struggle or growth?

I am not sure whether I am struggling with my career or just growing.

It is sometimes hard to know, my friends.

I know I am struggling; I work harder than ever and trying to do many new things all at the same time. It is exhausting, stressful, and requires enormous amount of energy and focus. I do these because I am capable of doing, but the real motivation is the increasingly toxic and criticism-filled environment that makes me feel like I am not worthy and dispensable. I guess I am trying to show that I am not; I am a valuable and contributing member of my work-place. Even I say so now, I, the worst critique of myself.

It is strange writing this here – the real motivation after my over-work is being my frustration towards my work-place. Very counter-intuitive, is it not?

I think I must accept the fact that I had lost, and I am still at lost the majority of the time, my self-confidence in this position. The negative attitudes at my work triggered a reaction to turn things around. That is why I am working so hard and taking new roles. With each work and role accomplished, I gain confidence. Or, may be this is just an illusion. Hard to know….. But if it is real, then this hardship has been incredibly useful for me! ūüôā

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I am also growing. A lot changed in me since last year.

I am detached to my work-place and with each blow or slab to the face this detachment is growing. This is strange but also liberating indeed. It forces me to re-evaluate my wishes and my wants, and somehow forces me to think outside of my current box. Just yesterday I realized I could move to another country for work. Would it not be terrific? A new country, a new city, a new apartment, new bakery, new neighborhood, lots of plants, tall windows, people and lights in the street day and night. Energy, change, excitement, new experiences. Wow – that is a great picture!

I also became more assertive since last year and I am good at saying no now ūüôā Well, at least better than before. I can also express myself and my frustration better. I can keep my stand better. This is lovely.

I also care much less about things that I would otherwise do; mostly related to work and work-related recognition. Less stress, less anxiety, more room for more important things. I hope.

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There is an apparent duality in my interpretations of these experiences, like in anything else I guess. One can argue that it is a point of view. Maybe one day I am struggling and maybe next day this experience makes me do something, which grows me (like the job application I made in Europe yesterday). Maybe it is all struggle and my mind finds some kind of serenity in finding/believing in positives (in order not to lose it).

I do not know really. Only time will tell. Right now, I know that I both struggle and grow at the same time.

It is a delicate balance; if struggle gets worse, the balance will tip down on this side and I may sink deep. If I grow, the other side of the balance will lift.

My aim is to lift myself up.

The balance is still unstable though. So, my struggle to end this struggle (what an irony РI need a new struggle to end another struggle??) is continuing. 

I am tired. Yes, I am. But I keep going.

I think I am giving a good fight here.

ūüôā

Sylvester Stallone Training GIF by Rocky - Find & Share on GIPHY

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gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/rockymovie-movie-rocky-sylvester-stallone-d2ZfqZY5eSCR0rza

why do we need to feel good?

At one point in my life, many years ago, I was feeling really bad. As a result I turned into books to understand these feelings, their causes, and how to better deal with the thoughts and emotions as a result.

One thing that misses usually from my overall look at life is trust; trust that things will turn out just okay. Trust that I will be able to handle things well. I now am somehow better in this area if I can remind myself.

My other big habit is to not let go of things, plans, wishes, or wants easily. I believe that they take quite a time and effort to come up with, organize, and execute. These, if not followed with success, eventually it leads to frustration and self-doubt. That hurts and amplifies the the first trust issue; trusting that I will be able to handle things well. This being said, not being an easy dumper is also good sometime, as many things in life require more than mere luck and rather lots of efforts and patience. I have good examples of relatively big success came by not quitting and constantly working towards the aim.

The third would be to have a sharp focus. This is great when there is a task at hand, but not great while dealing with life issues, which are often more complex and repeating in nature. Seeing the big picture, my own and the issue’s place within everything life offers can be quite illuminating; after all what is the big deal as long as we are safe, sound, alive, and able?

I once was silly enough to complain to one of my friends about my own itsy bitsy issues a few months after she has lost her dad. I apologized when I realized what I was being so selfish and insensitive to my friend. She did something amazing and gave a piece of wisdom; there was no pain little or big enough; pain is pain and it fills us almost immediately; fast and expandable. I love this definition, which is so true. But I still want to get out of the room of the pain and see the other things in life. This change in the perspective is healthy, promotes positivity, and eventually calms me.

if there is another thing that calms me is to surrounder to pain. I was not able to understand the meaning of this for years, but one day it just came; I was struggling to decide on something critical, very, critical, and after a long and painful internal fight, my shoulders just dropped. Decision was made by my body. I had failed to make the decision I so long wanted to make. But I could not take it anymore. Fight was over. Pain was pain, but less than the pain my internal fight created. Failed to make the best decision? Yes. Succeeded in surviving my turmoil? Yes. Life can be this messy sometimes.

We have so many examples of hardship in our lives. So many mistakes and resentful memories, actions, words, and behaviors.

What is the solution?

Keep going?

or

Forget these or forgive ourselves? 

 

joy journal – May 9, 2015

1. I am grateful for getting up early – 8 am to be exact. I found a chance to fill the day with many activities.

2. I am grateful for having breakfast at my favourite cafe – the staff changed, which makes it a little bit different. Change is good, though I would prefer the previous staff – she was really nice and kind.

3. I am grateful for getting bored at home and going to the office around 11 am. I have worked with a team member of mine, who was also at work. With time available, we have taken care of some stuff. I could not finish my own work but that is okay. I worked a little bit back at home, which made me pleased. I also printed out some documents which I can handle tomorrow.

4. I am grateful for drinking two cups of teas today at the office – I am feeling better when I drink tea ūüôā

5. I am grateful for walking back from office to home. I was feeling lazy (as usual) but decided to walk anyhow. That amazes me; good job! I should integrate more walking here and there, especially at the weekends. It is relaxing, healthy, and makes me feel good.

6. I am grateful for cleaning my home Рhonestly I did not want to do it today (one of the reasons I went to office today). But I did it. I also opened the windows and let fresh air in. Additionally I noticed that the crack on my wall is getting worse Рit is time to get a second opinion and start taking care of it before it gets way worse. Not that I feel good about it, no. I quietly wished that the crack was random, due to the warming temperatures. But no, I guess it is more like a foundation problem. Emotions around financial hardship, stress to find and arrange for a good repair company, and finding the time to deal with all of these are not joyful. But, knowing that I have nothing to do but work towards the repair at least focuses me. Focus gives me peace of mind.

7. I am grateful that I finally focused and planned my work-related tasks. Now, I have a plan. When you have a plan, an itemized and scheduled plan, it does not feel overwhelming. One step at a time. things are clear in my mind and thus I feel motivated to take the steps.

8. I am grateful that I also listed the things I have to take care in my life. I have been aware of them for a long time, with little determination¬†but nothing too substantial. For example, my weight, my unhealthy eating habits, the need for more exercise, and reducing my expenses. I have done all of these before and I was more or less successful – especially about frugality and healthy diet+exercise. I have the expertise, I have the confidence, I just do not have the determination… I just gotta¬†take action.

9. I am grateful for figuring out why I constantly feel the need to pamper myself. because I have too many things to deal with (work, house, and life). Since these issues are not going anywhere unless I start taking care of them, they just keep accumulate and collectively bother me. I need a plan. I need to stick to it. I will write on this later in detail Рit will help me to activate the plan.

10. I am grateful for having a healthy dinner tonite.

11. I am grateful for having the night to myself – quiet, lovely, and peaceful.

12. I am grateful for getting ready for a good night sleep. I really hope that it will be a restful sleep.

13. I am grateful for tomorrow being sunday. I can go to office, I can take my time and relax at home, or I can do whatever I would like to do.

14. For some reason, I am grateful for not shopping in the last 10 days or so. Could not figure out the reason yet ūüôā

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful

I am excited so I feel like I have to put this excitement into words.

I had a series of writings/poems under the Kate’s short story category; I decided to end it today.

I am very happy with this decision. While I am happy with some of its parts (that I can extend later to form other, much better stories/poems), I am feeling it is also quite a relief to let it go. I have had quite heavy feelings, and not necessarily positive ones, when I focus on writing it; an impossible love is not a positive experience (in terms of the feelings it evoked).

Come to think about it, I have other series called Sasha’s story¬†and The Life in the Diary,¬†¬†which¬†are collections of two other story lines. Both are depressive.

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful.

I decided today that I did not need more “heavy feelings”: rather there is also joy, happiness, opportunities, peace, kindness, and goodness in life. I will focus on these from now on.

I will make my writings reflecting these. Pain is everywhere, so can be happiness.

cheers

Sasha – part 4

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Life with anxiety forces you to change. I tried very hard to do my best to relief my symptoms. First thing first, I started eating a little bit healthier. It nourished my mind maybe more than my body Рthere was a little bit excitement and satisfaction in putting the effort to go to the stores, get fresh produce and healthy food; I had felt like taking care of myself, having some kind of superficial control in my anxious life. It helped.

Then, I started exercising Рsimilar to the better eating attempts, that idea was mostly from the books I have read about anxiety. It was not easy at first, but I somehow managed to start cardio activities. Kick-boxing to be exact. It really works; a surprising fact. They say it is endorphins or something, the feel-good hormones and natural pain-killers that are released during physical activity that elevate the mood. Cool. For me, no levels were enough to make me feel better though. But with activity, I at least had the chance to focus my mind on my body and environment Рor somebody would come and kick me at the head :). I needed to force myself to focus on something.

Yet, one cannot live at the gym and¬†doing nothing meant listening to my mind. And it was telling me terrible stories. No, I could not be still. So I walked.¬†I walked any time, any day. No rain, no snow storm, no work waiting for me did defer me from walking. Day and night, whenever I had “it”, the feeling of suffocation anxiety gave me; the feeling of desperately looking for a way to¬†escape from it; the feeling of “what will happen to me?” ; the feeling of seeing no no-anxiety day in future; the feeling of having no hope whatsoever to return back to what I was prior to anxiety,¬†I threw myself out. I often cried, too, out of misery.

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Sasha – part 4

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