What comes first? Me, me, me, or my wellness?

It has been somehow stressful day; I have so much to do! ūüôā

Yet, I also felt like I could use my time better and I could award myself for doing well as well. This is really lovely – I think I have started to support and value my efforts a little bit better. Self-care is here ūüôā

One thing I am doing this week is to cancel showing up in events that celebrate the achievements of my team members. It was a hard decision to make, but I am glad I have as it gives me the much needed time. It is a first too. I talk to my team members and they understand the reasons well as well. I would think this was selfish, but maybe I should be a little bit. In order to protect my time and reduce my stress levels created by the lack of time to recuperate.

I have been to my counseling session yesterday. I talked for 40 minutes. How lovely ūüôā Was I reserved? I was. But I also talked. I did not get a huge number of new thoughts/realizations out of the session that I did not already know -main points were:¬† mental health is important; I worry all the time; I am not interested in getting medication for anxiety or depression unless it is the last resort; I am close to burn out because of the intense work and stress (my counselor’s assessment); I must eat better; and I must exercise. And, time to care for myself – physically and mentally.

It is always good to hear from someone else that I must care for myself. This makes me feel supported in my decisions to not attend extra events this week and the weeks to come. This does not mean that I come first all the time, under all conditions – that would be selfishness and being self-oriented. It means my wellness should come first.

I like that.

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random thoughts

Why we time to time feel incapacitated? Inadequate? Inefficient? Not confident?

I realized the answer to this question lately.

There are so many things I (perhaps you too) must/have to:

I must work, do a good job with my job, respond to feedback or criticism, always come up with things better than yesterday, work with people (sometimes great, sometimes not), earn money, save money, clean, shop, interact with others, get up, sleep, feed myself, have hobbies, think, make decisions, have dreams, have plans, take steps, prevent failure, must accept failure, learn, teach, talk, stand up, sit down, keep quiet, cook, water the plants, call people, check emails, support people, express myself, exercise, eat well, drop weight, visit doctors, handle letters and bills, support and pacify myself during hard times, forgive, forget, and remember, ask for help, give thanks and credits, celebrate birthdays, remember good things, deal with bad things, move on no matter what, have good physical and emotional health, eat this or that, not eat this or that, be there when others need me, smile, laugh, be kind and understanding, keep up with things going on regardless of whether or not I agree with them, and keep my sanity while all the other stuff  around me are more or less affecting me (take the news, which are never good, or the inflation and economy as examples).

You know that the list above is long.

I feel there are too many things requesting my time and energy. And I am one person with the same 24 hours a day. It is impossible to do everything all the time. It is impossible to make everyone happy.

I feel incapacitated and inefficient when there are too many demands on my energy and time.

I noticed lately that I also lose confidence as I keep saying “I cannot do this, I could not do this, I could not do all, etc.”during these times. My mind rightfully saying this event-by-event finally believes in these statements.

I do not deserve this. I do not need this. Nobody does.

They say we should strive for enjoying our lives. They say we can prioritize.

Let me tell you something; we cannot prioritize all the time; sometimes there are more than one thing that needs to be taken care of at the same.

And it is not possible to enjoy our lives much when there are so many things that require attention, often immediately. Or when we are dealing with important issues in our lives.

And do me a favor and tell me not about the willpower.

Many people are quick to judge the person in front of them. Without knowing much about the details of their lives, issues, dreams, objectives they are striving to achieve, and problems to overcome.

It is easy to judge. It is not easy to understand.

Tell me, for example, how am I supposed to work acceptionally, cook and eat healthy, exercise daily, lose weight consistently, take care of home all happily and as if there is nothing else I can be bothered about? As if my entire life is these?

So next time when I am talking to someone and wanna say¬†“you should…”, I will stop myself.

I will first believe that they are doing their best under the circumstances. I will not dictate what they must do or how they must do with their lives. Whether they must lose weight, save more, exercise more, eat healthier etc. I can educate or support them if they want these, but I will make sure I do not sound like imposing these to them.

I just wish others would do the same.

work, Murphy’s Law, and stress management

Today was a stressful work day – but now all is great ūüôā

It is like Murphy’s law that whenever I came home early to keep working in the¬†comfort my home offers, I am required to be at the office. Or, that is how I feel.

For one, I had one document review waiting for me, which I had postponed, not realizing it was due today. After reminder emails and voice messages, I came home to focus on it and start reviewing it.

I could not start it right away though; I have got three other emails, all time sensitive and asking for my immediate response. One of them quite serious as it required me revising some documents in my office computer. It is awesome that I can connect to my office computer from home and revise or create documents right on it. But, in the middle of my work, my office computer stopped working and eventually I lost my connection, only to be able to connect it hours later. Arghh :))

One by one I took care of the remaining stuff, but I gotta tell you the stress I experienced was something.

And, as if these were not enough, I also wanted to finish staining my deck. I did that, too.

Why do I do that? I can just relax and take care of stuff on time, without creating more jobs for myself. I could for example delay staining my deck. But no, I had to do it as I had decided today was the day…

I like planning and following my plans, but I guess I need to be spontaneous sometime and implement better prioritization strategy as well.

Or better yet, I may just convince myself that I can take care of stuff without stressing myself. The first part is true; I do take care of stuff. Big time. Managing stress? That is what I need to work on ūüôā

have a great Monday evening everyone ūüôā

I can only be compassionate and understanding

Since I wrote¬†this post a couple of days ago, I have been thinking; there is so much truth to it. Yes, “there is a limit to what one can undertake”.

I have chronically low levels of energy; it has not been like this all the time; but in the last 5-6 years, this has been the case. Whether it is a natural change in the body/metabolism due to middle-age, or I have been undertaking too many work-related activities with too much of responsibility, or I have been living in geography with usually grey skies and icy, snowy, or long winters, I do not know. But, I walk less, I exercise less, and most importantly I want to do less (except the work activities).

What do we do when we have many to take care or think about? We all have lives and people we care about; the majority of us have houses and other properties to clean, organize and take care of, work and financial needs and worries are there, too. Include your health, hobbies, and wishes and plans for future. How do we deal with too many thoughts? Issues? I personally will shut down some of the issues to deal with those which needs to be taken care of immediately or that carry some kind of importance. Or, just to keep my mind occupied by other activities to give my mind a break. That means, the rest will remain somewhere out there or in my mind to be dealt later.

I can only be compassionate and understanding when the issues not dealt with come back more problematic, as I cannot deal with all. It is okay to shut down, relax, and recharge when it is needed. It is okay to prioritize and it is okay to err in prioritizations.

This is not “losing”, this is not “giving up”, this is not “not fighting up”.

This is acceptance. This is being human.

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