a year without dad

Today is the first anniversary of the death of my dad – May he rest in peace…

I have been dreading this day knowing that it would make me deeply remember my dad (for which I am grateful), my regrets of what I should have done or what I should not have done when he was alive (for which I came to realization that there is nothing to be done), and the sadness I experience  over his death (which is so vivid and continuous)…

I am very sorry that my dad and I did not spend more quality time together. That I could not be a good daughter for him. That I was not with him when he died.

Despite these, I also know that he loved me and looked after me all the time. He forgave me too, for things I should not have said or done. My father was a father alright.

Among all these turbulent emotions, I am glad for a couple of things, too. When my father died, one of the fears I had developed was to forget my dad. I am glad that this has not turned into reality. And lately I thought that when I died, he would guide me and welcome me to death. I know this is ridiculous but it so soothes me and makes me unafraid of death. I am still not interested in dying (when he died I developed fear of my own mortality), but when the time comes I hope I will remember this.

Rest in peace dad. I am sorry for a lot of things. You knew these and you still loved me. For that I am ashamed, awed, and grateful. You know I would not choose another dad, but you. I love you.

Till next time. 

 

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what is it with George RR Martin and love? – II

I am increasingly thinking that the author George RR Martin has the love and contradictions it causes in life as one of the central, if not the central, theme, in his book “A Game of Thrones”.

I am reading a Jon Snow chapter again where the Maester Aemon talks to Jon about the reason why the men of the Night Watch are sworn to not marry or father children (page 662). Simply put, he says that it is almost impossible to carry on a duty or being dedicated to a cause/honour unless love is eliminated from their life, otherwise at one point or the other, there will be a situation when one needs to choose (love over duty/honour, or vice versa) (to some extend of course, as their lives do not exclude the brotherly love they have for each other. I believe this is even necessary should they want to keep their order together).

Maester Aemon says that “we are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy“.

It is indeed, especially in this book.

I have not read the entire series of the books yet but so far, we have this theme meshed up in this saga in many different ways, by many different characters (Jamie Lannister, Ned Stark, King Robert).

Love is such a strong, influential feeling. I want to ask; when was the last time one has made a choice (right or wrong) for love, because of love?

On a separate note, I love it when Master Aemon says Jon that as someone who has gone through this choice before (after he makes it known to Jon that he is a Targaryen), he cannot say whether Jon should stay or go (at that time, Jon’s father Ned Stark has been arrested for treason charges against King Joffrey) and whatever Jon chooses, he is the one to live with the consequences of the choice for the rest of his life (i.e. Aeron did not impose any choice on Jon, which is admirable).

I guess Maester Aemon has suffered too much of his own choice (of not leaving the Night Watch to help his brother and his family). Apparently, when he made his choice it was the right choice. But this does not make it the right choice for all the time.

Love, duty, honour, values, choices, contradictions, and regrets; life as it is.

I am loving this book deeper and deeper every day.

 

 

 

regrets

Like anyone else, I have regrets in life.

I regret eating unhealthy food today. I regret buying a useless book at the airport yesterday. I regret not losing any weight since the beginning of fall despite making huge changes and effort. I regret living in a city with limited energy. I regret loving my job so much that I keep present wherever it is present. I regret not have spent a long time with my family. I regret not saving money while I have had it. I regret not being happy. And I regret many other things in life.

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine and the more we talked, the more clear it became that regrets were inevitable. Especially when we needed to choose between different alternatives or take different routes.

But whether or not some regrets were inevitable because we had no control over them was debatable. Regrets were certainly context-dependent and some regrets were unnecessary. Realizing this was uplifting and frankly made my day; I do not need to beat myself over some regrets – I can rather accept there was no better alternative, I tried my best, it did not work out, and I can move on. Priceless 🙂

For example, I can regret buying that book and spending $25 on it now. But if I had not bought it, I could regret it, too, because I would probably be bored at the airport by doing nothing much. I chose between the two alternatives; buying and not buying. I resent my choice right now, but I could as well resent not having this choice. So feeling the regret does not serve me well; I tried to prevent boredom and did not become lucky with the book. That is all. There is no room for regret here. Let’s move on.

I regret eating unhealthy today. I do not know why I have not eaten better. Maybe I needed to shop. Maybe I did not want to cook and prepare food. Maybe I just said “okay, I will start it again tomorrow“. I made a choice and now I regret it. This regret is different than what I experienced with the book (above), though; I do not think I would regret eating healthy, for example… In other words, the other alternative, eating healthy, was an a lot better and perhaps the best alternative. This regret is well deserved, as I simply did not make a good decision. I hope that regret now can serve as a valuable teacher for me to make better choices next time…

I regret not being happy (I am not unhappy, either – I am in a neutral state between being happy and unhappy), as I know what happiness means and how great it feels. I did not make the choice of being unhappy or being not happy. In contrast, I always wanted to be happy. “Maybe you just do not know how to be happy“, one may say… (I hope noone will say this; happiness sometimes is not attainable by the way it works for others). Anyways, I regret not being happy, but I did not choose it. So why do I have regret?

I guess the answer lies in the fact that I still believe that I can be happy and I can work towards it. So far in 40 something years, I have not figure out what it is that can give me lasting happiness (except falling in love with someone great… then happiness was the natural state; I just remembered….). But there is hope. One day.

I also regret spending my time and years in a city that does not excite me. My alternative is to move somewhere else, but I did not make this decision yet. I regret living here, but cannot take the steps to change it.

Why is that?

Because I can understand that the alternative may not be so good either and I may regret it big time, too. For one, finding such a job that I have here is almost impossible. Even though I am not making a lot of money, my salary and job are stable. If I leave this job, I may never have such financial and job stability in my life, even though I get everything else that I long for for an exciting life… That is the scariest part of it.

The moment I wrote the above sentence, however, something blinked inside my mind. I remembered that using the word “never” was a way of generalizing things without much evidence. So, who knows? Maybe there are other jobs that can provide me with these stability somewhere else. Maybe I should go check for them, yes? 🙂

Writing is awesome; it helps clear things for me. But more than that I am grateful for having hope 🙂

thoughts awaken by a poem

There is a poem read by a great voice actor that I have been listening since yesterday.

It is about life; our need to be hopeful, our need to be loved, our need to never lose those we care.

This poem makes me remember the lost moments, lost self-expressions, lost opportunities, lost loves, lost hopes. What is it about the experiences in life (and people) that we cannot take then, but miss terribly later?  There are people dear to my heart but did not call for so long (negligence). There are people with whom I have sore interactions (sometimes ego; sometimes necessity – it is better this way for both sides).

Can the negligence and ego let go before any of these people are lost?

Of course they can.

Can we really make sore relationships “normal” again?

Well, that depends – it involves two people. What are their wishes?

Hard to know, but is worth trying.

the tango I did not dance

it has been my choice

the length of my hair, colour even

the clothes I have had

the tango I did not dance

the song that moved me in to deep emotions

the book I have not written

the violin I have purchased

the cities I lived in

the love I missed

the love I missed more than anything else

all my choices

now I am middle aged regretting

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PS: I accidentally published this draft – I was going to edit it yet I think that is what it was supposed to be. Leaving it as it is.

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