Yes to life: my life – the life as I interpret it

It had never really occurred to me why I have chosen such a name for my blog. I could use my name, something that was important or fun for me, or something related to then-focus of my writing, which was poetry.

Just yesterday night it came to me that the life I define as “my life” was a part of life, and more importantly, it was a part of life I keep define based on my “interpretations of what was going on in it”.

This was quite strange, because it told me pretty much what every wise person/book was saying – I make what my life is and I am responsible for it. It also said that I was in control of it, I could change and make it better with an intention and a switch in my perspective.

How does this sound?

………………………………..

Having control over my life is very liberating and empowering. It means I am not the victim, but rather the boss and mastermind of my life. I may not change what I do not like, but I sure can change how I interpret or care for them.

Having control also means that I may have so far limited my opportunities unknowingly because I draw the line for what I accept in my life, what I care for, and what I do not have.

What if I choose to have more positive light in my life?

What if I want to take steps to get out of my comfort zone and move up and farther?

What if I want to take more risks and dramatically change things like the work I have, the city I live in, or the way I spend my days?

What if I explore and find out what is more important to me – my current life and the current/future financial stability or moving back to where my family and spending time with them?

What if I leave my fears out of the door and open space for more love, hope, opportunity, and joy?

What is I accept the miracles, self-love, kindness, and being in the moment?

………..

Earth would not shatter, but my life could certainly expand.

I could both change the way I interpret things already in my life and reach out to opportunities, miracles, money, success, recognition, wellness, and happiness available out there further away from the circle I have drawn for my life.

I can be courageous enough to re-evaluate my perspective and expand the circle of life around me with a clear intention, a child’s amusing and hopeful attitude, and a little bit effort.

I do not know what these mean for me or whether or when I would start taking the steps. But I am glad that at this middle age of my life, I finally understand myself, my life, and life as a whole better.

It is mine and I draw the lines. I can change these starting now.

Happy Cardcaptor Sakura GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

————————————————

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/kawaii-flowers-INlJUYclnafdu

 

 

 

Life has shown goodness to me nowadays

You know that I am going through and stressful patch in relation to my work in the last one month. There is too much to be done and too much emotions and exhaustion to deal with. But there has been great things as well, which I should acknowledge.

One of the things about my profession is to be recognized by others in my field as an expert. I have had three invitations in the last one month as an expert. One of them from a national organization that I have not worked with in the past. Another one is an international organization that I had interacted with last year. And the third one I have just got an invitation from is the biggest organization of its kind in Canada. All of these organizations coming up with my name and their trust in my professional abilities made me feel really good about myself; I have national and international recognition after all 🙂

These invitations not only strengthen my own confidence and self-appreciation, but also help me show my own organization that I am a recognized expert. This increase my chances of being respected here.

It is funny that I have had many such recognition in the past and my organization never made a good remark about these. This is strange, but as day goes on, my list is increasing and so does my case to present myself to my own organization. Lovely 🙂

These invitations require me to set up time and evaluate important reports. I am usually good about this and am looking forward to doing good job and writing great evaluation reports. At a time that I have been looking for ways to expand my credentials and move into the directions that will be good to me and where I would perform my best, these additional work only makes me happy and trusting the magical way of life in helping me move forward.

As a high level administrator told me a couple of days ago “when there is a challenge, there is the opportunity“.

I know that well now.

Matrix GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

——————————-

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/matrix-heavy-recognition-ChkynEc2Y0f5e

 

 

 

 

impulses, mistakes, choices, and life as it is

Like many of us, I made mistakes that shaped the rest of my life for the worse (that is how I interpret them anyhow) upon wishes and desires of my heart, but not of my mind.

I had felt I was suffering anyhow, so the alternative (a.k.a. the mistake) would be equally hurting. So, what the heck? At least I would feel alive; pulsing with life, hope, excitement, and happiness.

And I had 🙂

Yet, I was not the same after a while, somethings were inherently gone, and I missed them. So, that is why I interpreted them as “mistakes”, as there was no opportunity to go back in time and get again what I had had.

I then decided that mindful choices were better than the desires of my heart, safety more than excitement and impulses. Love was out of question, so was taking risks. I become conservative in my look to life and I would rather have a structured/safe life where I would have peace of mind. I also went through financial hardship – being fired twice in a year (even though I found jobs right away and did not even have one day out of pay check) and knowing how valuable a dollar can be (could buy 1.5 cans of beans for a buck those days), I also prioritized financial security as a result..

Now, I have got all of these; a great job with a great salary and benefits in a safe city. Arse boring life, but safe, well structured, and financially secure. 

Do I feel accomplished?

————–

How do I feel really?

————–

I feel like I want to quit this job and find the true desire of my heart again.

Take risks, move somewhere, meet with new people, and have spontaneity and curiosity about life.

Be open to excitement in seeing new faces, new cities, new cultures, and new experiences.

I want to rediscover myself and the course of my evolution…..

But, I will not take an active step and write that resignation letter.

Not yet.

I will know when it is the time to get out of this, and explore and bloom with excitement.

I will know……

I gotta trust that.

Freedom at last.

One day.

I will be waiting.

One day.

 

Day GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

gif by:http://giphy.com/gifs/toDTI7AAIG6uQ

economy, job security, and life choices

The economy does not look good where I am and there are talks about cuts coming quite soon so that our province can start paying our huge debt down. Of course as one of the government-backed institutions, my workplace is at risk too and things, to tell you the truth, do not look good for us, my colleagues, or my institution.

When there is little money/resources, the demand is higher. And money is so essential for everyone that it just makes the cuts and the fierce demands to relocate the cuts from one place to other, escalating quite fast. I was looking at the news and looks like my institution in so many ways seems like the one that will get some cuts. The end results will not be nice.

The fact that we are working in a small place and trying to reach and deliver a national or worldwide standard in our workplace does not come easy. We are often understaffed, our resources are limited, and these mean there is quite a pressure to overwork to get to the expected results/deliverables. Our salaries are also less than our peers in many other provinces. But when you look at the numbers and compare our salaries with other workers in the province, many people think that we are over-paid and that is unfair. As a result, many people now demand for cuts.

I do not blame people for wanting to cut unnecessary expenses (which I believe should BE done), but I really do not understand why it is the salaries (unless unjustifiably high) that gets the most reaction. I am making a decent salary but have been working very hard to do what I am doing. I know when compared to other institutions, our salary and benefits are not as good. Yet, here I am trying to make the best out of my capabilities, skills, and the limited resources I have access to. I try hard and I work hard. But then many people do these, too….

Honestly, I am scared of the cuts and the future of the economy. I am scared of having less and less in the future while the demand and pressure for work increases. I am scared that they will start laying off people, who were hard to get here at the first place. I am scared that the quality of work done will reduce substantially. But I am not that scared if they lay me off with a big fat cheque or severance pay (lets say a net pay of my 10 years of salary or something. Right – I am dreaming). As a matter of fact, if my institution agrees to give me a nice sum of money and possibly a small pension plan at my retirement age, I thought for a minute that I would be the first one to volunteer for it.

Why?

I am already fed up with the lack of opportunities and excitement here, presence of discriminatory behavior, and naturally I am longing for a better life. I am not sure whether I can make it better in my next city/work place, but honestly that could be an opportunity to have a new, better life nevertheless. I so far remained because of the job stability I have had and the pleasure I got out of my job. Overall, things have been fine, not great, but fine.

I do not wish hardship for anyone with their life, especially with their finances. It is not my fault that the economy is unstable and all of a sudden my province accumulated a lot of debt. It is also not my fault that I have not completely loved where I am. but if there will be a hardship on me because of the budget cuts and increased pressure, I would rather see it as an opportunity if I can also get something nice out of it, like a financial compensation. Without the compensation, though, it would significantly derail my life, especially financially.

So I better be careful with what I wish for. I would and do prefer financial and job security over excitement in the future. Just like what I have done so far in the last 6-7 years. So, I wish the cuts will not lead to lay offs and significant cuts in our salaries and benefits. I wish we all can pull this off somehow. I wish a better judgment could be made as what was unnecessary or necessary and the budget cuts could be placed fairly and appropriately. I wish nobody would lose their ability to put a shelter over their head, meal on their tables, food in their stomach, and most importantly their hope for their lives and future.

I had not realized how important the economy was until today.

 

a change is an opportunity to change something else

You know I will have a couple of trips this month, which really excites me.

Mostly because I love traveling, seeing other places, and people. Leaving things behind, even for a short term, is a great freedom and the fact that I will also break my overly-routine daily life, I have extra bonuses that add up to my excitement 🙂

Breaking the routine is a great thing as doing the same things, eating the same food, going to the same places for coffee, like a robot every single day is such a boring thing. Do not get me wrong, it is also very useful as it makes life organized and going on smoothly. Finding a balance between the usefulness and boredom is what the challenge is. I have good efforts to break my routine, which I am determined to continue 🙂

Anyways; there is one or two things I would like to remove from my daily life (unhealthy and unnecessarily expensive habits). I have been thinking about them, planning and putting in effort for some time, yet I was not so far able to fully get rid of them. I have confidence that I am capable of doing these changes, but I always find an excuse not to and it is tiring really.

So, I am trying to make my mind, get really determined to make these changes at the same time with my trips; I believe the change of environment and daily routine will help me forget my routine here (that also contains these habits) when I come back. So, this may be in fact a great opportunity for me to achieve these changes.

While logically I fully agree that this can work and it is for my best interests, I am emotionally still hesitant. I feel like I need to focus more on this, write and think about it so that I can really implement these changes. In other words, I feel the need to convince myself further.

Wish me luck in this journey 🙂

healthy life – style journal, Sept 24, 2015

Today yours truly did an excellent job and walked to the office from home in the morning!

I was not really in the mood, but then the weather was so nice, and the sky was clear and shiny. Because of the morning walk yesterday, it was in my mind anyhow, so I could not resist the idea. And I made it 🙂

I am very excited about this – I guess not only walking but in fact enjoying is the key; I enjoyed walking yesterday morning (from a meeting venue to my office) and walking today (from home to office).

I wish to continue. There are a couple of things to consider:

  1. from my previous experience of implementing changes, I know that at the beginning I will mental judo each morning to decide on walking. I can find excuses, I can say it is cold, I can say I am tired already (it is not unusual for me to get frustrated with myself and vent here – so never mind 🙂 ). But eventually it will click and form an habit so that I will do it automatically.
  2. I am worried about the weather. It is not fun walking when it is raining and I should be okay with taking the bus then. The same thing in the winter when the sidewalks are icy – it is safer not to walk then. I should be mentally okay with not walking at those times. So based on the past years patterns, I am assuming I should be able to walk in the morning up to 70% of the cases till January. This is not bad at all. After that, it all depends on the weather…. January-March is usually the winter and April-July usually rains. I will see how it goes.
  3. I may want to have extra clothes at the office in case I have an important meeting or so; 30 min walk makes me sweat a little bit. Also I may want to have extra make up material at the office in case slight rain or sweat washed my makeup. Good plan 🙂

Anyways, let’s hope the coming days I will keep walking in the morning, too. With the walk in the afternoon (which I was pretty consistent except it rained too much or it was exceptionally cold/icy outside), that means I will be walking a total of 1 hr every work day. Yay! 🙂

Breakfast: I forgot to have my breakfast again!! where am I going with this I do not know. I should find practical ways to implement it. Maybe I should start having it at home. Or place the lunch box in front of the door so that I can remember it. Coffee with creamer and brown sugar as the only breakfast today (do they count as breakfast? I do not think so….).

On the positive side, I contemplated about buying tea biscuits or another junk food in the morning, but then decided against it – that is a good sign 🙂

Lunch: peanuts and a can of fish.

Dinner (updated later): 3 pieces of oven-baked fish (from yesterday), 1 slice of 12 grain bread, 1 apple. I am not done yet; I am still hungry. I am not sure whether I would get an omelet or a large salad.

Update: 3 hard-boiled eggs with a dash of olive oil, 3 slices of 12 grain bread. I probably did not do good eating that many slices of bread – my skin got itchy; I am thinking – is my body reacting to this type of bread (allergic reaction)? Maybe. On a separate note I am happy about my consumption of olive oil (we all need healthy oils) and the eggs. These additions helped me not to drop my calories below 1,200 cal/day limit (less than that creates a starvation mode in the body, stimulating fat storage).

Late night snack (added later): 100 grms of trailer mix.

Exercise: 30 min walking in the morning and 30 min walking in the afternoon (Yay!)

Calcium and Vit D  supplements (added later): 1 pill today. I need to bring them to my office to take a pill after the lunch.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: