one of these awesome days

One of these days that I am calm and feeling good about myself and the work.

One of my team members and I finished a big project today, which was on the go for 3.5 years. I cannot believe. She made that happen and she is leaving soon to move on with a better career. I could not be happier and more proud of her. May she always find success, happiness, and support in life. She has got my full blessing.

I feel like accomplished now a little bit and am feeling hopeful and excited about my work again. Results of this project will be used in many other projects and noone in the world has ever produced such results. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing what a unique and exciting project this was. I must be happy and proud of myself as well!

This realization brings me some sort of confidence and excitement – I have done very well indeed. There is hope that I will sign under the many more difficult and exciting projects. This is such a much needed feeling for me. I would not be surprised if I shed some tears out of joy 🙂

Now I have space for future projects and my calendar is more permissive to move on with others that I have been planning. Happiness! 🙂

I have four presentations to do withing the next four weeks – two of them being this week. I am ready for them. The other two, on the other hand, needs work. Ok – I can do this! After that my next biggest task will be writing a new type of report, which I am looking forward to. It will be challenging at the beginning, we have been keeping it under the radar for some time, and now I will have time to work on it. Something fresh, interesting, and developing me further as a professional. Excitement!

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I was telling one of my friends today that I wonder how I and my life will develop in the next three years. I know that I have been changing my approach to others at work, becoming a little bit more focused on my own interests and reducing my commitment to others’ work, being interested in challenging and developing myself by taking new roles and responsibilities, becoming more assertive, and most importantly, questioning my own look at my life. I told my friend today that I sometimes think about resignment. Not that I want to but I guess it is one way to free myself from all the little issues and attitudes that bother me. Thinking about resignment gives me some kind of relief from the current issues. It also helps me with un-attaching myself from work. I was always overly committed to work and as such have ignored the other important things in life.

What are the important things in life?

Certainly my family is important.

I am important.

It is time that I let these realizations sink into my mind…

It is exciting that I am curious about my future, don’t you think? 🙂 This is certainly becoming an exciting anticipation for me – I want my future to be better, happier, healthier, and more meaningful. I want to have dreams and plans. I want to do different things. I want to feel good about myself and my frequent efforts to do so!

May the next days bring joy, success, happiness, health, and good people, experiences, memories, and opportunities to all of us 🙂

 

having energy and new projects feel fine

It has been a fine day today. I am kind of bored and anxious about something I care a lot, but other than that, it has been going well.

Today I got up around 9 am, had a light breakfast at home, and then walked all the way to one of the shopping mall’s area. There are a number of dollar and thrift stores in that region, which I really love to visit. I did not buy anything today, but it was so much fun to go around the shelves, look at items that are usually unique, browse the books, and checking the sewing items/notions.

I then walked back home. I estimate that I walked around 2 hours today. I think this is awesome 🙂  I feel strong, powerful, able, healthy, and lighter 🙂 Thanks to all vitamin D and iron supplements that I was prescribed two years ago.. What a difference they have made in my energy levels. 

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My interest to consume the food hoarded in the freezer and pantry is going strong. I have consumed quite a bit of the “old” items and have replaced some of them back with fresh ones (like minced beef, chicken, pasta, and legumes). I still have a number of food that I have not touched in the last year or so, including some frozen veggies, wild rice, bulghur, and dried veggies. So I would like to prioritize their consumption in the coming weeks. That is my mental note for today.

My interest in designing new projects continues. Now that I have had all bunch of different projects implemented in my life (decluttering, budgeting, saving money, being frugal, using coupons and discounts, shopping bans, baking bread, taking the bus or walking to go to work, etc.), I am naturally looking for new ones. It excites me, learning about this kind of things, planning, putting an effort to implement them, monitoring my progress, and then improving it if I am still interested in (remember the #superduperleanspendingmonth that I left in two weeks or so because it did not work out for me? 🙂 it is okay every once a while). 

I now am interested in reducing my waste. I have checked a couple of sites and it sounds like I have a lot of extra waste at my hand: I still use paper towel when needed (for cleaning the bathroom for example), wet-disposable clothes for cleaning the sinks and the floor, facial tissue/napkin after meals. I do not compost, though I do recycle paper and other items accepted by our city. I donate what I do not need/use anymore and shop from thrift or second-hand stores as appropriate. I re-use the plastic/nylon shopping bags as garbage liners. I reduced my food waste quite a bit by shopping small amounts (store is 5 min away from me – so it is easy to stop by more than once a week). But I still have waste (1 large garbage bag/week – not too much but it can be less).

So what do I do about it?

I think I should keep reading and continue to be inspired by others’ experience. I will also have a careful look at what my waste and garbage includes. I really want to compost but I will have to see whether I can do this inside the house (no worms or anything) – if I want it to be a continuous activity I must find the most practical way to do so even during our harsh winter.

So these are my new plans 🙂

Shoot a comment if you have ideas to help me reduce my waste/garbage!

random thoughts

Three more days till my two weeks holidays time off 🙂 I cannot wait!

Honestly, I am done with work. I have things to do but enough is enough. I have been working very hard and made a good attempt to finish ongoing work. I will make one last push tomorrow and Wednesday, and then I will take Thursday off (even though it is not  apart of our holidays). I deserve this extra day 🙂

I have done the majority of my shopping by taking advantage of the sales, though I still would love to check trousers and get one or two if they are on sale. Other than that, I have no need for shopping and I feel good about this. Of course I have many socials to attend, especially this week, which kind of makes me bored already, but I will go through it. The exciting things will be to declutter my home, clean it up, and get some time for myself.

I have quite a reflection to do and the holidays have always been the best time for me to do so… This year has been full of ups and downs…. While on the average it was one year that I have had felt happy, it was also the one that brought me the most profound sadness; my dad has passed away this year.. May he rest in peace…. I did not know what sadness was prior to this and I had never appreciated life as much I have since my dad’s death…My dad has given me life and also taught me the best lesson ever by his death; that I must appreciate life while I have it…. How could I not feel this before, when he was alive? He has seen me mostly depressed and fed up with life; that feels so unfair to him… But I am sure he would love to see me now with this new zest towards life.

I am also older now and getting close to 50 🙂 hah haaa. I have never thought I would but here I am! With age comes change in the body as well as in the attitude towards anything really. I appreciate my family and I still care about my work, but I want to have a better and healthier life-style overall. I am losing weight slowly but steadily, which is good. My mood is overall better, which is awesome. I must continue to care for my back and keep doing my stretches and light weight training, which have been really good for me. I want to get better at sewing and start doing some serious projects, which I hope the holidays will be a good opportunity to do so. I am still keen about saving and paying down my mortgage, but I am not going to get too enthusiastic about it and would like to make it a priority to enjoy my life and care for people I love…

It looks like I have little new projects for the new year. This somehow bothers me (i.e. does not excite me that much) but I would like to think positive. Perhaps this is an opportunity to go with the flow. Who knows, maybe I will develop new interests and projects without thinking about them? After all my two current interest, blogging and sewing, were never planned and were just spontaneously born 🙂

joy journal – May 25, 2016

1. I am grateful for waking up feeling alright 🙂 This is a rare occasion and I fully appreciated it. I am so very grateful for this feeling 🙂

2. I am grateful for taking the bus this morning. Weather was awesome and i went to work by wearing a jacket rather than winter coats! 🙂 is that not great?

3. I am grateful for working well. I was distracted by a couple of meetings here and there, but all worked out well. One of my team members and I are working on a challenging project. he moved it quite a bit but then like any other things that are done for the first time, we needed to in detail check our approach, methods, and the assumptions/limitations. It is no fun and both my team member and I were quite annoyed but also somehow excited. Once this “confidence building” phase is over, then we will be able to move really fast. I must explain this to my team member better as he is frustrated that we are still not clear about our approach. Fortunately (!), this is a necessary part of the process and we will be done with this phase soon. It is good to have experiences! 🙂

4. I am grateful for my coffee – what a blessing to be able to have an office that allows me to brew coffee whenever I wish 🙂

5. I am grateful for walking back to home early afternoon and continuing to work at home.

6. I am grateful for seeing the nice flower that bloomed in my yard today 🙂

7. I am grateful for chatting with one of my neighbours while I spent time in my yard.

8. I am grateful for my back feeling better and being pain free.

9. I am grateful for not eating too much today 🙂

10. I am grateful for spending the evening and the night relaxing and also reading and writing about my work plans – things are getting clear as I continue to reflect on them. And as they get clear, I also realize how much we have progressed in our projects – that is a great feeling, very satisfying and encouraging. I also realize that I am in a better shape than I thought I was 🙂 talking about self-confidence!

11. I am grateful for being excited about a report at my hand, which I plan to finish in the coming two weeks or so. I really would like to end it before I leave for my vacation so that once I am back, I can focus on new stuff. Finishing things and having its satisfaction are awesome, so are starting new things and experiencing their excitement 🙂

12. I am grateful for it raining today – I did not have to water my seeds 🙂

13. I am grateful for tomorrow being one more day close to the weekend, when I am planning to shop for my yard 🙂

14. I am grateful for the water that quenches my thirst, the food that I can afford and nourishes my body, and my home that provides me a safe shelter.

15. I am grateful for being grateful and finding the opportunity and time to write my joy journal today 🙂

random thoughs

Yesterday I missed the bus again. If only I had 30 more seconds, I could catch it! Alas… I decided to walk to the office and to my surprise it was not difficult and I did not complain about walking!

It was a great idea to remove the extra items from my purse on Sunday. Together with switching to walking shoes (from heavy winter boots), it felt very easy to walk. This feeling has contributed largely to my non-complaining mood 🙂

I walked this morning, too.

So, together with my afternoon walks, this means I am physically active around 1 hour each day – this is fantastic!

I hope to continue like this; only that we expect some rain tonite and tomorrow. I will see how it goes.

It was a quiet and an easy day today; the only stressful thing was a three hours meeting in the afternoon. We assessed a project together with two other colleagues of mine. I am very happy with the professional and smooth discussions we have had. One of the colleagues and I have had frictions in the past, the recent one was last week, which kind of stressed me. But we all behaved and the meeting went without an adverse event or comment, which is very pleasing.

I continue to eat better. Yesterday I have had salad and fish for dinner and today a hearty potato salad. I feel better when I eat veggies. I decided to buy apples and other fruits this week; crunchy and raw food is good for me. Now that I also walk in the morning, together with a better diet, I hope to lose one or two pounds here or there.

I have completed a number of lagging tasks lately and now moving towards new work. I need to come up with new ideas; honestly I feel stuck but I know myself; when I relax and trust myself, then I can come up with great ideas. I have been trying to think in the last few days and I have taken some new steps to initiate a few ideas I have been thinking about. This is good as once I start making connections or talk about new projects, the rest usually follows. This is too pleasing. Nevertheless, I am not done yet and would like to come up with better, bigger ideas.

When I started my job here years ago, I was almost burnt out. I was tired and also everything was new to me. I also was recovering from a serious issue. I was scared that I could not perform and deliver. But to my surprise I have. I took chances and risks and I delivered. It was hard though, usually meaning me working around 14 hours a day. In the few last year, I have been slowing down; working less and paying more attention to my life, which is also great. But this also meant that I am delayed a little bit. I also feel inefficient or unsuccessful. This is silly I know but I also know that I can do much better. I guess I am in a phase that I am motivated to start working really hard again. And hard work I will get.

Anyways, life is good and full of opportunities. Let’s go get them! 🙂

random thougths

We have had another bright day with blue sky; I cannot complain 🙂

The day was busy with 3 meetings; one lasted 30 min; the second lasted 1 hour 45 min; and the last one lasted 1.5 hrs and ended right at 5pm.

Argh – sitting during these meetings is challenging, yet today I was feeling okay. The last meeting went very well actually and we had some progress. Progress always makes it worth attending the meetings 🙂

My mood is better because of that last meeting of the day. It has been about a project that I have been preparing for over a year. So far, I have had presented it once and it was trashed very badly, which had made me feel very bad and angry… I had felt humiliated…. That is a horrible feeling – it had taken me a couple of days to deal with these emotions.

Anyways, today, we met again and with new people from other agencies, it actually got some level of interest. I owe most of this to a colleague of mine, who was I part of the project from the beginning on – his insight (he is an expert of one of the components of the project) and support for the project have helped convince others that there was some kind of value to the project. Eventually, we did not get any financial support yet, we have come up with some initial strategies that I and my colleague need to go thru. These initial steps then may help with further development.

I am indebted to my colleague’s support and the past bad experience that made me move with more confidence and make a better presentation today. If I had believed that I and the project I worked on had deserved to be trashed (the way they made me feel after the first meeting), I would have quit and not even meet today again. But, I did not. I believed in me and the project. In a way, that negative and horrible experience somehow triggered me to be more confident about myself and the project. I love that.

It seems sometimes, failure and the horrible ways others make you feel can be really useful 🙂

random thoughts

Life is interesting; I happen to get this impression time to time.

Today I am once again aware of this because something nice happened. Let me tell you:

For some time now I have been working on developing a project, which I halted time to time, sometime for months. I was very displeased with myself for doing this; I believe I have ranted about this earlier.

Lately, for this project I had contacted a colleague of mine to ask whether she would like to be a part of the project. I did not think she would say no, but I did not think she would like to add and lead a unique component to it, either. She did and now we have a project way better than before!

All these times I did beat myself for not taking care of this task…

All these times that I ranted about my own performance…..

All these times that I found myself inefficient or with poor performance….

None matters now.

As a matter of fact, now I am glad that I delayed this project (unknowingly) so that it could develop into this wonderful one.

Life is good, my friends 🙂

random thoughts

A chilly day with an expectation of heavy snow tonite and tomorrow; we may as well have our first snow day of the year.

How do I feel? Under different conditions I would be excited to, yet I am not. It turns out I am supposed to sign a letter tomorrow. So back to office  I am tomorrow unless there is a seriously bad snow storm.

Honestly, I would not care much. This week too I have come home early from the office to work within the peaceful and atmosphere of my house. I have had a breakthrough in my approach to a big document yesterday, which has been nagging me for almost a year. A year…. What a, uhm… unusual and ridiculous thing that I experienced….

I am responsible of course for this delay.. I came up with the idea, wrote the document, formed a team, made a budget; then got feedback and revamped it, changed the idea, changed the scope, changed the budget; got another feedback and realized it was not clear; re-wrote it, re-changed the scope, re-changed the budget; and then I realized it still was not good enough because I was not able to get a sense of it; it had changed so much that it looked like a patchwork with no clear design, flow, or scope.

Thus, I did not work on it for months, always feeling the pressure and low self-esteem its delay created on me. I felt so inefficient. So not like myself.

Then, yesterday eventually I had a day with no other important thing to do and I started working on it. From the beginning. The text is now better, clear, and impactful. Very good – I was in love with my performance yesterday 🙂 I am not done yet I still need to polish it. I also need to fix the budget and other associated documents. I can do this – I have come this far, I can go even further.

It is just a matter of time and mental clarity + motivation now.

random thoughts

It is Friday 🙂 lovely and sunny. Could not ask for a whether-wise better day. The forecast for the weekend is amazing as well. I am planning to clean the yard, specifically some unwanted growth here and there. That will feel good.

I had a very unfruitful meeting in the morning about a new project I was developing. I need support and the type of support I can get from them is not useful. There are so many black boxes here and there that it bothers me; some information is available to only a small portion of the people. Would it not be better if it was accessible by everyone? At the end these programs are there to support everyone (they say), but when comes to action, nothing much. Sigh.

I am frustrated and although I am feeling on the edge (nerve-wise), I know it is also good for me. I have been reaching to people to get their support and learn from their experiences. It is now at a stage that I cannot go further with them or without them. Time for me to take the action and then evolve from there. Inaction is the thing that I dread most right now and interestingly my frustration elevates my energy higher, not reducing it.

End of waiting and being dependent on others. I can do this, this way or that way. Better than not moving at all.

I said it. I better act on it.

decision making is hard sometime

Sometime I can make a decision right away. I am talking about daily-life related decisions, such as what to buy, what not to do, how to have my relaxing routine etc.

At work as well; if it is clear and I am knowledgeable or experienced about, I can make a decision in a split second. I am sure many of us behave like this.

Then, there are other decisions, other situations that require a little bit more reflection. In such cases, if the knowledge and prior experience is not available, I found the best thing is to wait a while to re-examine the situation and then make a decision. Surely, others’ opinions I sometime ask or I do my own research, or just listen to my guts. I started this strategy a while ago when I experienced a set-back when I did not re-visit the situation and made a deficient decision. Since then, I practice this “wait and re-visit” policy.

Sometimes, just sometimes though it is not clear to me how much I should reflect, how long I should spend reflecting or re-examining the situation. These times I feel like having a “mental paralysis” which is not fruitful at all. It is also very painful and is draining. Damage to the confidence should be acknowledged as well. Plus, I have to deal with my own self-critique that blasts me all the time.

Sometimes, I just gave up. Not in the sense that I do not care, but in the sense that I accept the limitations of my decisions or the possible consequences. In those times, I believe doing something is better than not doing anything.

So today I made a decision on one of the projects that I had stopped because of an issue. That is an exciting project with very promising results. There is a way to fix the issue, yet this itself may create more problems. So I decided to rather go ahead with minor modifications, which although will not resolve the issue, will at least get the project completed with a little bit of limitation. That is quite a relief.

I am seriously relieved. I know in a couple of weeks I can prioritize that project and finish it. That makes me happy 🙂

issues, resilience, and strength

I kept mentioning house and work related issues I have.

these are actually potentially serious issues, but I am at “watch and see how they will develop as long as you do not run away from them and get opinions from others”. For some of the issues, waiting mean to see whether the issue will get worse, which will require action (such as a significant repair at home). I have been doing that; I am keeping an eye on the crack on one of my walls – whether it is a foundational issue or a regular “expansion” thing that happens when the weather gets warmer is not known. Wishful watching is the current recommendation, which I am doing everyday. If I detect that the crack is getting worse, I know who to call to get the repairs started.

Some work-related issues need the involvement and expert opinion of others, which I have sought already. Some of these issues are because of me not knowing every single detail, which now can impact the projects. I am not blaming myself for not knowing these; I did my best when I started the projects. I am a meticulous person and would not miss not even one possibility of risk. Sometimes I just do because I am not aware of them. That is an example of such a situation. There may be consequences to me, my work, and other people working with me and I will take the responsibility, but I am hoping it will not go in there and we will be able to resolve and fix the issues.

I kind of am amazed by myself that in the midst of all these issues, I keep calm. I am not sure what causes this unexpected but welcome mental calmness. Under different situations, I would think I would feel crashed. I am grateful that I am not feeling this way. Certainly something to be very happy and appreciative of.

I only today thought that these issues and how I reacted to them are actually great preparations for my future issues and projects. This gives me confidence. I am working on a big project that will be a huge responsibility more than any other undertakings of mine and I was thinking “how am I going to deal with this responsibility, knowing how antsy and meticulous I am (being meticulous means I consider many different details at a level that maybe majority of my colleagues would not, and consider all the risks and gaps, which naturally cause anxiety and mood swings)”.

Now I feel like I can handle things; if I can handle my current issues then I can handle the future ones. Keeping finger crossed. Keeping positive.

There comes a moment in one’s life that one must accept they may not full-fill what they aimed to

I have been working on a project idea. It was about a relatively new subject, where I have no expertise, but I am keen on doing it. I have been writing, thinking, and researching about it for around 2 months. The more I learnt the details of the procedure, the more I realized I do not have the expertise or wisdom to lead this project.

I have two options: either to talk to others with appropriate expertise, who would like to take over this project, or to reduce the scope of the project to 1/5th that I can put an effort to lead and finish.

Since I have been struggling to formulate this project and realistically did not see myself fit to lead it, I have not been moving the proposal, either. That bothers me; I thought at first I was just being lazy; but now I think it is because deep down I know it is not a good idea to move forward. I think I should stop here and take action.

Time to talk to others to see whether anyone else would like to take this project, where I am happy to lead one part I am okay with. If not, I will reduce its scope.

a thought on the necessity of letting go

When is it the time to let go off something?

I have a number of projects going on by my unit. Some of them work really good and some others do not. That is not something new or unique to me.

Sometimes, for the sake of better, bigger, or more promising projects, old, stagnating, and problematic projects need to be ended. I have decided today that I did not need any more struggle for a project of mine – it moved with the effort of a staff, very well actually. But when it came to organize the results obtained by this project, we hit a hard road. It has been some number of months. Enough is enough – the headache and extra time and effort I put into it is not worth anything any more.

It is a pity that we will not further pursue this project; a lot of exciting things could have been done, but prolonged hardship and negativity erases the motivation and removes the priority, especially when there are more exciting stuff, like new projects.

I did not make this decision very easily or suddenly; I have been thinking about it for some time. Finally, today with no regret, I made the decision.

It was the right thing to do.

And it feels right.

joy journal – Dec 11, 2014

I am grateful for a lot of things today;

1. I am grateful for missing writing my joy journal yesterday – yes I did not have time to do so, I wish I had. But I am pleased to see that I miss it – that once again verifies that writing things/people/events that make me grateful/joyful/happy makes me feel better (about my life).

2. I am grateful for recent lessons learnt about home repairs; Never pay someone for a job undone; a part of the repairs left to be done even though I wrote the cheque for all repairs. What I think is best may not be the best (i.e. the job I wanted to be done)- alternative solutions exist, even though the job remains undone (i.e. delay for a better outcome, I hope). Each frustration is a chance to learn more; the more I learn about my house and its needs, the more I can do for it over time.

3. Despite these lessons, there are many positive ones, too, and I am grateful for them; for example, watching the men doing the work is a learning opportunity and also enforces them do better job I guess. Now that I have at least a company who did the major repairs, I can hope to work with them in future should there be a problem again. Trusting the company to do the remaining work is not necessarily bad thing – it is a naive move but also tells me how unworried I become about such things.

4. I am grateful for taking the bus in the morning – yesterday and this morning. As long as it is not late morning and the weather is not pouring or too icy, I can keep doing this. It is easy, fast, and very affordable.

5. I am grateful for the newly appreciated ability to spend time at home in the morning – I thought I could not even spend even 10 minutes waiting to go to work – the last two days proved that to be wrong. That is pretty awesome with really great consequences for me (such as taking the bus even if it is scheduled 20 min. later).

6. I am grateful for walking yesterday and today from office back to home. That is good for my health, seriously 🙂 Today it was raining but I did still walk.

7. I am grateful for eating salad yesterday and today; again this is very good for me.

8. I am grateful for the soups I had yesterday and today; they were warm, nourishing, and tasty. cannot think about a better treat for chilly winter than soups.

9. I am grateful for tomorrow being Friday – this has been a week to be celebrated (a lot of positive things happened that deserve to be recognized); I will spend time with my friends tomorrow evening. That is awesome. It is gonna be fun.

10. Two short-term projects that required my attention half of the week since the start of the fall are completed this week; no more hassle. More time for other, bigger projects.

11. I have got extraordinary evaluations today; it was the highest I have got so far and I am really motivated to do better. It is a game-changer; I guess I am getting more confident now. I had tried new things and really put effort for a 2-hours work, which led me get this evaluations. A job well done and I know next time I will be more confident and do better.

12. I am grateful for listening to others and ask/get their opinions. This is one of the most effective ways to improve a new skill/task I undertake. Keep going.

13. I am grateful for only 12 days remaining till the holidays and my 11 days off. I really want this time to myself. My biggest excitements are the breakfasts I plan to have every morning in my favourite cafe, shopping, and attending socials. Cannot wait.

14. I am grateful for sleeping well yesterday – it really makes a difference.

15. I am grateful for my new jacket – its colour gives me joy, it keeps me warm, and its size is just right. A real delight.

16. I am grateful for not missing anyone desperately nowadays – maybe the work-load, maybe the new interests, I did not hurt much recently.

17. I am grateful for participating in a forum and supporting people who are going through now what I have gone through a while ago. There is a value in showing understanding and supporting, even though none of us know each other. It is a truly valuable experience.

18. I am grateful I am sleepy now – I can guarantee a nice sleep tonite, too.

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