grief over losing dad

It has been a week that my dad died.

I truly loved my father and if I had an opportunity, I would choose him again as my dad. May he rest in peace…..

I am broken and saddened.

But, I know this; I could not get by these days, this agony, the loss of my dad without my family; each one of them mended the broken bricks in my heart. I am forever grateful.

There are many things to be said, many things to be remembered. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t. Perhaps they should remain sacred.

The truth is death of a loved one changes you, makes you realize and experience new things, new feelings, new thoughts. Nothing and no one can prepare one to the grief of such a loss.

I found some more relief (in addition to the support of my family) by reading about death and grieving. I now have 5 books that remind me that I am not the only who grieves after a loved one; that death is a natural part of our lives; that everyone goes thru it and the grief individually and uniquely. For some reason, reading and contemplating in these gives me peace and helps with my sadness.

I did not want to see anyone when I heard the news for 4 days, except my family. I simply faced my emotions. They were raw… But I sincerely think that this was the wisest thing I have ever done. I know myself; I could as well choose to suppress my feelings, deny everything, and keep busy with work or otherwise distract myself. I am glad I have not. Allowing myself to feel my loss and going thru the initial steps of grief was wise. I feel like I am coming back to my life, however slowly or broken-hearted I am.

I also wonder why we hardly talk about death and why we do not have a healthy grieving culture…..

Losing my dad was the first major loss in my life. There will be many more as nature dictates. I too will die one day. Will I take them easier after my dad’s death?

I guess I will write more about grief in the coming days…

 

 

silence

poem

——————————-

today I dreamt about you;

we were together again, walking

on the streets of the city we love

chatting formally and distant first, and then

bursting into laughter for no reason

we were what we were years ago;

no matter how distant now our hearts are

we were close once we were together

nothing much changed…. nothing much differed…

your voice, look, and smile decidedly

and still was exciting and ineradicable

yet, reality struck once the abrupt silence arrived

the closer we were, the more clear it was

none of these was true….none of these mattered……

——————————-

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my best friend

My best friend called half an hour to tell me she lost her father yesterday. She was just flying to see her dad.

I could not know what to say… What should I have said? Words remain meaningless.

I beat myself for not seeing her news at a social media site. I attended a public symposium this evening and came back home late. Even though I browsed the site, I had not noticed the sad news….. Missed it terribly.

I should have been the one to call my friend.

Things not always flow in the expected directions.

May my best friend find the strength to go through her loss and may her dad rest in peace.

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