this was not the life I wanted

This was not the life I wanted.

I was supposed to love, be loved, and have a family of my own.

I was supposed to be happy and joyful, smiling and laughing. I was supposed to be with my friends, having care-free and fully supportive relationships without personal agendas.

I was supposed to live in a fair and just life.

I was supposed to work at an organization that valued me and my efforts rather than belittling me because of my gender, where I was from, or what they assumed I believed in.

I was supposed to be comfortable under my own skin, feeling great about my own identity, body, character, and acts.

I was supposed to feel confident and strong against any tides life could throw in my direction.

I was supposed to be free, walk in the weekends in busy streets, see the movies and dance to the songs I have loved.

I was supposed to discover myself in relationships.

I was supposed to have excitement. 

I was supposed to live somewhere else.

I was supposed to be happy.

but I am not.

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I have none of these that I thought I was entitled to. Not because I did not want to. But because I made choices.

I chose to move here and take this position, which now is under too much stress and the environment is getting more and more toxic, with lay offs and people blaming, belittling, or pushing away each other.

I chose to have a secure position that will give me financial stability and a sense of meaning and strength. I chose to do what I once loved to my bones – my job.

I chose to stay even after I realized whatever I was getting was not enough for me to feel good about myself or my life. In contrast, I was in so much stress and pressure that I do not know why I have stayed. Tell me – why did I choose to stay?

I chose to not have trips to see new places or friends to rather save the money for my future.

I chose to over and over take a mental note and saying “there is nothing much here for me to do alone”. A hobby class? A dance/sports club? A cooking class? Poetry? Writing? New language? Anything. I chose to have no such interests.

I chose that instead of having zillion of friends, I would have a few good ones in my life.

I chose to believe in that I was not a good cook so I hardly host my friends at my home.

I chose that the most interesting activity for me at the weekends would be to visit the two shopping malls in my city, browse the stores, and purchase what I may need.

I chose to believe in that at my age of mid-40, I was already old.

I chose to believe that I was not lovable.

I chose to have no future plans. I have tried multiple times. It just does not happen – what am I waiting for?

What is it that drags and anchors me down?

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What am I supposed to change in my thinking, my priorities, my life?

What choices I must reverse and what new choices I must make to be happy?

Tell me.

saying “no” is a right

I have been practicing being more assertive and true to my own needs (one other example here). I think it could also be described as advocating for myself, if you will.

And that feels good, my friends.

A colleague of mine, who became quite dependent on me and is neither fully kind nor fun to be with called me at home yesterday evening and again today in the office. I do not mind calls at the office but I hate it when people think that they can reach me whenever they want and call me at home. This was not the first time she called me at home, but this time I had finally had it and I reacted; I saw and recognized the number, and did not answer it.

The same thing today when she called my office. I was out for a second when she called (luckily), saw her number upon my return, and decided to forget about it. The funny thing is that if that was important or an emergency, I am sure she would email me. Anyways; I called a couple of hours later when I have had time. It turned out that she called me for a small thing that she could easily handle. But no, she has to bother me, and instead of figuring things out herself, the solutions should always come from me!!! Because I do not have any work to do myself!!!!

I am angry at the situation as you can see.

We should limit our interactions with such people, especially if they are not even kind towards us, not crediting us for the work and help we do for them and pretending like they have figured and done every thing themselves, and are draining us with their constant neediness, negativity, and opportunistic characteristics.

I have taken my first steps yesterday and today. I am determined to distant myself from this person and stop doing their itsy bitsy work for them. She not only took my time, but also fried my nerves.

If you have someone like this in your life, I hope soon you will prioritize yourself over them.

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Learn to say “no”

Today I said “no” twice.

It felt good.

I have a number of people in my life who have tremendous influence on my life. They are indispensable, like my family or my mentors. I like them very much, I have a strong bond with them, but I also have frustrations and heart-breaks with them. Since they are so important for me, contributed to my personal and my professional life substantially, even though they break my heart (I possibly break theirs, too – to be fair), I keep keeping them in my life, loving them, and being nice as much as I can be. Like many people, we hardly talk about our issues, which often means we continue this over-the-surface relationships while deep down both sides are hurt somehow, sometime, over time. We argue sometimes, too. The negative feelings inevitably accumulate and reach a level that cannot be over-looked.

One of my mentors made a comment about me on social media yesterday (which sounded more like an insult to me; considering all the sensitivity around our relationships, it is not unusual that I felt that way. It could have been just an innocent comment, too. But honestly I do not give a darn about the intention of her comment right now…), which was the last drop in our long history. I took it lightly and managed to play low and joking, but it did change me. I wondered why I keep her in my life, visit her whenever I can find time, or call just to say hi, especially that she does not take steps to contact me. I decided it was time that I cut this charade.

Today with my family too I finally said no. No, I did not cut my ties; they are so important to me and I love them. But I also feel inadequate as a family member. They have expectations from me and I do from them, but when we are short in delivering the expectations, you feel nothing but inadequacy and low self-esteem. I am sick of this feeling. It has been a long way. I am tired.

I am not sure whether I should go visit them this year. Last year was horrible in so many different ways and my relationship with my family is a little bit strained. When I mentioned that today, my mom said whatever happened between my family and I was all in the past. She is nice and all, but she does not consider that it is not over for me. The same thing when I am there; my needs or wishes are hardly a priority; I go where they go, travel quite a bit to see them with long trips, find myself in ridiculous dialogues with ridiculous people (people other than my family), and eventually come back even more tired than when I start the trip.

It is my annual holiday and I think I deserve more than this. Like taking a rest and having a say in where and when to go somewhere, if ever. What if I have other things that I would like to do? ……

My family is sad that I consider not visiting them this year. But perhaps I should prioritize my own wishes this time. I have one life and at one point I just would like to feel “good about myself”. Do I not deserve this feeling?

I have been meaning to visit South America for a very long time. I wonder whether I can do it this summer. Or, just have a staycation. At least I would not feel not approved, loved, or respected.

how do I feel as a person who just came back from vacation?

Hello friends!

After 5 weeks of being away, I am back!

I sure have had the most interesting vacation ever (vacation = going to my homeland to visit my family).

There were many nice things that I have experienced during my vacation; like seeing family members and friends.

Being away from my everyday routine and the often-times stressful work was an exceptional plus.

I swam at the sea, got lots of sunlight, ate the freshest fruits and veggies, shopped for nice stuff, and made important realizations and decisions for future that may make things better.

I am refreshed and energized, and as usual I have my resolutions in place to work on, such as to lose weight and to make a better, more social, and meaningful life out of my usual routine-based, work-focused, and one-person life (these two resolutions are recurring themes that I was not able to achieve yet… so wish me luck 🙂 ).

Yet, interesting does not necessarily mean that I have had a beautiful, happy, and joyful time during my vacation. On the contrary…

For example, at the beginning of the vacation, I have experienced emotions that sometime reached to a level very close to hate (which is very unusual for me….). Hate is a very bad feeling – I do not want to feel it. Like ever.

I made many trips to other cities and had to spend time with some annoying people, which made me physically drained and emotionally agitated.

I made mistakes and emotionally hurt some good people.

And, later through the end of my vacation, there were historical and very negative external events developing and making me realize that none of the ridiculously non-essential issues (that made me feel hate-like emotions or break good people’s hearts –  what was I thinking?????) in fact should matter in life or occupy my mind/heart….

I hope I am better than before because of these experiences.

Sometimes life feels like a cheap toy to me: it is awesome one minute and the next moment, it does not mind breaking in front of my eyes. It is as if it requires extreme care, intuition, relaxation, communication, consideration, intention, and luck all the time. That is tiring….

Thankfully, it is also miraculous, beautiful, and awesome the other times……

 

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I hope all of you have had a great summer and great experiences, too.

I have not read all the posts posted while I was away by those bloggers I follow, but I know that some of you have had bad news recently and are keeping their positive attitudes towards life’s hurdles (Go Team Red Phoenix Go! ).

Sending positive vibes to all of you! 🙂 

toxic people

It is annoying to have “toxic” people around, be exposed to their “toxic” ideas, behavior, and attitude, and to keep up with their “toxicity”.

I have such a person in my life who is a colleague of mine, who we work closely in some projects, and whom I socialize. Not because I want to regularly socialize with this person, but they invite and I go. It is as simple as this. Yet, there has been no time that something about her attitude, the way she talked about people and their work/performance, or the way she talked about my choices, life, or whatever did not bother me.

I keep up with her because of our work relation, not because of our personal relations. I am okay with that but it is really annoying to be around someone who is constantly tense, aggressive towards other people or opinions, exaggerate her own importance, skills, or whatever.

I decided to reduce my exposure to that person.

I have a life to live and enjoy.

love by logical reasoning

Can you love something/someone by logical reasoning?

I have been trying this very hard with where I am. There are so many positive sides of being in the city I live and having the job I have (safe city with simple life, great job with meaning and good salary, etc.). No matter how many times I complain about things that annoy me here and having the life that feels like wasted and uninteresting, the moment I start thinking and writing about the positive parts, I realize I am in fact in a good shape.

I only lack passion for being here, that is all.

I know that in relationships too, such things can happen. We can either fall in love with someone with our hearts and passionately, or with our minds with mostly logical reasoning.

Which one is better (if better)?

I do not know.

They say that even when you fall in love with someone with your whole heart, after a while that passionate “love” can end, or be replaced with something less passionate but more “solid”. This kind of tells me that passionate and exciting emotions can be lost after a while. Thus, maybe insisting in wishing to see them continuously present in our lives (or, in my life) is unreasonable.

I lived and worked in other great cities. I literally fell in love with them, but my work and salary were not as good as what I have here. In other words, while I love being in these cities, I could not enjoy my life there because of financial difficulties.

So when I remember these, I feel better. I say “perhaps that is what my trade off is: perhaps what I have right now, the city I live in, and the job I have are logically just perfect for me“.

 

turn of the heart

In some cases, dislike is such a great follow-up to liking someone first.

Why do we like someone and then dislike? Well, I guess as we learn more about these people over time, through more interaction or observation,  we kind of form our true feelings about people.

Yet, the most interesting ones are those who I have liked for so long (years/decades) and then suddenly (often accompanied by an unacceptable behaviour) started to dislike/to be irritated.

Where are all the previous positive emotions?? This turn of the heart is the one that I find the most interesting.

arguments and relationships

Arguments can either kill the trust, rapport, or the love between two people or it may strengthen them.

I am of open and sincere communication as much as the other party allows. Let’s face it, not everybody opens up well enough. Understanding each other is essential in relationships but it can be quite limited because of un-openness leading to misunderstandings, not clarifying issues/meanings, and conflicting or changing priorities, life events, or feelings. Or just to protect ourselves.

Arguments sometimes is inevitable when the misunderstandings stack up tall or our feelings are hurt for some other reason. At those times, it is difficult to erase the ego or the agitation and to focus on understanding the opposite person and to express ourselves. Sometimes, though both listening the other person and communicating ourselves can help to open up, clear the air, and resolve the issues.

More importantly, we can understand ourselves better in such situations; are we constructive? are we confidently present our case and stand by our opinions/values/actions? Do we have dignity and respect? Do we have confidence and determination to stand tall if the other person is at fault?

Have you ever noticed and liked your behaviour/attitude after an argument, whether it turned out to be resolving argument or not? then you know what I mean.

Have you understood the other person better and realized what might have gone wrong in  your relationship? then again you know what I mean.

being peaceful, kind, and respectful while also being confident and expressive works well sometime. There are two people in the argument, in the relationship. All go both ways.

peace and cheers

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.

Some relationships (friends, co-workers, or romantic ones) in life are not supposed to last; yet some survive; maybe we need them for some reason, or there is no urgent need to discard, or some other reasons I cannot think right now.

But when the time comes to stop that relationship, kindness and positivity/neutrality is always better than having arguments or cutting the ties with no real conversation or understanding. Respect for being fellow human beings, kindness and having good wishes for each other is a way better situation than other alternatives. (Of course, if these feelings are possible – when for example somebody is constantly hurting you, I do not think there is a need for this extra effort).

There is no room for unnecessary resentments or hard feelings. Life is short and precious. Positive or neutral feelings/memories are better than negative ones. We can try and be at peace with ourselves and maybe with the other person.

May all your relationships that need to end do so peacefully.

getting close to accepting the defeat

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I hope, my love, one day you will love someone who loves you at least as much as I do.

I hope you will find the sparks, excitement, happiness, and contentment with that girl who deserves you, your gentle manners, your wonderful character, and your lovely laughter.

I hope she will always cherish, respect, and love you; do the right things for you; make you laugh often; give you a warm hug and keep there when you need it; care for your health and well being; relentlessly support you in all of your endeavours, and admire you like nobody else.

I hope she will love your voice and make you hum happy songs all day long; lift you up when you kneeled down, stand next to you when all is troublesome, and be proud of you when you solve all. I hope one day you will marry her and have the daughters you wish for. I hope my love you will be the one to give me these great news.

Have the determination to open your heart to the beauties around you. Share yourself more so that all can know your greatness and human side. Be happy beyond your imagination. Write those pieces, produce those programs, and take the most spectacular photos. Even if life cuts short and none or only some of them happens, know before we perish, how thoroughly, passionately, and tirelessly you were loved. Despite all. Despite by me.

None has touched both my heart and my life as you have, none has left me with myself so fast, so many different times. I love you. One part of me will always be thinking about you, loving, caring, and admiring you.

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Kate’s short story – XLVII

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the funny poem

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I can feel the excitement I would have; butterflies around me

white, light blue, and red; flipping and singing a serenade

I would walk around the house excited, with a smile on my face

looking at the mirror I would see myself, ah! how to turn into a date?

I would put my little hairpins on – the ones that I love so much

my dress would have to be perfect, so would be my shoes

I do not know how many times I would check everything

change dresses, shoes, hair, oh boy, where is the girly muse?

in the middle of this chaos, the phone would ring

you would say you are on your way

I could not know what to do until then, or worse yet

when you arrive, ah.. shyness does not pay

but excitement and excitement! my heart chirping

I would get the dress, the shoes; forget the hair – it is hopeless

do me a favour, my love, put me at ease

give me hug, silently smile, keep me there

say it is gonna be all right, no matter what

this one date I wanna flare.

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Kate’s short story – XLV

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you

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I could not convince you and now I cannot convince people who care about me. Nowadays there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you M. As if you are unlovable. As if I am not capable of loving.

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Kate’s short story – XXXVIII

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

my love, do something others have not given in

make me another cup of coffee

with awake eyes, just get out of the room

let me lie on the couch, lazily looking at the TV

exhange “good mornings” with a melody

to conceal the shyness in us, as a momentary remedy

pour the coffee in a mug, put it on the little table

let me get off the couch, looking all able

bring that topping you got, let me shake it this time

let me smell and take a sip, oh heaven!

my love, do something others have not given in

please make me another cup of coffee

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All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

holiday plans – the change is here

Here are my plans for the 12 days off till after the new year;

1. I will have breakfast every single morning – you got it right; every single morning I will go to my favourite cafe and order my favourite breakfast with coffee. That is my dream!

2. The delightful breakfast will be followed by a visit to my favourite book store close by; I can find beautiful books, buy or browse them as I please. Cannot think about a more lovely time spent.

3. I will walk around, maybe check the shops, see whether there is something interesting I may be interested in. Now that I will have spare time, I will take my time going through the stuff and fully engage my mind with whatever is at my hand. A great mental break – lovely.

4. I will call and visit some of my good friends – I am really looking forward to this! Everybody including me is so relaxed during the holidays that it is a perfect time to enjoy each others’ company and laughter.

5. I will go to the malls and check all the sales I can find – now that is one perfect time to find the best items at an affordable price. Since time is not an issue, I can explore in more detail and find and purchase those that I may like. I really would appreciate getting new shirts and trousers for winter.

6. I will visit the thrifty store, too. There are so many stuff that are interesting in such stores. Especially household items, such as old china or kitchen tools and furniture. I have been always fascinated by the fact that if I want to have a sense of the past of the city I am in, the old items, either at houses belonging to the people, or those who are dumped at the thrifty stores, are an excellent way to do so.

7. I would like to knit a nice toque this holiday season – based on my past experience if I can decide of what kind of toque to knit, I can produce it in a single day. I think it will be red and orange yes the colours that give energy during the winter. Great idea.

8. I will clean my house really well – starting the 2nd floor rooms which are much easier to clean. I will clean the floors well – they are in good condition but a little bit of deeper cleaning would be nice to protect them from permanent dust.

9. I will de-clutter the house – yes I will. I can keep things but not those which are not needed any more. That will help my house breathe better; it will refresh it, it will energize it. Together with the unwanted/unneeded items, I will also dump my old scars and painful memories. As I create space for new items at my house, I will also open space for new beginnings and memories. That is the most exciting of all the activities I plan to do during the holidays. This will lift my heart and my mind.

10. I will start implementing better and healthier life style. I am usually okay in terms of eating good and at least walking every single day, but I can do a lot better. I will start daily light weight exercises, I will stop eating refined carbs, and I will start breathing and relaxing with music more.

11. I will call my friends and family members to catch up with people important for me.

12. I will donate the books I am not reading any more.

13. I will clean my email inbox; ever year this is one of the best practices I follow – just delete the unnecessary/temporary emails, organize and store the others that are important. Open space for new emails, new developments, new important communications! Open space! Awesome – so exciting 🙂

14. I will shuffle the furniture around a little bit – I would like see my home a little bit different – just to have a mental stimulation, a fresh look, a statement of “change is here”. You would not believe how useful this kind of changes are in making more profound changes in our lives. Go ahead, change something and find in yourself the courage and wish to change other aspects, whether it is relationship, habit, life-style, or hobbies.

15. I will review my year and note all things that I have been grateful for. That is a great exercise not only to feel grateful, but also to appreciate the year that is ending and to welcome the new one with hope and positivity.

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