I have forgotten

poem

—————

I may have forgetten

got busy with work

but pain remains

for not being who I could be

if I were with you

I may have forgetten

got hopeful with future

but my dream remains

hinting how it could be

if I were your girl

I may have forgotten

got down with misery

but my grief has remained

for not being what I could be

if I could be

I would be happy with you

eventually I have forgotten

my heart mended

and mind refreshed

but tears remained

I got cold and void

for not forgivin’

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

——————————————

The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

——————————————

That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

——————————–

Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

———————————-

I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

———————————-

Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

non passe absolution

poem

————————–

I will forgive you for all

except for giving me that clove

a decade and a half ago

and for pushing me away

many years later

by your thorns wrapped around

your tongue that dared to insult us

by separating our worlds

I really hate you for my pain

for many moments of false happiness

but most of all for making me

not being able to forgive you

until one of us dies

————————–


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abyss

I do not know darling;

all now lies in the past

maybe on a sunday morning I can get to remember

with a smile on my face and a mug of coffee in my hand

the scent reminding me your smile

that day on the shore with the sunlight caressing your face

and your hair mixing with the wind

that cute smile on your lips…

remembering that would hurt, but the day is new

even with the pain, now I can walk through

your face had a careless expression

gazing off the ocean

steady and happy like nothing mattered

I was awed and at the same time uneasy

you had mattered to me darling

but this had to stop;

knowing that there was no us

had drilled me bad

I remembered it was unfair, this thing we called life

it was as if I did not get to deserve love

the pain was careless, merciles, inevitable

and I let myself turn around and leave

the air had tasted bitter, the salt had burnt my skin

my eyes had turned red with the pain

ocean’s arms mixed with the rocks and then the dirty roads

blackened they had ruined everywhere they touched

the scent was hellish, disguised in the air

I had failed and fallen; that abyss was dark and deep

terrified yet I just kept going

with each passing second feeling the fear of crash…

it has been years now that this fall has started

I seem to have relaxed inevitably, caressed by the wind

I talk and joke with the darkness

nothing is strange, nothing is hurtful

I keep falling and falling, yet

there is some kind of careless smile on my face

that makes me awed

and you seem to be forgotten

 

—————————-

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season winter

poem

——————–

 

many springs passed since last time

green and alive

and many thoughts and tears

without care

hard to imagine when this will end

this winter.. this foggy air..

I am stuck with hunger;

dreams give temporary relief

telling the regular lie

we are together like a lovely couple

I look at your eyes and see the inner boy

a 10 years old with hope and joyful

no age matters, no gray, no hair

giggling and humming the tunes

we are walking down the harbour

like no one else exists, none matters

the sky is blue and it is warm

I see the river and the city behind

it is one dream I love

—————————————————–
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vengeance

poem

——————–

it is as if there was nothing you cannot do

to not kiss this girl

and not to wrap your arms around her

we reached the old age

can hardly lift our arms

let alone give a kiss

and just now you are making a move

and just now I am not to be missed

 

—————————————————–
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the poem with two colors

poem

—————————————————–

First

all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can come through

no couple I can stand to see

I am a stranger to my own silence

cannot talk my heart out of you

tired of this defiance

I must try once again

to assault your memory

what would you say

if you knew my side of the story?

 

========================

Second

I must try once again

to insult your memory

cannot talk my heart out of you

cursed it is, hurt

it has been years

yet years did not sweep tears

how am I going to move ahead

when all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can be read

no couple I can stand to see

if you knew, what would you feel?

it has been years

for years you have occupied me

I am a stranger to my own silence

I am left with no smile, no inner stillness

 

—————————————————–
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dreams are stronger

poem
————————-

I saw a couple today happy

seeing them deepens my sorrow

reminds me…. inside

inside is so hollow

I am missing a part of me

I can’t steer my way around

pain is sharp, my legs tremble

it exhausts me

reality hurts so dreams are better

I long somewhere in another world

where I am…

I am…….

where there is that little line on your cheek!

that makes you all sweet and speak!

seeing that again I can reach to the moon!

humming the sweetest tune!

I fuel the blaze around my feelings

it reaches the sky

gazing up I smile

remembering that I left you behind

much later than you have had

they start to fall from the sky, the ashes

like the wedding veil I embraced

my eyes softened, gazing low

feeling everything I longed for

I lift my own veil

see, dreams are stronger

————————-
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Wren

poem

———————

he looked in a way that
only she would understand
it was quiet and painful..
smiles were dead, silence was hurtful
pain drilled her eyes
heading low, sinking towards
all the pain
they have gone thru
this one she not knew
eye lids closed, cheeks cold
she just wished he had told
his reasons for giving up
words could have been forgotten
but silence.. no it cannot be forsaken…
she dreamed for heartlessness
whatever breath left with her
she walked away, dull and worthless
she wished he had
looked up and said
“goodbye sweetheart”
to ease her demise
no… but… no…
she turned around disbelieving
he was lying on the bed
his head turned to right
watching the wren on the window trim
as it pecked lovingly with the sun beam
———————
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silence

poem

——————————-

today I dreamt about you;

we were together again, walking

on the streets of the city we love

chatting formally and distant first, and then

bursting into laughter for no reason

we were what we were years ago;

no matter how distant now our hearts are

we were close once we were together

nothing much changed…. nothing much differed…

your voice, look, and smile decidedly

and still was exciting and ineradicable

yet, reality struck once the abrupt silence arrived

the closer we were, the more clear it was

none of these was true….none of these mattered……

——————————-

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leave me be

——————————————–

love struck I was

smiling for no reason

life was pretty

love was a must

hungry I was

for all seasons

rain did not bother

snow, hey, was just there

standing tall

feeling lively

lifelike I was

gone, gone, gone

tears came and when done

emptied I was, emptied

my heart in three pieces

sigh…………….

broken it was, broken

not once but twice

suffice it was, the price

be gone

do not remember me

or call my name

be gone, you

be gone to another love

suck its blood while you can

drain if you wish

but do not let me be

do not let me be…

leave me

leave me be

——————————————–

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Fiction bits – I

Fiction bits

——————————————————————-

Maybe it is true – when a man loves, you know it. You do not anticipate it. You do not ask for it.

You just know it.

Today I breathe just like anyone else who has gone through her life. Battles won, hardships survived. But my heart remains broken.

——————————————————————-

Fiction bits – I

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aching dreams

they say when you break a bone

even after healing

you can still feel it lightly aching;

how true it seems….

one of these days that my heart aches

over an old heart-break

there were things to live, things to say

things to experience, things to share,

and things to be happy with

life would have been different,

more content maybe, more exciting,

and more fulfilling..

or maybe not….

possibly not actually.

well, what did I expect?

without living that love,

one can only cry

after the dreams

for the dreams

——————————————————————-

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the movie “Cast Away”

I am watching the movie “Cast Away”, which evoked a bunch of different emotions; from stress (the initial part of the movie), to a sense of adventure (the life on island), courage or indifference (sailing away from the island), beauty in nature (when the whale and the character exchange glances), hope (when the cargo ship passes next to the character), healing (when the character flies back home on a plane), gratefulness (when the character is back to civilized life), love (when he sees his sweetheart again), the heart-break (when the character cannot get his sweetheart back in his life).

Possibly under different conditions, yet we all experience these emotions throughout our lives. I felt for the character especially when he realized he cannot get his love back.

Love makes it or breaks it.

May your heart stay strong.

remember me

gather all the leaves

on the ground

on a fall day and

look at the colours

remember me; me

whose feelings were

genuine; me

whose thoughts were

resilient; me

whose heart was

expanding; me

whose mind was free;

free from fears

free from emotional breaks

free from prejudice

me;

my colour was orange;

remember me.

———————————————————————–

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there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

quiet and peaceful;

forgetting the internal fights and the thunder outside

I look at you and I find myself adoring

all speechless just gazing.

there are times that I gain strength from you

I stand tall, with a large smile;

I am invulnerable

confident that I can reach to moon

humming the sweetest tune.

Then I want to walk with you, within you

I jump in, alas! your stones bleed my feet

your stream suffocates me;

feeling you and not being with you

that is, my love, how it hurts

each time you go through me

———————————————————————–

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not forsaken

..no…

tonite I thought about you

bored mind makes things happen

plus, the stage; that curtain, those lights..

I remembered all; and all was misshapen

…yes…

I have not forgiven, yet forgotten

cannot smile to your memory

nor care;

not sad…. not forsaken

——————————————————————————-

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cheerful poem

———————————————————————–

they seem not to know

how lovely I have seen life

how different I was too

when I was around you

I have no anger left in me

to encounter this

so I cry, I cry now

whenever someone asks

why the hey did I love you

but not anyone else

they seem to forget calculations

or maybe it was me

that among all, billions of men

I chose you, what the hey! 🙂

———————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – LVI

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My take on 2014

My take on 2014 is:

family is great.

long-term and solid friends are the best.

work is endless and as such does not deserve my entire time.

my heart first expanded to the size of Atlantic Ocean, then sank to the bottom, and now it does not matter.

and now I am writing; no words to be unuttered, no emotion unendured, no wishes unblessed, and no day unspoken for.

getting close to accepting the defeat

—————————————————————————————————–

I hope, my love, one day you will love someone who loves you at least as much as I do.

I hope you will find the sparks, excitement, happiness, and contentment with that girl who deserves you, your gentle manners, your wonderful character, and your lovely laughter.

I hope she will always cherish, respect, and love you; do the right things for you; make you laugh often; give you a warm hug and keep there when you need it; care for your health and well being; relentlessly support you in all of your endeavours, and admire you like nobody else.

I hope she will love your voice and make you hum happy songs all day long; lift you up when you kneeled down, stand next to you when all is troublesome, and be proud of you when you solve all. I hope one day you will marry her and have the daughters you wish for. I hope my love you will be the one to give me these great news.

Have the determination to open your heart to the beauties around you. Share yourself more so that all can know your greatness and human side. Be happy beyond your imagination. Write those pieces, produce those programs, and take the most spectacular photos. Even if life cuts short and none or only some of them happens, know before we perish, how thoroughly, passionately, and tirelessly you were loved. Despite all. Despite by me.

None has touched both my heart and my life as you have, none has left me with myself so fast, so many different times. I love you. One part of me will always be thinking about you, loving, caring, and admiring you.

—————————————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XLVII

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You are damn worthy

There is something strange about loving someone who does not love you back; the damage to the self-esteem, the loss of self-worth.

So she/he does not love you; does that mean you are unworthy?  inadequate?  undesirable? not good enough? unlovable?

Remember how you dared by putting your heart, mind, and love out there?

You are brave, strong, and damn worthy.

that was a girl to move the mountains for

——————————————————————————

I forgave myself and then remembered

the way I was, the feminine side

the girl next door, sweet, lovely, and cute

with nice nails, hair, and dresses

with an adorable shyness

and inherent, challenging toughness

that was a girl to move the mountains for

you made her fall for you with your charm

yet misread her outer calm

feeling defeated, you let it stand in the air

with no care, no feelings to dare

she drifted away mending, understanding

when she knew and eventually opened up to you

you denied all, sought for esteem of your own

and enjoyed every bit of her misery

her tears and years lost to you

became your cherished victory

——————————————————————————

Kate’s short story – XXXV

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I realize I am jealous

————————————————————————————–

love seems to be everywhere

in songs I listen to

in cards I get, in stories I read

in excitement of a friend

who is getting married

there is no escape from this

twisting, evil pain in my heart

that bursts in flames

shouting at my face

you do not have the love you want!

pained, void, and deeply bruised

I realize I am jealous

————————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XXXII

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Do you know what that makes me?

————————————————————————————-

You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

————————————————————————————-

Kate’s short story – XXXI

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nutty love

———————————————

I get it; I went nuts

I am doubtful of what I say

what I think, what I feel

my mind is a star away

I keep thinking

how can I be both happy and in pain

because of a love unattainable

I feel on the edge again

many thoughts float in my brain

if it continues like this

I will not be sane

——————————————–

Kate’s short story – XVII

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end content

—————————————————————————————–

two nights ago

a thought crossed my mind

“this will end one day”

it said

realizing the truth in it

maybe for the first time so naked

I felt the urge to live and panicked

I did know that

I would either regret

not having been with you

or be content

knowing that I did love you

I will not get to choose

which one will show up in my mind

to prevent the regret

forgetting you till then

would be the best

yet I will take the risk

I wish to end content

—————————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XVI

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Changing directions

—————————————————————————————————-

In the entire story, two things are constant; the hurt and confusion created by ever changing directions of my emotions. One moment I am so profoundly in love with you; nothing and no one else matters. My entire existence is you, thoughts about you, longing for you. And the next day, I feel simply nothing towards you. Sometimes, just sometimes, I just hate you.

—————————————————————————————————-

Kate’ short story – XIII

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while waiting the end of “us”

—————————————————————————————-
I trashed everything that reminded you. But memories are the worst; how do I bury a part of me?

Nevertheless, with a strange pleasure I can say that it has been four days…I was not able to feel anything for you.

Neither love nor hate.

I did not miss you.

I did not even cry.

There has been other times like this before; none so long, though. I had estimated that over time they would get longer and longer. Then, one would be “it”. “It” would be the end of “us”.

While I cry over you, I often find myself humming “Come What May” of Moulin Rouge; one particular line I like – “suddenly my life does not seem such a waste“. It is such a fragile line.. What happens if one replaces the word “waste” with “mess”?

ah, yes..

There will be an end of us.
—————————————————————————————

Kate’s short story-V

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the poem of heart

———————————————-
we all were wrong

it started as a joke
then stuck around
yet I got it serious
and I was into it
maybe it was your joy
may be your loveliness
for whatever reason there I was
waiting you

one fall evening
you gave me a flower
finally thought
you would ask me out
waiting long enough

I asked a friend
“T, do you think he likes me?”
he said with sadness

“no, he does not”
my heart sank…
we all were wrong
and I was
the last one to know
———————————————

Kate’s short story-IV

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love comes and goes

————————————————————————————————–

Love comes and goes; that is my observation.

It is such a fragile thing, love is; it is like an unstable chemical that one moment there with all of its intensity requiring all the attention for its needs and then the next time, it is gone … no more the exhilaration, no more the joy, no more the excitement, no more the demands of it.

Nowadays I feel like it does not exist any more and I find a kind of serenity, peace in it. Deep down, though, I know I in fact find a great pleasure for its non-existence towards him. That is possibly my ego talking and if my ego was not strong enough, then I would be deeply saddened by its non-existence; is not my love toward him what I loved more than him?

Things will change soon;  I will choose practising kindness and forgiveness and my ego will subsidize as a result. I will start feeling the intensity of it and its demands from me again. Like someone/something that I cannot say no, I will give my whole attention to ensure its survival. It will drill my heart. I will shed tears.

Human heart is a primitive thing and human mind is a calculating one. This duality is what bothers me most about love.

———————————————————————————————————-

Kate’s short story-III

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the sincere poem

———————————————————————————–

when I was there with you
I had a glimpse of life;
it was beautiful
and exciting.
and I was plain happy.

Happiness, one I got used to too quickly.

did I love you?
I have been pondering over and over again
I cannot know the answer;
as I do not know why I loved you
before and then
but then I came to realize that
when it is just an internal monologue,
it is not love anyway.

but I loved myself when I was with you;
a happy, excited, soft, and expressive intense creature!
Boy! I loved myself then
and now when I remember!

if you are going to stay angry at me
go ahead do that
but if you think you cannot forgive me for that
you are plain wrong

Kate’s short story – II

———————————————————————————–

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