random thoughts

Interesting times.

I am working like h..l again, but at least I can get motivated about it. I have two project applications to make in two weeks and it makes me excited only because I am almost done with one of them, and another one is nearly 50% done. I feel that one of them will get acceptance – is this realistic?

No.

But hope is a beautiful thing.

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It is my conclusion that only 10% of my efforts are to move forward…. This is a very conservative estimation, but it does not hurt. As a matter of fact, accepting the fact that many of my efforts will not be fruitful is somehow healthy; it helps me with dealing with the rejection.

There is a strange relationship between anticipation and hope and reality and feeling insensitive.

One or the other; hope versus insensitivity. Anticipation versus reality.

Which one do we want to have?

Hurt GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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Saturday morning musings

It is a beautiful morning 🙂 Birds are flying, trees are washing with the breeze, sun is warming and inviting, and coffee is just great 🙂

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When we grow up we listen to a lot of fairy tales. After a period of hardship, difficulty, and loss of hope, lost of great things, opportunities, and beautiful things happen in those tales. I once or twice reacted to this in my adult life, saying that the reality is in fact not like this and they fooled us by believing in that everything will be beautiful at the end. I felt like these tales were not representative of real life.

Today I think a little bit differently. I think we needed these tales to realize that things can turn to better way. That we should have hope and faith that things can and will be better in the future. It is not realistic to assume this is always to case, but the truth is that there is a chance that it will turn better and we must believe in this and find some kind of relief, hope, and optimism, rather than dwelling into negative chaos. 

So I repeat this sentence since yesterday:

“Everything will be great”

To recognize this chance and shift the focus of my mind from negativity to positivity. It worked this morning and may work at other times. I will use my chances. After all life is all about learning, experiences, growing, shifting, and most importantly about noticing and enjoying everything it can offer to us. 

And today I enjoy not only my coffee, but being alive, safe, healthy, and the well being of my loved ones.

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sometimes it is best to leave the love behind

It is all good, I promise.

Skip the 1st part and scroll down to the second half should you prefer not to hear about the drama.

(honestly, I too would like to leave this drama behind…).

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My mom was very upset that I returned Jamie the cat back. My sister and my brother too. They highly recommended me take it back.

Did I not want it?

With each day I have been feeling a little bit better, but I am still emotional about that innocent, mystical live-being.

Anyways, my mom forced (!) me to go back to the shelter. And I did. Not to take him back, but to inquire what would happen to him, and if he was to be killed, to re-adopt him (I thought what I could offer him would be better than death for this young, lovely cat). They assured me again that he would not be killed unless he has behavioral problems or gets sick. There were cats that have been living there for 3 years 🙂

I could not completely believe, but got happy anyhow! 🙂 Jamie will not die because of me and he has got a lot of opportunities to be adopted 🙂

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Why am I telling you these?

Not to continue with my recent drama, but to note something that I realized.

By chance, I saw my friend at the shelter; she is a regular there. She told me one thing that I cannot forget.

She said Jamie was not the right cat for me.

I was still defensive and said I was not the right owner for him.

Now I am thinking; she was right. It felt right. Jamie the cat and I were not right for each other. if it was so, we would be happy and comfortable together.

In the past too I have had experiences like this when I was not 100% sure and got conflicted about whether or not to take a step (like adopting Jamie).

In the future I hope to remember this: if I find myself stretching too much for someone/something, and if I am not 100% comfortable, I will stop myself and walk away.

While there is room for development in all of us, if it is too much of a concern around it, it is best to leave the love behind. There will always be others.

And long-live the friends 🙂

And if i want to help animals, then I better donate to shelters and stop eating them for sometime…

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

the dream

I had a terrifying dream this morning.

I was in another city, another place, and another workplace (different building). My boss was the same and she told me that I was let go….. I could not understand this for a moment and after the initial shock, I felt so horrible. There were more junior people in my work place who did not perform as well as me. I had international recognition and often get invited to give talks. My team members were doing great too with their own and somehow unique and extraordinary activities and performances. So why was I let go? Because they preferred to keep people from this city?

It was so real, this dream. I felt insecure (I should have been a poor member of the organization otherwise I would not be asked to leave), angry (because it was not true that I was bad – I am not well known where I am but other places do know me), and mine and my team’s performances metrics are so good.

See, I woke up angry, confused, and feeling horrible, and after realizing it was a dream, I immediately felt grateful that it was just a dream..

This is so ironic in some ways, but then also such an eye opener. Reason? Only last week or so, I wrote a post about how I would not mind being let go if my workplace gives me a nice sum of severance package…

Man… No, I do not want to be fired. I do not wish to lose my job. I do not wish to be without my job. No matter how much I do not appreciate/like where I am.

As horrifying as it was, this dream was the one that cured my dull thoughts at least for now. Grateful.

 

confusion of love

poem

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I read a story yesterday
there was love as I dream it
it pained me sort of, perplexed
I recognized the love in the text
but not the one that we had
was it love, darling?
what we had;
was it love?
………………..
what was love, darling?
……………….
in my dream
or in my deem
there was no love, darling
that was not a dream
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The life in the diary – II

Fiction

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January 26, 2013 – continued

I came home. As I predicted, yes I have cried as soon as I left my doctor’s office. There were people around, I am sure they knew why. I did not care – there is a sweet freedom in not caring what others think.

Yet I was shaky; eyes wet, feet dragging each other. I felt the need to distract, pamper myself. I think I bought a cup of coffee and a muffin from the Second Cup located on the main floor of the hospital. Patients, visitors, staff, and nurses/doctors are all mixed up in the line up. It is interesting how we all wait our turn – no matter what we are, how we are. Just yesterday I was in the same line up, all tensed up and absent minded thinking about the work, the issues, and how to get over them. Yesterday, it turns out, had been a fine day.

My misery today is due the prospect of future desperation. What am I going to do? This question is brutal… Particularly when I do not know the answer. When there is no one around to ask a hand. I will have to figure out a lot of things myself… Maybe it is good. Maybe it will force me to get out of my chain of thoughts. What else can I hope for?

I walked up to home; half crying, half hurrying. Home is as usual welcoming and warm. I just threw myself on the couch, holding my face between my hands, my legs crawled to my belly.

I cried like an unborn child.

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The life in the diary – II

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

The life in the diary – I

Fiction

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October 8, 2014

I do not know what to say any more – I felt like whatever I thought so far, I put in writing.
Though it is possible that if I had written more,  I could have discovered more. Said more. I just cannot continue.
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January 26, 2013

My doctor is optimistic; she says I will be fine at no time. It came back, so what?  I am not worried, I have done this before. Yet, I know as soon as I step out of the door, I will start crying. Because it feels unfair.

The first days are complete shock. Being told that you are sick and need immediate medical care is….weird or something…..Its meaning is so thick, so heavy; reality does not sink for some time.

After that, it changes you though. Priorities change for one; I do not care about work that much for example; it does not fill in my entire mind or future worries. No. Neither the fences that I was planning to paint nowadays. I do not care. Let them rot. I hope though I will not lose my job along the way; I need the insurance and the salary. That is the most critical thing I need to keep now.

Will I need someone to care for me at home? Will I be able to find someone to do so? Can I afford it? Who will shop or cook for me? Will I be able to find any friends around me?
But no; let’s not think about these yet.

Not yet.

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The life in the diary – I

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