COVID-19 (April 3)

Friday.

Yay….

The day started early, which is awesome. I worked a few hours and then spent the afternoon on a 4 hours remote meeting.  4 hours…

I walked twice today. In one of these walks my roads crossed with an aggressive big doggy. I screamed in horror when he came literally a centimeter away me and showed me his teeth. He was weird. He seemed to be very friendly. Maybe he was playing – I don’t know. But it was very scary. Luckily he run away for an unknown reason. I was sure that he was going to sink his teeth on me. I am lucky…

I am also lucky as there are friends that check on me. One just emailed. How wonderful is this?

🙂

It has been 2 weeks that I have been mostly working from home.

While I had decided to do grocery shopping every two weeks, I decided that I better do one big shopping tomorrow. I just heard a grocery store being closed because an employee was diagnosed with COVID-19. If something like this happens to my store, my chances of acquiring grocery significantly reduce (I have no car..).

So tomorrow morning first thing first, I want to grab my shopping cart and purchase as much food as I can. I am not gonna hoard, but will get a significant amount of dry/canned food. I must do this.

 

Stay safe and be kind

First to yourself, and then the others

Give someone in need a hand

Smile at least

 

🙂

That turned out to be fine,  “pandemic poem” 🙂

unhappiness

poem

——————

sometimes we must accept that

we do not have all the answers

and we cannot get everyone’s circumstances

in these cases;

empathy has the softest voice

and silence has the sweetest tune……

—————-

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PS: the interesting thing is that I wrote these words in anger as a response to a comment on one of my posts about unhappiness. I hardly get upset about the comments on my posts, yet in this case I had taken the comment as “blaming” me for my unhappiness, which is ridiculous. Nobody wants or plans to be unhappy. Right?

Right.

Cheers! 🙂

The Dream of Athena

poem

——————

You will come;

we will see each other again

I will look absolutely stunning

with my red lipstick and smile

and my hat will fit me this time

you will take pictures of me

with your phone

I won’t know

in a dream floating on a river

with eyes on the sky

and heart on the sun

you will realize that this is the woman
you want to connect with
you will realize that no matter
what, she is the one that
makes you stronger
lighter
livelier
and a dreamer.

—————-

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They are there for a reason

poem

—————-

there are ties that we don’t break

they are there for a reason

maybe it is love, maybe just a flake

like appreciation or the pleasin’

 

when the time is up, the line drops

one by one in the season

maybe genuine strength maybe just luck

like the Fall sun or the healin’

 

—————-

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non passe absolution

poem

————————–

I will forgive you for all

except for giving me that clove

a decade and a half ago

and for pushing me away

many years later

by your thorns wrapped around

your tongue that dared to insult us

by separating our worlds

I really hate you for my pain

for many moments of false happiness

but most of all for making me

not being able to forgive you

until one of us dies

————————–


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abyss

I do not know darling;

all now lies in the past

maybe on a sunday morning I can get to remember

with a smile on my face and a mug of coffee in my hand

the scent reminding me your smile

that day on the shore with the sunlight caressing your face

and your hair mixing with the wind

that cute smile on your lips…

remembering that would hurt, but the day is new

even with the pain, now I can walk through

your face had a careless expression

gazing off the ocean

steady and happy like nothing mattered

I was awed and at the same time uneasy

you had mattered to me darling

but this had to stop;

knowing that there was no us

had drilled me bad

I remembered it was unfair, this thing we called life

it was as if I did not get to deserve love

the pain was careless, merciles, inevitable

and I let myself turn around and leave

the air had tasted bitter, the salt had burnt my skin

my eyes had turned red with the pain

ocean’s arms mixed with the rocks and then the dirty roads

blackened they had ruined everywhere they touched

the scent was hellish, disguised in the air

I had failed and fallen; that abyss was dark and deep

terrified yet I just kept going

with each passing second feeling the fear of crash…

it has been years now that this fall has started

I seem to have relaxed inevitably, caressed by the wind

I talk and joke with the darkness

nothing is strange, nothing is hurtful

I keep falling and falling, yet

there is some kind of careless smile on my face

that makes me awed

and you seem to be forgotten

 

—————————-

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cannot love without you

 

I was attracted to you then, and later, and now….

I do not know why

I thought about this for a long time

multiple times, in multiple lines

for some unknown reasons

you brought something out in me

each time I was with you

there was excitement, happiness, and life…

 

my thirst has amplified over time

despite knowing well that

it would never be okay between you and I

my only solution now is to forget you..

that hammers my heart darling;

I never knew why it was you

but I knew that it was you

and I cannot love without you

 

—————————-

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broken

poem

—————————

cannot cry hard enough, dad

my tears are done running

I since then been grieving

 

cannot dream anymore, dad

my inner child is hidden

now that I am regret-ridden

 

worse; cannot fly high, dad

I never will

one of my wings is broken

now that you are gone

 

—————————-

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destiny – II

poem

—————————

destiny…….

some say we must accept it

after trying hard to make it better

some say we may not escape it

so we should not react to it

some say life can turn around any minute

so we should be hopeful and patient

none, however, is the answer;

our destiny is ours

only because we could not change it

 

PS: I am not sure what is going on with this poem; a little bit conflicting, is it not?

—————————-

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tiring

poem

——————–

no words were enough;

you were gone….

slipped off my bare hands

I could not hold

I could not reach

sleeping with the darkness

numbness first, then anger

yelled at the trees

punched the rainbows

I could not help but live

and what a life it was

sticky with reminders and memories

long and so disregarding the bleeds

tiring, yet not merciful enough to kill

my breath has exhausted itself

yet I can neither die nor run away from memories

—————————————————–
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season winter

poem

——————–

 

many springs passed since last time

green and alive

and many thoughts and tears

without care

hard to imagine when this will end

this winter.. this foggy air..

I am stuck with hunger;

dreams give temporary relief

telling the regular lie

we are together like a lovely couple

I look at your eyes and see the inner boy

a 10 years old with hope and joyful

no age matters, no gray, no hair

giggling and humming the tunes

we are walking down the harbour

like no one else exists, none matters

the sky is blue and it is warm

I see the river and the city behind

it is one dream I love

—————————————————–
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the poem with two colors

poem

—————————————————–

First

all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can come through

no couple I can stand to see

I am a stranger to my own silence

cannot talk my heart out of you

tired of this defiance

I must try once again

to assault your memory

what would you say

if you knew my side of the story?

 

========================

Second

I must try once again

to insult your memory

cannot talk my heart out of you

cursed it is, hurt

it has been years

yet years did not sweep tears

how am I going to move ahead

when all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can be read

no couple I can stand to see

if you knew, what would you feel?

it has been years

for years you have occupied me

I am a stranger to my own silence

I am left with no smile, no inner stillness

 

—————————————————–
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stillborn love – II

poem

————————-

It has been years

I have had a love so young, so innocent

yet, it was stillborn..

you have left me faster than the blood

strange that hate is stronger than love

and love gives birth to hate that easily

why are you still in my thoughts?

no song, no poem is written for you

but all remind me you

I cannot stand any of these

I must be myself without you

yet without you I cannot be

 

 

——————————-
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all gone

poem
————————-
yesterday, I wanted to remember you
the way you looked, the way you felt
closed my eyes, forced myself even
no my dear, I cannot believe in
no part of my heart is yours
no part of my mind is of dreams
it’s all gone my dear, all gone
love, need, pain, and longing
no dark silences, no more agony
love ended first, now the misery
none matters, none dear
————————-
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Hardest love

poem
————————-
the hardest love is the love towards
the ones we know most
their heart that beats at fights
or upon the beauty’s sight
their mind that thinks fair
or pulls one down with tear
their hand that chokes the beasts
as it sways away the fears
the eyes that shine
when they lie
the hardest love
my friends, the hardest love
is to know all these
and love anyhow
————————-
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eyes ice blue

poem

————————-

Oh, Brienne..

why was honor your most cherished value?

standing tall, shaky but somewhat mighty

all you cared was honor, loyalty

 

underneath your toughness was perceptiveness

kindness you would know if in presence

you were gentle somehow but this was not seen

they laughed at you, this has always been

while you did not care for womanliness

boy, did you crave for acceptance

 

tough life; suffering souls kept you company

one was your enemy

Jamie, the troll that would call you

the beast, the ugliest..

he fell once and lost his pride

with that was shattered his hide

you listened, eyes ice blue

no tears, no wrinkles, no affection

you understood and he knew

 

with one arm leaning on your shoulder

his persona was geared to stride

you saved him once and then he

for no obvious reason, that is be

you two battered souls battled first

then relied upon and you both nursed

 

they say you are in love

and he is too but does not know

I saw you together, there were moments

but I realized I did not know what love is

I have been thinking since then;

there must be different types of love

different than what I know

Oh Brienne….

what have you done?

———————–

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confusion of love

poem

—————————–

I read a story yesterday
there was love as I dream it
it pained me sort of, perplexed
I recognized the love in the text
but not the one that we had
was it love, darling?
what we had;
was it love?
………………..
what was love, darling?
……………….
in my dream
or in my deem
there was no love, darling
that was not a dream
—————————–
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Wren

poem

———————

he looked in a way that
only she would understand
it was quiet and painful..
smiles were dead, silence was hurtful
pain drilled her eyes
heading low, sinking towards
all the pain
they have gone thru
this one she not knew
eye lids closed, cheeks cold
she just wished he had told
his reasons for giving up
words could have been forgotten
but silence.. no it cannot be forsaken…
she dreamed for heartlessness
whatever breath left with her
she walked away, dull and worthless
she wished he had
looked up and said
“goodbye sweetheart”
to ease her demise
no… but… no…
she turned around disbelieving
he was lying on the bed
his head turned to right
watching the wren on the window trim
as it pecked lovingly with the sun beam
———————
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silence

poem

——————————-

today I dreamt about you;

we were together again, walking

on the streets of the city we love

chatting formally and distant first, and then

bursting into laughter for no reason

we were what we were years ago;

no matter how distant now our hearts are

we were close once we were together

nothing much changed…. nothing much differed…

your voice, look, and smile decidedly

and still was exciting and ineradicable

yet, reality struck once the abrupt silence arrived

the closer we were, the more clear it was

none of these was true….none of these mattered……

——————————-

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timeless

poem

————————-

we both aged

I am not pretty anymore;

my hair turned gray

teeth stained

arms weakened

body changed

I put make up darling

to lift my spirit

I smile more darling

to radiate

all have been changing

saddening me…

I knew what aging meant

for you, for me

oh, darling….

not once you have told me

how pretty I was

that my smile warmed you

my sight delighted

my love was the light

around you

no, darling, no..

you have not, not even once

talked about aging

as if i was that 20 years old girl

you first had met

————————-

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darkness

poem

——————————————–

I feel fearful nowadays darling
lots happened; I am weakened
one by one I am hit
repeatedly I got up
scrapped by each trouble
slower over time
despite my best wishes
I am feeling vulnerable now
I fear I will give up
not because I think I cannot get up
but because I may not want to
you sure would say
when the next one comes
“resist darling, resist
get up, just show up”
I got so tired darling
remind me one last hope
I am fearful nowadays
I may give up

——————————————–

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red

red; I will miss you

your colour, even the pain you have given me

your presence said so much, so silent

for so long, so with me

I had not realized

we in fact were separate

they say you gotta go

and that is what I must accept

you were me

with me

for all these times

I know I have nothing to do to reverse this

I am glad I have lived enough to see you leave me

leave me as you please

you served me well

I will cherish your memory

I am now pink

still pulsating, still living

only without you

——————————————–

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leave me be

——————————————–

love struck I was

smiling for no reason

life was pretty

love was a must

hungry I was

for all seasons

rain did not bother

snow, hey, was just there

standing tall

feeling lively

lifelike I was

gone, gone, gone

tears came and when done

emptied I was, emptied

my heart in three pieces

sigh…………….

broken it was, broken

not once but twice

suffice it was, the price

be gone

do not remember me

or call my name

be gone, you

be gone to another love

suck its blood while you can

drain if you wish

but do not let me be

do not let me be…

leave me

leave me be

——————————————–

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my love, there was a lot of things you have not done

—————————————————

it is damn true you have not asked me out
on a date; that was all I wanted
you have not loved, cherished, or cared
made me yours, happy and elated
you have not hurt me either
or bullied me, made jokes out of me
pulled pranks or swore
my love, there was a lot of things you have not done
but some were just fine

——————————————–

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thoughts awaken by a poem – cont’d

What is it about those people we argue, get upset with, hiss to, but nevertheless care, like/love, and miss?

I have some idea, which make some sense time to time; but then none…

Sometimes I feel like arguments are a way of communication; maybe it is what is helping us to connect. Can there be a more pleasant way of communication? Certainly it may, but for some unexplained reasons, with some people that is what it is..

Maybe we get upset because we have expectations from them that remain unmet; or because whatever they do/say (or not) hurts only because we care about them a little bit more than usual and each reaction evokes some strong emotions in us (upsetting feelings, happiness, excitement, etc.). This level of emotions created by such individuals is what makes them unique to me.

So, eventually what happens? I do not know; I guess people continue like this happily and with an acceptance of each other. Or slowly disappear from each other’s lives with no farewells, no further arguments, no bad-feelings.

Or, maybe we can stand being neither with them nor without them. Maybe then it is best to end the relationship/friendship/acquaintance. But, who could blame me for missing that person years later then?

Unless I really cared then, I would not care now.

That is all I have to say.

thoughts awaken by a poem

There is a poem read by a great voice actor that I have been listening since yesterday.

It is about life; our need to be hopeful, our need to be loved, our need to never lose those we care.

This poem makes me remember the lost moments, lost self-expressions, lost opportunities, lost loves, lost hopes. What is it about the experiences in life (and people) that we cannot take then, but miss terribly later?  There are people dear to my heart but did not call for so long (negligence). There are people with whom I have sore interactions (sometimes ego; sometimes necessity – it is better this way for both sides).

Can the negligence and ego let go before any of these people are lost?

Of course they can.

Can we really make sore relationships “normal” again?

Well, that depends – it involves two people. What are their wishes?

Hard to know, but is worth trying.

self reflections on a poem re; one part of me is yours

In an earlier post, I had come up with a two-line poem:

one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else

I have since been perplexed and mesmerized by it because I am not sure whether it is the most romantic or the cheesiest thing I have ever said.

If not cheesy then, what does it mean? What is its significance? What was I thinking while writing it?

I sometime have free-writing sessions where I just type down things as they appear in my mind. That poem was a product of such a session, though I certainly had an inspiring person in my mind. So sadly, I cannot know what was going through my mind at that time.

But I contemplated about the other questions. My current interpretation is that she refers to her feelings, thoughts, care, and memories about him (or maybe just her heart) when she says “one part of me is yours”. That I would say is a romantic thing to say, though one can question why she was his only in part but not entirely. Realistically, one part is good enough. So I will leave it here.

While the first part is a simple but powerful statement, the second part is overly a clichĂ© (e.g. treasure) and an over-generalization (e.g. more than anything else), so there is a little bit of a sharp turn here. Anyhow. But I understand that she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much. Why? Just because it is his? I think that is a critical question to ask but I am not sure whether I have an answer to it yet. Additionally, she sounds overly protective of her “part”; I would say she is determined.

These being said, I need to go back to the section above; “she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much“.

Even more than him??

When I reflected on this question, I realized that the entire effort to find a meaning, a label for this poem fell apart. I realized that she does not have him. All she has of him is her “part”. This is her only connection to him; if she loses her feelings, thoughts, memories about him, she loses him. She loses her love. That is why she values it that much.

This poem is not romantic or cheesy; it is a very sad poem.

unassuming of you (#1)

—————————————————————–

no Sir,

not yet

you seem not to

have shared

the best of you

and you tell me that

I do not get you?

no Sir,

not yet

without mutual laughter

and time spent together

I can not be guilty of

unassuming of you

—————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XII

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the poem of heart

———————————————-
we all were wrong

it started as a joke
then stuck around
yet I got it serious
and I was into it
maybe it was your joy
may be your loveliness
for whatever reason there I was
waiting you

one fall evening
you gave me a flower
finally thought
you would ask me out
waiting long enough

I asked a friend
“T, do you think he likes me?”
he said with sadness

“no, he does not”
my heart sank…
we all were wrong
and I was
the last one to know
———————————————

Kate’s short story-IV

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the sincere poem

———————————————————————————–

when I was there with you
I had a glimpse of life;
it was beautiful
and exciting.
and I was plain happy.

Happiness, one I got used to too quickly.

did I love you?
I have been pondering over and over again
I cannot know the answer;
as I do not know why I loved you
before and then
but then I came to realize that
when it is just an internal monologue,
it is not love anyway.

but I loved myself when I was with you;
a happy, excited, soft, and expressive intense creature!
Boy! I loved myself then
and now when I remember!

if you are going to stay angry at me
go ahead do that
but if you think you cannot forgive me for that
you are plain wrong

Kate’s short story – II

———————————————————————————–

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