random thoughts

Interesting times.

I am working like h..l again, but at least I can get motivated about it. I have two project applications to make in two weeks and it makes me excited only because I am almost done with one of them, and another one is nearly 50% done. I feel that one of them will get acceptance – is this realistic?

No.

But hope is a beautiful thing.

Hope Please GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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It is my conclusion that only 10% of my efforts are to move forward…. This is a very conservative estimation, but it does not hurt. As a matter of fact, accepting the fact that many of my efforts will not be fruitful is somehow healthy; it helps me with dealing with the rejection.

There is a strange relationship between anticipation and hope and reality and feeling insensitive.

One or the other; hope versus insensitivity. Anticipation versus reality.

Which one do we want to have?

Hurt GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/justin-hope-hoping-fingers-crossed-l0NwNrl4BtDD7JCx2;https://giphy.com/gifs/hurt-K1DomwDddiTnO

remember me

gather all the leaves

on the ground

on a fall day and

look at the colours

remember me; me

whose feelings were

genuine; me

whose thoughts were

resilient; me

whose heart was

expanding; me

whose mind was free;

free from fears

free from emotional breaks

free from prejudice

me;

my colour was orange;

remember me.

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getting close to accepting the defeat

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I hope, my love, one day you will love someone who loves you at least as much as I do.

I hope you will find the sparks, excitement, happiness, and contentment with that girl who deserves you, your gentle manners, your wonderful character, and your lovely laughter.

I hope she will always cherish, respect, and love you; do the right things for you; make you laugh often; give you a warm hug and keep there when you need it; care for your health and well being; relentlessly support you in all of your endeavours, and admire you like nobody else.

I hope she will love your voice and make you hum happy songs all day long; lift you up when you kneeled down, stand next to you when all is troublesome, and be proud of you when you solve all. I hope one day you will marry her and have the daughters you wish for. I hope my love you will be the one to give me these great news.

Have the determination to open your heart to the beauties around you. Share yourself more so that all can know your greatness and human side. Be happy beyond your imagination. Write those pieces, produce those programs, and take the most spectacular photos. Even if life cuts short and none or only some of them happens, know before we perish, how thoroughly, passionately, and tirelessly you were loved. Despite all. Despite by me.

None has touched both my heart and my life as you have, none has left me with myself so fast, so many different times. I love you. One part of me will always be thinking about you, loving, caring, and admiring you.

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Kate’s short story – XLVII

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there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you

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I could not convince you and now I cannot convince people who care about me. Nowadays there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you M. As if you are unlovable. As if I am not capable of loving.

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Kate’s short story – XXXVIII

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You are damn worthy

There is something strange about loving someone who does not love you back; the damage to the self-esteem, the loss of self-worth.

So she/he does not love you; does that mean you are unworthy?  inadequate?  undesirable? not good enough? unlovable?

Remember how you dared by putting your heart, mind, and love out there?

You are brave, strong, and damn worthy.

Do you know what that makes me?

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You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

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Kate’s short story – XXXI

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while waiting the end of “us”

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I trashed everything that reminded you. But memories are the worst; how do I bury a part of me?

Nevertheless, with a strange pleasure I can say that it has been four days…I was not able to feel anything for you.

Neither love nor hate.

I did not miss you.

I did not even cry.

There has been other times like this before; none so long, though. I had estimated that over time they would get longer and longer. Then, one would be “it”. “It” would be the end of “us”.

While I cry over you, I often find myself humming “Come What May” of Moulin Rouge; one particular line I like – “suddenly my life does not seem such a waste“. It is such a fragile line.. What happens if one replaces the word “waste” with “mess”?

ah, yes..

There will be an end of us.
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Kate’s short story-V

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love comes and goes

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Love comes and goes; that is my observation.

It is such a fragile thing, love is; it is like an unstable chemical that one moment there with all of its intensity requiring all the attention for its needs and then the next time, it is gone … no more the exhilaration, no more the joy, no more the excitement, no more the demands of it.

Nowadays I feel like it does not exist any more and I find a kind of serenity, peace in it. Deep down, though, I know I in fact find a great pleasure for its non-existence towards him. That is possibly my ego talking and if my ego was not strong enough, then I would be deeply saddened by its non-existence; is not my love toward him what I loved more than him?

Things will change soon;  I will choose practising kindness and forgiveness and my ego will subsidize as a result. I will start feeling the intensity of it and its demands from me again. Like someone/something that I cannot say no, I will give my whole attention to ensure its survival. It will drill my heart. I will shed tears.

Human heart is a primitive thing and human mind is a calculating one. This duality is what bothers me most about love.

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Kate’s short story-III

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the sincere poem

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when I was there with you
I had a glimpse of life;
it was beautiful
and exciting.
and I was plain happy.

Happiness, one I got used to too quickly.

did I love you?
I have been pondering over and over again
I cannot know the answer;
as I do not know why I loved you
before and then
but then I came to realize that
when it is just an internal monologue,
it is not love anyway.

but I loved myself when I was with you;
a happy, excited, soft, and expressive intense creature!
Boy! I loved myself then
and now when I remember!

if you are going to stay angry at me
go ahead do that
but if you think you cannot forgive me for that
you are plain wrong

Kate’s short story – II

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love as I understand it today

My first entry better be about love.

I used to think that I could only love something/someone as much as they let me; not more than that. Just yesterday I noticed maybe that was not correct; we may love more than they let us if we have a tendency to love, have a need to love, or have a wish to forgive and forget, yes?

Or maybe, we do that because we feel like it is an honourable thing to do. Maybe if we do so, we will prove ourselves and others that ours was a true love – as if we have to convince that it was love and we were good at it. Why? There can be truth here that sometimes we can never be sure whether it is love or not; there is so many mixed feelings coming through our minds and going through our hearts. Knowing ourselves is the biggest challenge when comes to love.

Attaining and living love is a painful thing; we struggle, confuse, question ourselves and others, calculate or deal with risks and  issues/unexpected, but I do not agree that it can be explained by only pain, or by mostly pain. I think love is bigger than pain.

There is this love story of two young and terminal cancer patients by John Green, in the novel “The faults in our stars”. I read this book in a single day. It is an easy reading with tragic topics, such as death and life, but the love story between the two teenagers is interesting. I came to realize why love is bigger than pain for me, thanks to this story (because in contrast to the character in the book, I do not associate love with pain that intensely).

Love as we feel it is beautiful whether there is pain in it or not. If pain is bigger than it, then we would not call it love now, would we?

I love loving some people; more than they can think about or deserve. And I think that says something about me as much as them. This love, though, I own.

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