COVID-19 (April 3)

Friday.

Yay….

The day started early, which is awesome. I worked a few hours and then spent the afternoon on a 4 hours remote meeting.  4 hours…

I walked twice today. In one of these walks my roads crossed with an aggressive big doggy. I screamed in horror when he came literally a centimeter away me and showed me his teeth. He was weird. He seemed to be very friendly. Maybe he was playing – I don’t know. But it was very scary. Luckily he run away for an unknown reason. I was sure that he was going to sink his teeth on me. I am lucky…

I am also lucky as there are friends that check on me. One just emailed. How wonderful is this?

🙂

It has been 2 weeks that I have been mostly working from home.

While I had decided to do grocery shopping every two weeks, I decided that I better do one big shopping tomorrow. I just heard a grocery store being closed because an employee was diagnosed with COVID-19. If something like this happens to my store, my chances of acquiring grocery significantly reduce (I have no car..).

So tomorrow morning first thing first, I want to grab my shopping cart and purchase as much food as I can. I am not gonna hoard, but will get a significant amount of dry/canned food. I must do this.

 

Stay safe and be kind

First to yourself, and then the others

Give someone in need a hand

Smile at least

 

🙂

That turned out to be fine,  “pandemic poem” 🙂

Yes to life: my life – the life as I interpret it

It had never really occurred to me why I have chosen such a name for my blog. I could use my name, something that was important or fun for me, or something related to then-focus of my writing, which was poetry.

Just yesterday night it came to me that the life I define as “my life” was a part of life, and more importantly, it was a part of life I keep define based on my “interpretations of what was going on in it”.

This was quite strange, because it told me pretty much what every wise person/book was saying – I make what my life is and I am responsible for it. It also said that I was in control of it, I could change and make it better with an intention and a switch in my perspective.

How does this sound?

………………………………..

Having control over my life is very liberating and empowering. It means I am not the victim, but rather the boss and mastermind of my life. I may not change what I do not like, but I sure can change how I interpret or care for them.

Having control also means that I may have so far limited my opportunities unknowingly because I draw the line for what I accept in my life, what I care for, and what I do not have.

What if I choose to have more positive light in my life?

What if I want to take steps to get out of my comfort zone and move up and farther?

What if I want to take more risks and dramatically change things like the work I have, the city I live in, or the way I spend my days?

What if I explore and find out what is more important to me – my current life and the current/future financial stability or moving back to where my family and spending time with them?

What if I leave my fears out of the door and open space for more love, hope, opportunity, and joy?

What is I accept the miracles, self-love, kindness, and being in the moment?

………..

Earth would not shatter, but my life could certainly expand.

I could both change the way I interpret things already in my life and reach out to opportunities, miracles, money, success, recognition, wellness, and happiness available out there further away from the circle I have drawn for my life.

I can be courageous enough to re-evaluate my perspective and expand the circle of life around me with a clear intention, a child’s amusing and hopeful attitude, and a little bit effort.

I do not know what these mean for me or whether or when I would start taking the steps. But I am glad that at this middle age of my life, I finally understand myself, my life, and life as a whole better.

It is mine and I draw the lines. I can change these starting now.

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poetry and love

I am listening to a song from a few decades back. It is beautiful.

A part of the lyric says something like this ” do not let anyone to see you, before I do see you“. 

This kind of words affects me romantically and quite deeply. The pain and fear of losing the loved one, the innocent jealousy, the sincere admission of all of these raw feelings and only for our loved one.

Love is a great thing, my friends.

It literally gave me wings once. Joy. Zest for life. A hint of purpose. A different world. A different life. A different me.

I miss these feelings.

The only thing I could not experience was jealousy.

I have never been jealous of my loved ones. Why is that, I wonder. Was I unafraid of losing them, did I not love them, or did I just not have them at the first place?

Hard for me to know.

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unhappiness

poem

——————

sometimes we must accept that

we do not have all the answers

and we cannot get everyone’s circumstances

in these cases;

empathy has the softest voice

and silence has the sweetest tune……

—————-

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PS: the interesting thing is that I wrote these words in anger as a response to a comment on one of my posts about unhappiness. I hardly get upset about the comments on my posts, yet in this case I had taken the comment as “blaming” me for my unhappiness, which is ridiculous. Nobody wants or plans to be unhappy. Right?

Right.

Cheers! 🙂

The Dream of Athena

poem

——————

You will come;

we will see each other again

I will look absolutely stunning

with my red lipstick and smile

and my hat will fit me this time

you will take pictures of me

with your phone

I won’t know

in a dream floating on a river

with eyes on the sky

and heart on the sun

you will realize that this is the woman
you want to connect with
you will realize that no matter
what, she is the one that
makes you stronger
lighter
livelier
and a dreamer.

—————-

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They are there for a reason

poem

—————-

there are ties that we don’t break

they are there for a reason

maybe it is love, maybe just a flake

like appreciation or the pleasin’

 

when the time is up, the line drops

one by one in the season

maybe genuine strength maybe just luck

like the Fall sun or the healin’

 

—————-

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non passe absolution

poem

————————–

I will forgive you for all

except for giving me that clove

a decade and a half ago

and for pushing me away

many years later

by your thorns wrapped around

your tongue that dared to insult us

by separating our worlds

I really hate you for my pain

for many moments of false happiness

but most of all for making me

not being able to forgive you

until one of us dies

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abyss

I do not know darling;

all now lies in the past

maybe on a sunday morning I can get to remember

with a smile on my face and a mug of coffee in my hand

the scent reminding me your smile

that day on the shore with the sunlight caressing your face

and your hair mixing with the wind

that cute smile on your lips…

remembering that would hurt, but the day is new

even with the pain, now I can walk through

your face had a careless expression

gazing off the ocean

steady and happy like nothing mattered

I was awed and at the same time uneasy

you had mattered to me darling

but this had to stop;

knowing that there was no us

had drilled me bad

I remembered it was unfair, this thing we called life

it was as if I did not get to deserve love

the pain was careless, merciles, inevitable

and I let myself turn around and leave

the air had tasted bitter, the salt had burnt my skin

my eyes had turned red with the pain

ocean’s arms mixed with the rocks and then the dirty roads

blackened they had ruined everywhere they touched

the scent was hellish, disguised in the air

I had failed and fallen; that abyss was dark and deep

terrified yet I just kept going

with each passing second feeling the fear of crash…

it has been years now that this fall has started

I seem to have relaxed inevitably, caressed by the wind

I talk and joke with the darkness

nothing is strange, nothing is hurtful

I keep falling and falling, yet

there is some kind of careless smile on my face

that makes me awed

and you seem to be forgotten

 

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cannot love without you

 

I was attracted to you then, and later, and now….

I do not know why

I thought about this for a long time

multiple times, in multiple lines

for some unknown reasons

you brought something out in me

each time I was with you

there was excitement, happiness, and life…

 

my thirst has amplified over time

despite knowing well that

it would never be okay between you and I

my only solution now is to forget you..

that hammers my heart darling;

I never knew why it was you

but I knew that it was you

and I cannot love without you

 

—————————-

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broken

poem

—————————

cannot cry hard enough, dad

my tears are done running

I since then been grieving

 

cannot dream anymore, dad

my inner child is hidden

now that I am regret-ridden

 

worse; cannot fly high, dad

I never will

one of my wings is broken

now that you are gone

 

—————————-

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destiny – II

poem

—————————

destiny…….

some say we must accept it

after trying hard to make it better

some say we may not escape it

so we should not react to it

some say life can turn around any minute

so we should be hopeful and patient

none, however, is the answer;

our destiny is ours

only because we could not change it

 

PS: I am not sure what is going on with this poem; a little bit conflicting, is it not?

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tiring

poem

——————–

no words were enough;

you were gone….

slipped off my bare hands

I could not hold

I could not reach

sleeping with the darkness

numbness first, then anger

yelled at the trees

punched the rainbows

I could not help but live

and what a life it was

sticky with reminders and memories

long and so disregarding the bleeds

tiring, yet not merciful enough to kill

my breath has exhausted itself

yet I can neither die nor run away from memories

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season winter

poem

——————–

 

many springs passed since last time

green and alive

and many thoughts and tears

without care

hard to imagine when this will end

this winter.. this foggy air..

I am stuck with hunger;

dreams give temporary relief

telling the regular lie

we are together like a lovely couple

I look at your eyes and see the inner boy

a 10 years old with hope and joyful

no age matters, no gray, no hair

giggling and humming the tunes

we are walking down the harbour

like no one else exists, none matters

the sky is blue and it is warm

I see the river and the city behind

it is one dream I love

—————————————————–
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all gone

poem
————————-
yesterday, I wanted to remember you
the way you looked, the way you felt
closed my eyes, forced myself even
no my dear, I cannot believe in
no part of my heart is yours
no part of my mind is of dreams
it’s all gone my dear, all gone
love, need, pain, and longing
no dark silences, no more agony
love ended first, now the misery
none matters, none dear
————————-
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Hardest love

poem
————————-
the hardest love is the love towards
the ones we know most
their heart that beats at fights
or upon the beauty’s sight
their mind that thinks fair
or pulls one down with tear
their hand that chokes the beasts
as it sways away the fears
the eyes that shine
when they lie
the hardest love
my friends, the hardest love
is to know all these
and love anyhow
————————-
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eyes ice blue

poem

————————-

Oh, Brienne..

why was honor your most cherished value?

standing tall, shaky but somewhat mighty

all you cared was honor, loyalty

 

underneath your toughness was perceptiveness

kindness you would know if in presence

you were gentle somehow but this was not seen

they laughed at you, this has always been

while you did not care for womanliness

boy, did you crave for acceptance

 

tough life; suffering souls kept you company

one was your enemy

Jamie, the troll that would call you

the beast, the ugliest..

he fell once and lost his pride

with that was shattered his hide

you listened, eyes ice blue

no tears, no wrinkles, no affection

you understood and he knew

 

with one arm leaning on your shoulder

his persona was geared to stride

you saved him once and then he

for no obvious reason, that is be

you two battered souls battled first

then relied upon and you both nursed

 

they say you are in love

and he is too but does not know

I saw you together, there were moments

but I realized I did not know what love is

I have been thinking since then;

there must be different types of love

different than what I know

Oh Brienne….

what have you done?

———————–

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confusion of love

poem

—————————–

I read a story yesterday
there was love as I dream it
it pained me sort of, perplexed
I recognized the love in the text
but not the one that we had
was it love, darling?
what we had;
was it love?
………………..
what was love, darling?
……………….
in my dream
or in my deem
there was no love, darling
that was not a dream
—————————–
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darkness

poem

——————————————–

I feel fearful nowadays darling
lots happened; I am weakened
one by one I am hit
repeatedly I got up
scrapped by each trouble
slower over time
despite my best wishes
I am feeling vulnerable now
I fear I will give up
not because I think I cannot get up
but because I may not want to
you sure would say
when the next one comes
“resist darling, resist
get up, just show up”
I got so tired darling
remind me one last hope
I am fearful nowadays
I may give up

——————————————–

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leave me be

——————————————–

love struck I was

smiling for no reason

life was pretty

love was a must

hungry I was

for all seasons

rain did not bother

snow, hey, was just there

standing tall

feeling lively

lifelike I was

gone, gone, gone

tears came and when done

emptied I was, emptied

my heart in three pieces

sigh…………….

broken it was, broken

not once but twice

suffice it was, the price

be gone

do not remember me

or call my name

be gone, you

be gone to another love

suck its blood while you can

drain if you wish

but do not let me be

do not let me be…

leave me

leave me be

——————————————–

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my love, there was a lot of things you have not done

—————————————————

it is damn true you have not asked me out
on a date; that was all I wanted
you have not loved, cherished, or cared
made me yours, happy and elated
you have not hurt me either
or bullied me, made jokes out of me
pulled pranks or swore
my love, there was a lot of things you have not done
but some were just fine

——————————————–

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random thoughts

the last three days feels like fall – it is grey and the temperature is less than 14C. I am having a hard time reminding myself this is June 🙂 It is great that I am going for a long trip to a sunny place soon; I am sure my body will appreciate the warmth and sunlight.

I am feeling bored nowadays as I have not worked well in the last few weeks – the good weather certainly distracted me and led me to leave my office earlier than usual to enjoy the outdoors. Yet, my mind is now bored and the only way to cherish is to work. Those who find something great about working would understand how I am feeling right now.

As per my financial goals, I continue to shop consciously, which makes a small, but noticeable difference. And no I did not take the bus this week yet, which feels somehow awkward. Can I start doing it tomorrow?

My mood in the morning is not great – I think this is one of the reasons for me to take the cab. I do not want to strain myself further by waiting and taking the bus. The cab takes me from the front of my house and leaves me at the door of my work place. So convenient. And convenience feels good, though I miss the self-appreciating feeling when I do take the bus. Tomorrow is another day. I can re-visit this then.

I keep eating fruits (apples and oranges mostly), drinking tea once a day, eating healthy as much as I can. At least this part of my life is going more or less as I wish it to be.

On a final note, I have been trying some fictional stories lately and poems earlier. I find I cannot keep working on them for extended periods of time – what I think about while writing is what I feel . So unless I start a comedy-centered piece, I am okay with working on them only time to time :). That also means I have developed a huge appreciation for poets and novelists.

poetry

I am chatty today; I want to write but not poems.

Sometimes poems are so easy; sometimes however I try, nothing comes around. I am okay with that.

I wish the rhymes were not required for poems that much; I find those words that come naturally are more powerful and sincere than those words that replace the others just because they rhyme. Natural poems versus structured poems. Dilemma.

I was also wondering who first came up with the idea of poetry? It is very creative. Any ideas?

unassuming of you (#1)

—————————————————————–

no Sir,

not yet

you seem not to

have shared

the best of you

and you tell me that

I do not get you?

no Sir,

not yet

without mutual laughter

and time spent together

I can not be guilty of

unassuming of you

—————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XII

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