random thoughts

I am somehow exhausted. I blame the hectic diet I have been having lately. I eat much less than what I used to do. This is partly because of the back pain I have had, which prompts me to lie/sit on the bed starting like 7pm every night, as the recliner or the chair are not comfy. Since I am a lazy person, sometime I do not get up and go down to the 1st floor to grab something to eat. As a result, my late night eating is reduced significantly.

This may sound like a positive change, but I am not sure. Considering that I usually do not have breakfast and my lunch is almost always a snack, like canned fish or trail mix, that leaves me with only the dinner as a daily source of nutrition and calories. I am a big girl and I need a lot of calories. More importantly, I should not be too restricting the caloric intake otherwise I believe my body will enter into a starvation mode and will frantically store whatever I eat as fat. That means imbalances in energy metabolisms as well as possible weight gain. Add up to these negative possibilities the feeling of exhaustion I have now, and you realize that something gotta change right away.

My exhaustion may as well be because of the boring work I have done the past few weeks. I have many stuff waiting on my to-do-list, yet I am spending the half of my time to train my team members. I wish that ended soon so that I can take care of my own work. I am mentally bored as a result and that may cause my exhaustion somehow.

Anyways, the good news I went to my bank and increased my biweekly RRSP contribution starting April. That is so cool! 🙂

 

procrastination and venting

Have you ever experienced that you are not taking care of the stuff that you must and have self-destructive feelings as a result?

I am. As a matter of fact, it is a lot nowadays.

I have work-related, house-related, and personal healthy life-style related things to do; the majority of these have been on my to-do list for sometime. As such, the fact that I have not taken care of them makes me feel incapacitated and lazy. I do not like this feeling.

For work-related things: I am way behind some of them, which is really annoying. There were times that I took it light and did not work long-hours with a sharp focus. Then I went on vacation. Then I came back and the weather and the comfort of the home were so nice that I left the office early (though I kept doing light work at home). And eventually, now I am feeling very heavily the weight of the unfinished tasks. I have done a good job today at the cafe and then later at home, but still feeling not adequate… The only remedy is to have a hard-look at the items in my list and start committing my time and energy to them.

For house-related things: I have started some of them, but did not finish them all yet; caulking around the bathroom tubs, re-painting the window trims, staining the patches that lifted up on the front stairs and the back deck are the main ones. What am I waiting for? I do not know. To my credit, I have finished caulking around the windows and between the windows and the siding. Yet, it is not enough… And the weather will turn soon, start raining and all – I must complete these in a couple of weeks.

Also decluttering the house activity: I have done quite a bit; yet the most important one, the living room, has remained. It is the hardest as I have the most paperwork and clutter in this area. Again, what am I waiting for? (I am scared to start it, see; I know it will take me maybe a day or so to do a through job; I do not like seeing piles of stuff sorted out here and there. What is my solution??).

And for the healthy-life style related ones; implementing an eating healthy strategy is still a challenge. I did not go to office today and rather started working at the cafe. And guess what I have had for the breakfast? Muffin.. Who am I kidding? How am I going to lose weight and also nourish my body while I continue to eat bagels, muffins, and bread rather than whole meals? Why can I not cook meals for myself and refrain from those that I know are not good for me?

How about my walking and more exercise aim? I have not even walked today (only to and from a cafe 5 min away from my house). Why can I not work with the dumbbells at home, or do yoga or aerobic exercise following videos on youtube?

I think there is a little child inside me that prefers the comfort, easiness, and pleasure of not stretching myself to do these…. Even though I know that I must and I can. So who will win?

I had predicted earlier that that I would vent about my lack of discipline or dedication to the changes I would like to make… It is not something new, a consistent struggle, if you will. I am getting tired of this though (which is always a good sign – that means I will start taking steps).

Let’s see how this stage will go.

Once when I had vented here about my performance related to another change that I wanted to implement in my life, some of you had commented saying that I should be kind to myself and take it easy. I am kind to myself, but also have a tendency to choose the comfort over taking necessary items. So taking easy is out of equation – I have been taking it “easy” for quite some time.

I think my main challenge right now is to win over this internal fight, gather my strength, convince myself, and have a plan to follow. I will first start with the list of things I have done so far; at least they will give me a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I find this as a necessary step to realize that I am already in the middle of the road and I can just keep going, pushing forward. Then, I will have an itemized plan for every single tasks in my to-do-list.

honestly random thoughts

I found myself thinking about things not necessarily worth writing an entire post about. So, instead of losing them forever, here they are;

1. why do we not have “good news” channels or newspapers? I had heard one newspaper once a year would only publish positive news. I applaud that newspaper and I hope they will consider doing this everyday.

2. why do I have a tendency for physical laziness but not mental one? I love writing, reading, thinking, analysing but I seem to have lost my aptitude for physical exercise, walking, moving around the house, etc. When did I become this? and why?

3. I am not sure why I almost always miss Thursdays; seriously almost everyday has a meaning or task attached to it, but not Thursday (Tuesdays are quite similar, too; but at least it is close to Monday and as such still feels like the beginning of week and as such has a high energy….). While having a conversation with one of my colleagues today I realized it was a Thursday… Thursday; the day before Fridays. Thursday; the day almost always indifferent or forgotten; Thursday; the day reminds me that the week is almost ending but the work has not been taken care of.. Thursday, the day I have no idea what is happening….

4. I could not get used to the day-light savings thing… I keep getting up an hour later than before. I keep not bothering myself about it. That being said, when am I going to get a break from the work? And when I get it, what am I going to do? I obviously cannot spend time at home (boring), shopping requires time and energy (though once I am in the shopping mall, I usually feel energized 🙂 )….

5. My primary plan (to help break my routine, to help feel excited/positive) should be to find things that will be interesting to do. Art galleries? shows? new book-stores? (yes, yes, yes!!) 🙂 Oh boy…. Book-stores it is…

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