The curious case of “what if this is the best year of something?”

I was reading a blog post somewhere which gave me this idea:

What would be one or two things that life this year could have presented me with the best yet?

  • Best moments of feeling free (in rare moments in between stress)?
  • Being less perfectionist and saying no at work?
  • Being more outspoken in circumstances that require a reaction?
  • Being a little bit more self-oriented?
  • Actively engaging in changing my approach to life and work?
  • ……………….

I like this idea ūüôā

Not everything can be bad. I guess within all the fog, we have some kind of lovely flowers growing somewhere out there.

What is it that this year has given you the best yet?

fear of death, and the need to change and live

It has been over 6 weeks that my dad has died.

The pain of loss and the regrets I have are one side of the coin.

The other side is about me having faced the reality of death¬†and¬†realized how real and inevitable it is. How lonely and scary it is… And how unknown, how¬†anxiety creating it is.

Death puts life in a different perspective, my friends.

By facing my dad’s death, I also re-faced many things that I have been ignoring for a long time. For example: I ignored my own life by going around my comfort zone, I overly-protected myself, I have not dared what I could that would possibly make me happier. I have failed to change¬†my life in a way that would make me feel complete, excited, joyful, and happy.

These regrets are because I needed to prioritize one way over the other (for instance; working in another country away from my family was a choice that I have made. I have got a great and meaningful job, but the time I spent with the people I care most about is limited… That make me ache now). I now prioritize my financial well-being, which prevents me from moving out of my work, out of the city I live in. Ache.. Ache.. Ache..

But should I continue with these priorities? That is an important question.

…………..

By facing my dad’s death, I realized life was precious and transient, and I too will lose it one day. That scares me and feels¬†depressing…. No wonder all these centuries the¬†human as a whole¬†has made the extraordinary effort to find a meaning in life and ways to cope with death.

Not surprisingly, with these depressive thoughts came abroad all my feelings and thoughts that I knew they existed but were ignored anyhow. One though and regret stands out: I have wasted parts of my life and if I do not wake up soon and do something about this, I will continue the rest of my life with this regret.

I usually wake up with this thought in my mind. It is like a daily reminder that this could be just another day that I will continue to miss my life unless I do something about it. And I do not want to miss life anymore.

The problem is: I do not know what to do about it and how to turn things around.

I think about quitting my job time to time (I wrote about it some other time), which I believe will force me to take the necessary steps for a chance of better life. But, having no financial stability and the prospect of financial hardship is a strong deferrant (I wrote about that, too). I can of course find a job first and then quit my work+life here, but for some reason I do not work towards that, either.

I have another option of course, making my life here better. I just do not know how.

I feel stuck.

I over and over come to this same spot. At these times, the only thing I am left with is to believe that everything happens for a reason (eventually for a better outcome) and when it is the time, things start rolling.

I am in the waiting mode right now, but I will be looking for opportunities that can change my life for a better way.

 

 

economy, job security, and life choices

The economy does not look good where I am and there are talks about cuts coming quite soon so that our province can start paying our huge debt down. Of course as one of the government-backed institutions, my workplace is at risk too and things, to tell you the truth, do not look good for us, my colleagues, or my institution.

When there is little money/resources, the demand is higher. And money is so essential for everyone that it just makes the cuts and the fierce demands to relocate the cuts from one place to other, escalating quite fast. I was looking at the news and looks like my institution in so many ways seems like the one that will get some cuts. The end results will not be nice.

The fact that we are working in a small place and trying to reach and deliver a national or worldwide standard in our workplace does not come easy. We are often understaffed, our resources are limited, and these mean there is quite a pressure to overwork to get to the expected results/deliverables. Our salaries are also less than our peers in many other provinces. But when you look at the numbers and compare our salaries with other workers in the province, many people think that we are over-paid and that is unfair. As a result, many people now demand for cuts.

I do not blame people for wanting to cut unnecessary expenses (which I believe should BE¬†done), but I really do not understand why it is the¬†salaries (unless unjustifiably high) that gets the most reaction. I am making a decent salary but have been working very hard to do what I am doing. I know when compared to other institutions, our salary and benefits are not as good. Yet, here I am trying to make the best out of my capabilities, skills, and the limited resources I have access to. I try hard and I work hard. But then many people do these, too….

Honestly, I am scared of the cuts and the future of the economy. I am scared of having less and less in the future while the demand and pressure for work increases. I am scared that they will start laying off people, who were hard to get here at the first place. I am scared that the quality of work done will reduce substantially. But I am not that scared if they lay me off with a big fat cheque or severance pay (lets say a net pay of my 10 years of salary or something. Right РI am dreaming). As a matter of fact, if my institution agrees to give me a nice sum of money and possibly a small pension plan at my retirement age, I thought for a minute that I would be the first one to volunteer for it.

Why?

I am already fed up with the lack of opportunities and excitement here, presence of discriminatory behavior, and naturally I am longing for a better life. I am not sure whether I can make it better in my next city/work place, but honestly that could be an opportunity to have a new, better life nevertheless. I so far remained because of the job stability I have had and the pleasure I got out of my job. Overall, things have been fine, not great, but fine.

I do not wish hardship for anyone with their life, especially with their finances. It is not my fault that the economy is unstable and all of a sudden my province accumulated a lot of debt. It is also not my fault that I have not completely loved where I am. but if there will be a hardship on me because of the budget cuts and increased pressure, I would rather see it as an opportunity if I can also get something nice out of it, like a financial compensation. Without the compensation, though, it would significantly derail my life, especially financially.

So I better be careful with what I wish for. I would and do prefer financial and job security over excitement in the future. Just like what I have done so far in the last 6-7 years. So, I wish the cuts will not lead to lay offs and significant cuts in our salaries and benefits. I wish we all can pull this off somehow. I wish a better judgment could be made as what was unnecessary or necessary and the budget cuts could be placed fairly and appropriately. I wish nobody would lose their ability to put a shelter over their head, meal on their tables, food in their stomach, and most importantly their hope for their lives and future.

I had not realized how important the economy was until today.

 

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