life priorities

I woke up feeling a little bit lost thinking that my life priorities need to change and I should re-prioritize what are important.

For my entire life, my work was prioritized mostly because I love what I do (mostly).

In the last 3 years or so, I prioritized my personal and financial health over work a little bit after I purchased my home: I was not highly successful in terms of personal health (I had a lower back problem that ended me in the emergency, which still acts time to time; I have not lost the extra weight I am carrying around even though I am 5-10 pounds lighter than 5 years ago; and I have not been consistent about eating a variety of food every week). But I was more consistent with the financial planning, frugal spending/budgeting, and savings.

The last 6 months, I became agitated by the toxic work place and all the pressures. One solution to overcome this feeling was working more (irony, is it not? 🙂 ). So I worked almost non-stop since the beginning of July. I feel tired, stressed, and somehow more accomplished. Sadly, working hard and stress also means eating junk and getting lazy and not walking as much as I would. Also not saving as much as I would.

Stressed Big Bang Theory GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Thus, I realized this morning that sometime setting priorities do not work and we may not be able to keep up with all of them at the same time. It does not mean we cannot try. It just means that realistically it may not be possible and that can be okay.

In other words, I forgave myself for eating junk food! 🙂

Joking.

I forgave myself for changing priorities and not sticking up with the most important one.

——————————–

I know that my traditional annual reflection time (aka holidays ) is coming and it is only natural to realize these now that we are close to it.

For 2018 I would like to prioritize my health and well being, work, and family; they go hand-to-hand. Financial plans will be my least of priorities this year. This does not mean that I will not be budgeting and aiming to save; just reminding myself what is important more.

Family cannot be prioritized enough. We as mortals are here for this moment and may not be the next one. What $ and work can replace the people we love? They will be on top of my list.

I enjoy not having a chronic disease, but who knows what will happen next year? Probability of having one increases with each age. Thus, I will care about my eating, exercise, and lower back as much as I can. 

And work? I can continue to work but maybe a little bit less intense and more effective. What I need is a way to control my feelings and find a venue to vent them out and clarify my mind. The yoga classes offered close to my home always relaxed me, yet looks like they also exacerbated my lower back problem. Goodness knows, I want to start again to feel that way. I wonder whether there are programs designed specifically for people like me having back problems? One thing to check.

Someone GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

—————————————-

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/funny-lol-gifs-z8rNTahrkRzsQ;https://giphy.com/gifs/someone-job-nothing-8luKdZnoYWiPK

 

I have forgotten

poem

—————

I may have forgetten

got busy with work

but pain remains

for not being who I could be

if I were with you

I may have forgetten

got hopeful with future

but my dream remains

hinting how it could be

if I were your girl

I may have forgotten

got down with misery

but my grief has remained

for not being what I could be

if I could be

I would be happy with you

eventually I have forgotten

my heart mended

and mind refreshed

but tears remained

I got cold and void

for not forgivin’

a year without dad

Today is the first anniversary of the death of my dad – May he rest in peace…

I have been dreading this day knowing that it would make me deeply remember my dad (for which I am grateful), my regrets of what I should have done or what I should not have done when he was alive (for which I came to realization that there is nothing to be done), and the sadness I experience  over his death (which is so vivid and continuous)…

I am very sorry that my dad and I did not spend more quality time together. That I could not be a good daughter for him. That I was not with him when he died.

Despite these, I also know that he loved me and looked after me all the time. He forgave me too, for things I should not have said or done. My father was a father alright.

Among all these turbulent emotions, I am glad for a couple of things, too. When my father died, one of the fears I had developed was to forget my dad. I am glad that this has not turned into reality. And lately I thought that when I died, he would guide me and welcome me to death. I know this is ridiculous but it so soothes me and makes me unafraid of death. I am still not interested in dying (when he died I developed fear of my own mortality), but when the time comes I hope I will remember this.

Rest in peace dad. I am sorry for a lot of things. You knew these and you still loved me. For that I am ashamed, awed, and grateful. You know I would not choose another dad, but you. I love you.

Till next time. 

 

Movies GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

gif by:h ttp://giphy.com/gifs/sad-132bzOAtymSqc0

 

non passe absolution

poem

————————–

I will forgive you for all

except for giving me that clove

a decade and a half ago

and for pushing me away

many years later

by your thorns wrapped around

your tongue that dared to insult us

by separating our worlds

I really hate you for my pain

for many moments of false happiness

but most of all for making me

not being able to forgive you

until one of us dies

————————–


All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

death and forgiveness

Death does interesting stuff to your thinking.

At least, that is what the death of my dad did to me.

I am open about my pain more than I have ever imagined. I am human and I am okay to show it. I do not feel vulnerable or exploited or something like that. No. I feel completely human by talking and showing my grief and as a result, I get completely human responses; nicer, more positive, more emphatic…. I think I am lucky that I have good people around me – not one person said “stop this; you get to get over the death of your dad” or anything else that only an insensitive assh.le could say.

I am also forgiving. After all, what is not to forgive? No one in my life has hurt me physically or psychologically. Yes, there has been people influential on me and I cried, complained, got angry or heart-broken over people or their actions. Yes, I thought there was injustice or unfairness. Yes, I thought that I could do a lot better if I was given equity/equal opportunity. But no matter what, no one has ever hurt me in a way that I could not forgive. I have since then forgiven all and I am feeling good. Like an internal iceberg has melted and I am filled with warmth instead….

Death is a lonely journey. Thinking about someone going thru it is terrifying. It terrified my right before my dad passed away; I was worried about my dad going thru this unknown all alone. Was he scared? I kind of think he might have… I was not there to hold his hand, look at his eyes, and say “it is okay, dad”… It still breaks my heart. Nobody should face death alone. It would be better if our minds and hearts are filled with love and gratitude, rather than fear and loneliness, while approaching our last moments in life.

So when I think about the fact that we all will go thru death, no matter how much we would like to ignore it, I feel the same compassion and affection for all. I do not think anybody in my life really meant to hurt me. And I would not like any one to suffer or be scared during their transition to death. These make forgiveness so easy, so natural.

I cannot believe death can have such a healing effect, but that is what I have experienced.

Hope you can forgive and it has been easier for you than it was for me.

Hope you can forgive someone today.

 

Fiction bits – III

Fiction bits

——————————————————————

The room was silent and certainly depressing. I wasn’t sure whether our presence made it better or just worse.

She came in hesitantly. When he saw her, he broke a smile first. Then, his eyes turned dark…. She left silently.

Nurses came; we nervously watched him moved to the OR.

I saw her facing the window in the hall; her face was still emotionless.

I got furious, but stopped abruptly as I came close.

Her face was still, she didn’t even blink, but tears were streaming from her eyes down to neck. Crystal-like drops. Like diamonds.

Inside, she was shattered.

The Wren, Sept 23, 2015

——————————————–

Fiction bits – III

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

forgotten

you did good ending this

running and spreading your coldness

frozen I was; frozen

did not cry, did not complain, did not vent

peace it was; only frozen

dreamt about you the other day

woke up trying to remember

forgiving I was; forgetting

did not remember, did not hate, did not cry

forgotten you were; forgotten

———————————————————————–

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

not everyone deserves full forgiveness

okay… I am listening to a video clip about positivity and kindness. And I realize, sometimes, no, total forgiveness is not good – some people over and over take advantage of others, use others, belittle and bully others, and more.

Nope, I am not going to fully be forgiving those people; what if they try it again?

Being cautious.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: