one of these awesome days

One of these days that I am calm and feeling good about myself and the work.

One of my team members and I finished a big project today, which was on the go for 3.5 years. I cannot believe. She made that happen and she is leaving soon to move on with a better career. I could not be happier and more proud of her. May she always find success, happiness, and support in life. She has got my full blessing.

I feel like accomplished now a little bit and am feeling hopeful and excited about my work again. Results of this project will be used in many other projects and noone in the world has ever produced such results. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing what a unique and exciting project this was. I must be happy and proud of myself as well!

This realization brings me some sort of confidence and excitement – I have done very well indeed. There is hope that I will sign under the many more difficult and exciting projects. This is such a much needed feeling for me. I would not be surprised if I shed some tears out of joy 🙂

Now I have space for future projects and my calendar is more permissive to move on with others that I have been planning. Happiness! 🙂

I have four presentations to do withing the next four weeks – two of them being this week. I am ready for them. The other two, on the other hand, needs work. Ok – I can do this! After that my next biggest task will be writing a new type of report, which I am looking forward to. It will be challenging at the beginning, we have been keeping it under the radar for some time, and now I will have time to work on it. Something fresh, interesting, and developing me further as a professional. Excitement!

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I was telling one of my friends today that I wonder how I and my life will develop in the next three years. I know that I have been changing my approach to others at work, becoming a little bit more focused on my own interests and reducing my commitment to others’ work, being interested in challenging and developing myself by taking new roles and responsibilities, becoming more assertive, and most importantly, questioning my own look at my life. I told my friend today that I sometimes think about resignment. Not that I want to but I guess it is one way to free myself from all the little issues and attitudes that bother me. Thinking about resignment gives me some kind of relief from the current issues. It also helps me with un-attaching myself from work. I was always overly committed to work and as such have ignored the other important things in life.

What are the important things in life?

Certainly my family is important.

I am important.

It is time that I let these realizations sink into my mind…

It is exciting that I am curious about my future, don’t you think? 🙂 This is certainly becoming an exciting anticipation for me – I want my future to be better, happier, healthier, and more meaningful. I want to have dreams and plans. I want to do different things. I want to feel good about myself and my frequent efforts to do so!

May the next days bring joy, success, happiness, health, and good people, experiences, memories, and opportunities to all of us 🙂

 

#1 topic for reflection during holidays

I need to protect my time better at the office and let others do their work. Not me. I repeat, I should not be doing others work.

Period.

Since last July I have done well preserving my energy to mostly my own work. That costed me my 5 weeks of annual leave being spent at home working hard to do my own work. What a ridiculous situation… I still do not know whether I should be laughing or crying over this.

On the positive side, however, it is good that I have realized this and prioritized my work and performance over other colleagues’.

During the holidays you know I like to reflect to improve things in my life. This will be area #1 to further improve.

More to come.

forgetting the positive things

I have ranted quite a bit lately about my performance and daily struggles (for example here and here).

As someone who is quite critical of herself, I sure know better than this about myself. I know for example, while I was feeling overwhelmed lately, I kept doing things, especially at work. They may not be the fastest I have ever worked on, but I have nevertheless done several great things.

I have for example completed and submitted an important document by one of my team members for review – this task has been on my to-do-list for almost a year (that explains why I was feeling inefficient with it). While I took the entire responsibility, I forgot that I only have driven it ahead during the last one year. I diligently worked on it, gave my feedback, straightened up, revised and revised… Without my efforts, it could not have been done. So, why not to realize this and celebrate my efforts instead?

Similarly, I have had another document at my hand for sometime now; it has been on my to-do-list for again almost a year. I moved quite a bit and then stopped due to trips and other technical reasons. I just clarified an important point this Monday and from now on there is nothing that keeps me from completing it. So, let me celebrate the removal of these hurdles, all by my own efforts.

There are so many others like this; some of these remained undone so far partly because of me but mostly because of dependence on others. I can only beat myself up for the delays on my side, but not for the delays due to other people…. I am guilty of not taking care of stuff on a timely manner, but I am not guilty of checking things with others (which caused the majority of the delays) – I tried to get to the bottom of everything and do the right thing before some gray areas present themselves as problems in the future. This, now I realize, requires celebration, not beating up myself…

Interestingly, an issue I resolved this Monday also helped with another task delayed mostly because of me (I have no good excuse for delaying this task…). Perhaps, that delay was then helpful, not detrimental.. Another thing to be grateful about….

In the last 3 months, I have done so much – I thought about them today and I liked what I have seen. For example, I have delivered several speeches to colleagues, one particularly got many positive feedback. That I should particularly congratulate myself for..

Yes, there have been delays. Yes, I have not moved things forward as fast as I would like to. But I have done something, some great things in between.

I am getting a more clear picture of things today (at least for my job-related feelings), which is very helpful. I just needed to stop and look back and evaluate things… Taking the afternoon off just for this purpose seems to have just helped this progress in my thinking…

This is the highlight for today 🙂

random thoughts

It a beautiful crispy and sunny fall day again 🙂

The beauty around the weekends (or no work day) is the freedom that it gives in terms of how you would like to spend your day, the absence of rush of the work or work environment, and the possibility of having nice conversations and get-togethers with friends and family.

I also like the feeling of “taking care of myself” feeling – whether it is shopping for grocery, cooking a nice meal, cleaning my house, or handling other stuff related to our daily life.

Taking care of ourselves is a must and although I often times forget this, especially when I work, I love doing the activities that remind me that I am on track.

I used to have a great relationship with food, always looking for diversity and nutrition. It was a pleasure going to the stores and finding excellent veggies, fruits, and others. I would find myself often grateful for everything that is available to me and for being able to afford them. I am still hugely grateful for these, but something is missing really…

Over the years, my priority changed from taking care of myself to taking care of work. It is a mistake if you ask me. Those who follow my blog knows that I love my job; it is interesting, keeping me engaged and being productive, the work I do I believe benefit many people and humanity as a whole. The satisfaction coming out of it is incredible and I am very grateful for having this work-line.

I have been feeling, rightfully, though it is now time to switch to “taking care of myself” mode. I have been struggling with this for some time (my healthy life-style journal and breaking the routine page is a good example) but I keep going. Not everything is perfect but I am putting a continuous effort. I am determined to do better for myself and although I lack better and newer ideas, I believe I will do better over time.

They say it is not the end point but the journey that matters, that is valuable. Perhaps that is true in my case. I have seen quite positive changes with my other efforts (conscious spending plan is an excellent example) – I have more or less functional plan that excites me and yields positive and immediately observable outcomes. I need to see over years how it goes and how it helps me to handle financial problems and enables me to retire comfortably. I am grateful for doing this so far and the hope and confidence it gives me now.

Of course, I would like to see the same progress I have with my conscious spending plan with the healthy life style plan. I have been thinking; I am not sure what the reasons behind me not losing weight as I used to, but age is one factor. And of course I should not forget the effect of the trips and my mentality that promotes unlimited eating freedom during the trips (I seem to have gained 8 pounds back in a week). I wonder why I can do so well with the budgeting but not better life style?

Perhaps it is the fact that with budgeting I can see a progress in my finances in a week, while with the weight loss, it is kind of tricky. I remember when I had walk on to the scale a couple of weeks ago and seeing an 8 pound difference and how it had made me feel accomplished and more motivated to keep doing…..

Going back to the idea of “not the end points but the journey matters“, I believe that what I am going thru with my healthy life style plan should be a teacher for me, I should be noticing things about myself and my life as a whole. Perhaps I am aiming for the wrong things (i.e. weight loss) than the beauty of having a healthy life, with great food, exercise, and stretching. Perhaps I am hard on myself and put the weight loss as an indicator of the success of my plan…..

Considering that is possibly the reason (I have implemented many good things as part of this plan, such as walking more, especially in the morning, started stretching, eating whole and healthier food, cutting out bread and carbs from my diet, and supplementing my diet with calcium and vitamin D and milk, both of which are great help for my bone health) is in fact an eye opener.

Perhaps what I should focus on is all the good things I have done for my body and physical health, rather than the mere weight loss.

have a great weekend everyone 🙂

challenges, budgeting, and recent realizations

I am kinda excited about a couple of things regarding the challenges I assigned to myself:

The main thing is that even though I fall thru the cracks time to time, I keep trying to implement these changes.

Consider my (often painful) efforts to take the bus rather than the cab. Two weeks ago, I did it four day/week but last week none.. This morning I tried it again and I am motivated (for now). Taking the cab is convenience and satisfaction for me, taking the bus is inconvenience but good for my budget (and the environment).

Another thing I do is to keep reading about budgeting, saving, investing and most importantly, preparing a detailed budget and keeping track of it. For years now I kept recording all my expenses everyday. However, I hardly itemized them or gave them a cap amount. This time, for example I have a weekly discretionary allowance of $200 for daily expenses, breakfast, and grocery shopping (this may look like a big amount, but where I am fresh produce is very expensive and this amount also includes expenses related to cleaning products and self-pampering expenses such as the books and stationary items).

With the maximum amount of weekly allowance and keeping track of all expenses using an Excel document, I am very aware of how much funds I have left. So far I have spent 3/4th of my allowance till Friday, so I am not interested in making other expenses yet; I will see whether I can keep doing so for this week and the weeks to come.

One more breakthrough I have had lately, thanks to the detailed budget, was to realize that in terms of having a modest life-style and investing in my retirement plans I was doing above good. My biggest problem was to keep up with the expensive house repairs and to have some funds in my chequeing account. And to do the latter, I really needed to be frugal with my variable expenses, such as my weekly allowance, possibly for a couple of years. This is a long time, but I will see what I can do. I know I can do this and with each increase in the available funds, I am more motivated to move forward. Of course, there is a chance of an unexpected and required expense that may throw my saved funds and motivation out of the window, but until then, let me keep this wonderful feeling.

And just yesterday, I realized I should be considering even saving $200 as a major accomplishment. I have a tendency to calculate yearly expenses or savings, which I do not consider it as a major savings if it is not bigger than $3,000-$4,000. I was reading a book yesterday which said “have respect for your money“. That was the sentence that helped make me change my opinion on the “significant amount”.

Wishing to keep discovering about myself, my spending and saving habits, and my abilities to respect my hard-earned money.

random thoughts

1. Writing is therapeutic. yes I am not having a blast of good feelings when I think about the possible consequences of my current issues. I want to repeat several times “I will be fine. Whatever happens, maybe not right after, but certainly after a while lessons learnt and my experiences will help me to go in a better direction, a better place in life”. Even writing this helps me to feel better. So please tolerate me writing this or similar sentences today or in the coming days.

2. Self-help books are useful in this sense. I find that the books that use the terms, such as “peaceful, welcoming, acceptance, harmony, etc.” have a positive effect on my psychology. I am aware that many thoughts, not necessarily positive ones, pass through our minds every moment. I believe reading such words and writing sentences as in (1) above, have a direct role in changing the thoughts going thru my mind and the feelings I have as a result of them.

3. Someone said today we need to be a little bit relax in our thinking and worries. I am a control freak, there is no question about that. And being a control freak and seeing possible risks/issues in future so that they can be prevented today are my characteristics. Now, a lot of people would find what I wrote about myself negative; trust me I understand why; because this kind of people are not easy or fun to work with. Yet, when a detailed, meticulous, and high-quality work is needed, such individuals like me can be very valuable. That is why I am okay with being a control freak. But do not get me wrong; it is not fun for me. I go through the anxiety and sometimes exhaustion of controlling things to my best as well as preventing or resolving issues.

4. Come to thing about it; risk assessment and preventing potential issues and errors are awesome; because they lessen the amount of trouble in future. See, I told you! Writing is therapeutic as it just occurred to me that the issues I am facing now could get worse if I had delayed facing them now. So, I should actually be okay with my current situation as long as I deal with them – a worse outcome is surely prevented!

I gotta write more so that I can understand myself and the big picture ahead of me.

lessons learnt and realizations

There are a few lessons I have got and realizations I have made today, after writing about how I felt nowadays in the previous post.

It is true that negative feelings, feeling down, thoughts, and worries are not fun to go through. Yet, they help to draw attention to issues not addressed or need to be addressed. I am grateful for them.

Here are what I have realized today:

1. I am a human being and as such, I try my best all the time. It is just that, time to time I cannot do that well. I cannot see the issues right away, even though I see them, I may ignore them to take care of more important things. Or, I may just not have enough energy to deal with many things all at the same time….

2. I have limited energy. I have energy and it is all right; but what I am trying to say is that at a given time, I gotta focus the energy I have on things important for me. Whether it is work, life, or being lazy.

3. yes, I have been feeling lazy time to time. When compared to before i.e. when I was younger, I am less physically active, less energetic, and more dormant. Especially at home. As soon as I come home from work, I focus on relaxing… Not necessarily a bad thing. Just conflicting. A lot of messages on media or in conversations with friends and colleagues focus on the importance of relaxing and having a “me” time. The question is when to stop having a “me” time to rather focus on issues.

4. I gotta arrange my life and my work schedule way better. I know under the circumstances, I have done my best. But in future I can do better. Some things need to change. Starting with my un-healthy life style. Eat better, exercise better, think better. And when it comes to work, I gotta stop undertaking more than I can. A healthy dose is needed.

5. My mind is clouded majority of the time. I lack the sharp focus I used to have. Age? being over-whelmed? What is the reason for that? How can I claim my sharp focus back? I have not figured out this one yet.

6. I noted patterns about my reaction to issues. I have a tendency to ignore them, until they come back bigger. I thought I was a control freak! 🙂 Obviously I am not. Maybe I should get more of a control freak to prevent ignoring issues. Again, that is in contrast to what many would say; that sometimes we need to let go and stop worrying… Now I see the worry as a sign that something requires my attention. I may not be aware of what it is, but I think it is the sub-conciousness that gives these signals.

7. Lessons learnt are valuable. realizations are valuable. Taking action to work towards a better experience in future is even more valuable. That is what I need to focus.

that is all I have to say for now. let me see whether I can come up with more stuff this evening 🙂

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