Random thoughts

Happy Saturday, folks – I hope all is well, safe, and enjoying today.

I have not been blogging as much as I want, but I hope to write more in the coming days. The more I write, the more I understand. The more I understand, the better I get. Life also gets more exciting 🙂

Anyways.

My antidepressant dosage is working and I feel great again. That is, my friends, priceless.

My work performance eventually got to the level prior to my mom’s passing in Fall 2021. I am quite satisfied with that. Being content with oneself is important, isn’t it? One more thing to be grateful of.

Spring is around the corner. We have more and more bright sky-days that give me hope and energy. I must say though that I will miss snow and cool weather. It was great to walk on snow and breathe in cool weather. It does soothe my nerves. How about you? I know many people who would not like Winter. That is okay, my friends, as long as we like something about some weather/season.

I got my taxes done a few weeks ago, and for the first time in my life, I got a good return that I did not expect. So, I was naturally happy, but also feel feared, feeling like maybe we missed something during the filing process (I hope not). I used the return to make a mortgage pre-payment and then to complete paying off my Home Buyers Plan (Canadian folks would know this – it is basically an interest free loan from my own RRSP, an investment tool for retirement). This means folks, I have only my mortgage left to pay off to own my house.

Unless something catastrophic happens, I plan to pay off my mortgage at the end of the term this Fall. I will use a part of my TFSA investments to complete it. I am excited about this. I am VERY excited about this. It is too early to get happy about this, but I think of the times that I first purchased my home and how financially it changed my life. I was not abundant and feeling rich anymore. I rather felt like unless I took charge of my spendings, I could end of being in more debt than the mortgage. So drastic cuts followed, and I am glad, it did. Now, I have a life long habit of being resourceful and abundant while also protecting my money and maximizing its value.

My foster cat Mona is still with me and I could not be happier. Everyday with her is a blessing. She truly heals me. Mentally, emotionally. May she have a great, long, happy, and healthy life free of suffering, dirty litter boxes, and cruel people around.

Well, these are what I have got at the time being. You all stay well and safe, my friends. Talk to you next time 🙂

on getting pissed, caring and non-caring, forgiving, and not giving a rat’s nose

I have been organizing a professional event in the last while. The amount of time and nerves I spend on it is HUGE. I mean, really huge. Only someone like me who is interested in, determined to deliver, and not giving up easily can go through this without throwing the idea out of the window. Or, a few people. Well, come to think about it, getting rid of the idea is much better and suitable to my character….

Anyways.

You have got the idea that I was furious at one point.

This was because three people have tried to treat me like a door mat along the way. One of them repeatedly showed rudeness including throwing documents almost to my face; another one jokingly said that they will sue me if one of the pieces we work together on was not selected (or something like that), and yet another one decided to change a part of the event without asking me and yelled at me when I asked about it and objected to their plans that somehow put me at risk as the organizer of the event.

In all cases, I did something I am proud and surprised of, and showed reactions in a logical and cool way. In two out of three cases, I have got an apology. Not that this meant anything – it did not. Anyways. In all cases I did see that I can stand up for myself if the situation arises (honestly I do not get to experience this kind of shit and mistreatment often). But most importantly, this is how one loses respect for others.

I do not care about these people anymore, not more than just any other human being (they used to be close/respected colleagues).

Next time, I am sure I will be less willing to listen to them or speak to them.

I really do not care about their behavior and their problem.

I move on with my chin naturally lifted up without any effort….. (this is beautiful).

I just wished they did not go around and identify yet another good soul to mistreat.

———————————————————————————————————-

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/editingandlayout-118BgDvP27VbSo;https://giphy.com/gifs/flowers-spring-6vg3kRY0Jk3Go

Saturday morning musings

  Life is good, my friends 🙂

It is a quite and peaceful morning with lots of sunshine and beautiful music at the background.

 

 

Since I have got up quite early, the usual cleaning the house chore is done and breakfast has been enjoyed.

The extra cup of coffee, of course, is next to me and provides me the much appreciated feeling of “joy”.

I cannot complain about life or my life right now – what a blessing 🙂

—————————————————————

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/sun-sunshine-vadsqiBwAM18c;https://giphy.com/gifs/3jVT4U5bilspG;https://giphy.com/gifs/sdcc2016-3o7TKMbBAvoTfmlqsU

 

crushing desktops and all

here I am again!! 🙂

I have been away for some time – almost two months.

I first went to a family visit, which was amazing. I did not use internet much at that time, which was amazing by the way (no more work-related stress while being with family and de-stressing).

Then my desktop died on me. Argh. The poor thing was only 3 years old, but just like that the entire thing just shut down. I went to a tech service. There was nothing to be done….. Okay. I said, I will order a new one. And I have and it is just installed and ready to use 🙂

I have missed blogging and being connected to all of you! I cannot wait to scroll down and read the posts. I must say the last few months have been interesting and having no computer at home was more interesting than ever, but I also need to say that I enjoyed it very much. I was able to watch TV and read books, and contemplate. It was peaceful and I think that is because I was forced to not work at home. I want to limit my computer use at home. We will see how that goes 🙂

Happy summer and August everyone! Hope everything is going well with you!

What a day….

I was emotionally quite drained yesterday and found myself sleeping at around 7 pm. I slept around 12 hours and in the morning, I felt quite better.

I had quite a dream yesterday night. One of those dreams where you want to move in a certain way but you cannot. Everything I hanged on to to get up from the floor turned to something else and absolutely useless, and I was making an extraordinary effort to even move my arm holding on to that something….I was so focused on moving my arm and getting up in my dream that I did not even notice, talk, or support the person (a family member so dear to my heart) who was next to me in my dream.

There are many messages in this dream, I found quite reflective of my mental state and life/work struggles. I neglect the people most important to me (family), I find myself in constant struggle to even go through the simplest tasks (but I keep going despite everything and persistently try, which makes me admire my energy and determinism), and I am disappointed by the resources or opportunities available to me (or, I feel like nothing or noone supports me or they are not what I think they are).

What a dream.

I know that this dream is a work of my subconsciousness that is in a healing process. I believe it made my mental state better.

The whole day, I felt remarkably calm.

I knew that I must have changed things.

I knew that I was resisting to many things or changes.

And now I know that sometimes failure, the one thing that I am so afraid of, is actually needed. Sometimes, my friends, things do not go the way we wish them and there must be a stop point in resisting to let go or change the directions of our lives. if we cannot make this decision, then the failure makes us realize that we came to an end. Failure, in such a case, is a blessing, as it stops you from moving in the wrong direction.

I think it is time that I gracefully accept the failure. This feels safe and surprisingly good.

This does not mean that I let go of my current efforts to produce ideas and hard work. It means that I am kind of unattached to all my plans and wishes right now, and I have stopped beating myself about the possibility of current or future issues, problems, or unsuccessful work.

This is a relief.

I am not naive enough to think that all my issues are resolved or this mental clarity is permanent. But I am not afraid at this moment of issues or their effects on me. I may get up tomorrow feeling anxious and extremely caring about every single plan or wish of mine, but right now, I will soak in this peaceful feeling.

————————————————-

I made my appointment with a psychologist yesterday. I resisted this idea for a decade or two. Maybe this is what is giving me these feelings of letting go. I am not sure. But I want to feel good and gain my composition, strength, and happiness again. I want to see and think more clearly.

Life is interesting. It teaches you everything you need, whether or not you want it is not relevant. It fixes you.

—————————————-

In the mean time, I started to eat better – I ate some carrots at noon and cooked a meal for dinner. I ate healthy stuff. I took my time to cook for myself. I walked a bit during the day. I considered cutting coffee a little bit – from 6 cups to 3 cups maybe. I did my back exercises – not fully, but at least I recognize that if I do them, my healing will be speedier. I made a conscious choice of not filling my mind with worry about a problematic report that I expect to get tomorrow. I decided to smile more today and being a more pleasant and positive person – and it went well. I decided to not listen to music or TV shows late at night and rather focus on reflecting on the moment.

I decided to write these here so that I can document the reality.

Which I hope will change in a better way starting soon.

joy journal – August 28, 2016

joy 🙂

happiness 🙂

peace 🙂

I am feeling very good today and one of the things that can increase that feeling is to be able to remember and contemplate on things/people/experiences that have been giving me joy, comfort, happiness, and peace. So, here they are:

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and waking up feeling peaceful

2. I am grateful for buying myself a cup of nice coffee and not eating muffin or bagels (I wanted to, though… 🙂 )

3. I am grateful for finding the receipts for the items that I had bought a while ago, which were not  needed anymore (and were not used, either). I have done this a couple of times lately; not that I like the extra effort to return stuff, but it is just awesome to be able to get rid of extra stuff from home and also get the money paid back. Win-win!

4. I am grateful for taking the bus to the stores and back. I am glad that I did not need to wait long for the bus today – I feel lucky 🙂

5. I am grateful for speaking with my family 🙂

6. I am grateful for putting some items for sale online. I am not asking for a lot of money and I hope that the items will be gone soon. Guess what I am planning to do with the money? Donate it to the animal shelter! 🙂 What a great cause, what a great happiness!!

7. I am grateful for eating well today

8. I am grateful for baking yet another steel-like sourdough loaf 🙂 I must pay more attention to the critical points of baking, rather than improvising I guess. I sure will try to eat it, and if not, turn it into croutons 🙂

9. I am grateful for preparing another batch of frozen green beans with tomato. Green beans and tomato were incredibly cheap this week and I could not help but think about freezing them. I feel very content and excited about this food freezing practice (which I started only lately). In my freezer in addition to the green beans, I have blanched carrots, zucchini, bone broth,and bread all prepared by myself. I am loving this no food waste and preserve food adventure of mine 🙂 I feel so able and so abundant!

10. I am grateful for stretching my body and getting some relief from it

11. I am grateful for getting a second hand pantry today! Boy, I have been meaning to get one for sometime and this one looks like a good fit. It is a little bit taller than what I ideally would like to have (to fit a corner in my laundry room), but I decided I could make some arrangements and still make use of it. I needed storage space to store some items here and there (like the laundry detergents that lie on the floor) and this pantry looks just fine to me. The couple brought it right to my home and I guess it was a great deal. Exciting! 🙂

12. I am grateful for relaxing whole day without stressing about anything. I realized, thanks to a couple of weeks lately that were stressful and emotional, that I usually feel quite good…. What a blessing

13. I am grateful for all the food I have in my fridge, pantry, and freezer. I am abundant:)

14. I am grateful for having the night to myself and enjoying it so far

15. I am grateful for my family, friends, job, salary, benefits, insurance, bank, house, all the furniture and services (cable, phone, internet etc.), bus service, neighbours, colleagues, food, clothes, and many others in my life that make my life fun, safe, healthy, and lovable.

16. I am grateful for being grateful!

🙂

 

 

grief…

I did not know much about grief till my dad died last week. It is strange; it is painful; and it is a lonely journey.

When I say lonely, it does not mean I needed to go thru my days alone. I meant I needed to face, experience, process, and feel it all by myself. Like many of us I guess. It is a personal and unique experience. I do not know whether this is a survival instinct or not, but I think everybody going thru grief may know what is best for them to help go thru it. I hope you all will find these tools when you need them…

My this experience with grief was something that I found interesting. Without thinking, planning, or resisting, I just let it surround me, felt the emotions, and supported myself (and others) as much as I could. I did not work. I did not go to work, though I had to check my emails and involve in some minor urgent matters (I am still resentful about these….I am still resentful that people required my attention during this time… I am still resentful that I did not say no – you should wait…I am resentful about work and all the neglect I have done for it…. ).

In my case, being alone and not communicating with people other than my immediate family helped quite a bit. After all, I felt like words were only words and would not diminish my loss at all. In contrast, I thought they were driving me crazy…Only after a couple of days, words, especially the good wishes and good memories of my dad started to make sense. As a matter of fact, I craved for them. I still do.. Remembering my dad with love and cherishment became a priority for me. These give me peace.

The circumstances around the death my dad also help my grieving process. He had a long life (he was 88), the majority of his life he was healthy, he lived his life in a way that he wanted, he was proud of his children and knew they were okay; and he had great care prior to his death. He did not suffer too much at the end of his life. The last day of his life was great and meaningful. He, I thought, left this world with dignity, without letting life make him suffer any further or any more hurting. Before he became more incapacitated. He was buried by his children (except me; I could not go) and many of his friends were present in his ceremony. Right before his death, we all had become a family, loving, caring, forgiving, and forgiven. I think he died knowing this, which is the most important thing for me.

I do not know whether writing and reading have always been my tools that help me analyze and contemplate (come to think about it; I guess that is correct), but I found reading and writing about grief, death, and my dad very therapeutic….

I wrote my inner conversations with my dad in a long letter that is getting longer each time I write on it…. When I read it time to time, I can see my feelings and all the realizations and sorrow I have gone through. I also see the love I have for him… During one of this readings I had realized that I would have never wished for another person as my dad; if I had an opportunity to have a dad again, he would be the one I wanted. Feeling and knowing this in such a deep sorrow have been incredibly healing….

Why reading about death and grief? To face them. In order to make sure I was not hiding, ignoring, or running away from them. To take the feelings, however saddening they may be, as they were. To live these moments in an authentic way. And most importantly, to fully and openly connect with my dad’s memory…

I may mention about the books I have read in a later post, but I want to say you this; grief and coping with a loss is an individual journey.. The books usually mention about several stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance)… i did not go thru these yet, certainly not in this order. I did not deny my dad’s death for example. I am not bargaining. I am not fully depressed…I am not feeling anger towards him, life, or anyone else. I am just saddened that we could have better memories, more time spent together, and I could care for him more and better…even though I know we all did our best during our lives and with our interactions, I naturally have regrets…. i also know that these do not matter now (i.e. there is nothing I can do to reverse the time) and I can rather focus on all the good memories and all the goodness and peace surrounding his death.

That also means that I have learnt about others’ experiences with death and loss by reading. I am not interested in comparison of pains or the effects the losses put on us; after all everybody has their own memories, their wishes, their regrets, their circumstances, and their emotions to deal with. But I have seen that there were losses that if happened to my dad would have made my grief journey much more painful;  a long-lasting and incapacitating disease for example. Death at a young age… These give me some kind of peace… Maybe I am being selfish or something… Please forgive me if you have experienced such losses and my experience sounds like a selfishly better or less painful one….. No loss is better than the other; but I hope they all have somethings attached to them that give some sense of peace, some sense of serenity….However different they may be for each one of us.

I miss my dad and I love him dearly. May he rest in peace for ever.

random thoughts

There is so much problem, violence, war/conflict, and pain in the world that sometimes these feelings override the joy I have in my life.

We have the right to feel good about ourselves and our lives – yet this is so much dependent on others’ feeling and lives.

If you can be happy for someone else and if you can cry for someone else, then you know what I mean. The more we care, the more heavily we feel their emotions.

Depression comes so easily when negative things happen. Should I feel bad about myself if I try to keep myself up in the presence of all the depressing news and experiences? When I am safe and sound? When I have what others need most? When I have the energy to keep going? I have no answer to these.

I am so looking forward to a world where all is safe and conflicts are resolved by working on them rather than by guns, suppression, violence, or humiliation; when one’s interest did not mean to hurt, eliminate, or suppress the other’s; when we all realize whatever happens to someone else somehow affects us, whether positive or negative.

Peace.

joy journal – Sept 20, 2015

joy…happiness… peace… joy…

I have no entry in this journal in the last few weeks – time to spill all the joy 🙂

1. I am grateful for getting up on time this morning – I was tired from yesterday but I did not sleep late. Good job 🙂

2. I am grateful for walking at the Terry Fox Run with my colleagues; we not only raised funds to help cancer research but also socialized and burned energy :).

3. I am grateful that I found a chance to extra walk today; the Terry Fox Run venue was 25 min away from my home, which I walked to and from. I am glad the weather was permissive (e.g. not raining) and I was not lazy or tired; so I could do all the walking 🙂

4. I am grateful that I saw myself walking at a pace that I used to 5-10 years ago; would that mean I am not that old after all! 🙂 I loved that feeling; walking, sweating, but not panting or running out of breath. Just like the old times! My body does an amazing job 🙂

5. I am grateful for checking a grocery store on the way back. It is one of the big stores. I used to shop there and then winter hit and I forgot to visit it. I made a mental note that it is a great store that I should check time to time. Walking to and from will be extra exercise, too 🙂

6. I am grateful for finding red cabbage in the store. Yuppi!!!… I have been craving for it for weeks now. I love red cabbage as a salad material! I bought 2 small ones (I must go back to that store time to time!)

7. I am grateful for talking to my family today – what would I do without them?

8. I am grateful for working on my computer and moving up with an important document. I still need to work on it, but tomorrow before noon I will have time to do so. Then I can submit it for review.

9. I am grateful that instead of working whole afternoon and night, I decided to take a break. the last few days I just has been running from one task to other. Stress is negatively affecting me. It is better that I take time for myself to recharge.

10. I am grateful for liking my work I did yesterday with the deck. Yep, the new stain is much lighter in color and the entire deck looks patchy; but hey I hopefully will finish it next week (right before the rain/winter) 🙂

11. I am grateful for, on the average, eating better. I think it has been 2-3 weeks now I did not eat bagels at my regular weekend breakfasts… what a change… I never thought I could do this, but looks like when the right time comes, it does happen.. Wishing this will extend to my other not-so-good habits soon 🙂

12. I am grateful for my home, power, TV, cable connection, computer, phone, and all the furniture, food, and items in it that make my life safe, comfortable, and delightful.

13. I am grateful for the soup I made this afternoon – warm and nourishing.

14. I am grateful for my plans for the next weekend! Yep; the week will be too rush-rush (too many stuff to take care), but the weekend I sure will take time to relax. I first will go get some more stain to finish the deck, will do shopping at a nearby more affordable store, visit two thrifty stores for anything interesting (not that I am planning to buy stuff unless they are great; but I so enjoy going thru stuff at those stores. Not sure why I do not have the same pleasure from going around other, regular stores. Could it be because I know that I can afford many of the nice stuff at the thrifty stores? Or is it because these stores have many interesting items from many different trends/seasons, but not necessarily only from the latest trends like other stores?)

15. I am grateful for being grateful 🙂

arguments and relationships

Arguments can either kill the trust, rapport, or the love between two people or it may strengthen them.

I am of open and sincere communication as much as the other party allows. Let’s face it, not everybody opens up well enough. Understanding each other is essential in relationships but it can be quite limited because of un-openness leading to misunderstandings, not clarifying issues/meanings, and conflicting or changing priorities, life events, or feelings. Or just to protect ourselves.

Arguments sometimes is inevitable when the misunderstandings stack up tall or our feelings are hurt for some other reason. At those times, it is difficult to erase the ego or the agitation and to focus on understanding the opposite person and to express ourselves. Sometimes, though both listening the other person and communicating ourselves can help to open up, clear the air, and resolve the issues.

More importantly, we can understand ourselves better in such situations; are we constructive? are we confidently present our case and stand by our opinions/values/actions? Do we have dignity and respect? Do we have confidence and determination to stand tall if the other person is at fault?

Have you ever noticed and liked your behaviour/attitude after an argument, whether it turned out to be resolving argument or not? then you know what I mean.

Have you understood the other person better and realized what might have gone wrong in  your relationship? then again you know what I mean.

being peaceful, kind, and respectful while also being confident and expressive works well sometime. There are two people in the argument, in the relationship. All go both ways.

peace and cheers

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.

Some relationships (friends, co-workers, or romantic ones) in life are not supposed to last; yet some survive; maybe we need them for some reason, or there is no urgent need to discard, or some other reasons I cannot think right now.

But when the time comes to stop that relationship, kindness and positivity/neutrality is always better than having arguments or cutting the ties with no real conversation or understanding. Respect for being fellow human beings, kindness and having good wishes for each other is a way better situation than other alternatives. (Of course, if these feelings are possible – when for example somebody is constantly hurting you, I do not think there is a need for this extra effort).

There is no room for unnecessary resentments or hard feelings. Life is short and precious. Positive or neutral feelings/memories are better than negative ones. We can try and be at peace with ourselves and maybe with the other person.

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.