why do we need to feel good?

At one point in my life, many years ago, I was feeling really bad. As a result I turned into books to understand these feelings, their causes, and how to better deal with the thoughts and emotions as a result.

One thing that misses usually from my overall look at life is trust; trust that things will turn out just okay. Trust that I will be able to handle things well. I now am somehow better in this area if I can remind myself.

My other big habit is to not let go of things, plans, wishes, or wants easily. I believe that they take quite a time and effort to come up with, organize, and execute. These, if not followed with success, eventually it leads to frustration and self-doubt. That hurts and amplifies the the first trust issue; trusting that I will be able to handle things well. This being said, not being an easy dumper is also good sometime, as many things in life require more than mere luck and rather lots of efforts and patience. I have good examples of relatively big success came by not quitting and constantly working towards the aim.

The third would be to have a sharp focus. This is great when there is a task at hand, but not great while dealing with life issues, which are often more complex and repeating in nature. Seeing the big picture, my own and the issue’s place within everything life offers can be quite illuminating; after all what is the big deal as long as we are safe, sound, alive, and able?

I once was silly enough to complain to one of my friends about my own itsy bitsy issues a few months after she has lost her dad. I apologized when I realized what I was being so selfish and insensitive to my friend. She did something amazing and gave a piece of wisdom; there was no pain little or big enough; pain is pain and it fills us almost immediately; fast and expandable. I love this definition, which is so true. But I still want to get out of the room of the pain and see the other things in life. This change in the perspective is healthy, promotes positivity, and eventually calms me.

if there is another thing that calms me is to surrounder to pain. I was not able to understand the meaning of this for years, but one day it just came; I was struggling to decide on something critical, very, critical, and after a long and painful internal fight, my shoulders just dropped. Decision was made by my body. I had failed to make the decision I so long wanted to make. But I could not take it anymore. Fight was over. Pain was pain, but less than the pain my internal fight created. Failed to make the best decision? Yes. Succeeded in surviving my turmoil? Yes. Life can be this messy sometimes.

We have so many examples of hardship in our lives. So many mistakes and resentful memories, actions, words, and behaviors.

What is the solution?

Keep going?

or

Forget these or forgive ourselves? 

 

random thoughts

These are what have happened today:

1. My kefir needs 48 hours of incubation – period. Since we almost never get hot temperatures here, I better get used to this. 

2. I did not walk in the morning, but I did not take the cab, either. The honour went to the bus this morning 🙂

3. Chatted with a colleague today and he thought that a couple of people from our unit would leave considering the toxic and fiscal situation. That changes things for me, for some reason. I realize I have problems with them and their leave would be beneficial for us/me – we can change things in our unit if they go. More room to breathe and do things as we design, decide, and like.

4. Three work-related issues that I have been trying to overcome for months have finally resolved today.  One of them is a potential partnership.  It is preliminary but there is an interest. Things are moving at last! 🙂

5. I continued to contemplate about myself, my performance, my achievements, my strengths, and my limitations. 

6. I gained weight nowadays, which I link to eating too much peanut! Every time I eat it, I gain the weight. So why do I do that????

7. My arm continues to worry me. Finally I made an appointment – I wanna know whether there is something seriously wrong with my arm. I hit it to my desk at the office 2-3 weeks ago. It was not bad at the beginning but after I started digging the yard, it acted quite badly and it has been like this since then. Time to get it checked.

8. I do not know whether I will apply for the job opportunity I identified at the weekend. maybe I will. maybe I will not. What do I lose if I apply?

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Here is to all uncertainties and career problems; an amazing song.

Cool down those senses and have hope my friends!

 

 

post-vacation resolutions

Well.. It is kind of a tradition with me that whenever I am away from my routine life I almost always make some resolutions to work on. Never mind the success rate (ahem… very similar to new year’s resolutions..), but it is nevertheless exciting to come up with plans. They are focused around “cleaning”, “clearing”, and “change” this time. Interesting….

Here are my current resolutions:

1. Losing weight. This has been on my list for ever…

I want to do this because of health reasons as well as to feel good about myself. This time surprisingly I have not gained weight while I was vacationing at home, even though I literally munched on everything I could get my hands on, especially my mom’s food! 🙂 Very surprising but also highly welcomed fact 🙂

I am very happy about this and motivated to lose some more (I had lost 10 pounds prior to my vacation only because I was working like a worker ant for 6 weeks or so). Good job me!

My aim is to keep doing whatever I am doing (it is mostly not eating at nights – I stopped seeing it as a way of rewarding myself) and to lose an additional 15 more pounds. This will put me back at my weight 8 years ago, which is really cool 🙂 I have so many nice clothes from those times (yep – I kept them and did not give away/donate… shame… 🙂 )

2. Decluttering and getting rid of everything that I react negatively to. While I was on vacation I have realized why I do not enjoy buying gifts for people and rather prefer to give them what they may like (if they are open about it) or the gift cards. The problem with gifts is that when I am given gifts, I cherish and appreciate them so much (the sentimental value is really high) that I keep keeping them with me forever! this is not a problem if the gifted item was something I needed or something I really loved, but honestly there are things that do not satisfy either of these requirements. Plus, some of the gifts are from people whom I really do not like much, so seeing their gifts reminds me them, and as such I get agitated once again for no good reason.

I want to have only those things around that I need or want. Thus, together with the fact that it has been sometime that I have decluttered my home, I have decided to start a new haul pretty soon.

I will  find a way to re-use things, like old shirts can be used as cleaning clothes.

Or they can be modified in way that makes them usable. For example, I have a nice shirt which has a somehow wide neck. I am planning to work on it  (i.e. tighten it a little bit) so that I can comfortably wear, rather than checking and correcting the neck part every single minute.

Unwanted items that are in good shape can be donated.

And those that I have been keeping for years because I was thinking that I would need them, like some of my shoes and boots, that just take up space without providing anything back, can be dumped (finally….). So can be all the stuff that are given to my by toxic people or those that remind me toxic experiences – they all will go.

Yuppi!!!

Exciting 🙂

3. Change the living environment. I think it is time that I re-arrange the furniture, especially at the bedroom so that it can feel “different”. I also have got new couch covers, which will help me to change the look of the living room. The table clothe will change as well with a new and lovely one. The towels gotta go as they they have been incredibly sturdy and of good quality but that meant that I have had to use them for years!!!! It would be lovely to have new ones, at least for some time.

4. Paying attention to my attire. I have a tendency to not care what I wear. This does not mean that I wear old or bad stuff. But honestly I can look better and feel better too. Today, I wore a new shirt I bought last week and I felt really good in that shirt. I also noticed how different I felt…. I have no logical explanation why this effect has occurred, but I decided I did not need to know everything and I could continue to wear things that I love and feel good. Whether they are shoes or clothes, does not matter.

So be it 🙂

I will be checking all my clothes soon and use those that I like but did not use for sometime, or go for a shopping spree (no worries – I will be frugal) 🙂

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Clean, clear, and change. I guess this is a good plan.

I hope to be successful with this plan! Wish me luck 🙂