Saturday morning musings

Happy to type this post this morning; it has been a while that I put my heart, mind, and words here.

The great news is that it is a beautiful morning where I feel no rush to sip my coffee or start doing home chores. I am not in rush… What a powerful, positive, and attractive feeling.

There is this bird that I woke up to each morning. She sings like nothing I have heard. Incredible melodies, maybe 2-3 different tones. Remembering it even puts tears of joys in my eyes. My daily walks around my neighborhood continues to delight me – there are so many new trees, yards, and plants that I got to notice, admire, and love. It is these moments spent in nature that I realize the one organism messes up with much is sadly  human.

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What is going on in some countries with COVID-19, all the suffering and deaths, failure to control the pandemic and support people, and resistance to use even the simplest public health measures makes me angry, disappointed and disgusted. This is human life we are talking about – can you not implement policies that others are already successfully doing? Can you not put on a mask, or practice physical distancing of 2 meters? Can you not realize this is not FLU.

Rant over. But I needed to do this for the memory of all those who lost their lives needlessly to COVID-19.

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The effects of this pandemic is continuous, of course. I continue to feel depressed, but not sure whether this is due to pandemic and the changes it implemented in my life, or other things going on in my life, especially related to work.

It has been a mixed feeling at the beginning. I had enjoyed having a break from office and working fully from home. It was doable and I was feeling advantageous because working from home is not something new to me. BUT over time people I worked with could not keep up. We started to fall back and my productivity decreased considerably. This sucked. Only lately I feel like I am finally completing the lagging tasks and I can look forward to new, fresh ideas and projects. This is at least a great development lately.

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I also feel like I must take a break and I am starting with a few days the week ahead. I plan to do what I want to do most – contemplate about what is important and what is not. In life and at work.

Remarkably, it has also been a time of change for me. I try to remove my perfectionist attitude and relax the measures a little bit, which makes an awesome difference in the work load I shoulder and give others more responsibility for their action or inaction. There are other changes. I think I will write about these changes and the positive effect they have on me later. Change is an opportunity and gives me hope, makes me excited, and absolutely less depressed.

I think I am feeling depressive because there are things that are not working for me anymore. That is why change is powerful, needed, and feels hopeful.

I also feel very strongly about the fact that I have been feeling like shit for a very long time and it was time that I choose to feel better.

It is gonna be alright.

This too shall pass.

When it does, it will be much better.

I believe in it.

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Good morning

Good morning everyone!

Let’s start the day having good wishes and vibes. Are we not fed up of the news and worries the current pandemic and other life conditions & experiences generate.

Let’s make today a day of positive thoughts and experiences. Whatever our life conditions are.

It is a choice.

I will not work today and tomorrow.

I rather want to cool down, connect, and reflect.

Time to get the mental strength back out of the confusions, disappointments, worries, and other limitations.

Once my mind is clear, I am strong.

When I am strong, I can take care of many things.

When I take care of things, I feel confident and satisfied.

When I am confident, I can grow bigger.

When I grow bigger, I can do more.

But first, I must get my mind clear and free.

Today is the day.

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COVID-19 (April 9)

It has been a bright day with a beautiful blue sky… Under different conditions, we would have been jumping up and down with excitement. Alas. We have a pandemic to go through this Spring (and beyond).

Despite the negative air it carries with itself, we must find ways to appreciate and love the life we are having right now. It is possibly the best day and best life we can have compared to what we will have in the next while. It is true – we may get sick, we may get more isolated, we may experience financial hardship, and we may lose loved ones. But today we are okay. Let’s appreciate this for a moment or two.

Tomorrow will mark the 3rd week of self-isolation, working mostly from home. 3 weeks – can you imagine?

I think we are doing it. I think we get used to this new life. I think we adapt to it better than we thought we would.

What do you think?

 

all the good things – check

 

  • feeling awesome – check

Some very positive developments have been happening with me lately. They deserve to be inked here. The most important being less of a control freak and feeling less anxiety. I do not know what prompts this beautiful feeling; my worry journal that keeps me company during anxiety and soothes me? having a good sleep over and over? having a highly toxic co-worker being removed from my work-place? focusing on the positive achievements and moving into a productive new field?

I do not know. But I am feeling great really. Hope to feel like this continuously 🙂

 

  • eating healthy food – check

I have eaten a lot for dinner, but this is alright. At least they were all healthy food. Especially the kale. I sauteed it with lots of onion and it was awesome. I decided that I can try it more regularly. After all, it is considered a highly powerful veggie. Could not be more excited.

Also, finally realized that the bagged apples were not the best apples. I often get them rot (3 lbs/bag) anyhow and they are not necessarily the crispiest ones, so what was my insistence of purchasing those apples? I bought bulk apples this week (5  of them) and enjoyed one of them at the office. It was juicy and lovely – my love for apples is being restored again. Come forward you the healthy fiber! 🙂

 

  • working nice and easy – check

I had a productive day at the office. I had a trip last week for a couple of days. Change was truly healing. I enjoyed flying, even though it was tiring; staying at hotels; eating different foods, and meeting with new colleagues. We worked as a team during the trip, even though we met for the first time. It was a good experience for me as well. All is well in my professional life 🙂

 

  • having the night to myself – check

Oh the sweet nights where the only thing I care about is writing my blog and listening to a nice piece of music. Priceless

 

random affirmations

It is a peaceful Saturday night. It is important for me to remember this now 🙂

I am thinking about the new challenges and annoyances that appear here and there. I tell myself that I should not be scared of these. It is not the first time and likely not the last that I face adversary. I do not let myself be scared tonite.

Also, out of blue, it came to my mind that everything is happening in my life because they are supposed to be. When I think about life as a continuous thing, this gives some kind of serenity. One thing may challenge, harm, or annoy me, yet the lessons learnt from this experience will help shape better tomorrows. I surprise myself with this thought happily.

One of the anxiety creating thoughts for me is “I do not know what to do”. With many new things and lots of conflicting pressures around, it is not unusual to find myself try to get the complete picture of the situation and make an effort to do the best, most informative decision. Sometimes it is hard to get the information. This means the matter stays with me unsolved for sometime. Sometimes it also is possible that the best decision turns out to be not the right one. Some of these experiences have made me feel annoyed when a new thing comes along. I would love to take this reaction out of my habits.

Going back to “everything happening is happening because they are supposed to be”; this thought gives me peace. This can be one of the affirmations I can work on (yay! I just found a new affirmation for myself that can really work).

Going back to “I do not know what to do” thought that arises in me in a new or challenging situation; I can switch it with “how would others feel in this situation?” I think that many people would take it easier than me. This also gives me some kind of peace.

And going back to this beautiful Saturday night – my aim is to enjoy every single minute of it.

You all have a great Saturday night as well 🙂

 

heavy work-load, stress, hard-work, and recognition and better work habits as a result

You well know from my posts how stressed and over-loaded with work I have been in the last few years. You also know that I am getting better at saying NO to things that do not serve me well.

Today I have got two invitations. I checked their requirements and decided to accept both of them. Is it extra load of work? Yes. So why did I accept them?

Well, one is from an organization that I volunteer. It is important to keep contributing to this organization, which has been fantastic for my professional development. My own organization is very supportive of volunteering in that one as well, which is a plus (my efforts are appreciated and approved by my own employer). Also the work they want me to do is minor when compared to what I usually do. As a matter of fact in a couple of hours, I had read the document and extracted the main points to write in my report. I must also say that this is probably the only organization/committee I have worked with that has an appreciation for your time and contributions. This always softens my heart and makes me more motivated to contribute to them. Never underestimate the power of “Thank you” and spontaneous appreciation, which are expressed when you do not expect it. Awesome.

I feel good about this.

The second invitations is more important, however. It is from an international organization! Yet another recognition for my contributions to the field, my friends 🙂 It always feels terrific to get these emails asking for my help and vesting trust in my capabilities. Their work is a little bit more extensive, yet the time period they give me (almost a month) is much longer than many, so I gladly accepted their invitation.

One more case to show my organizations what a well-recognized expert they have 🙂

I feel great about this!

I am, however, very much interested in saying no to anything else in the next while. I have already refused one problematic committee’s request to return back and I do not mind saying no to others, which are not likely give me as much pleasure as the ones I described above do.

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With all of these being said, one of the things about doing tens of reviews of reports for other organizations is that it becomes easier over time. I have another task at my hand, for a national organization. It is extensive but I was able to gather my strength as this is the second year I am involved in this process. Last year was hard, but this year I am wiser. I partition the work I must do and move it whenever I find small time, often at home. I do not stress or sweat about it, knowing the experience and expertise I have from last time. Nevertheless, I really hope that I will not do that anytime soon again.

The lack of time compared to the workload makes me stressed, but then there are positive developments as well. I focus on simplicity now in my work. I also dislike my several looks at the same document and rather focus on having one (for a general scan) or two (for polishing and catching the details) looks, and then move on. I know that my work is still of high-quality but taxing me less, so it is another win-win situation. I as usual try to get ready for an important work by starting and improving it over time – this greatly helps with the quality, especially if it involved learning new methods or context, which I find is best described when there is time to digest the information.

Nevertheless, I cannot wait till the summer vacation so that I can get away from all of these 🙂

 

 

a little bit of self-tolerance is awesome

I was not feeling great the whole day as I am, as usual, behind some of the tasks that I have assigned to myself at the first place. All work related of course. The main idea was that I would do these so that I could feel completely free to take a rest during the holidays. I have 3 more days but I am assuming some will lag and I will take care of them during the holidays. Felt exhausted the whole day as a result….

So what?

Not the first time that I had a hard day or not the first time that I will work during the holidays.

So with this, just an hour ago or so, I am relaxed a little bit and feeling better.

I like the fact that I really want to take a break during the holidays. I know that it will energize me and I will once again feel ready for the next 6 months. So, I will take this  and let it sink.

I will rest and I will take a break during the holidays. Period.

One thing I really would like to do during the holidays is doing something for my own enjoyment only. Not a chore (like cleaning or decluttering), but for my own enjoyment.

I decided that reading a novel or two would just fit this well. I am excited!

Another thing I would love to do is buying some aromatic stuff. I have had an essential oil that has been lightening my senses for some time. I think it is time that I get a couple of more, and enjoy.

Third would be getting rid of some of the things that have been bothering me. So, 20 min ago I decided to give up junk food, which has been not only sinking my purse but also elevating my internal criticism. I am not sure how well I will keep this plan, but feeling in control is great and uplifting. I want to hang onto this feeling.

Fourth thing would be paying more attention to my body’s needs and eating much better, for goodness’ sake. My diet has been very “junky” for some time. This week my grocery shopping will be focused on treating my body well. I am thinking different fruits (e.g. anything other than citrus and apple that I regularly consume) and drinking more tea. The good thing is that since last week I have been drinking tea at the office, for which I must congratulate myself.

Fifth – gifting myself. Thinking about all the money I will save by not eating junky stuff, it is time to make plans to get new stuff. Today I bought myself two fluffy socks, which I have been meaning to get for a year or so. That is great 🙂 I know one of my friends is getting me a plant as a gift, for which I cannot even wait 🙂 A new excitement 🙂 Together with the aroma therapy items, these three are the minimum gifts I will give to myself.

How will you gift yourself in these last days of the year?

holidays plans

It is mid December already 🙂

I must be excited about the holiday time-off, but I am not there yet. I have some work to complete before the holidays so that I can take a rest and then start the new year with a fresh feeling. I have 9 more days before the holidays, so I feel like I must speed up. Yet, Murphy’s law – while some stuff are doing well, others are not. So here is to a roller-coaster type of day 🙂

But, I take it easy. This is my new approach to life’s hurdles. There is a lesson to be learnt from everything. Perhaps this year’s lesson to me is to accept the hurdles and delays, and try anyhow. Ok.


These being said, I am looking forward to having some “me time” during the holidays. I just declined a social and I am likely gonna decline some others too. I remember last years that when I attended the socials, I had hardly any time left for myself. This year more than ever, I want to slow down and I want to reflect and decide on new aims.

Some of my plans are the usual:

I will clean the house really well and declutter! It is gonna be awesome.

I may shop, trousers particularly, by taking advantage of the sales.

I may finally finish the place mat I started to sew 3 months ago.

I may reflect on life, my wishes, and needs, and the future.

Most importantly, I want to evaluate the past year (this blog is a good resource to see what I have experienced or thought). I always liked this exercise! How did I develop, personally and professionally? What did I accomplish and what did I fail? What did I learn? What can I do differently? How did I take the change (e.g. changes in my sleep pattern) and how did this change me?

All very exciting questions! 🙂

 

 

 

all the good things – check

  • having a relatively positive day – check a millions of times!

thanks goodness for this!!

  • getting new plants from friends – check

always a pleasure to get new life forms from people around me. I think we are forming a plant share community, which is great 🙂

  • seeing my cacti seedlings were thriving in their container in my office – check

they look really healthy – all green and slightly grown 🙂 one of my colleagues offered to take care of them while I am away, which is a blessing 🙂 They no longer have the mold problem, which makes me suspicious – did I mistake an hairy seedling for mold? Poor thing. Or, it may be that 5% hydrogen peroxide solution that I have been using since last week may be doing its work just right.

  • facing a report that I was dreading and anxious about and seeing that it can be handled – check

my fear about this report was not necessary. I feared quite a bit, though (anxiety does this unfortunately). Yet, I did face it and it is manageable. I will remember this next time I have an anxiety bout 🙂

  • having a meeting and making my points contrary to the majority – check

this kind of things risk my place in committees. Yet, i cannot help expressing my values and the information I have. It is always tricky – to make the points without alienating others. I usually suck in this, like today, but eventually the points were taken and I am very pleased. This being said, I have a huge difference with a senior member, which I know will cost me later 🙂 Smile! 🙂

  • protecting the members of the sub-committee and thanking them for their hard work when nobody does – check

this sub-committee reports to the committee I talked this morning. They have done extremely well and are supportive of my points. I felt like I needed to appreciate their contributions so that we all can go ahead in the future. It was well received and I am glad I took my time to thank them.

  • working nice and easy and taking care of little things I needed to do – check

I will be on vacation this summer for a few weeks and it is important that I complete the many things lagging right now. I want to feel great before I leave for my vacation and truly enjoy my time. I am looking forward to it! This means the next few weeks I will be working really hard, but this is not something new to me. One last push 🙂

positive vibes

The thought crosses the mind and the heart feels.

That is what they say. I kind of believe in this.

Today, I am turning my regular thought pattern of working of problems, and rather, note the random beauty and safety around me.

Like the light coming into my bedroom window right now – what a majestic thing! It is free, available to everyone, and has found my way. I am lucky :). Ligth finds me.

The song I am listening to right now is peaceful, melodic, and intense at the same time. The guitar is both speaking and dancing. All the peaceful and lively melodies find me feed my soul, get my attention and lift my mood up.

I created two lovely sourdough loaves today and shared one with my good neighbours. To be able to share without feeling the need or enforcement is such a bliss. I like this about myself – I like to share the things I cherish. I am kind to my neighbours and I treat them time to time with nice food, little gifts. I am abundant and kind.

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I find things to do when I need to. Like today I painted a number of small terra cota pots for my yet-to-come succulents and cacti (planted seeds last week – wish me luck). I have hobbies that let me create and get excited about what I can do.

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I feel less anxious than Friday and this is wonderful. Once again, my fears triggered by external resources/people and made me remember what I should be careful about in my future steps (about work). I welcome this fear to make my future less problematic and I let it go now – it served its purpose.

I planted a number of seeds in a windy day. Some may have gone around to my neighbours’ yards. May they find their niche, germinate, and make someone happy and joyful. Nature and I have so much to share.

Rain and wind knocked some of my daffodils and tulips. One tulip is standing tall and is about to bloom. Like this tulip, I too stand up no matter what.

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Everything is available in life and I claim my part of life right here, right now.

How about this as a turn of the way I often think?

🙂

 

 

 

all the good things – check

  • deciding to feel good as nothing much in our daily/work life matters that much – check

I have had a kind of relaxing but also somehow nerve-pitching week. All work related issues of course. On the other hand, weather has been incredibly nice and Spring is really here. I have been feeling awesome about this – there is a real feeling of “hope” and “new beginnings” induced by the arrival of Spring. Should I be wasting these great feelings with focusing on shitty things and behaviors?

No.

Right. 🙂

  • walking to the office in the morning – check

I have been walking in the last few days from home to office in the mornings. This feels great really 🙂 Last year was the first time I had made it a routine activity to walk in the mornings (weather permitting). It makes me feel calmer, energetic, happier, and healthier 🙂

  • working without much of stress and taking care of a tricky document – check

I knew that it was gonna be tough but I also told myself repeatedly that I would do overcome this too. The last year has been particularly very challenging in terms of work, stress, agitation, changing myself and my work attitude, growing my gray hair (I did not update you on this, did I? Man, I have gray hair alright – looks better somedays than the others, but I am still resisting the idea of dyeing it 🙂 ), and undertaking new professional roles. One of the benefits of it has been to go through really tough time and tough decisions, so no new challenge is a big deal (at least so far) – great! 🙂

  • taking my time to enjoy the plants on my floor – check

it has been a pleasure really, looking at all the beautiful plants and flowers that have been around me for so long but have never been cherished or recognized by myself. I feel awesome now that I know each one of them. Plants are amazing, friends. There are so many different types of them, they do survive with little help, and they make one feel great emotions and joy…. Go hug a plant 🙂

  • walking to a nearby store and buying groceries – check

there have been many food that I needed and were on sale this week – I feel lucky 🙂 I want to get some succulents nowadays. There were some aleo vera that were on sale in this store, but I did not want to buy them this time. There is a store 30 min away on foot that I can go check sometime to see whether they carry succulents. Even reading about the succulent made me feel excited and happy yesterday 🙂

  • drinking fresh kefir – check
  • eating good home-made food – check
  • making a conscious effort to not dwell on negativity – check
  • enjoying a comedy show – check
  • having a simple life with minimal expenses today – check, check, check! 🙂

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all the good things – check

  • feeling really positive and excited about life -check 🙂
  • taking time to rest in the morning and getting up kind of late – check
  • catching the bus – check
  • enjoying my coffee – check
  • not being stressful at all and looking for something to do at the office – check!

this was very important. I have had time! I took this opportunity to discuss the work of a team member, who seemed to have done really well. I understand his work, which is in fact very complicated. And this gives me extra confidence in his work. Priceless 🙂

  • finding 30 bucks in a pocket of my purse and getting excited about this – check

This is wonderful! it is a lot of money. I have been meaning to buy jars, the little wide mouth ones, for some time. I think I can now get it with a peace of mind 🙂

  • getting a tax return more than I thought I would – check, check, check 🙂

Is that not wonderful? It is 🙂 I plan to make it a pre-payment and further reduce my mortgage. Very exciting! I feel like money comes to me from many different resources. Timing is great as this week I have been really frugal and did not spend more money while also keep living comfortably. I had missed this feeling and I am very excited about it.

  • eating yogurt – check
  • relaxing whole night and not working at all – check
  • buying long, green, and hot peppers at a nearby store – check

this kind is hard to find around here and this is the second time that I found it. My mom would love these peppers, especially if fried. i am not that into hot peppers, but with the seeds removed, the taste and the look of these peppers are just amazing. I feel lucky 🙂

  • having no meeting tomorrow – check
  • planning to visit a thrift store tomorrow afternoon – check

this is very exciting for me 🙂 I have not been to one for a long time. Browsing through all bunch of interesting stuff is a great relaxing exercise for my mind. While I am excited about this plan, I am also conscious about the bad weather outside – it is raining and we expect some storm. If the precipitation is not bad, I still can make it tomorrow – we shall see 🙂

  • having a no-spending day – check

that is right – this was the 5th day that I did not spend anything except the bus fare. I am abundant. I am well. I am proud.

 

all the good things – check

1. not working like crazy and taking my time and phasing out for an hour or so at the office – check

2. sleeping well and waking up with not so many negative thoughts – check

3. delivering a very interactive presentation, connecting with the audience who was hesitant and passive at the beginning but became cozy and excited about the presentation later, and making it a memorable experience for everyone – check

4. taking a cab and making it an easy and comfy experience to pick a card for my team member who will leave soon for another job – check. I have been meaning to do this for sometime. It is strange that when we look for a nice card they are nowhere to be found. I picked a nice one that I am very happy with and wrote a nice thank you and appreciation note for her. I hope she will like it!

5. eating grapes – check

6. eating a previously frozen home-made soup – check

7. attending an odd yoga class that aims to release muscle tension and finding it one of this interesting life experiences – check. My goodness; it was a crowded class, there were a lot of people shaking, making noise, breathing aloud, and making sure that we the rest of the pack laugh uncontrollably as a result :)))))

8. looking good with a new hair cut today – check. it is strange that a hair cut can make such a positive change in our outlook and how we feel. I will remember this and will use it as a means of therapy in the future 🙂

9. Being hungry and planning to eat something in a bit. It is getting late but I appreciate having appetite – check

10. watching an old movie that I always loved and enjoying my night – check 🙂 

 

 

all the good things – check

  • missing the bus and walking in the morning to office – check
  • treating myself with a muffin – check
  • working long hours without losing focus or energy – check
  • having a lunch with a friend, a very rare treat for me during the week days – check
  • getting a ride back home by a colleague in the afternoon while it heavily snowed – check
  • drinking kefir and loving every drop – check
  • keeping calm the whole day – check
  • realizing despite feeling largely like a failure, how well my projects created unique outcomes in the last one year and will continue to do so in at least the next two years – check
  • feeling sleepy and getting ready for a resting night sleep – check

joy journal – Jan 21, 2018

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and getting up with the feeling that I care about myself and support myself with kindness, understanding, and food. Great food 🙂

2. I am grateful for baking sourdough loaves. I baked two loaves today; both turned out to be delicious. How did I start with baking bread? It is a dilemma really. I remember that my first trials were frustrating. I am glad that I did not give up.

3. I am grateful for speaking with my family. we all love cats and talking about cats make us all cheerful and happy 🙂

4. I am grateful for cooking a healthy meal for myself and eating it with lots of garlic. Garlic became somehow common in my life lately. This crunchy and tasty food is making me feel better, presumably by reducing my blood pressure. I will take it! 🙂

5. I am grateful for seeing a change in my perception of my conditions. I see the glass half full increasingly. For a person who is known to be highly critical and skeptical, this is a wonderful change that has naturally come to my life.

For example:

I complained about my work a lot, but what if it is the best job for me for now? What if it is better than other alternatives I may have had should I have made different choices? I may have a stressful patch at work, but it is a meaningful job that allows me to contribute, create, train others, and learn. It also comes with a great salary. Although my salary is eaten up significantly by the taxes and extra taxes, it is still good enough to let me pay my mortgage, have an abundant life, and invest for my future. These may not be as much as I wanted them to be, but when I think that it could have been worse, I can do nothing but appreciate and like it…

The same thing with the city I live in. The economy may not be good and the future does not looks prosperous here, but it is a small and safe city with a very simple life. What if it could have been worse? Full of crime, traffic, and complications? I am indeed lucky to be living here.

Thus, I may have been going through a hard time, but it could have been much worse. I am grateful for realizing this.

6. I am grateful for being kind to myself.

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

  1. I appreciate myself for eating better, drinking kefir, eating fruits, cooking healthy food, and baking my own bread
  2. I appreciate myself for seeing the positive out of the negative, even though it may not be visible at the beginning
  3. I appreciate myself for exercising my right to say “no” the other day and having no negative feelings about it, which says that it was the right thing to do
  4. I appreciate myself for taking time to relax this evening after days of non-stop work
  5. I appreciate myself for getting excited about my plan to shop next Saturday
  6. I appreciate myself for exchanging nice words with someone I know and feeling elated about it
  7. I appreciate myself for working on my issues; I know I am angry deep down. I will find out why and I will release it
  8. I appreciate myself for mentally supporting myself when I feel like things are too much and I cannot handle them
  9. I appreciate myself for being ready for a busy work day tomorrow. I know what I will do and I am confident that I will do well 

 

 

joy journal – September 15, 2017

I figured that if I have a positive mental state right before the sleep, then I wake up feeling positive! This is such a priceless experience. Thus, here comes today’s joy journal entry:

1. I am grateful for waking up around 4 am and getting up around 5 am. These are very early hours for me. I enjoyed a couple of cups of coffee and found a chance to work at peace. Lovely 🙂

2. I am grateful for sending out a report to other parties. We have been working very hard on it in the last few months and I am glad we are close to its final submission after the revisions.

3. I am grateful for taking the bus this morning. Weather was nice, cool, and dry, which made waiting for bus a possibility.

4. I am grateful for working quietly at the office.

5. I am grateful for for eating a pear and two apples at the office. Fruits is nice and healthy 🙂

6. I am grateful for sitting in an afternoon meeting for 4 hours and despite the lower back ache staying till the end. I wonder how we can do this.. Sitting for so long… How is this even possible to have the mental clarity to contribute to such a long meeting? I have some ideas to shorten this time, which I hope to propose next time.

7. I am grateful for walking back to the store close to my home and purchasing some items on sale. they are good for me on the long rem. Price was the lowest I have seen in that store and was very comparable to other sales in distant stores. I feel lucky to have found these items today.

8. I am grateful for eating a healthy meal with lots of iron in it (beef liver). My iron levels are down again, which worries me. I am not anemic and my energy levels are good, but I am worried about having a disease that can cause this. I hope it is just diet related. This makes sense to me because I keep eating the same things and rarely any meat, which is a good source of iron. I am making an effort now to eat more diverse than before. the trick is to aim high (more than 10 different food sources and at least one meal with red meat per week). I usually do not stick to this kind of plans, but I hope this time it will work out for me on the long run.

9. I am grateful for eating salad full of a variety of raw veggies and lemon juice. Yummy 🙂

10. I am grateful for trying to resurrect my sourdough again… This is the second time that I have forgotten to spare starter lately. I am feeling upset about this, but keep thinking that my mind is so focused on work that it can be normal to forget trivial things..

11. I am grateful for having my window open and letting fresh air in.

12. I am grateful for having plans to shop tomorrow! Yes, I plan to shop and get food. I also plan to have my hair cut tomorrow – let’s see how this will work out.

13. I am grateful for having the night to myself and enjoying the dark and quiet environment. It is so peaceful right now….

14. I am grateful for everything I have at home; furniture, clothes, shoes, kitchen items, light bulbs, comforter, my computer, and internet access that make my life easy safe, and comfortable.

15. I am grateful for making an effort to fill my mind with these beautiful experiences, rather than negative encounters 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday morning musings

I got up very early this morning, partly because it was cold. I am glad I have done this, though, considering how peaceful, stress-free, and enjoyable the morning is.

I have been feeling quite well since yesterday evening; a big work is almost done and it feels good.

I have been on and off on work staycation in the last 6 weeks. It has been stressful to do all the work that dragged me down during this time and I was hurt along the way and exhausted, but now things are getting and looking better.

I still have lots of stuff to do but I have a list that shows which works are done in the last 6 weeks and I am glad that I went thru this time; lots of work is done! In my profession 6 weeks is a short time, and all the things I have done are great things. It was a great decision to do this this year. I am very satisfied with my decision and performance.

At what cost, you may ask? And you are right, stress and exhaustion are not worth it within the big picture of life. But I know if I had not done what I had done, things would have been worse for me and I would be looking for a much longer period of agonizing time to finish everything. Finding this positivity and being satisfied with everything are priceless. And feeling well is above all of these; I am very grateful.

This week is the last time that I am able to take vacation time off this year. That means until the holidays in December I will have occasional flexibility to work from home. I should be okay with this, but somehow reacting to it. It tells me that I enjoyed or benefited from working at home. Another positive thing  to be grateful for!

On my personal life side, this intense work period was also good; I socialized a couple of times and hosted friends at home. More importantly, I broke my routine, even though I longed for my routine life during the last 6 hectic weeks. Life is interesting. Everything has its own proper time I guess…

I have great plans for today! I will complete some more tasks that have been dragging me down. I am looking forward to finishing them and adding them to my tasks-done-list! What a treasure 🙂

I hope you all will have a gorgeous day filled with positivity, satisfaction, great opportunities and solutions 🙂

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back to my routine

Today after a month or so I am finally back to my regular routine; home cleaned, laundry done, sourdough stater fed, and more importantly I am not working.

This feels good.

There is something nice about our daily life and routine. It helps us to pay attention to our regular surroundings and activities. I kinda look around and notice things to be grateful for; my yard for example has considerably improved this year with the new back fence and new plants showing up. I love going around it everyday and noticing how the life in my yard doing and remove unnecessary weeds and stuff. It is great to be feeling content, excited, and hopeful about a part of my life.

I also find a chance to notice things that require care and fix them before they get worse. One of my household plants seem to have too much water in the vase, and as such has started to reek (possibly the microorganism growing in the water at the bottom). I cleaned it well and now hope that the plant will regain its health and vigor. It is a life and deserves the best from us.

I am watching the X-Files and am happy to be doing it.

I will prepare a nice dinner today with healthy ingredients, which will help me to gain my strength back and reduce the toxic effects of ongoing stress.

My windows are open and fresh air is caressing every corner inside.

My street is quite and eventless, encouraging an easy rest at home.

I have had fruits and home-made kefir cheese and sourdough this morning, which gives me the necessary energy and encouraging thought that I am back to healthy life-style.

My kefir grains are doing just fine and my sourdough starter is raising.

I have not got any negative news or annoying emails just yet and I am very grateful for this.

I appreciate this opportunity to just relax and give my mind and body a break.

I am excited for being free this evening and tomorrow and all the things I can do with my time.

And more importantly, I am happy to be with myself and reflecting on life and my life, which was much needed. Like this morning, I woke up with the thought that one day I would cease to be and whether what I was stressing myself about at work or at life would worth it. The answer is no. There are so many other important things to do or pay attention to. Time is given and passes pretty quickly. Life is bigger than what I have been focusing on lately. Loved ones and our own well-being and happiness are the most important thing. So much stress and its negative effects on body and mind are foolish. It is time to have a much wider look at life as a whole and re-adjust the priorities and plans. I have not got much of an idea about what they would be, but I am grateful that I have the metal sanity and clarity at least for this moment to even think about this. 

Routine is good my friends.

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Saturday morning musings

It is a beautiful morning 🙂 Birds are flying, trees are washing with the breeze, sun is warming and inviting, and coffee is just great 🙂

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When we grow up we listen to a lot of fairy tales. After a period of hardship, difficulty, and loss of hope, lost of great things, opportunities, and beautiful things happen in those tales. I once or twice reacted to this in my adult life, saying that the reality is in fact not like this and they fooled us by believing in that everything will be beautiful at the end. I felt like these tales were not representative of real life.

Today I think a little bit differently. I think we needed these tales to realize that things can turn to better way. That we should have hope and faith that things can and will be better in the future. It is not realistic to assume this is always to case, but the truth is that there is a chance that it will turn better and we must believe in this and find some kind of relief, hope, and optimism, rather than dwelling into negative chaos. 

So I repeat this sentence since yesterday:

“Everything will be great”

To recognize this chance and shift the focus of my mind from negativity to positivity. It worked this morning and may work at other times. I will use my chances. After all life is all about learning, experiences, growing, shifting, and most importantly about noticing and enjoying everything it can offer to us. 

And today I enjoy not only my coffee, but being alive, safe, healthy, and the well being of my loved ones.

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joy journal – August 11, 2017

It has been a long time that I have written this journal.

I must remember to do this especially when I am feeling down – there is nothing uplifting more than being grateful for events, memories, things, people, and experiences that give us hope, positivity, happiness, opportunity, and a break from all the chatter and clutter.

1. I am grateful for waking up early today; 6.30 am to be exact. When you wake up so early you have all the time in your hands. Also it is such a quiet time of the day; no traffic no phone calls. Precious.

2. I am grateful for being off today. I worked only lightly in the morning. It was enough. I have had enough. The rest of the day except email correspondences I have not dealt with work. This gave me some chance to just sit down and relax. I was tired too – at noon I have felt quite drained and lied down for a while. It was beautiful.

3. I am grateful for doing routine stuff today; house chores! How joyful it was to be able to engulf in a simple yet effective work for a change! I cleaned the house, did the laundry, did grocery shopping, and finally cut the grass in the yard! The last one was on my list in the last 6 weeks – the time was right today. I feel relieved – one more long-standing task is done and gone (for now, of course; I gotta repeat this in two weeks, but until that time….).

4. I am grateful for the little potato that one of my potato plants have produced! One of the plants turned yellow and I wanted to check it. And there they were, 6-7 little potatoes….. what a wondrous thing to experience… I am awed. Honestly 🙂

5. I am grateful for going through hardship and relaxing into it now. These were all work related and I am gaining somethings really good and losing somethings really important. Losing is not a great feeling, but that prompted to me to make plans for my future. I resist less to the issues and things I have lost, and focus more on what I can gain. I was right about that feeling last week or so; my life is shaping as a result. I hope it to be a good one. 

6. I am grateful for the warm weather outside that keeps us warm and windows open. There is something lovely about having the fresh air inside and feel the breeze…. Lightness! Yes, this is the feeling it does give – lightness! Being free of worries and nerve-racking things. Being in the moment and enjoying this simple act. Precious! 🙂

7. I am grateful for being ready for the dinner tomorrow. I will have two couples as guest, good friends. I have everything sorted out and the menu being realistic. Tomorrow will be a busy day but hopefully a fun day, too.

8. I am grateful for feeling better now 🙂

eggs, frugality, and walking

I am not an extreme frugal, but those who follow me know that I have been on budget (since last June), significantly eliminated unnecessary expenses (such as the annual fee for the credit card – one time opportunity but hey I have saved more than $100, or by changing the cable package – monthly savings are around $25, or by taking the bus rather than taking the cab to work – weekly savings around $40). I also started to freeze food and implemented a “no food waste” strategy. All has been working wonderful so far 🙂

I am not good with coupons (not that there is anything wrong with them – I just do not have time or interest to look for the coupons of items I regularly consume/use). I price-check and shop for items usually when they are on sale. I check the weekly flyers of three stores in close proximity to my home. One store is five minutes away; another one is 10 min away, and the third one is 15 min away.

After yesterday’s baking a bread saga :), I realized I was running out of eggs. I love eggs! They make easy meals (hard-boiled or poached) and can be used in many different dishes (I will post the recipe for an egg-onion-parsley-pasta sometime) and an absolute ingredient for baking. Anyways, so yesterday I checked the flyers and I identified that eggs were on sale at Shoppers. I walked there this morning (a total of 20 min of walking both ways; talking about the health benefits of being frugal), bought two dozens of eggs, and happily come back home.

I do not know how much I saved by this activity but to tell you the truth I do not think it is a lot (many be a couple of dollars), but I am more awed by the positive feelings associated with this; I walked and energized my body; it felt awesome, somehow meditative, to be walking and watching the rhythms of my legs as they walked 🙂 I got exposed to sunshine and got some Vitamin D I need :); and overall I felt satisfied by finding eggs to purchase (they run out of it pretty easily – past experience).

Who would know that such a small financial savings would create such, multiple and positive, feelings?

email decluttering – started :)

One of the nice things about the holiday season is the ability to think differently and do stuff that I otherwise cannot find time for.

So this evening, I took my time and cleaned my personal email account. I only cleaned the inbox so far (sent items and stored folders to be cleaned hopefully soon). The total time required was around 1 hour; I was merciless and deleted all unuseful or irrelevant emails, especially from companies or disliked individuals. I left the emails from loved ones, as they are great memories that I would like to cherish.

I found that if the emails are ordered alphabetically, it is easier to sort the ones to be deleted from ones to remain. Perhaps that will help you, too.

I am feeling good about this; letting go of the past and unuseful stuff and opening place for the new and hopefully positive emails and experiences in life 🙂

Wishing you a similar experience 🙂

 

random thoughts

A rainy and misty day 🙂 It is good that I have an umbrella that did not break with the wind and made me safely (and without getting wet) took the bus this morning 🙂

This is a very busy week for me, but it is going well so far. Sometimes I am in “the phase” when I can function well and take care of many stuff. After a while it becomes too much and i need time to recuperate, but I am guessing I have a couple of weeks to go before that happens. That is cool 🙂

A couple of positive developments occurred today, which pleased me. With one of our important collaborators I have had some sour conversations in the past few months. Now it looks like we are mending this – they invited me to have a meeting in October. Cannot wait to talk face-to-face; it is always  a lot better than written correspondence. Plus, I gotta travel for a day or two to the US – trips and taking time away from the office is always a delightful break for me.

I also have a new team member, which arrived from another city last week. he seems to be doing well, settling in and getting adapted to our environment and the system. It is amazing how well young people can take the initiative and take care of stuff related to their living conditions without needing our help (I always appreciated and admired this). I have high hopes for this new team member; based on my initial impression, he looks like a mature and smart person. I think we will do great work together.

Having hope and positive developments always feels good; I hope you also had such experiences nowadays.

until next time

random thoughts

It is Murphy’s law that right before I go for my vacation, urgent matters appear that require me to work harder and more. Sigh..

I am 10 days away from my vacation and in addition to what I already knew that I have to take care of, I have got today a) an error in an important data to fix; b) an important but delayed document to correct and edit; and c) an important project and report by another colleagues of mine (whom I have great respect for) to do work for and edit. All of these are time-sensitive.

I am stressed.

I am really looking forward to a relaxing stress-free vacation.

But, of course I am not going to end this post with a negative tone! Positivity is way better: so here is the positive things about all these: once I took care of them, and I can, even though it is going to be hard on me a little bit, I will fly away leaving everything behind. I know this feeling very well – happened each time I took a plane to leave where I am and all the worries and stress associated with it.

time to fly! 🙂

joy journal – March 29, 2015

I had a jolly joyful day so far; cannot wait to share 🙂

1. I am grateful that instead of going to the cafe I always go at the weekends, I took the bus and went to a shopping mall. I usually cannot wait… it is just something about me.. But this morning I managed to spend around 40 min at home without getting crazy (!) prior to catching the bus. I am changing in a positive way. I cannot say I have changed it totally and now I am as patient as anyone else, no. But I can say I did that today and I can do it again. Awesome 🙂

2. I am grateful that I went to a different cafe at the mall and got my coffee. I did eat the same unhealthy breakfast (bagels), which I still need to work on, but I have done something unexpected and tried a latte! It was great and lovely change from my usual coffee. As a matter of fact, latte seems a lot more like a treat than regular coffee. Why not to get more frequently?

3. I am grateful that the servers at the cafe were nice and lovely. I am grateful that I read magazines while having my breakfast.

4. I am grateful that I bought small notebooks; I have a thing for stationary items such as notebooks, pens and others. Make me excited 🙂

5. I am grateful that I walked up to go to a big bookstore! What a nice feeling! There were so many beautiful books and it was bright and nice. I got a book from one of my favourite writers that I did not even know existed. I cherish that book now.

6. I am grateful that even though it was raining/snowing a little bit, I decided to walk maybe half a kilometer to go check a thrifty store. It is sunday so I was not sure whether it was open, yet my motivation to be there was good enough. And it was open. I could not find books that can interest me today there, yet I found 2 bowls that I was looking for. They actually looked like the bowls I have at home, and it turned out to be correct! Now I have 4 of the same bowls that I like and use frequently. I was lucky today 🙂

7. I am grateful that my energy levels were great today. I was not complaining about walking or going from one store to other, not at all. That is a great feeling that makes me more confident about my energy levels. I think I am not lazy or tired all the time. I think they are temporary and I can and I do have an adequate level of energy 🙂

8. I am grateful for waiting for the bus and reading my book at the bus stop. It was a cold/rainy day yet I did not get bored or something and take the cab rather than the bus. I am very proud of myself. I can wait…. This is the second time I waited for something today and again I am really enjoying this change in my behaviour.

9. I am grateful for doing the grocery shopping on the way back home. I bought healthy food and contemplated a lot about whether or not to buy breads. Eventually I did not. My determinism to have a healthy diet is continuing, which is very pleasing.

10. I am grateful for the healthy meal and salad I had this afternoon; that tells me that I am really making an effort to eat better.

11. I am grateful for my books – I am reading a couple of them, both of which are very easy to read and are positive. I feel the positivity surrounding me.

12. I am grateful that it is sunday and it is peaceful, nourishing, and positive.

13. I am grateful for  not letting one of my friends on the phone bombarding me with negative experiences and all. She says she is very positive but then when she talked to me she always mentions about the negative things. It feels like she dumps all of her negativity on me. I cut the conversation asking for a positive talk. I am proud of this.

14. I am grateful for the road salt I have stocked up at home. In the grocery store there was no more salt today. I anticipate that I may need another one or two bags of salt before the winter clears up. And I already have them. Feeling good 🙂

15. I am grateful for being grateful. If anyone is reading this post, may I kindly ask you to consider trying your own joy journals? It does not have to be a post like this; it can be a computer file or writing on a notebook. I hope writing joys of the day will make you feel positive feelings.

keep positive

One of these days that my overall energy is low.

I miss being energetic, joyful, and smiling. feeling like “I can do this”; feeling like “I have the energy to do whatever I want to do or have to do”.

Working is really good, but sometime we need to recuperate. And lately I have been working real hard; everyday in fact. If I was not physically working, then my mind was working.

I had planned to take one or two day off this week – I have new meetings scheduled for tomorrow, but I guess Thursday, I can just take it easy.

My plan for Thursday (that immediately energized me and put a smile on my face) is this:

1. sleep well; be lazy. let the body take a break.

2. have a nice breakfast; the favourite cafe is alright; the favourite breakfast as well. Then lightly work on the laptop; there have been a couple of almost finished reports, which I could not submit so far. It is a great opportunity to finish them. Since they are almost completed, it is not going to take much time or effort. Plus, since I will finish them, I will feel the satisfaction. That is good.

3. Do something different. Now, this is a great idea….. What shall I do that day different then the rest of the days? I have not been to stretching classes for some time; why do I not start it again? It always felt relaxing and beneficial. I think that is a great idea!

4. Most importantly, I will be grateful that I will be away from the office. I like my office, but sometime it is miserable. The more people who are miserable are around, the less is the positive energy around. I will keep myself away from that chaos.

Keeping positive 🙂

I really would like that to happen

I read it somewhere today that “there are people who would like to have your bad day” or something like that.

It did make quite a sense to me; we all have problems and stressful events, however small or big, however real or anticipatory they might be, but some issues are really real and big.

For a day tomorrow, I will try to stop complaining about little issues/problems. I will see how it goes. Then I will see whether I can make a positive difference in somebody’s life tomorrow.

We are all connected; maybe with that person a little bit more at ease, somebody else may get at ease, and then another one, and so on.

I really would like that to happen.

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful

I am excited so I feel like I have to put this excitement into words.

I had a series of writings/poems under the Kate’s short story category; I decided to end it today.

I am very happy with this decision. While I am happy with some of its parts (that I can extend later to form other, much better stories/poems), I am feeling it is also quite a relief to let it go. I have had quite heavy feelings, and not necessarily positive ones, when I focus on writing it; an impossible love is not a positive experience (in terms of the feelings it evoked).

Come to think about it, I have other series called Sasha’s story and The Life in the Diary,  which are collections of two other story lines. Both are depressive.

I decided today that life was bright and hopeful.

I decided today that I did not need more “heavy feelings”: rather there is also joy, happiness, opportunities, peace, kindness, and goodness in life. I will focus on these from now on.

I will make my writings reflecting these. Pain is everywhere, so can be happiness.

cheers

The life in the diary – V

Fiction

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February 6, 2013 – cont’d

My incision hurts – there is no drain put in place and I am expecting some blood clotting occurring, pressing on my wind pipe, and making everything all difficult for some time again. Why do they not do it? I would rather have a scar than the discomfort. Well, maybe not; maybe drainage hurts more. So let’s leave it there.

My throat is hurting but despite what one of the nurses suggested, I did not request a painkiller. I can take the pain for now. I did not expect to feel all right right after a surgery; it is okay to have some pain. Plus, it is not even my worst concern – eating and drinking is still problematic; it is the most painful of all. But, I have been there before and I can take this.

Lying on the hospital bed is not fun; there is nothing much to do. I had brought a book to read but I am not in a mood to read about “how to get happy now”; that is the focus of the book. Happiness is something I will concern myself with after when I figure out what will happen to me.

They encourage me to walk, which I am happy to do. Boredom is interesting, makes you find ways to enjoy your moments. I like looking out of the window at the end of the hall – it is snowing outside and everywhere is white. I see people hastily walking in the evening under the street lamps – people should be happy to leave the work and getting ready to go home. I have not missed my home yet; I take this change as an opportunity to break my everyday routine. This sounds weird I know, but when all future is more or less blank, you kinda focus on the moment and try to find things that will make you feel good.

I need to feel good.

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The life in the diary – V

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joy journal – Dec 17, 2014

I am grateful for a bunch of things today

1. I am grateful I had a good sleep tonite; going to the bathroom in the middle of the night has been going on for some years; I was annoyed by this for some time but I guess that is okay. Age changes things. I am embracing this.

2. I am grateful for putting the garbage out for collection; it is funny that I have never forgotten to do that so far? Human mind is interesting; it remembers things when needed, sometime over and over again. I am grateful for this.

3. I am grateful for the light work day – stress was so unexisting that I love this feeling. All is taken easy and things move while I keep relax. How can I do this all the time? I better figure out the reason and make it happen.

4. I am grateful for training my assistant for some ordering, finance checks, and data analysis and storage. She is smart, notices things and learn fast. I am very pleased by her performance.

5. I am grateful for the quiet work place – I think some people have already left for the holidays. It is peaceful and there is certainly less rush in the place. That I think contributes to my less stressful experience.

6. I am grateful for walking back to home this evening – good for my health, heart and bones. Well done.

7. I am grateful for the relatively warm weather and lack of icy snow on the road that permits me to walk.

8. I am grateful for drinking milk today – I so rarely drink milk. It is supposed to be useful for my body – keep drinking time to time.

9. I am grateful for the hot soup and salad I had this evening – the soup warmed me up and the salad literally gave me vitality.

10. I am grateful for not missing someone desperately today. It is dreadful feeling. I am enjoying whatever goes through my heart today – they are all warm feelings.

11. I am grateful for not procrastinating with an important email today; less stress translates into more clear thing, confidence, and internal peace. I really would like to be like this the entire life, not only in december when I start getting excited about the days off from work and naturally become less stressed and more positive (good to notice that by the way).

12. I am grateful for my warm and safe house – I am grateful for my throw that keeps me warm, I am grateful for my socks and wool jacket that keep me warm. Warmth has a unique place in my needs I see – winter does it. Another reason to be grateful for then, re; winter.

13. I am grateful for my food – I have many veggies and fruits still available from last friday. I can cook something nice tomorrow.

14. I am grateful for being sleepy – that means I will have a good night sleep.

15. I am grateful for not replying to an email reply from someone I know – I think I can stop it here; there was no indication of a need to continue to keep emailing back, though I wanted to interact with that person a little bit more. Maybe at another occasion.

16. I am grateful for receiving a free calendar in the mail today – it is cute and I will find a good use for it!

17. I am grateful for feeling upbeat, optimistic, and positive.

18. I am grateful for feeling the excitement of the book I am going to read in the coming days.

19. I am grateful for finding all these to be thankful today.

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