Thanks Friday

Thank goodness it is Friday!

It has been a while that I was so happy and relieved for it being Friday.

Boy – the last few weeks were somehow edgy at work. I have fixed a significant portion of the issues today. I am not done yet, but this is a progress that I want to celebrate! 🙂

I have three nights and two days to absolutely relax and enjoy till Monday morning. I will so enjoy this time and being away from work.

Have a great Friday and weekend everybody! 🙂

 

random thoughts

In between unproductive but critical meetings, fire-fighting all bunch of operational issues, dealing with difficult people often with little energy, feeling hyper-active and at the same time on the edge, and looking forward to 5 days trip to Europe next week as if it is my only way to relax (even though it too is a business related trip).

This pretty much summarizes the current situation of mine. I am so looking forward to reading the posts, yet I have so little time and mental clarity. It gotta wait till I find some kind of peace away from work.

Until then my friends.

what a day…

After the exhaustion I felt yesterday, I am feeling better today. I attribute it to eating relatively better today; I have got breakfast and lunch. Also prepared myself dinner. I did not eat veggies or fruits today, but I am hoping at least what I have got provides my body some energy.

I have had meetings in the morning and then in the evening. The evening one was a mistake – I should not have arranged that meeting. I was not prepared well, but more than that the person I had the meeting was not someone I trust or like working with. I remembered why I had turned down his offer to collaborate many years ago. I have done well then. I just messed up today by looking for ways to work with him. It is not gonna happen. And I do not care. Lesson re-learnt.

Since I have been struggling to finish everything I assigned myself prior to my vacation, I re-addressed this intention today. There is a limit to what I can do in a limited time. I like the fact that I am motivated to do things, but then it is not realistic to expect so much from myself under so much stress. Work is not the most important thing in the world and it would not worth to harm myself like this. I better stop expecting that much from myself and getting uptight. Some relaxation would prove to be beneficial. Maybe I would be able to handle things better after my vacation. Maybe things would develop in a different way while I was away and some of these things would not even be needed or important then. Maybe I was supposed to rather enjoy my life for once.

Today is one of those days that I am seriously considering resigning from my otherwise wonderful job. It is generally meaningful, pays a decent salary, and it took me decades to get such a position. Yet, I am missing life big time as it fills almost the entire world of mine. I do not like that…..

I know that I have not decided to resign yet, but I have been coming to this point time to time over the last year or so. This is a phase that maybe preparing me towards the resignation. I am still resisting because I need the salary and I am not sure what else I could do. Do I have alternative ways to make money? Nope, unless I take risks and start a cafe or something like that… It is not going to be all joy and positive developments, either. So, why to leave this job then?

I wish I had less concerns for my future retirement and financial health and more dreams and plans for enjoying the life. I wish I had planned a trip to Caribbeans, for example. I wished I had taken a temporary leave from my work and gather my strength back. I wish I had spent more time with my family. I wished I had just enjoyed one day without thinking about stuff, issues to resolve, plans to make.

I wish I was a little bit smarter 🙂

 

random thoughts

I am okay with admitting that I was wrong. Humility and setting the record right feels a lot better than ego playing tricks. Plus, I do not like negative feelings; it is a lot better when all sides are content.

Today after a couple of heated conversations (because of months of delay – almost a year now), with someone who was supposed to do some work for me, I realized I made him responsible for also the things he was not directly responsible for (he was partially only). I realized this only after he made his points. The end result was we both were aggravated and it did not help either of us. As a jerk-knee reaction, I have got defensive for a second or so, but later saw what he meant. And I acknowledged this. Sometimes, we forget the details, the whole picture I guess.

I have been stressed for the work that remained undone for so long now that this experience was good at reminding me once again what was important. Peace is better than having arguments. Mental clarity is a lot better than a cluttered mind. Keeping a good relationship is better than hurting it first and then trying to mend later.

I keep asking myself though: how do we find the balance between protecting our rights and interests while also controlling our frustration and still being constructive and kind?

In my experience, it is possible when we are relaxed. When we think that all will eventually be fine.

Off to stretching and listening to relaxing music now. Time for some inner work…

random thoughts

When I remembered in the morning it was Sunday, and I did not have to worry about going to work and working all day, I felt a wonderful sense of relief 🙂

It is a little bit gray day; as a matter of fact so gray that I have my lights on. It makes me feel like hibernating. That may be one of the reasons that I do not wish to work today, even though I had planned so. I have decided I can enjoy today and then tomorrow focus on an important report and hopefully finish it in a day or so. I know there will be many distractions at the office as there are other things my team members are doing and my department can always ask for more stuff. Eventually I will feel the rush and stress, but I think I made a good decision to not care about the work today and just relax.

I am enjoying my new streaming service and watching movies. I always loved watching movies and it is a pity that in the last many years I only have had cable, which has limited movie selection and movie airing time. It is amazing how little things can change my life and excites me.

That experience made me think again the things/activities that excite me, and my wish to remember and then implement them in my life again. Sometimes I feel like I float with the current of life, its demands and issues. That means I forgot things. Time to remember 🙂

have a great Sunday everyone 🙂

challenging myself – updated list – May

Ok – now that I have some success (!) at integrating some of the challenges I have assigned to myself, it is time to expand it a little bit. I will keep almost all of them, but the new ones (in red font) will just enhance my efforts (green fonts my updates/experience on challenges).

Challenges:

challenge 1: take the bus (not the cab) – get up at 8.15am to catch the bus. getting used to it 🙂

challenge 2: eat better and healthy – cut out the carbs and consume more veggies and fruits

challenge 3: walk an extra 30 min at the weekends – I got it 🙂 with this beautiful weather, staying inside does not feel good.

challenge 4: do not buy books for two months. I think I did buy a couple of books since then, but no. Not unless I feel the extreme need to pamper myself, no new books for two months.

challenge 5: cut out the bagel breakfast- one bagel/breakfast. Could not do that yet. Tomorrow is another day – I will see.

challenge 6: do grocery shopping as required and buy small amounts – many stuff perished in my fridge so far – what a sad waste. Going well. I am not interested in limiting my diet, only to not waste. So far it has been going well.

challenge 7: start listening to music and relaxing 20 min a day; this is done easily now thanks to my computer and youtube.

challenge 8: drink at least one cup of tea a day. I easily and lovingly do this during the week.

challenge 9: get up in the morning and smile to yourself and hum a song. well, remembered to do only a few times. Made a mental note to do more often.

challenge 10: look outside the window at the office three times a day – enjoy the view and relax. This has been one of the most consistent one. what a wonderful idea. With no ego I can say my office has the best view among all on my floor. Plus, when I am at home I get to enjoy the view from my yard.

challenge 11: record the progress in these areas in breaking the routine or joy journal categories. Not necessarily in these pages, but I kept posting them somewhere in this blog, good job 🙂

challenge 12: increase the contribution made to the RRSP account. Nope. This is not happening. This gotta wait until my chequeing account moves to a positive balance.

challenge 13: during the day remember to smile. oh well.. sometimes. Just sometimes.

challenge 14: lose 15 pounds in two months – record weight and food consumed every day. Ok. This is hard to do but I am trying. By means of limiting bread mostly. There is a 5 pounds difference, but hey that happened before, only to gain again in a couple of days later. I am not keeping my hopes high re; this challenge. I will get excited when I lose 10 pounds.

challenge 15: stick to the plans – I have done these before and I can do it again. I am. to my best. I am so motivated nowadays that I am increasing these challenges today.

New challenges (as of today):

challenge 16: comb the hair everyday. Mornings are great when I usually have a couple of extra minutes before I leave for the bus.

challenge 17: spare 5 min every day to breathe – just to breathe. 

challenge 18: apply sunscreen every morning.

challenge 19: apply moisturiser every night.

challenge 20: every week, eat two different food from last week – whether veggies or fruits or others. Change the brands or types of canned food or others I regularly consume.

challenge 21: take the stairs at the office (2 storeys) at least twice a week.

challenge 22: write the joy journal every day; no matter how dry or repeating it may feel. It always makes me feel good.

back to office

Beautiful day…

I went to office after 5 sick-days. It felt good, as I had missed being there with my colleagues 🙂

While did not do anything too serious or requiring full focus for hours; I noticed how relax and positive I have been the entire day. I think the break I have had (thanks to my flu last five days) made this possible. It directly reflected on the people around me as well. I could not be happier.

While my lack of appetite continues, my energy levels seems to be just fine, as I easily walked back to home this afternoon. I was slightly feverish for an hour or so today, which I think says that my body still works to clear the influenza virus. That is okay; a couple of more days and it should be gone, too.

I have two more working days prior to the weekend; I would like to finish a couple of important things so that I can enjoy the weekend, relaxing again.

breaking the routine – March 22, 2015

I have not done anything differently today, but I am aware the things I have to change; here is a short list of things I would like to do:

1. spend less time with the computer

2. everyday eat healthy; every single day eat raw vegetables

3. walk more, take the stairs at the office, start the yoga again

4. think less about issues; breathe and relax

5. stretch everyday

6. each weekend, do something you do not usually do. Go to different stores and explore; buy a new book and read; cook something new; go to a movie; start a hobby; call someone I have not talked in a long time; write more poems or stories; shop at a different mall.

7. everyday; smile more; take a break at work; comb your hair (yes I usually do not do that..); bring lunch in; enjoy any activity other than sitting at the couch; engage in more meaningful activities; give hope to someone.

8. be okay with the idea of going to bed earlier so that I can get up early, too.

9. laugh more; sing more; relax more.

10. do something good for your body every..single..day..

joy journal – March 17, 2015

here are today’s joyful events, thoughts, and experiences 🙂

1. I am grateful for shovelling intensely in the morning. The snow was too much and the plows did not do a good service to me by throwing all snow from street to the front of my door. It was a great exercise to open a passage to the street, though 🙂

2. I am grateful that I did not have a meeting or so in the morning, which allowed me to shovel. Otherwise I would have to miss the meeting.

3. I am grateful that instead of buying coffee and some unhealthy breakfast treats from the cafeteria, I chose to brew my coffee in the office.

4. I am grateful that while there was a lot of snow, there was no ice that made walking difficult today.

5. I am grateful that I worked efficiently at the office, especially in the afternoon/evening. Feeling the satisfaction 🙂

6. I am grateful that I catched the bus back to home 🙂

7. I made a concious decision to enjoy my night and take my time relaxing, even though I came home late from office. That is relaxing, very much indeed!

8. I had a different type of dinner today (different than regular ones); it feels good I am thinking; if I continue to be concious about my eating, I can greatly help my body with its well-being.

9. I am grateful for feeling less stressful compared to last week; I believe the long-weekend helped me to relax.

10. I am grateful that I started an urgent task, which I was not very motivated to do. Now that I started it quite strong, I am sure it will be completed soon; yay!

11. I am grateful for my warm house in this chilly time of the year; wishing everyone, especially the homeless people, a safe and warm place to spend the nights.

12. I am grateful for my relax schedule this week – it helps me to not only relax but also to perform serious work that requires attention and focus.

13. I am grateful that I am not worried much about another snow storm that will likely blast us tomorrow/thursday. Maybe I will have to shovel more, maybe it will be another snow day; whatever it is, I will take it (unless snow makes it completely impossible for me to leave my house..I may get near-crazy then.. I will wait and see)

I can only be compassionate and understanding

Since I wrote this post a couple of days ago, I have been thinking; there is so much truth to it. Yes, “there is a limit to what one can undertake”.

I have chronically low levels of energy; it has not been like this all the time; but in the last 5-6 years, this has been the case. Whether it is a natural change in the body/metabolism due to middle-age, or I have been undertaking too many work-related activities with too much of responsibility, or I have been living in geography with usually grey skies and icy, snowy, or long winters, I do not know. But, I walk less, I exercise less, and most importantly I want to do less (except the work activities).

What do we do when we have many to take care or think about? We all have lives and people we care about; the majority of us have houses and other properties to clean, organize and take care of, work and financial needs and worries are there, too. Include your health, hobbies, and wishes and plans for future. How do we deal with too many thoughts? Issues? I personally will shut down some of the issues to deal with those which needs to be taken care of immediately or that carry some kind of importance. Or, just to keep my mind occupied by other activities to give my mind a break. That means, the rest will remain somewhere out there or in my mind to be dealt later.

I can only be compassionate and understanding when the issues not dealt with come back more problematic, as I cannot deal with all. It is okay to shut down, relax, and recharge when it is needed. It is okay to prioritize and it is okay to err in prioritizations.

This is not “losing”, this is not “giving up”, this is not “not fighting up”.

This is acceptance. This is being human.

lessons learnt and realizations

There are a few lessons I have got and realizations I have made today, after writing about how I felt nowadays in the previous post.

It is true that negative feelings, feeling down, thoughts, and worries are not fun to go through. Yet, they help to draw attention to issues not addressed or need to be addressed. I am grateful for them.

Here are what I have realized today:

1. I am a human being and as such, I try my best all the time. It is just that, time to time I cannot do that well. I cannot see the issues right away, even though I see them, I may ignore them to take care of more important things. Or, I may just not have enough energy to deal with many things all at the same time….

2. I have limited energy. I have energy and it is all right; but what I am trying to say is that at a given time, I gotta focus the energy I have on things important for me. Whether it is work, life, or being lazy.

3. yes, I have been feeling lazy time to time. When compared to before i.e. when I was younger, I am less physically active, less energetic, and more dormant. Especially at home. As soon as I come home from work, I focus on relaxing… Not necessarily a bad thing. Just conflicting. A lot of messages on media or in conversations with friends and colleagues focus on the importance of relaxing and having a “me” time. The question is when to stop having a “me” time to rather focus on issues.

4. I gotta arrange my life and my work schedule way better. I know under the circumstances, I have done my best. But in future I can do better. Some things need to change. Starting with my un-healthy life style. Eat better, exercise better, think better. And when it comes to work, I gotta stop undertaking more than I can. A healthy dose is needed.

5. My mind is clouded majority of the time. I lack the sharp focus I used to have. Age? being over-whelmed? What is the reason for that? How can I claim my sharp focus back? I have not figured out this one yet.

6. I noted patterns about my reaction to issues. I have a tendency to ignore them, until they come back bigger. I thought I was a control freak! 🙂 Obviously I am not. Maybe I should get more of a control freak to prevent ignoring issues. Again, that is in contrast to what many would say; that sometimes we need to let go and stop worrying… Now I see the worry as a sign that something requires my attention. I may not be aware of what it is, but I think it is the sub-conciousness that gives these signals.

7. Lessons learnt are valuable. realizations are valuable. Taking action to work towards a better experience in future is even more valuable. That is what I need to focus.

that is all I have to say for now. let me see whether I can come up with more stuff this evening 🙂

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