, safety, or security.

No.

I love my money in a way that I would like to see it in my chequing account and not getting crazy about not having enough money because I am so interested in investing it for my future or paying my mortgage early.

There, I said it.

Watching my chequing account and trying hard, very hard, to see it not dropping to a negative level is getting on my nerves.

I have had negative balance starting three years ago till last December (when it was finally positive). I like it being positive. I like it growing every paycheque. I like using it to contribute to my RRSP, HBP payments, TFSA, and a personal retirement plan. But since all of these are significant contributions (totaling around 20K each year), certainly coming up with these amount of money is a significant commitment and effort on my side.

Do not get me wrong; I love saving, being frugal, finding ways to limit spending and waste, and help secure my future.

What I do not like is to constantly feeling like I am running out of money and I must be very careful while spending my own money. This has started to bug me a lot lately because I have no reason to reduce the quality of my life or to generate extra stress for my life by getting anxious about my money and my chequing account.

My mortgage will be paid in a shorter time than many; whether I can make it 2 years earlier should not matter to me right now.

Right now, I want to breathe.

That is why I am not going to make that 5K extra contribution to my mortgage before the new year (that I had planned).

Making that contribution would make my chequeing account quite low (still on the positive side, but low) and I would be spending the next 6 months saving another 5K for my personal retirement payment in summer. And, when I make it, then I would be saving money this time to again beef up my chequeing account and buffer for extra expenses that may happen.

Forget that..

It is becoming a constant struggle, a source of stress and even sadness, to keep constantly save large amounts of money for something.

Should I not be instead celebrating all the positive changes I have made in my life with my budget and savings?

Yes, I should be feeling like celebrating rather than struggling….

is there something called “excitement addiction”?

I feel like I am addicted to excitement and am in constant need of feeling it.

I have been feeling really good, happier, more excited, and calmer in the last 6 weeks or so (I am so grateful for this). These has been mainly because I was able to walk more and see that I have had my energy back; I was able to save more and as a result, buy more (of those that I needed);  I was losing weight and feeling a little bit better; I had developed a new interest (sewing); and I was able to eat better with more diverse and healthier food.

Doing/feeling each of these great things almost every day/week was a constant source of joy and pride that made me excited! 🙂

Yesterday and today I feel like meh for no apparent reason, even though I have so much to be grateful and joyful about.

Is it because these beautiful things/activities became a routine? 

Perhaps it is true – too much of something great may not constantly feel good over the long run. Perhaps I should refrain from and miss those first, for example shopping, to enjoy it next time…Dully noted…

Or maybe, I need to strive/plan/work towards something new?

Oh well.

Maybe all I need is a sewing project 🙂

 

random thoughts (and a lot of rant)

Friends;

I have had another challenging day. I am happy that it is over but it was hard. Very hard. I am writing to face my short-comings and rant about myself. So if you are interested in feeling better, I am afraid this is not a post you would be pleased to read.

That being said; yes I have short comings. We have had this 4.30 pm meeting arranged maybe 4 months ago. It involved a lot of people and those that we have not met face to face. Making a good impression and exploring collaborative ideas while also making everyone on our side look good and feel happy was a challenging task.

I failed.

It looks like I was not updated well enough, the idea I was proposing was not well developed, and I did not form critical connections and involve necessary people before. I should have done these prior to this meeting.

I feel like a failure. I feel naive and not suitable for my position. I feel like I would have controlled everything better but could not.

I am trying to mend the things on our side, and I hope acknowledging my own contribution to this experience involving others will ease some sour feelings between me and my colleagues.

I left the meeting feeling stupid. I am now kind of back to my senses and writing helps a lot too. They say after every fail is a great lesson to be learnt. This experience should not be about me being an inadequate person at work, but about discovering the things I should be learning. So I write them as they appear in my mind right now:

lesson 1: be kind to yourself

lesson 2: nobody is perfect, so am I. So what?

lesson 3: next day these feelings will pass – nothing is permanent

lesson 4: when compared to very important things in life, this failure is nothing.

lesson 5: I have short-comings and I know next time how to be better

lesson 6: it is okay to acknowledge my short-comings., especially towards others that pointed out my short-comings

lesson 7: if I find myself fail in one part of life over and over, maybe it is a sign that I must move into another part and try my performance there. Perhaps there is something that I can do a lot better

lesson 8: not all reactions I have got was negative – some things are working.

lesson 9: after all, I may feel like failure but looking at the reactions (that what I was proposing was not well developed), that is also opportunity to get others involved and perhaps contribute to the case more. That is actually pretty good considering that getting my team’s attention to the problem was the biggest challenge for me at the first place.

lesson 10: tomorrow is another day and next year nobody will remember this.

lesson 11: my feelings are exaggerated by the fact that I have had another very ridiculous meeting yesterday. One person that I was interested in working together and I had a phone conference. That person only talked and talked and never let me talk and express my ideas or opinions. At one point, I raised my voice, stated that the person was not listening! (i am sorry I have done that) and cut his words. He then listened to me and understood the issues I have had at my hand related to the work. I dislike being mean to others, but I sure dislike being not considered or constantly being interrupted. I hope I never do that to others…

This and today’s meeting; they helped accumulate my internal pressure.

I will make things better. I promise.

Feeling better already 🙂 thanks for listening!

Learn to say “no”

Today I said “no” twice.

It felt good.

I have a number of people in my life who have tremendous influence on my life. They are indispensable, like my family or my mentors. I like them very much, I have a strong bond with them, but I also have frustrations and heart-breaks with them. Since they are so important for me, contributed to my personal and my professional life substantially, even though they break my heart (I possibly break theirs, too – to be fair), I keep keeping them in my life, loving them, and being nice as much as I can be. Like many people, we hardly talk about our issues, which often means we continue this over-the-surface relationships while deep down both sides are hurt somehow, sometime, over time. We argue sometimes, too. The negative feelings inevitably accumulate and reach a level that cannot be over-looked.

One of my mentors made a comment about me on social media yesterday (which sounded more like an insult to me; considering all the sensitivity around our relationships, it is not unusual that I felt that way. It could have been just an innocent comment, too. But honestly I do not give a darn about the intention of her comment right now…), which was the last drop in our long history. I took it lightly and managed to play low and joking, but it did change me. I wondered why I keep her in my life, visit her whenever I can find time, or call just to say hi, especially that she does not take steps to contact me. I decided it was time that I cut this charade.

Today with my family too I finally said no. No, I did not cut my ties; they are so important to me and I love them. But I also feel inadequate as a family member. They have expectations from me and I do from them, but when we are short in delivering the expectations, you feel nothing but inadequacy and low self-esteem. I am sick of this feeling. It has been a long way. I am tired.

I am not sure whether I should go visit them this year. Last year was horrible in so many different ways and my relationship with my family is a little bit strained. When I mentioned that today, my mom said whatever happened between my family and I was all in the past. She is nice and all, but she does not consider that it is not over for me. The same thing when I am there; my needs or wishes are hardly a priority; I go where they go, travel quite a bit to see them with long trips, find myself in ridiculous dialogues with ridiculous people (people other than my family), and eventually come back even more tired than when I start the trip.

It is my annual holiday and I think I deserve more than this. Like taking a rest and having a say in where and when to go somewhere, if ever. What if I have other things that I would like to do? ……

My family is sad that I consider not visiting them this year. But perhaps I should prioritize my own wishes this time. I have one life and at one point I just would like to feel “good about myself”. Do I not deserve this feeling?

I have been meaning to visit South America for a very long time. I wonder whether I can do it this summer. Or, just have a staycation. At least I would not feel not approved, loved, or respected.

random thoughts

I have been working so hard and under so much pressure lately that for the first time or so in my life I am glad I must clean my home and do laundry today. It is weird, but true. I enjoy sitting in my living room right now and listening to the dryer’s noise and not thinking about the work I must take care of. I think I will let it sink back to me tomorrow. That is okay. At least I am giving myself the freedom to enjoy today….

I woke up tired and late but felt better with coffee (also ordered bagels this time – pampering feels good 🙂 ) and walking to a store 15 min away to shop. There were really good sales for items I had needed, so I took this opportunity and certainly it felt good. I even saved an additional 2 bucks by using a coupon that came with the insert last week.

I was thinking; while saving and limiting my daily expenses feels so good, why do I not have a stricker budget? I know for example I did take the cab three times this week; each costing around 10 bucks per ride. When I think about it, this actually is the cost of 15 kgs of bread flour (which would give me around 40-45 loafs of bread).

So, what am I doing wrong here?

Since my summer vacation, I have been relax in terms of spending. I am not spending a lot, but I sure am spending more than before and often on unnecessary items. I have been feeling the conflict created by saving by following sales and at the same time by making unnecessary purchases. While it is annoying for sure, I am also glad that I believe eventually this feeling will help me to cut expenses and have a lean budget again.

I really am looking forward to this.

Now back to the dryer and cleaning -my relaxants of the day 🙂

weekly budget check – July 28, 2016

I have not recorded my weekly spendings and savings since mid-June because of the vacation I have had.

This week too I will not record it (will start next Thursday again), but I want to write down my overall experience with money right before, during, and right after the vacation.

Right before the vacation:

I relaxed my spending a little bit by buying last-minute gifts and requests by my family members and their friends. That sounds about right to me and I have no regrets. Things I have bought were useful and needed, and I am happy to provide them.

I also stopped doing grocery shopping for myself maybe 10 days prior to my vacation so that I would not need to dump out unconsumed food before I left. That felt right, too. I rather consumed what I had already had at the fridge, the frozen meals I had prepared earlier, or prepared meals using the food in my pantry. That also felt good, as I have a tendency to not consume the dry staples. Win-win situation 🙂

During the trips/at the airport:

Considering the expense, but more than that, the lack of variety of the airport food, I prepared sandwiches and veggie snacks for myself and happily devoured them during my airport/plane times.

I was happy to treat myself, too. Coffee was always welcome while waiting for the connections. So was the book that I purchased at one airport. I have had a 9-hour wait between connections at one point and that book helped me to spend time without getting bored or agitated; dollars well spent 🙂

As per water; I have had a plastic water bottle with me and whenever I found a filtered water fountain, I filled it. In some cases, this was not possible, which necessitated purchasing bottled water. Oh, well 🙂 That too was required and as such I have no regret.

During the vacation:

I have had budgeted for this vacation at the beginning of the year. So I did not care about spending my money within some limits. That, as you may be familiar with, feels good after a kind of strict budget that I have had :))) It is great to relax the rules and lift the “I should not buy this/make this purchase” thought. Freedom is needed in every aspect of our lives, I guess, however transient it may be.

Yet, at one point I thought if I continue like that I would over-spend my vacation money, so I needed to limit my shopping (especially for clothes). This did not negatively affect me, as I have clothes at home, some of them never worn, and it is time that I make use of them.

I was also moderately generous with friends and family and contributed to the food, transportation, and other expenses we have had together. I could have done more I guess, but it was still at an acceptable level. That feels okay.

After the vacation:

I am back to my regular budget. I have no regret or sadness about that. In contrast, it feels good. It is interesting that saving and becoming a conscious spender/saver becomes a delightful part of your life….

My checking account is still above $0, yet if I am not careful enough, it may rapidly drop below that level, which would not be good…. I am looking forward to making it stronger in the coming weeks/months.

It is interesting, overall, that we all have different types of relationships and beliefs about money. Often times, it does change over time, too. I have always been frugal I guess, but the “conscious spending journey” I have had in the last 1 year or so, has showed me that I can be better.

I am glad that I am not interested in extreme frugality/being a cheapskate, or being an over-spender. I am glad that I am interested in saving, limiting unnecessary purchases/expenses, and investing for my future and retirement. I still have my short-term and long-term financial goals, and more or less I keep up with them. I know there may be unexpected expenses in the future, which may derail me a little bit. But I hope I will find the courage to accept them as necessary and not dwell in the loss of money.

While lack of money is a negative experience that produces very negative feelings in me (anxiety, anger, sadness, and hopelessness sometime), I must remind myself that money is not everything; experiences and well-being of my loved ones are way more important. And my health and well-being, too.

It feels good to feel this way 🙂

how do I feel as a person who just came back from vacation?

Hello friends!

After 5 weeks of being away, I am back!

I sure have had the most interesting vacation ever (vacation = going to my homeland to visit my family).

There were many nice things that I have experienced during my vacation; like seeing family members and friends.

Being away from my everyday routine and the often-times stressful work was an exceptional plus.

I swam at the sea, got lots of sunlight, ate the freshest fruits and veggies, shopped for nice stuff, and made important realizations and decisions for future that may make things better.

I am refreshed and energized, and as usual I have my resolutions in place to work on, such as to lose weight and to make a better, more social, and meaningful life out of my usual routine-based, work-focused, and one-person life (these two resolutions are recurring themes that I was not able to achieve yet… so wish me luck 🙂 ).

Yet, interesting does not necessarily mean that I have had a beautiful, happy, and joyful time during my vacation. On the contrary…

For example, at the beginning of the vacation, I have experienced emotions that sometime reached to a level very close to hate (which is very unusual for me….). Hate is a very bad feeling – I do not want to feel it. Like ever.

I made many trips to other cities and had to spend time with some annoying people, which made me physically drained and emotionally agitated.

I made mistakes and emotionally hurt some good people.

And, later through the end of my vacation, there were historical and very negative external events developing and making me realize that none of the ridiculously non-essential issues (that made me feel hate-like emotions or break good people’s hearts –  what was I thinking?????) in fact should matter in life or occupy my mind/heart….

I hope I am better than before because of these experiences.

Sometimes life feels like a cheap toy to me: it is awesome one minute and the next moment, it does not mind breaking in front of my eyes. It is as if it requires extreme care, intuition, relaxation, communication, consideration, intention, and luck all the time. That is tiring….

Thankfully, it is also miraculous, beautiful, and awesome the other times……

 

————————————————————————–

I hope all of you have had a great summer and great experiences, too.

I have not read all the posts posted while I was away by those bloggers I follow, but I know that some of you have had bad news recently and are keeping their positive attitudes towards life’s hurdles (Go Team Red Phoenix Go! ).

Sending positive vibes to all of you! 🙂 

random thoughts

It is a warm and humid day – it started raining in the evening and that feels just like the springs I know. One moment warm and the next moment it slightly cools down with the rain. All is welcome 🙂

I am happy with the work I have done today. I came home in the afternoon to work without distraction and it proved to be a good decision.

I have a new flower bloomed in my yard 🙂 it is hidden in between the leaves of a kind of large green plant. I did not plant it there, so I am assuming it somehow got in there. I also see many small plants here and there. As soon as I understand what they are i will either plug them out or let them grow. They are kind of under a tree from next door and I am assuming that they are the seeds from that tree that germinated. But I cannot be sure yet – I am wishfully waiting.

It is official that I have a pest problem…. Disgusting….. I found new poops in my kitchen counter that make me want to puke… I am calling the pest control company tomorrow – hopefully they will be able to give me some baits and this problem will be resolved soon. I am pretty much annoyed but then I know that I am doing okay in terms of taking steps: I have sticky bands everywhere, poison in two places, electronic repellents (which I think are not working as I found the poops close to them….), i placed all food in cabinets into glass jars or in the fridge, and I try to show up in the kitchen time to time to make sure that they know they are not the only thing there and behave maybe. … Maybe… I can only hope 🙂 I know this is not a pleasant topic to write about – bear with me. I just feel better facing the issue, that is all.

In contrast to almost all of the mornings in my life, this morning I have got up feeling good…. You know what I think is the reason? I filled my mind with positive thoughts right before I went to bed by writing my joy journal. I am curious to see whether I can replicate this feeling tomorrow and the days after that. If I can see that is the reason, then, my friends, I may have just found the key to happiness and less crankiness 🙂

That would be just awesome 🙂

 

random thoughts

Another beautiful day 🙂 I hope everyone else is also having a similar experience.

In contrast to yesterday, I woke up with some anger in my mind. It is not fun; I should be able to manage my thoughts better. After all, my feelings are pretty much created by my thoughts. I was remembering some annoying moments from yesterday and that somehow cost me positive feelings in the morning.

The nice thing was that I decided to walk to the office again and it was a more or less pleasant walk. I noticed that if my mind works on negative thoughts, then through the end of the walk I get tired or constrained, rather than feeling relaxed. Something for me to think about.

On the positive side, my excitement over the yeast and bread baking continuing 🙂  It is to me quite amazing that such a small organism can do all of these (for example, producing carbon dioxide that expands/rises the dough and helps form the “holes” in the bread; forming gluten; and producing chemicals/nutrients that give flavor to the bread). I am interested in starting my own sourdough starter, but I guess this will have to wait till later. I am planning to purchase flour tomorrow and some seeds/nuts for my next bread. I hope my interest and excitement over making my own bread will continue.

Have a great Wednesday night everyone!

🙂

hope and dreams

One should have hope and dreams. In their absence, eventually, inertia follows and starts to win over intentions and efforts required to move up to a better place, a better life.

As I read and reflected on grief (after the death of my dad in February), I noticed that I previously grieved for my lost hopes/dreams, too. For instance when I lost the hope to marry the person I had once loved. It took me years to completely forget this person and I was in constant pain and missing terribly the happiness I had felt for my future. I had not noticed at that time, but this was one perfect grieving process.

So, what happened?

Nothing much; except that I also lost my ability to dream and get excited about my future life. I also understood what happiness was.

How does that feel?

Not great actually. I am constantly feeling the need to have a zest for life, but I also constantly fail to do so. This recurring, repeating cycle has nothing to offer but discontent, depressive thoughts, and not surprisingly, unhappiness.

Today, I have dreamed about finding the opportunities out there that would help me find a new job somewhere else; this would help me with initiating a new episode of life away from where I am right now. And that dream felt good.

I am not sure what made me feel good more; to have hope after a long period of inertia, or to be able to one day leave here….Anyways…

Do I deserve to be unhappy? Nope.

Do I deserve to be limited this way? Nope.

How many chances do I have in life? One

What prevents me from seeing the opportunities that may be out there? Only me and my mental blocks.

Will I be able to locate these opportunities at once and fast? Probably not.

Am I in rush to find them? No.

So, what should I do?

I can calm down and feel the hope and all the good feelings it brings along.

I can keep dreaming, as dreams are the ones that will give me the motivation and energy to look for opportunities.

I hope I will not lose these, too.

I do not want to grieve for lost opportunities. I want to claim them.

on happy, unhappy, and neutral mood

Today I have decided to check time to time how I was feeling during the day. In a few cases I did that I found that I was feeling okay (i.e. neutral); neither unhappy or happy; neither stressful nor un-stressful. Neither joyful nor un-joyful.

At first I thought this was not good as I am determined to make myself happy from yesterday on.  Only later I realized that that was actually not bad; I could as well be unhappy, stressful, and miserable. But I was not. That should be something to be grateful for 🙂

I remember 2 different times in my life when I had felt happy for extended periods of time for no apparent reasons:

First, many years ago when I had first moved here. I had got the greatest job I had dreamed for many decades (literally); my finances were better, and I had the job security for the first time in my long career. I could not help but feel genuinely happy 🙂 This feeling of happiness lasted around 6 months until a person I dearly loved got seriously sick.

The second one was in January this year, when I had started the yoga/stretching classes. They have had highly positive influence on my mood; I was relaxing and feeling connected to my body and myself during the sessions. It lasted until I have had back problems first and then the death of my dad at the end of February.

For a middle aged person, these two occasions of happiness may sound pathetic. Maybe it is.

But, perhaps I must explain what I mean by happiness first: when I say “happy” I mean seriously happy, elated, hopeful and joyful about everything in life and having no problem whatsoever. It is kind of different than what I have felt today, where I am neither feeling elated nor down (i.e. depressed). As a person who suffered from depression in the past, let me tell you being in a neutral state of mood is not bad, either. As a matter of fact, it is quite a progress for me.

Yet, knowing how sweet is the happy state feels, I naturally long for it.

I am grateful for my financial choices

I have chosen to do something about my finances last year as the weight of home-ownership as well as negative chequeing account made me depressed, hopeless for my future, and hugely anxious.

I knew that unless I have had a hard look at my finances, these feelings would continue and I would experience further financial hardship.

So I made the choice of doing something about the situation and started a budget, where I calculated and monitored my fixed (e.g. mortgage, bills, etc.), flexible (grocery and other purchases, entertainment), and savings and investments for my retirement. I failed many times to keep up with my budget but eventually it stabilized. My spending was more conscious and wiser. I have had shopping freezes for items like books. I took advantage of loyalty points and followed sales. I still was taking the cab and wasting money, but hey, that was what I could do best at that time. Eventually things got better, but not perfect. Nevertheless, it was a small victory.

Then, I decided I could do way better. In the new year, I have aimed for a tighter, smaller budget that forced me to be better with my spending and better with my choices. I started price comparison and followed the sales more closely. I designed my meals around the produce on sale. I stop taking the cab and started taking the bus almost all the time. I traded one expense/product for another, more enjoyable or useful alternative. I never, even once, forgot to reward myself. I listened to my feelings and saw I was happy and excited. I saw that I was able to save way more than I can imagine with the new budget. I decided I liked savings and I paid my gratefulness everyday. For some miraculous way, I never felt deprived. In contrast, I have been feeling empowered, abundant, free, and able.

My choices and feelings have a huge role in my current financial status. I cannot know what the future will bring, but I know whatever I am doing it is working for me so far. I have wiser choices and more satisfaction, and less anxiety over the finances. It did not come with occasional fails, but that is a part of any journey. What matters is that I have seen my own progress and it made me excited and more motivated.

I think it is important that we find ways that work for us. I think it is also important to record and monitor our goals and our progress.  Additionally, I think it would be dry and somehow demotivating if we have not rejoiced our progress or achieving our objectives. So, give yourself the chance to celebrate your financial choices and progress.

I am lucky that I have a simple life, I am not materialistic, I do not bend in the presence of peer pressure, I do not have a car or wishes for luxurious items or vacations. I do not mind shopping items at thrifty stores if they are in good conditions and in good hygiene. I do prefer to shop whenever I visit another city or country, where things are cheaper than where I am. I am lucky that my feelings give the motivation I may need to keep going. I like these about myself and my life.

Maximizing the value of our dollars is a very valuable choice. I do not use coupons (I am not against them, just cannot have time to find and use them), but sales, price check, and the loyalty points all made it for me. Would it not be wonderful if we had bought the laundry detergent half of its price? It would be. So if I can, I stock pile durable items while they are on sale. I cannot believe how much I am saving this way. In terms of food, the pantry items and dry food proved to be awesome (i.e. much cheaper than prepared meals), and so did the frozen meals and veggies I learnt to prepare myself. I regularly freeze my extra meals and consume them later when I do not feel like cooking.

Freezing food and being conscious about my spending also helped me to limit my food waste, for which I am extremely grateful.

And over time, I noticed that I did not need to spend money to feel good. I rather felt good with my choices, the funds accumulated, and the hope and empowerment I have got as a result. This requires a daily reflection and being in touch with my finances and feelings. A good way to spend 5 minutes each day to monitor my finances and a good way to calculate the increase in my net worth every two weeks on the day I get my salary.

I am extremely grateful for this new found freedom and appreciation I have. Like any other achievement, it started rough and was somehow as a struggle at the beginning, yet keeping going seems to be the best way. I also appreciate and am thankful for all the fellow bloggers who support and share useful tips and experiences that made this journey a pleasure.

I also thank myself for being candid with my financial situation, for writing about my journey in my blog, and making my finances, savings, expenses, and budgeting a daily, organic, evolving, and pulsating part of my life. I hope I will be able to go ahead like this for some time and keep these positive feelings towards my financial situation.

the dream

I had a terrifying dream this morning.

I was in another city, another place, and another workplace (different building). My boss was the same and she told me that I was let go….. I could not understand this for a moment and after the initial shock, I felt so horrible. There were more junior people in my work place who did not perform as well as me. I had international recognition and often get invited to give talks. My team members were doing great too with their own and somehow unique and extraordinary activities and performances. So why was I let go? Because they preferred to keep people from this city?

It was so real, this dream. I felt insecure (I should have been a poor member of the organization otherwise I would not be asked to leave), angry (because it was not true that I was bad – I am not well known where I am but other places do know me), and mine and my team’s performances metrics are so good.

See, I woke up angry, confused, and feeling horrible, and after realizing it was a dream, I immediately felt grateful that it was just a dream..

This is so ironic in some ways, but then also such an eye opener. Reason? Only last week or so, I wrote a post about how I would not mind being let go if my workplace gives me a nice sum of severance package…

Man… No, I do not want to be fired. I do not wish to lose my job. I do not wish to be without my job. No matter how much I do not appreciate/like where I am.

As horrifying as it was, this dream was the one that cured my dull thoughts at least for now. Grateful.

 

random thoughts

I have been thinking about life as a whole; the regrets that we have; the relationships that we could not protect or save; the wishes that have remained unattained; the decisions and choices that we have made and turned out to be plain wrong; the opportunities that are lost; and the pain that comes with any of these.

I must correct myself; I have been thinking about these not because of life but because of death.

When death is in the equation, nothing much matters; none of the old scars, arguments, misunderstandings, hurt caused/experienced, insults made, the time and love lost along the process while we were struggling to just go through these emotions and live.

When death is in the equation, forgiveness and affection appear again. We do not care much why the other person did what s/he did or did not. We do not care why they did not behave the way we wished them to.

It is ridiculous that we cannot attain such a state of mind while people we care about are still alive.

Maybe there is too much history/memories, too many events, too many emotions linked to the past with that person. Maybe these are painful experiences, somehow hurting and making us ache deeply. Maybe they changed the course of our lives for a worse one; maybe we lost good opportunities because of them. Maybe we just could not reach them; could not become the friends, daughters, brothers, or parents we wished to be. Maybe we just blamed them for things that have happened or not happened.

Death is a journey to the unknown and it is very scary. They say death is more painful for those who are left behind. But I guess a part of our pain is to know how brave are those who have died and experienced the unknown. Before us. And we have nothing to help or support those who are gone. They are all alone in this and we are powerless.

I know while death is a natural part of life, we hardly would like to think or talk about it. I just read something about death today; it basically said since we do not think about it, we happen to think that we will live for ever. One reason to delay things to later. One reason to not enjoy the sight of the moon, scent of the flowers, hugs of a child, and the smile of a loved one while they are right in front of us.

The same writing also asked how many days of our lives we have not remembered? If we do not remember, then was it wasted or was it just ordinary?

Hard to know the answer, but this can be a good opportunity now to make every day count and every person in our lives feel loved and supported; to exercise less ego and more forgiveness; to share more and better, and smile;  and to remove the term “hate” from our vocabulary.

on being frugal and budgeting

I sometimes feel weird writing about these topics, but then why should I? Both of these concepts have made positive differences in my life, my bank accounts, and my psychology.

I admit that my recent effort of budgeting (starting last June) was motivated by fear. The fear that I would not able to manage home-ownership without getting into debt. It is fueled by a large sum of expenses made to repair my roof, which started to leak at multiple places immediately after I bought it. I possibly have a foundation problem too, which I have been “watching” since last year – when it reaches an actionable level, I will have to spend thousands of dollars to have it fixed. With one salary, this is difficult on me, even though my salary is good and I am very grateful for it. Plus, since I started saving/investing for my retirement late in life, understandably I was stressed.

This stress helped me to look at my spending habits with a fearful yet careful eye. I decided to control my expenses in an attempt to increase my savings and to have a peace of mind. It was difficult at the beginning, I still time to time get frustrated with my spending, but each day it only becomes better; I kicked out unnecessary and significant expenses out of my life, I am able to spend and waste less, and save more for future expenses. The fellow bloggers here also helped a lot with their posts as well as their support. Overall, I feel pretty good about this experience.

While I am more frugal, I do not feel deprived. In contrast, I am more abundant than before. I have some funds I allocate for miscellaneous (i.e. not must have) expenses, such as my weekend breakfast (cost less than $20/week). I make sure to buy things that will make me feel good (such as scented hand creams that I like). These for sure makes me feel like I am not restricted or deprived. That was one smart thing to do and I am glad I have kept it so far. Additionally, my purchasing power is increased somehow (e.g. by following the sales, price comparison between the two stores that are close to my house, etc. For some reason, I am not into couponing or apps…). I did not change the quality of the items I purchase; I still use the same brand of hair dye, toilet paper, toothpaste, food, or stationary items and others. They just cost less now as the value of my money is maximized. And finally, I have developed a better appreciation for what I have and for having limited waste (food to clothes or anything else). All of these help me to feel more abundant than before.

My saving has increased a lot as a result of budgeting and applying frugal strategies and it feels awesome to see the difference.

I can say that the enormous level of fear I felt last year is now giving me abundance, a higher level of gratitude, and hope for my future. I am also proud of myself. So many positive feelings here….I am surprised as well why I could feel this way while my spending is much less compared to before. See; as the habits change so does the mindset. I hope you also see the positives out of this experience if you are going thru a tough time financially and are budgeting or reducing spending.

cheers 🙂

dreams are stronger

poem
————————-

I saw a couple today happy

seeing them deepens my sorrow

reminds me…. inside

inside is so hollow

I am missing a part of me

I can’t steer my way around

pain is sharp, my legs tremble

it exhausts me

reality hurts so dreams are better

I long somewhere in another world

where I am…

I am…….

where there is that little line on your cheek!

that makes you all sweet and speak!

seeing that again I can reach to the moon!

humming the sweetest tune!

I fuel the blaze around my feelings

it reaches the sky

gazing up I smile

remembering that I left you behind

much later than you have had

they start to fall from the sky, the ashes

like the wedding veil I embraced

my eyes softened, gazing low

feeling everything I longed for

I lift my own veil

see, dreams are stronger

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heart-break nostalgia

I do not know why but in the last week I have been thinking about my latest heartbreaker quite intensely.

The nights are the worst; why do I experience this? Do I not make myself tired, amused with life, or busy enough?

Nights have always been my favorite time of the day. Quiet, peaceful, relaxing, and all mine…

Not lately.

Lately, he has been in my mind. The bitterness, annoyance, rejection, and pain, all of them, seem to have lifted all of a sudden. I care about him as much as before. I am smitten all over again.

I swear I did not see that coming.

“…I will not walk with you on the same path again

You put traps for those who walk with you..”

today’s bits (and love, heartbreak, music, and lyrics)

It is almost midnight – this might be one of the rare cases of my late-night posts 🙂

I have had a great work day today. There was no people interrupting me, no phones ringing, no snow storms lurking on our heads. I just worked within the relaxing and focused atmosphere of my office till past 5.30 pm.

It was so productive that I did not want to come home – if I was not hungry enough I would as well continue to work at the office.

It has been a while that I have felt that way. As a matter of fact, I have realized more and more lately how un-protective or stressful it has been for me to work at home in the afternoons between the last summer and the new year. By staying in the office till 5 or 6 pm since the beginning of the new year, I feel like the time I need for work is doubled, abundant, and available to me. I am feeling more relaxed, better about my performance, less stressed about time, and more productive as a result.

I love these 🙂

The entire day I worked on a report of a member of my team – one of the delayed tasks of mine. I am close to finishing it, which I expect to happen next week. That is very motivating. With this motivation, I continued to work on another document till 30 min ago – wow! 🙂 It is going well too and I hope to draft and submit my report in a week or so. One more hard work is on the way to completion and I have no feelings but positive ones for spending this Friday night with work 🙂

…………………………………………….

On a separate note, I have been stuck at listening to a song lately; I asked my friend, who introduced me to this song a couple of days ago, to help translate the lyrics.

I was right – this song is amazing……. Care to listen?

……………………………………………………………………………..

“…I will not walk with you on the same path again

You put traps for those who walk with you

I will never touch your skin either

You have your walls standing right before your skin

By hitting these walls

Again and again

I got covered by calluses

and because of tears and crying

I now am covered in mosses…”

……………………………………………………………………………..

 

A Game of Thrones; choices

The more I read, watch, and think about the “A Game of Thrones” book by the author George RR Martin, the more I am fascinated.

This book so far has been about unique and creative circumstances the author created, reactions of a chunk of characters to these circumstances, conflicting emotions (love versus other values such as duty or honour particularly), being human and being susceptible to the glory or the tragedy, and most importantly, about making choices.

Long story short; the author is telling us that harder the circumstances, easier (and perhaps inevitable) it gets to make the harder choices.

joy journal – Oct 24, 2015

1. I am grateful for the following; I am tired after a long and daunting trip and I feel like I will leave quite a bit of stuff in my work and in my life and move towards a new, better structured, and meaningful life. I am excited about this, as sometime in the stress and problems lie the solution for a better future. I am hoping this is what is happening. I should be cautious as I do not want to make a mistake and leave something just because I am feeling tired (mentally) and frustrated. From my past experience, I have had many knee-jerk reactions, some of which I later regretted. This time, I will think calmly, estimate cons and pros, and decide about the best by taking my time.

2. I am grateful for sleeping well yesterday night prior to the early morning flight which I need to catch up.

3. I am grateful for the coffee, bagels, yogurt, cheese, and bread I have had today; they nourished my body and gave me the energy I needed.

4. I am grateful for my health and well being.

5. I am grateful for being resourceful and being familiar with minimalism prior to my trip, when my airline lost my luggage and left me with a set of clothes. I kept generally positive and look for ways to minimize the impact on myself and my business meeting. I saw it as an “adventure”. It was not the end of the world. It was not that bad. Until I talked to my airline and learning that they were sending the luggage back to my hotel the next day when I was scheduled to return back. I wonder; the airlines have no plan, no system in place to ensure the best for their customers? I plan to put these in writing together with my reimbursement form. Hope they will benefit from the feedback and if we are any lucky, then maybe they will do some adjustments for future customers.

6. I am grateful for my backpack and having some extra items in it prior to my trip. It literally helped me go thru the first 2 days. I made a mental note to have an extra trouser and a t-shirt whenever i go for a meeting, together with my personal stuff in case I get to experience a luggage lost again.

7. I am grateful for the trip starting tomorrow. It is a long trip, but I hope to enjoy my stay. I also get to meet with an old friend of mine who I love. It is gonna be awesome 🙂

8. I am grateful for doing the laundry and nothing else today. I am relaxing and mending.

9. I am grateful for not eating too much or unhealthy today.

10. I am grateful for thinking about my job and my job relationship. I think I am going thru a “middle age awakening: (not crisis). I am evaluating my past choices, my current life and work, and listening to my feelings; what are my priorities now? What would make my life more meaningful, happy, and exciting? What would make my life better? What are the things that I am missing in life? how can I get more meaning, peace, happiness, and satisfaction in my life? What should be the new directions in my life? Am I happy where I am? Where can I? What are my needs? What are my dreams?…

11. I am grateful for coming to home and coming to my senses about my healthy life style plans. I have not done well during the trip, but i have seen how good choices I have made the first day. This is a good reminder to keep going.

12. I am grateful for my family and good friends. Their love, humour, support and sincerity makes my life a lot easier and lovelier.

13. I am grateful for the relaxing music I am listening to now. It reminds me my need to stretch and being mindful. See what is important; what is not..

14. I am grateful for my blogging experience; I have missed reading, writing, and interacting with my fellow bloggers. I have been thinking the other day; no matter how depressing or problematic is a time-period in my life, I always have, find, and do things that I like and cherish. This experience is one of them.

15. I am grateful for being grateful. Honestly I started this post to feel better (which I do not…), as writing my journal always cheered me up in the past. I will accept this as what it is; I will accept my feelings as they are. Tomorrow will be another day 🙂

16. I am grateful for having hope 🙂

random thoughts

There is so much problem, violence, war/conflict, and pain in the world that sometimes these feelings override the joy I have in my life.

We have the right to feel good about ourselves and our lives – yet this is so much dependent on others’ feeling and lives.

If you can be happy for someone else and if you can cry for someone else, then you know what I mean. The more we care, the more heavily we feel their emotions.

Depression comes so easily when negative things happen. Should I feel bad about myself if I try to keep myself up in the presence of all the depressing news and experiences? When I am safe and sound? When I have what others need most? When I have the energy to keep going? I have no answer to these.

I am so looking forward to a world where all is safe and conflicts are resolved by working on them rather than by guns, suppression, violence, or humiliation; when one’s interest did not mean to hurt, eliminate, or suppress the other’s; when we all realize whatever happens to someone else somehow affects us, whether positive or negative.

Peace.

Fiction bits – II

Fiction bits

——————————————————————

I could not find myself yet.

Dreams left me first. They were now blackened by the reality, stifling, and heavily cankered. One side of me still wanted to nurture them; I fell asleep caressing them and I got up loving everything back again… Inevitably, each dawn turned into the day and with the day, each day, I felt the fear. First the fear of losing them, then the fear of losing my sanity.

It was agonizing, but no matter how ceaselessly I lingered in this furious and heinous cycle, I never became ready to let them go. It was the dreams that finally left me; they managed to rip off my weakened grab, walked slowly to freedom, and left me behind, void, and blind to sentiment.

I do not know what was more painful; parting with the only dreams I have had or having no dreams at all?

——————————————–

Fiction bits – II

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joy journal – August 15, 2015

I have not written my joy journal for quite sometime (due to vacation). I missed expressing gratitude and the good feeling coming out of it so much.

1. I have many things to be grateful about the time I spent with my family – there is no short way to express all of them here. I cherish every memory and every smile, hug, and kind word. I am grateful that my family members are well and sound; loving and supporting; and genuinely interested in my well-being. Thank you all of you for being there for me.

2. I am grateful for my job. I have gotta give its credit; it gives me a sense of purpose, excites, and provides me with livelihood (despite the challenges and occasional crises that I face). Thanks to my job, I get to see around the world, live in different cities, meet with people with diverse backgrounds, and get insurance. Insurances are important too – providing a sense of security if something out of ordinary occurs in life.

3. I am grateful for my house. It is in a quite neighborhood that is close to downtown as well as my work place. It is true that the prospect of the serious repairs (e.g. the foundation problem I probably have) has been giving me the chills and depressed me beyond my imagination; that I cannot develop trust to the previous owners/renovators, which prevents from feeling peaceful in it; and that I constantly find myself checking for potential issues and thus further create anxiety in myself. But then what can I do? I did not know there may be problem in my house. I did not know when I purchased my home that houses can be fragile and they require constant maintenance. I did not know that it would take me a long time to accept these and then finally find peace in this acceptance. I have not still fully accepted these and thus am emotionally suffering deeply, but I know eventually one day I will give up the resistance and glide into acceptance gracefully. I thank my house-troubles for this; reminding me that it is a process and I am going thru it.

4. I am grateful for my retirement plans, however small they may be. It is true that I could have saved and invested more for my retirement and in the past I have had very obvious expenses that I could have avoided. Yet past is past and I can only look at the present and the future. I have been giving serious thoughts about budgeting lately (mostly motivated by the expenses related to the repairs at home) and have progressed quite satisfactorily. I have a healthy and abundant budget that will take care of my fixed as well as variable but essential expenses that I have been implementing in the last 2-3 months. I know I can do better once I feel comfortable with it. It is awesome to feel this hope and confidence. It is awesome to know that I am making a difference in my financial situation, however small it may be.

5. I am grateful for summer; where I am usually is cool in summers (15-25 C). But since I came back from vacation, it has been hot, sunny, and lovely. A perfect summer 🙂

6. I am grateful for the document I have to finish till monday evening. I have made quite a progress with it yesterday and today. Seeing that I can work effectively under mild stress by taking it lightly (the benefit of having a wonderful vacation prior to it) is one thing, but more importantly the fact that I had to do it in such a short time is what helped me to adapt to work so soon and to stop feeling the emotions associated with leaving my family.

7. I am grateful for my blog. Writing is therapeutic, reading other posts and interacting with fellow bloggers are fun, interesting, and informative. It certainly helps me feel better.

8. I am grateful for the breakfast I have had this morning together with a friend/colleague of mine. I had my usual bagels and coffee after 6 weeks of vacation and a wonderful conversation with my friend, which felt great 🙂

9. I am grateful for walking to and from the coffee shop and sweating a long the way.

10. I am grateful for my new little fryer that makes fried eggs so tasty, so different 🙂

11. I am grateful for doing the laundry and aerating my home today. No I am not cleaning my place this week. My friend who house-sat while I am away already took care of this. I am feeling blessed.

12. I am grateful for being keen about starting a huge decluttering at home. Yep! I have been meaning to do it for quite sometime. I will start easy with bathrooms (which are easier to declutter) and slowly move to the other parts of the house. I will open every single box, purse, bag, and drawer. I will sort things out generously, collect the usable items for donation, and dump the rest. I really need this – I feel like I am carrying a huge and unnecessary weight on my shoulders. This feeling gotta go. I am also excited for the possibility that I will find out many stuff that I had forgotten I have had but are useful or valuable. cannot wait to rediscover my stuff 🙂

13. I am grateful for my couch that provides me with a comfortable place to sit on and write this journal.

14. I am grateful for my laptop, internet connection, cable, TV, phone and all others that help me have a comfortable and engaging life at home.

15. I am grateful for all the stuff I have brought from my vacation. Many of them are the gifts that are given to me by my family members, which I love and cherish. Seeing them around make me feel extra grateful and happy.

16. I am grateful for the music I am listening to right now. It is relaxing and something I have not had heard before and thus is interesting.

17. I am grateful for today being Saturday. I can enjoy it as I please without going to the office.

18. I am grateful for my joy journal and my continuous wish to write in it.

19. I am grateful for life.

20. I am grateful for being grateful.

weekly budget check

This is my second week with the detailed budget and tracking the expenses in separate categories.

First of all; I saved $19 out of my weekly allowance. When I add on top of this the would-be-expenses (those that I was tempted to do but did not; mostly the cab fare replaced by bus or walking), this amount increases to $103. Great :). Over-spending would make me feel not good; I am really happy with making the effort to stay within my limit and achieving it this week, too. Psychologically it makes me excited, feel accomplished, and most importantly I still feel free to make expenses should I wish it. Not having a feeling of deprivation seems to be essential for me….

A no-deprivation-budget + Seeing tangible results = Satisfaction.

I have also had a chance to look at the expenses in each category (transportation – cab), eating out (including weekend breakfasts, dinner, and snacks at the office), grocery shopping, and others. In the two weeks I made almost the same amount of expenses in each category, which is interesting 🙂 I know I cannot generalize this information yet, but I found it intriguing.

When examined a little bit thoroughly, I see that my grocery bill is relatively high for one person; certainly an area to contemplate more. Also I have extra expenses that I can live without – they could beef up my savings. These expenses and the eating out category can be subject to “expense-freeze” time to time (maybe for a week once a month); this way I would not feel deprived off them but at the same time save additional funds and have fun with it! 🙂

I also notice that I make the majority of the expenses during Friday-Saturday-Sunday time frame, with much less in the remaining days. And through the end of the week (my budget week ends on Thursday), my motivation to not spend increases because of this. During these days, I try not to get anxious thanks to my `unexpected` expenses account (highly recommended) so that I will not feel like falling through the cracks by inevitable expenses – I have an annual amount of funds budgeted for this category, which is a relief 🙂 I do not forget to pamper myself (my weekend breakfasts are good examples) along the way, which also makes me feel like I am indeed not depriving myself.

Budgeting and being realistic and analytic is one thing, dealing with the feelings (fear of deprivation, fear of spending money, excitement of experimenting with a spending plan and staying on track, satisfaction coming with the sense of accomplishment and the confidence followed by it, and learning about myself, my patterns, priorities, and abilities) is another.

This experience has been valuable in more than one way 🙂

the movie “Cast Away”

I am watching the movie “Cast Away”, which evoked a bunch of different emotions; from stress (the initial part of the movie), to a sense of adventure (the life on island), courage or indifference (sailing away from the island), beauty in nature (when the whale and the character exchange glances), hope (when the cargo ship passes next to the character), healing (when the character flies back home on a plane), gratefulness (when the character is back to civilized life), love (when he sees his sweetheart again), the heart-break (when the character cannot get his sweetheart back in his life).

Possibly under different conditions, yet we all experience these emotions throughout our lives. I felt for the character especially when he realized he cannot get his love back.

Love makes it or breaks it.

May your heart stay strong.

problems; how important they are?

Like anyone else, I have things to think about, resolve, or worry about.

A friend of mine lost her father to cancer last year. I was talking to her after a couple of months, and she was still devastated and sad. yet for some reason she asked about my life, I happened to complain about my own issues. Then I had realized that was so inconsiderate of me – she had lost her dad and my problems were so minor compared to hers.

When I told my friend I was sorry I was bragging about such unimportant things, my friend said something that I cannot forget; she said “There is no little or big problem; problem is problem and how you feel is how you feel. If something trivial makes you feel like sh.t, you feel like sh.t and no one can argue that you should not feel this way, just because it is a little issue according to them, or relatively to others problems.”

That was such an amazing understanding and compassion on my friend’s side. And a great moment for me.

I have problems; big or small does not matter, but right now they are important for me.

Are they more important than having a serious health issue or losing someone I love and care?

No.

Do they hurt me now?

Yes.

Will I be okay?

Eventually, yes.

joy journal – March 15, 2015

There are three occasions that will make me write my joy journal; a) when I feel so grateful that makes me excited, b) when I feel down and know that writing it will help me feel better, and c) out of (daily) habit.

Today it is (b).

What am I grateful for today?

1. I am grateful that it is a chilly but bright day; the sky is blue and shiny. Spring will arrive sometime soon and I believe the worst part of the winter is over. there is hope.

2. I am grateful for the breakfast I have had this morning and reading the magazines at the cafe.

3. I am grateful for going to the bookstore and buying two books. I am not showing much interest to them right now, but I know when the right time comes, I will enjoy reading them.

4. I am grateful for being safe and healthy, no matter how much I feel overwhelmed, stressed, or bored. That shall pass, too.

5. I am grateful for my TV; the background noise is good. Without it, it feels too silent, too awkward. I am grateful for my cable, too.

6. I am grateful for not working today. the week will be filled with work anyhow.

7. I am grateful for talking to my family on the phone today. they are well and healthy, for which I am extra thankful.

8. I am grateful for not being hard on myself for not being in control of every single issue in my life; time to relax, accept, recharge, and be compassionate.

9. I am grateful for the food I have; I plan to have a healthy dinner this evening. I am sure I will feel a lot better then.

10. I am grateful for my recliner and the throw. They make me feel pampered and warm.

11. I am grateful for walking a little bit today. I had no energy or wish to walk in the morning, but the roads were not icy and I could walk maybe 15 minutes to a cafe I like. It is good for my body and mind.

12. I am grateful for starting to write poems again. Not all is good; but time to time I find myself have written a nice one. That always feels great 🙂

13. I am grateful for writing to my joy journal – it did not necessarily make me feel good today, but I will take this as a part of life. In life not everything makes us happy or miserable all the time. I am not resisting to this feeling. The simple truth.

there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

quiet and peaceful;

forgetting the internal fights and the thunder outside

I look at you and I find myself adoring

all speechless just gazing.

there are times that I gain strength from you

I stand tall, with a large smile;

I am invulnerable

confident that I can reach to moon

humming the sweetest tune.

Then I want to walk with you, within you

I jump in, alas! your stones bleed my feet

your stream suffocates me;

feeling you and not being with you

that is, my love, how it hurts

each time you go through me

———————————————————————–

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no headline today

While I really am interested in increasing awareness about the experiences of cancer patients, survivors, caregivers, and family and friends who are all affected by cancer, I must admit reading, thinking, and talking about cancer makes me “feel” it a little bit closer. And it is depressing.

To change the subject, I started reading and thinking about other diseases and got more depressed.

There is a limit to what one can undertake.

I think there is a survival mechanism somewhere in us that gives this feeling a break and directs us away from distress and helps find us things we can enjoy.

For me, that will be remembering the activities I enjoyed, like that 2nd hand store I like going around. I have been there more than 3 months ago. Time to re-visit. See what I can see, what I can find to purchase.

inside the bubble of shadow

calming nerves was not easy

and smiling to sky

not telling mom.. oh boy..

could not dare

erred

run, feelings, run..

seated on an old, lovely wooden bench

untie your tangled self

reminiscent of the day

vigilance at hand

inside the bubble of shadow

vent the distress; oh well

old times are over

relax.. just relax for a sec

——————————————————————————-

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turn of the heart

In some cases, dislike is such a great follow-up to liking someone first.

Why do we like someone and then dislike? Well, I guess as we learn more about these people over time, through more interaction or observation,  we kind of form our true feelings about people.

Yet, the most interesting ones are those who I have liked for so long (years/decades) and then suddenly (often accompanied by an unacceptable behaviour) started to dislike/to be irritated.

Where are all the previous positive emotions?? This turn of the heart is the one that I find the most interesting.

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.

Some relationships (friends, co-workers, or romantic ones) in life are not supposed to last; yet some survive; maybe we need them for some reason, or there is no urgent need to discard, or some other reasons I cannot think right now.

But when the time comes to stop that relationship, kindness and positivity/neutrality is always better than having arguments or cutting the ties with no real conversation or understanding. Respect for being fellow human beings, kindness and having good wishes for each other is a way better situation than other alternatives. (Of course, if these feelings are possible – when for example somebody is constantly hurting you, I do not think there is a need for this extra effort).

There is no room for unnecessary resentments or hard feelings. Life is short and precious. Positive or neutral feelings/memories are better than negative ones. We can try and be at peace with ourselves and maybe with the other person.

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.

which one is better – to love or to be loved? teachings of mutual and unmutual love

A couple of days ago, I had asked; “which one is better? to love or to be loved?”

it is such a simple question; yet the answer may not be. I have had a couple of conversations about it with my friends and I am surprised that it may mean different things to people.

That made me think a little bit deep. I am not sure how that will evolve, but I know I sometime value to love more than being loved, but it is conditional. With family and friends, it is both; I love loving them and being loved by them.

With the romantic encounters, it gets a little bit complicated; there are mutual love cases where both sides love each other. I wonder whether in this case could one distinguish between “the love we feel towards that person and the feelings induced by being loved by them” (see below)? How does this work I have no idea.

The un-mutual love cases on the other hand, are interesting. If you ever experienced this; e.g. you love someone, but that person does not love you back, or you are loved by someone but you do not love the same person, you would know how it feels in either case.

Loving someone in one case and being loved in another case; which one do you think is better?

writing and the mystery of feelings

Writing gives thoughts and feelings voice, sometime quite complicated ones even. I have understood a number of things about my experiences just by writing – it helps to analyze, define, and understand especially my feelings.

Sometimes though, I feel like putting feelings in a logical frame (by writing) diminishes their mystery.

there is a day I do not want to see

———————————————————–

there is a day I do not want to see;

when they tell me that you are gone

do not love me, hate me, all is fine

just do not die before me

———————————————————–

Kate’s short story – LII

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self reflections on a poem re; one part of me is yours

In an earlier post, I had come up with a two-line poem:

one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else

I have since been perplexed and mesmerized by it because I am not sure whether it is the most romantic or the cheesiest thing I have ever said.

If not cheesy then, what does it mean? What is its significance? What was I thinking while writing it?

I sometime have free-writing sessions where I just type down things as they appear in my mind. That poem was a product of such a session, though I certainly had an inspiring person in my mind. So sadly, I cannot know what was going through my mind at that time.

But I contemplated about the other questions. My current interpretation is that she refers to her feelings, thoughts, care, and memories about him (or maybe just her heart) when she says “one part of me is yours”. That I would say is a romantic thing to say, though one can question why she was his only in part but not entirely. Realistically, one part is good enough. So I will leave it here.

While the first part is a simple but powerful statement, the second part is overly a clichĂ© (e.g. treasure) and an over-generalization (e.g. more than anything else), so there is a little bit of a sharp turn here. Anyhow. But I understand that she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much. Why? Just because it is his? I think that is a critical question to ask but I am not sure whether I have an answer to it yet. Additionally, she sounds overly protective of her “part”; I would say she is determined.

These being said, I need to go back to the section above; “she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much“.

Even more than him??

When I reflected on this question, I realized that the entire effort to find a meaning, a label for this poem fell apart. I realized that she does not have him. All she has of him is her “part”. This is her only connection to him; if she loses her feelings, thoughts, memories about him, she loses him. She loses her love. That is why she values it that much.

This poem is not romantic or cheesy; it is a very sad poem.

my love, I can not lose myself in love

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I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

my feelings; those little birdies

new to life, curious and excited

so innocent, so shortsighted

I am excited mostly; just sometime cautious

what will happen to my feelings

once they meet with yours

they can get crushed

they can get cherished

in cherishment is the hope

and the hope I dream

however excited I may be

and my feelings daring and keen

my love, I can not lose myself in love

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XLI

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he was my little morning dove

I once loved a boy

he was young and scarred

life was his biggest enemy

pained in every inch, every moment

all remedies stolen

he had the softest heart I have ever known

gentle, loving, even though broken

he was my little morning dove

to be handled with affection and love

he was my son, my brother, my husband

he was the love of my life

———————————————————————–

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I have not lost myself in love yet

———————————————————————-

I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

I can not lose myself in love yet

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XL

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there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you

———————————————————————————–

I could not convince you and now I cannot convince people who care about me. Nowadays there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you M. As if you are unlovable. As if I am not capable of loving.

———————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XXXVIII

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that was a girl to move the mountains for

——————————————————————————

I forgave myself and then remembered

the way I was, the feminine side

the girl next door, sweet, lovely, and cute

with nice nails, hair, and dresses

with an adorable shyness

and inherent, challenging toughness

that was a girl to move the mountains for

you made her fall for you with your charm

yet misread her outer calm

feeling defeated, you let it stand in the air

with no care, no feelings to dare

she drifted away mending, understanding

when she knew and eventually opened up to you

you denied all, sought for esteem of your own

and enjoyed every bit of her misery

her tears and years lost to you

became your cherished victory

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Kate’s short story – XXXV

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I dreamed a dream

I dreamed about you tonite

there was a sudden rush of feelings

joy, happiness, and excitement

it was so real, so profoundly felt

you talked to me, held my hands

overwhelmed, I cried silently

tears streaming

I kept looking at you, surprised

what did you feel? what did you think?

of seeing me crying

I kept looking at you

and you telling me these

that you loved me

and you wanted to marry me

that was all you said

that was all you did

did I dream a dream?

———————————————————————–

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Do you know what that makes me?

————————————————————————————-

You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

————————————————————————————-

Kate’s short story – XXXI

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You can not know what the other person’s life is

They say that until you get your own child, you would never know how a parent feels or how difficult is the parenthood.

I believe in this.

It is because I think we understand something better when we directly experience it.

I hence never claim that I understand how parents feel.

Though, I may be able to understand or relate how singles, people who do not have kids, and middle aged citizens can feel.

So next time before assuming you know what a single or childless person feels, thinks, or faces in life, stop yourself before saying silly things, such as;

“you do not have too much responsibility; you only take care of yourself, yet I have to take care of a family”

“we bought a house, what are you waiting for?”

“you are one person, you should be saving money, good for you!”

“we called you the other day, where were you?”

kind of things.

You can not know what the other person’s life, finances, troubles, or schedule is like. Not everybody lives your life.

Stop it.

it is gonna be okay, I gotta say

I want to lie down tonite

feeling sick, as if something is coming

a bug, a tiredness, something

no tea, no soup, no nothing

is gonna make it better

just need to lie down

warm and silent

under a blanket

lights dimmed to help my eyes

rested and my body and mind

feeling contemplations

it is gonna be okay, I gotta say

holding my own head

checking my fever

———————————————————————–

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You had what I could not and I had what you would not

———————————————————————-

It is true that the more I loved you M., the more I disliked myself. You were kind, nice, full of joy and life. I have never seen you upset or mad. You never talked before thinking, never hurt anybody’s feelings. You always knew the best music, the best CD, the best movie, and the best art show to share. Your manners were exceptional. You always smelled good, walked and talked at the right pace. Your voice was soothing.

You had what I could not and I had what you would not; I could be mean and hot-headed. I snapped pretty easily. I never thought before speaking, and I said whatever went through me. I hurt a lot of people’s feelings just by this. I apologized to more people more often in a single day than you ever did. I walked and talked fast, especially when I was nervous. I hardly was an art-fan or something. I could stink when I sweated. My language was dry, my words were short, and my voice was hoarse. My manners were, meh, just average.

to be continued

———————————————————————-

Kate’s short story – XXI

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