it is time to have some plans

Now that I do not get any more (strong) anxiety, I have decided it was time that I come back to my regular routine by re-introducing my small daily life goals.

They literally make me feel like I am in control of my life, I am capable of taking care of my life and myself, and I am capable of making positive changes in my life.

They may be small, but mighty! 🙂

Here they are:

Working at the office, not at home, during the weekdays: Working mostly at home in the last 7 months made me socially isolated. I now feel better if I am in the office and do the work there. I can and will continue to work at home after hours/weekends, but at least my social health will be better. I will also enjoy being at home – lately I went through too many of stressful times while trying to do work at home. It is time that I experience what “home” means.

Taking the bus and walking: Last week was good in terms of taking the bus in the morning and walking in the afternoons (back to home). I do not want to waste anymore dimes on the cab (although I love it – so easy and comfy. Also the cabbies are always nice and very talkative). BUT I want to keep my money for more important things. I must keep my money for more important things.

Eating better: I have done well in the last two weeks by eating a variety and healthy food. I still sometime munch on candy or chocolate, but I cook more and eat more salad. The lettuce seems to be doing the magic 🙂

Stretching and elbow exercises: My physiotherapy continues and my elbow has been feeling better but not quite healed. I was given a new exercise last Friday that aims to smooth the muscles around my elbow (they are very tight). The effect was instantaneous and I cannot think about not doing these exercises! I feel so lucky and hopeful that my elbow will be like new quite soon 🙂

Budget and frugal life-style:  This is a long one.

I have been struggling with keeping up with my budget and that makes me feel bad. Literally bad. I have had a very successful history of highly effective budget and saving as much as I can. Last year was hugely successful.

However, I have not started this year well and I am way above my weekly budget and cannot save much from my pay check. This is ridiculous – I have some payments coming up; one soon for a plane ticket to Europe and another one for an investment account (an annual sum that challenges me each year, but I keep making it knowing that in the future it will be so useful). According to my calculations, unless I save around a good sum of money each month, it looks like I will not be able to make pre-payments and I will have to tap into my line of credit account.

WHAT??

An additional debt? Was mortgage not good enough??

By the way; why did Bank of Canada increased its interest rate? Argh.. Now the major Canadian banks are increasing their mortgage rates and they predict further increases in the future. My term ends in 2 years and with increased tax and no salary increase, how the hey am I supposed to pay my mortgage, invest for my retirement, and have a comfortable life all at the same time ??

……..

Going back to my frugality plan; all I have to do is to start being responsible and motivated about savings again. Which is hard. I meant to do this almost everyday lately. I know that it will happen one day, but when is that day? Tomorrow? Monday? Next week? 

I chose Monday – wish me luck 🙂

 

 

 

back from Europe

I am back from business trip / vacation at a European country. Greece to be exact. 

While it was great to be away, the business meeting went really well, and I much appreciated the opportunity to just sit and see a museum or two, I must say the corruption of the cab drivers (they extra charge and they are not ashamed about this, or not turning the meter on, or picking up a second passenger and collect fees from both you and them!!!!!) and the hatred of the Greek people towards some nations/immigrants threw me away very strongly this time.

I plan to not go there again.

Sorry, not sorry.

I know many nations that promote hatred and many nations do not. Be more like those which do not.

Shame on all of you countries/governments/cultures, who do promote hatred of others. 

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Other than this I think I am okay.

I was in a pretty edged-shaped right before I started the trip, and the first two days of it I constantly and very annoyingly fought with everyone in my mind! It was so strong that I needed to just sit down and self-therapy myself.

Here is a excerpt from the self-therapy:

………………………..

it is okay to know

it is okay not to know

it is okay to be angry

it is okay to think

it is okay to feel

…………………..

It was very effective. Instead of labeling things as “good” or “bad”, being neutral to anything in life may be boring but also does not create any expectation or frustration. My new realization 🙂

It is okay to feel, and it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to be okay…..

🙂

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Today I am slowly back to my routine and I really am enjoying it.

I hope you all have had a great week and are enjoying the weekend 🙂

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slowly slowing down

I have been slowing down the work, and stress as a result, in the last two days. I am feeling good and ready to come back to my regular self. Not yet, but soon.

I developed this fear that the moment I will relax, something else will happen. So I am keeping my guard up for any new events to show up. A tiring feeling.

Next week will be busy with drafting and finalizing a project that I have been working on for some time. Including many people in it is an opportunity for a better project, but managing conflicts and everybody’s interest is not something I am looking forward to. I try to convince myself that this is neither the first nor the last time that I will have to handle such a complex team dynamic, so eventually things will be better. Eventually I will forget or move on with a valuable experience. This is good 🙂

While I am officially off today, I went to office and had two meetings with my team  members. Since these meetings move our own work, I am happy to show up at the office. However, I realized once more how much I resent doing little work that others can do. What a waste of time for me while more important issues wait my attention/time and my team members can take care of the little points themselves with a little bit effort. That is a dilemma… I guess if I was not such a control freak and aim to do high quality work, I would eagerly let my team members to take care of the fine points. Yet the past experience says that they are still young and not highly experienced, so to ensure that we will have a good product, I feel like there is no other option, but me being directly doing the work… Tiring… But the reward is well worth it… Still resenting it, though…

I finished working at home in the afternoon and was ready to do something different. Honest to goodness, nothing came to my mind.. Shopping? Walking? Seeing a movie? Watching TV? None…. I could not even think about reading a book. I understood that my transition from fast and high-volume work to my regular work load (and mental relaxation) has not finalized yet. Give me a couple of more days…

Yesterday I made a list of things that I have done in the last 5 weeks (the start of my work staycation period). I liked what I have seen :)))) There are so much done in that period of time. Yes, it was hard on me, very stressful and threw me off my routine, but eventually I have done what I meant to do. New issues are emerging and some of my tasks are not done yet, but I keep this list somewhere close to me so that I can look at it and find motivation and satisfaction. That was one great idea that I am glad I have come up with 🙂

I remember seeing a profile of a surgeon somewhere in Canada. He was just appointed as a director of a large unit. In that news, he mentioned something like “I am looking forward to challenges this position may/will bring and resolving them“. I always thought that this was odd, as I take challenges quite serious and it takes extraordinary mental energy to resolve some of the issues. So, I do not know whether he just said that, as it was expected from a director/leader, or has indeed a personality that can look at challenges without getting emotionally and energy-wise drained. I know some people are better in handling challenges and I want to believe that that person in fact stated the truth. This would mean that there is still room for me to develop and achieve that mental attitude.

Tomorrow is another day. I will see what the day will bring. Until then, I am off to preparing a nice dinner and watching the X-Files 🙂

 

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I want to go back to my regular self

It is not good to work under stress and undertake too much.

It is not good to eat junk.

It is not good to drink so much soft drink per day.

It is not good to spend money on cab while I can take the bus or walk.

It is not good to feel like nothing I work on moving while they actually do.

I want to be fine again, like prior to 5 weeks ago when I was walking, eating healthy, visiting thrift stores, saving money, and feeling great about myself.

I really do.

I think it is time that I take a couple of days really off and slowly start doing what I used to enjoy; thrift stores will be a good start. Hopefully sometime soon.

joy journal – August 11, 2017

It has been a long time that I have written this journal.

I must remember to do this especially when I am feeling down – there is nothing uplifting more than being grateful for events, memories, things, people, and experiences that give us hope, positivity, happiness, opportunity, and a break from all the chatter and clutter.

1. I am grateful for waking up early today; 6.30 am to be exact. When you wake up so early you have all the time in your hands. Also it is such a quiet time of the day; no traffic no phone calls. Precious.

2. I am grateful for being off today. I worked only lightly in the morning. It was enough. I have had enough. The rest of the day except email correspondences I have not dealt with work. This gave me some chance to just sit down and relax. I was tired too – at noon I have felt quite drained and lied down for a while. It was beautiful.

3. I am grateful for doing routine stuff today; house chores! How joyful it was to be able to engulf in a simple yet effective work for a change! I cleaned the house, did the laundry, did grocery shopping, and finally cut the grass in the yard! The last one was on my list in the last 6 weeks – the time was right today. I feel relieved – one more long-standing task is done and gone (for now, of course; I gotta repeat this in two weeks, but until that time….).

4. I am grateful for the little potato that one of my potato plants have produced! One of the plants turned yellow and I wanted to check it. And there they were, 6-7 little potatoes….. what a wondrous thing to experience… I am awed. Honestly 🙂

5. I am grateful for going through hardship and relaxing into it now. These were all work related and I am gaining somethings really good and losing somethings really important. Losing is not a great feeling, but that prompted to me to make plans for my future. I resist less to the issues and things I have lost, and focus more on what I can gain. I was right about that feeling last week or so; my life is shaping as a result. I hope it to be a good one. 

6. I am grateful for the warm weather outside that keeps us warm and windows open. There is something lovely about having the fresh air inside and feel the breeze…. Lightness! Yes, this is the feeling it does give – lightness! Being free of worries and nerve-racking things. Being in the moment and enjoying this simple act. Precious! 🙂

7. I am grateful for being ready for the dinner tomorrow. I will have two couples as guest, good friends. I have everything sorted out and the menu being realistic. Tomorrow will be a busy day but hopefully a fun day, too.

8. I am grateful for feeling better now 🙂

what the day brings, you take it – II

I woke up at 6.30 am with lots of annoying thoughts in my mind.

Quitting and accepting failure crossed my mind, but something also kept me up beat and optimistic. It can be acceptance of the future, belief in a brighter future, or realizing that this is not the first adversity and issue filled time in my life, nor I am the first one to go through a similar time.

Things got better around noon and I realized things are not as bad as I think it would be or were. There were times that I have had similar experiences in the past. I guess our minds are programmed to consider all bunch of situation and focus on resolving the worst possible scenarios. This is taxing, is it not?

This being said, there were times that I thought things were better than they in reality were. Lack of insight? Lack of information? Lack of experience to think comprehensively? You decide.

I really miss my regular routine of walking to office, working, walking back to home, reviewing the flyers on Wednesday to decide my shopping list, grocery shopping on Thursdays, doing house chores on Saturday and sourdough baking on Sunday. Perhaps it is the best. Perhaps I was lazy and fell into the comfort of this routine. It is hard to know. What I know is that time to time life and work can get really challenging. Hold on to life at these difficult times and trust that it will get clear and better. It must be. It always is.

I today believe in this.

 

The third day of the “work” staycation

Today went really well in terms of the work I have been trying to fix. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! 🙂

Honestly the stress levels I have right now is huge. I want to take things one thing at a time, but how do we achieve that when there are multiple things at hand? Challenge… I need more than ever my logical self and sound mental state.

Overall, though I am feeling calmer and more optimistic after finding solutions to the work at my hand. Until next time…..

I have not dwelled on my Saturday routine today, except I prepared sourdough to bake tomorrow. For some reason I do think that my home is clean enough and the laundry can wait till I run out of clean items (boy, did that ever happen to me? Never…). I did not go pick up milk, either. Luckily I have some at home and my kefir granules are all fed and happy. 

Tomorrow is another day and another work marathon, but I must take it as it is. While work-list is stressing me too much, I also find the satisfaction in taking care of them. Those times require complete focus and I do have it for now. But i am feeling like having no human contact and confined to home for extended periods of time will take its toll on me. So I am likely to go to office and do some work there on Monday. Talking about “work” staycation.

I wonder why I always loved my line of work but could not handle stress very well. I know my remedy is cardio exercise. It clears up the fogs and illusions in my mind like a wizard’s rod. Terrific and electrifying truth. So electrifying that I cannot get myself up and do some hiking. How great I would feel! So why is this laziness and reluctance? 

Am I funny or what?

🙂

Making fun of myself always feels great 🙂

Have a great Saturday everyone!

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The second day of the “work” staycation

Today went well too; worked more or less without much of a distraction and it felt good to be able to do this.

My anxiety levels are still high, though, and unless I find a way to reduce it, I am afraid it may escalate. So I will be making a good effort to go back to my routine tomorrow; thank goodness it is Saturday tomorrow and I will fill it up with my regular activities, such as cleaning the house, picking up milk from a store, doing laundry, preparing my sourdough for over night rise, and speaking with my family. I must also clean up the yard and pick the weeds and other unnecessary life forms. I never knew how much I would appreciate my daily (and often times boring) highly structured life-style.

I am familiar with anxiety accompanied with shallow breathing and the feeling of being scared of something, someone, a thought. I try to not resist but rather relax into it and mediate the situation with some meditative music and focusing on the positives; I have a great family who supports me; I am doing great work; my home and yard are at a much better shape than last year; I keep budgeting and living frugally; I try to find joy and happiness in little things; there is a wonderful weather outside; I was able to keep my window open the whole day and have fresh air inside; I have good friends who are happy to socialize with me and help me if needed; I have usually a great job that provides me with more than enough money (even though it also makes me feel inadequate – the main reason of my latest anxiety boot).

I feel angry at the conditions that limits me at work and my performance; i am angry at the funding situation for our projects; I am angry at the endless competition we undergo to achieve something; I am angry at the economy; I am angry at myself for not saying “no” more often and often ending up doing other peoples’ works. I am angry at myself for not focusing on the positive and the big picture we call life, rather than all the little antsy bitsy things that I let to annoy me.

I want to feel good and I know that as long as I have this wish, this anxiety will not go anywhere. Wishing to feel good by running away from what I am experiencing is a form of resistance that makes things worse. It is so counter intuitive. I know there are things that I will change and improve as a result of this experience. I just do not know what they are.

The best remedy for anxiety is to trust the unknown. I need to trust to life, the universe if you will, people around me, and more importantly, myself. I may fail at work according to my own or others’ criteria, I know I will get up being better and stronger out of this hurdle. Maybe I will turn things around by being a little bit more smart in protecting my own time and energy, a little bit more lucky, or by changing my own attitude towards myself, my life, my work, my colleagues, my hopes, and my failures. 

I know all of these. 

Now it is time to believe in them.

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a regular Saturday

I am not having an extraordinary Saturday, but it is beautiful like the other ones.

I always loved, loved Saturdays. The day after the school/work week where you are free to do everything you want to do, every store is open, every cultural or entertainment-related attraction/event is available. It is beautiful and I like the sense of “freedom” it usually gives me. 

Like any other Saturday, I may be involved in cleaning the house, doing the laundry, feeding my starter/preparing levain for the Sunday sourdough, getting milk and egg from a store 10 min away, and speaking to my family. It may be all routine, but I still love it! 

It is Saturday! Wherever you are, hope you are having a wonderful day 🙂

 

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is there something called “excitement addiction”?

I feel like I am addicted to excitement and am in constant need of feeling it.

I have been feeling really good, happier, more excited, and calmer in the last 6 weeks or so (I am so grateful for this). These has been mainly because I was able to walk more and see that I have had my energy back; I was able to save more and as a result, buy more (of those that I needed);  I was losing weight and feeling a little bit better; I had developed a new interest (sewing); and I was able to eat better with more diverse and healthier food.

Doing/feeling each of these great things almost every day/week was a constant source of joy and pride that made me excited! 🙂

Yesterday and today I feel like meh for no apparent reason, even though I have so much to be grateful and joyful about.

Is it because these beautiful things/activities became a routine? 

Perhaps it is true – too much of something great may not constantly feel good over the long run. Perhaps I should refrain from and miss those first, for example shopping, to enjoy it next time…Dully noted…

Or maybe, I need to strive/plan/work towards something new?

Oh well.

Maybe all I need is a sewing project 🙂

 

random thoughts

It has been a fine Fall day; a little bit cool but otherwise nice and shinny 🙂 I love this year’s Fall – from the scenery to nice weather, it has given its full potential to our enjoyment.

I have not worked too intense today; I rather left the office at noon and walked to a nearby shopping centre 🙂 It is very rare for me to go shop on a work day, so I loved the fact that I permitted myself a bout of spontaneity – talking about breaking the routine 🙂

My first stop was at a thrifty store, where I found a fine piece of art work for my office 🙂 It is a canvas painting with lots of natural colours, trees, and plants in front of a lovely house with great wooden doors and windows. Just looking at it makes me feel in the nature – loved it 🙂 Money well spent.

I then proceeded to check another store and was able to find two gifts for my neighbours and one of my good friends. I could not believe how affordable they were, which was quite a relief. One of the gifts I purchased was a product of my home country, which made me extra excited 🙂 I thought at first the gifts per se would not be enough but then I decided to supplement them with a freshly baked loaf of bread. The fact that there has been budgetary issues where I am and, lately, my organization increased our pension plan contributions, made me very aware of the limited purchasing power. I believe the gifts are just appropriate and the bread will just make them even better 🙂 So my consciousness is clear.

I also visited my favorite dollar store. Well, the majority of the items are not $1 anymore, but still things are quite affordable when compared to other stores. I am excited about the new oven mints (they are bright red and look so lovely 🙂 ) and the pens (they have been my favorite in the last one year or so) I purchased 🙂 I did not buy everything I wanted to, leaving the joy and excitement of shopping to some other time.

Tomorrow a friend of mine and I are going to a shopping centre again. We would like to put our hands and minds on some craft, so let’s hope we will be able to find those fabrics. I also have been meaning to get some left-over pieces of fabric, which I plan to use during baking/dough preparation. We will see how it goes 🙂

This weekend seems like a triple dose of shopping as I am also planning to go to another shopping centre on Sunday! I know, I know… You are thinking; what is she doing – talking about frugality and saving and then shopping three days in a row? See, sometimes you need to do what excites you. Shopping always does excite me…. I do not buy things that I do not need, so no worries about over-spending. I want to buy a couple of items which are on sale this week, like olive oil, as well as hair dye for which I have a coupon. I also need to buy another set of gifts for my friend, which I am happy to check for sales now rather than later.

So my friends, the holiday season is coming, the sales are on, and gifting is somehow both required and exciting. My past experience is that I spend more than average during the holiday season, but this is mostly to take advantage of the sales. I have a list of things that I hope to catch good sales for and this certainly excites me. I would like to buy new pairs of socks and pants, for example. In the past I was able to get really good deals during the holidays. Then I can forget about looking for them during the rest of the year. So that is what exactly I am planning to do this year too 🙂

Hope everyone will be able to get the exceptional deals and enjoy their purchases 🙂

wish for a better future

I wake up early this morning with lots of thoughts an annoyance in my mind. As being a regular night bird, the early morning hours of course are interesting for me. There is little sound, it is peaceful, but I just do not know what to do as it does not fit my routine. Maybe I will go out to get a cup of coffee.

Since I do not like how I feel (e.g. pressure, not feeling good about myself or others, stress, etc.) I am looking for the causes of these feelings and then to remove them from my life. I decided that perhaps I was too ambitious. perhaps my comfort zone was better for me; where daily life goes on good and without event, I have a routine and it works, and work goes satisfactory.

This kind of a life and serenity leave room for energy and efforts to do better in all aspects of life. I realized I have been pushing my efforts towards the work, but not necessarily my personal life.

I imagined this morning how my future would be and I kind of get scared.

Honestly I have no idea how my future looks. It is blank.

It is likely that I will end up being alone in my old age, possibly need social and medical care, and will need financial security to help being cared.

I am doing my best to ensure my financial future – as long as I keep my work, I am okay.

I should, however, get a healthier life-style; from diet to exercise to better everything. That is a must.

Seeing the future as blank….This was a scary thought at the beginning but then blank can be actually good. Why do I not try to make it better then? Fill with a better life, emotions, memories, joy, and health?

Work is one part of my life and it is time that it takes a much less space in my mind and leaves more room for my own well being and function as a human.

random thougths (mostly on cat ownership)

I woke up early this morning, before 8 am (yes, it is early for me: I usually get up around 9 am). I was wondering how Jamie the cat was. After doing the morning routine (it is routine now, like changing his water and cleaning his litter box), I left him for the first time at home for the day.

The morning was awesome with a cool temperature but nevertheless sunny and walking felt good. I was planning to take the bus, but then feeling the goodness coming out of the day and walking, I decided to walk to office. I was there in 30 min. I found a chance to look at the trees and enjoy the quite morning with little traffic. I really enjoyed this morning walk.

Work went well and after two long meetings, I was back at home in the afternoon to continue to work here. I was wondering how the cat did, and to my joy everything was alright; he was well and nothing at home has been harmed, broken, moved, or trashed by the cat. That felt good and once more I realized what an easy cat he was.

I try to pet him and play with him time to time. I guess it is true what they say; when you ignore them, cats approach you. I must say surprisingly he is the one that wants to lie on my lap, climb on me, or head butt me. It is really interesting that I get so much love and comfort from this cat. I hope he will not change. I hope he will not get frustrated by constantly asking for love/attention from me and getting it maybe 60% of the time.

I feel conscious about this; I feel like I must address all of his needs and wants. I am good with providing him safety and food/water/clean litter (i.e. basic needs). I pet him the majority of the time he wants it, but not always. So far, I did not let him climb on my face or bite my socks. I lift him off my keyboard. I feel like rejecting the poor animal, which makes me quite sad/sorry. I know how it feels to be rejected…..

But I also think that I cannot do everything he wants me to, like play when he wants, scratch when he wants, climb on me, bite me, or let him sleep on my bed. One of my fears is to have a cat who is pretty spoiled…

It turns out we both have rules.

I have a trip to make in October for a week and I wonder how we are going to handle his care. I either need to find someone to house sit him or I will place him in a boarding facility. I do not know how I will and how he will feel about it.

Honestly while it is a great cat, I can tell you it is not all white and black for me. I feel like I cannot give him the attention he needs. When I am away on trips, it is a problem. Since I am used to live alone, I kind of scared of the sudden noises he makes, especially at night. The fact that he becomes more active at night is unfortunate; these are the times that I really need the quiet time for myself. Feeling conscious, having  some kind of remorse, and all bunch of other feelings….

Maybe they were right; I should have fostered him first and then decide to adopt. It feels like the buyer’s remorse; when you buy the house it is exciting first and then it becomes kind of worrisome and you regret its responsibility big time. Until it becomes your routine….

I have not given up yet, but honestly I miss my freedom 🙂

breaking the routine – July 28, 2016

 

Mostly because of the jet-lag I have, I have been getting up around 7 am this week (which is quite early for a late-night bird like myself).

Upon getting up this morning, honestly I did want to spend time in a nearby cafe rather than going to my office. I contemplated a little bit. I thought it was too early for cafe to open, so I spent time browsing the internet at home.

This is to me quite a change as I for over decades felt bad if I had not left the house in 10 min of getting up….

I loved this change that I willingly experienced this morning….

It tells me that I may be okay with spending time at home in the mornings. I can prepare breakfast for myself, for example, which I have hardly done. At least in the last few decades or so, except on horrible snow storms…..Would that not be nice, friends?

Eventually I got bored and took the bus to office at around 9 am. At that point I was feeling hungry, so I treated myself with a cup of coffee and muffins/tea biscuit. I know… I know… Not the bit of healthiest breakfast, but, hey, it felt good and I am glad that I was not lazy and willingly went to the cafe located at my work-place.

Both of these out-of-routine experiences have been good for me to see that sometimes, I am really relax and can get out of my comfort/boring routine zone.

And can enjoy my moments 🙂

breaking the routine – April 16, 2016

This morning, I surprised myself by, instead of going to the same cafe for the same breakfast, going to another cafe 20 min away on foot. I think my mind was busy with thoughts and my feet just started walking towards another direction. When I noticed that I smiled and took this opportunity to visit a cafe I have not been to for some time.

Breakfast (consisting of my regular coffee and bagel combo) was not the best, but I appreciated the change of place. From there, I visited the bookstore and immediately liked and purchased a book about abundance. I then sat at another cafe next to the bookstore, ordered myself a cup of nice coffee, and started reading my book.

After, I decided to visit a local store or two to buy some food. I am particularly excited about the beef bones that I bought and that make awesome soup base/stock! Cannot wait to consume them.

It was a great morning and a great change of routine for me. Nothing feels better when you break the routine, stop doing the same things and visiting the same places.

It was long overdue for me and I was feeling the weight of the boredom lately. I am glad my feet drove me to another direction this morning and I am glad the weather was nice and I had a thin french-coat on me rather than the winter coat, which made walking not only easy but also pleasurable.

have a great Saturday everyone! 🙂

breaking the routine

Taking advantage of the fact that I have got up at 8 am and I had 2 hour before my appointment in the morning, I decided to go get coffee and bagel at a nearby cafe.

I took my time savoring each bit and after that I even walked 30 min to my appointment. There was no slush on the roads, little ice here and there. So walking was not a problem.

Come to think about it, I may as well walk to office every morning (as long as it does not rain or snow). And, if i get up early like today, I may first have my breakfast at the cafe and then walk to my office. That (that is, having breakfast during the work days) would be so unusual of me, but  guess I would like it.

I feel good about this.

random thoughts

Another beautiful day 🙂

It is a little bit crispy when compared to yesterday but there is no snow around and walking and being outside is quite a pleasant experience.

I have got breakfast at a cafe and then walked around the streets. One of the streets is where I used to live prior to buying my own house. I had forgotten what a beautiful street it was. The majority of the houses on that street are quite old and they preserve their character. I love this – I love old neighborhoods and the efforts to keep them as they are. Some of the houses, however, were not managed well and seemed in immediate need of renovation. It breaks my heart to see them like this. After all, what we have is a part of our heritage and it is our duty to preserve it for the next generations – let’s hope they will appreciate these as much as we (or some of us) do.

It is also a quiet street and I made a mental note to walk more there. Since it was a pleasure to be in the neighborhood, I stopped by at another cafe I used to frequently go when I lived in that neighborhood. This must the first time I have been to two different cafe at the same morning 🙂 I liked this change and breaking my routine for no reason and with no plan.

It is great to be spontaneous 🙂

 

 

 

what to do today?

Argh…

I am bored. Tomorrow is the work day and work day means I must make important decisions, particularly an unpleasant one. The right decision is the best one, yet what do we do when the right decision pisses other people and this may return back to me as an issue in future?

Stress is not something I like. But I do not like being wrong, either. All of us must have been at this corner time to time. So you understand me.

I know I have a great day in front me yet I do not know how to spend it. I have been watching a TV series; I guess it is time that I give it a break and try something else.

I considered buying myself a lunch, but decided against it. I may try reading a book, but it is not very appealing right now, either. I am in the mood of exploring things, whether it is the merchandise on the shelves of a store or an unknown part of the city. Honestly I have no interest in going somewhere just to explore this city (the curse of a small and unappealing city), so it looks like it is a store.

I need some excitement, something interesting to do this afternoon and it is a pity that one thing I can come up with is to possibly shop. So be it, but that also tells me how pathetic my daily routine may get.

Enjoy your Sunday and may you all find something nice, exciting, or lovely in this beautiful day.

#BreakingTheRoutine

 

change of the day

While I happen to have a quite simple life, I realized lately that there were still somethings that need to change.

Partly because of the overwhelming feelings lately, the need for change, and my usual laziness :), I have finally today re-arranged the furniture at my home.

The new arrangement is not the best but it gives me a sense of change; my couch is now closer to the beginning of the house and TV/study, rather than being at the back; that changes my perspective and the way I enjoy my house.

I also changed the covers of the couch; previously I had two pieces of covers that were doing an amazing job protecting the fabric from my ink (I use pen a lot and everywhere I sit eventually gets the inks stain) and keeping me warm in this cool environment, yet these covers needed to be straightened up everyday after I sit on the couch. What a silly way to feel like “I have one more thing to do” and waste my emotions, energy, and time on. Now I have one large cover that is also of a great color. This change not only makes my life easier but also energizes me and my home.

I also changed the way my bed was in my bedroom; now it is lining up with another wall in my room. I will be able to get more sunshine in the mornings with this arrangement; this I hope will help me wake up easier in the mornings. I am interested to see how it will feel in the morning.. I hope it will also help me get rid of the thought of “everything is the same”…

I am loving what I have done today; it took time and at one point I was not sure how to fix everything, but now it is done. I am proud of myself and excited at the same time about this change.

cheers 🙂

 

PS; you may ask what my usual laziness have got to do with rearranging the furniture. Changing the covers was motivated by my laziness 🙂 rather than the need for change in the scenery.

random thoughts

I am getting back to feeling very cranky and energyless in the mornings.

I do not know why this is happening, whether it has got something to do with the chilly or gray weather.

I was feeling better in the summer and following my family visit. Now, in the last few days getting up has been a difficult thing for me, something that I do not enjoy; the thoughts that go through my mind this morning was “how boring it is; now I will do the same things again; use the bathroom, put on the clothes, put on the makeup, go down, contemplate about walking, taking the bus or the cab, feel bad about the idea of walking or waiting at the bus stop even though after these I will feel quite good about myself, or take the cab and feel pampered but will lack the feeling of accomplishment coming from walking or taking the bus..”.

I cannot be excited or joyful in the mornings. I feel late to the office should I take the bus or walk, only because I cannot get up early in the morning. I am tired of this mental judo every morning.

Where am I going like this?

This feeling I have in the mornings is not fun.

I am fed up doing the same things and then get bored.

I am in need of changing a number of things, including my morning routine.

I am planing to change the organization of the furniture in the bedroom to get some kind of change – let’s see whether it will be helpful.

I may want to invest in a radio in my bedroom to listen to it in the morning – maybe it will lift my mood.

I know affirmations or taking some time at home prior to going to the office may change my mood, but I really cannot see myself doing this. Unless I get up early.

And I know if I go to bed early, I can get up early, too and I may feel less pressurized to arrive to the office as early as possible.

I do not know what will work better.

But I know I am fed up of this feeling.

what was important

I know I am having an internal dialogue about the things I am not happy with (mostly my bad habits and not being able to work lately due to the trips) and the boring daily routine that I have had.

All the activities and their sequences in my life are predictable; the way I get up, brush my teeth, the way I put on my socks, leaving home after that. Brewing coffee right away as soon as I arrive the office, checking the emails, attending to the meetings, coming home (usually by walking), changing my clothes, cooking or preparing something to eat, then the relaxations by browsing on the net and blogging.

I am a person of habit, having a system that keeps things in track. It is not always bad as it also makes my life efficient. It is just boring. very boring.

I know I am not the only one living like this or saying this. So I do not feel like having a unique situation. But I really would like this to change. I would like to be more spontaneous and less structured. I also would like to work better and more.

I have an interesting relationship with my work; I feel a lot better when I work. I feel a lot better when things are completed. I feel a lot better when I can take care of the projects and work.

In the last month, I was not able to do so mostly due to the trips I have taken. I must confess I also liked being away from the work and visit new places and being in the moment. Being away from the office also meant stress as I had to work harder to complete things prior to the trips. But it is time that I go back to my work as before. I should not be hard on myself as I also have worked and accomplished quite a bit lately; my widely praised presentation that got positive feedback from many is a good example. I just need to finish the other stuff. Stuff that has been on my list for months. Time to get them done! 🙂

Timing is also great as the holidays season is coming. I usually take 10-12 days off during this time. That means I can really kick it until then so that I can enjoy both the satisfactory feeling of already taken care of my work and the time off from it.

So I am going to just do that. One thing I need to stop doing is working at home. It is lovely and the majority of the time effective, but it also makes me too relax. I guess I will commit to being in the office and working there from now on. I will work at home only when being in the office is unbearable (which does not happen too much).

I will also come up with plans to enrich my weekend life; whether this will be going and checking out stores, shopping malls, or bookstores, I gotta do this. I know I am on shopping ban for many items and I have a budget, but I will have to trade money with enriching my life with other activities and experiences.

This morning, I thought “what is important in my life?”. Here is the list:

1. my mental and physical health: eating better and exercising, losing weight a long the way (hopefully), having a content and less boring life, getting rid of unhealthy habits, taking care of myself better and improved personal care.
2. family and friends: their well being and support are important to me.
3. work: I love it and I want to be more successful. It also helps me with how I feel about myself, my support to family and friends, and my financial health. that is why it is important. But it should not mean that for the work, I should forget what if more important (number 1 and 2 above)
4. financial health: as much as I can do; not more important than myself or my family’s well being at this point. Fully dependent on my work and my performance.

I now will go away and contemplate on how I can do better in these aspects of my life.

have a great sunday everyone 🙂

a change is an opportunity to change something else

You know I will have a couple of trips this month, which really excites me.

Mostly because I love traveling, seeing other places, and people. Leaving things behind, even for a short term, is a great freedom and the fact that I will also break my overly-routine daily life, I have extra bonuses that add up to my excitement 🙂

Breaking the routine is a great thing as doing the same things, eating the same food, going to the same places for coffee, like a robot every single day is such a boring thing. Do not get me wrong, it is also very useful as it makes life organized and going on smoothly. Finding a balance between the usefulness and boredom is what the challenge is. I have good efforts to break my routine, which I am determined to continue 🙂

Anyways; there is one or two things I would like to remove from my daily life (unhealthy and unnecessarily expensive habits). I have been thinking about them, planning and putting in effort for some time, yet I was not so far able to fully get rid of them. I have confidence that I am capable of doing these changes, but I always find an excuse not to and it is tiring really.

So, I am trying to make my mind, get really determined to make these changes at the same time with my trips; I believe the change of environment and daily routine will help me forget my routine here (that also contains these habits) when I come back. So, this may be in fact a great opportunity for me to achieve these changes.

While logically I fully agree that this can work and it is for my best interests, I am emotionally still hesitant. I feel like I need to focus more on this, write and think about it so that I can really implement these changes. In other words, I feel the need to convince myself further.

Wish me luck in this journey 🙂

breaking the routine – September 1, 2015

I have a peculiar preference for apples – I like Golden delicious and Mcintosh most. Others, I am not really into that much and would not even buy.

Or….. that is what  used to think.

I bought a nice bag of mcinstosh two weeks ago. It was delicious as usual but at the weekend I have found two small caterpillar-like things in the tray that holds the apples. I not only immediately dumped the apples (an the creatures), but also developed a dislike for mcintosh apples.

So this week I was shopping and there was no Golden delicious. Knowing how great is apple for me (makes me feel better, my gastrointestinal system is happy, it is a great snack at the office or at home, and once purchased it lasts for a week or so), I needed to buy a different kind of apple.

It was Gala apples. Honestly their colour does not appeal me and I did not think I would ever enjoyed them. But to my surprise they are actually tasty.

I welcome this change and I am glad that the mentioned circumstances helped break my routine.

random thoughts

What a beautiful day 🙂

The handyman fixed my faucet locks and drained my water boiler – they recommend it every year, though the handyman said he did not bother about it at home 😉 Well, that is alright; next year I can get servicing, see whether there is anything that needs to be alarming or going bad about it. Someone had said if I get it serviced, it could last 7 years, if not then change it every 5 years. Sounds good to me; I will get it serviced in the 6th year and get professional opinion.

I made a great change his morning – I went to another cafe for breakfast. Yep, I still ate bagels but this time I have got it with cream cheese, not butters. Change felt good, though I still need to find an healthier alternative to bagels. Does not matter how much I like something (e.g. my favorite cafe), it is good to give a break time to time; it was getting too familiar, too routine. I am happy with my decision to go to somewhere else this morning.

Otherwise, how am I doing? Good. I had a healthy lunch. But most importantly, I went through my kitchen drawers and the pantry. Those teas and spices which are beyond their expiry day are now rightfully in the garbage. I have found 4 cans of food somewhere, 36 rolls of paper towel (why did I keep buying them??), 15 sponges to be used (again, why bought??), an incredible amount of cleaning clothes, and garbage and recycling bags that I had forgotten I had… And, how about the facial tissues that I thought I was running out of? Yep…..

You got the idea; we need to go thru our stuff time to time to know what we have what we need. I seem to buy stuff (like paper towels) out of habit, which now is mounting in my kitchen. And, the fact that I did not look at them carefully and thought some of them were  toilet papers,  I also realized that I am running out of toilet papers.

I have a lot of dried food: dried beans, chickpeas, rice, cracked wheat, dried peppers, okra, and eggplant. I need to, I want to integrate them into my weekly menu so that I can consume them, not waste them. Yesterday I came up with the idea of buying a pressure cooker. It will help with my time and especially with cooking the beans that I keep eating out of the can. As soon as I do my research and decide which one to purchase, I am getting one.

It felt really good to be going thru the stuff, dumping unusable ones, and noticing what I have. I so far did this with the bedrooms, kitchen, and two of the bathrooms. I now am onto the living room, boy, which is gonna be though 🙂 Books and all the paperwork/stationary items that need to be sorted are giving me the chills 🙂 I also need to decide which books and CDs to keep, which ones to donate; that is not gonna be easy, but I will do this 🙂

cheers everyone

breaking the routine – August 22-23, 2015

what a beautiful, peaceful Sunday – hope everyone is having a similar experience.

While I like the time spend out of office, I also get bored of doing the same things with the same routine at the weekends; clean the house, do the laundry, get breakfast at the same cafe, shop at the same grocery store, walk on the same streets. These are the times I really would like to move to a bigger city where there are more streets, more attractions, more stores, and more opportunities to experience difference in the daily life.

Anyways, I have broken my routine twice this weekend; first I went to shopping yesterday after cleaning the house. I needed to buy a couple of stuff for home maintenance that I kept delaying. It is done now. And as per today, I happened to notice a second-hand item market available on sunday one street below. I checked it out and bought a second hand purse, which I started using right away. It cost me 2 bucks but is in good quality. I made a mental note to check it every weekend.

Now back to my routine. hey, maybe reading some of the blogs will lift my boredom 🙂

cheers everyone

random thoughts

A little bit grey day, which will likely turn into rain in the afternoon. And that is okay; I do not plan to be outdoors and the seeds in the yard need water. Great! 🙂

Even though I find doing the same routine over and over boring, I also appreciate it time to time. Got up, had breakfast and worked at the favorite cafe, cleaned the house and keeping the windows open to refresh the indoor air, and doing the laundry. Pretty much the same things I do at the weekends, in the same order 🙂 But they need to be done (e.g. the house work) and the breakfast and the ability to comfortably work at a nearby cafe are amazing. Plus, when I am done with them, I have the freedom to work, read books or blogs, or explore topics on the net, which add an additional level of pleasure to the weekends. Thus, my routine may be boring, but when it is done, it frees time and provides a sense of accomplishment with the activities in it.

It is only afternoon and I have plenty of time to spend the rest of my day the way I wish or the way it excites me. Exploration and learning are always fun. So which topic should I explore today?

I decided to continue with de-cluttering; I have already started with the emails and accounts. This is what I plan to accomplish today. Then, I will switch my decluttering activities to my house. I have so much stuff stocked up here and there and which I can easily get rid of: books that are not interesting anymore, those clothes that I cannot fit into, the paperwork here and there, and all the extra items I bought once hoping that I would use them somehow. Those in good conditions can go to the charity and the rest to the garbage.

Let the electronic, itemic, and emotional cleaning to continue 🙂

happy weekends everyone.

random thoughts

It is a beautiful bright and warm day. Could not ask for more of weather. Is it not awesome that the weather has such a positive effect?

Kind of a regular Saturday for me – the routine is the same; getting up, getting breakfast and doing light work at the favourite cafe, cleaning and aerating the house, and doing laundry. these may be routine, but they feel great nevertheless; the ability to waking up, the ability to buy myself breakfast, the ability and motivation to do work at the weekend, the great feeling after seeing my home cleaned and organized. Routine or not, many things to be grateful for.

One change I have made today was to switch to my recliner – time to give a break to the couch. The good thing: where I sit now, I am capable of hooking my sound system and listen to the music thru my computer. That is great. A couple of days ago my next door neighbours were having a barbecue party and they were listening to nice, upbeat music. I enjoyed listening to it and now I can do that myself.

have a great, shiny, and happy Saturday everyone.

breaking the routine – May 1, 2015

For the first time today, I baked a frozen pizza at home.

breaking the routine – April 4, 2015

I talked to a pharmacist and based on my symptoms, she says I have flu.

Irony is that after 5-6 years, this year I had had the flu shot to get protected from it. Turns out it is not as effective as it was once assumed this year.

Ok – I have no problem with that; I know my body can fight this infection and help improve my immune system. So I am not complaining about fever, chills, muscle and headache, runny nose and sneezing. I am also not complaining about temporarily losing my taste buds; I could even eat sour kiwi fruit today. Or, lying/sitting on the couch, not doing what usually I would do. I am also not complaining about having 1-2 days off next week, until my symptoms disappear.

What other reason than having flu to break my routine? 🙂

stay well everybody.

breaking the routine – April 1, 2015

I did something unusual yesterday and took one of my books with me to my bed – I just lied on my belly for a couple of minutes, head positioned opposite of the wall, not necessarily reading the book, but savouring the moment of change and thinking “when it was that my belly had ever felt that way (i.e. crushed between my weight and the bed)”.

I may not have read the book as I had intended to, yet thinking the thought above tells me that I was totally in the moment and paid attention to my body sensations.

Good job!

breaking the routine – March 31, 2015

I combed my hair in the morning.

breaking the routine – March 30, 2015

well; my list seems to be long today 🙂

1. I did walk from office to home (after a few weeks of taking the bus).

2. I woke up easily and almost joyful; not grumpy as I almost always am.

3. I did not stress myself over work and all worked very smoothly today.

4. I made a concious choice of not drinking the 3rd cup of coffee.

breaking the routine – March 28, 2015

I cannot say I did break my routine for today yet, but at least it is a constant idea in my mind. I know since I have been focusing on it constantly for some weeks now, I will eventually take steps to change. I just do not know when, or how.

But, an exciting prospect for me is to go to shopping this evening. I used to shop during the day – all the time actually. However, as soon as my laundry is done in an hour, I will take the bus, go to a shopping mall, and look around and purchase the items I need. I kind of missed seeing the city in late afternoon/in dark (walking back from office to home in late afternoon or in dark does not count). I want to see people around, in a relaxing environment as a shopping mall, and look around and say “there is life”. yes, there is life in the form of human activities, without thinking about the day that much, and I can actually enjoy it.

I am excited about this 🙂

breaking the routine – March 24, 2015

Ok.. albeit with no concious effort on my side, today I did break my daily routine by joining a visitor and two of my colleagues at a lovely dinner, filled with great and informal conversations.

That also means that I came home later than usual, and thus I am able to spend less time with the computer tonite than usual.

So, one event, two changes to my routine…. I love this 🙂

breaking the routine – March 22, 2015

I have not done anything differently today, but I am aware the things I have to change; here is a short list of things I would like to do:

1. spend less time with the computer

2. everyday eat healthy; every single day eat raw vegetables

3. walk more, take the stairs at the office, start the yoga again

4. think less about issues; breathe and relax

5. stretch everyday

6. each weekend, do something you do not usually do. Go to different stores and explore; buy a new book and read; cook something new; go to a movie; start a hobby; call someone I have not talked in a long time; write more poems or stories; shop at a different mall.

7. everyday; smile more; take a break at work; comb your hair (yes I usually do not do that..); bring lunch in; enjoy any activity other than sitting at the couch; engage in more meaningful activities; give hope to someone.

8. be okay with the idea of going to bed earlier so that I can get up early, too.

9. laugh more; sing more; relax more.

10. do something good for your body every..single..day..

breaking the routine – March 18, 2015

1. A software problem led me to work on a team-members’s computer this afternoon. That person was away today so I was able to handle the work. The keyboard, the mouse, and the monitor… they were all different.

2. Preparing a healthy meal without falling in the laziness trap for dinner is my best activity today.

3. For the first time I guess, I shovelled snow upon returning back to home in the evening. How come I did not get indifferent to the snow and how I did not feel lazy, I have no idea.

4. This morning, I made a choice to hum a song upon getting up! Hilarious, yet made me feel good! gotta do that more often 🙂

breaking the routine – March 17, 2015

With or without choice, here are the things I have done differently today;

1. For the first time in my life, this morning I spent around 45 min to open a passage to get out of my home. For the first time!! There was a lot of snow yesterday, but the city’s snow plows should have worked during the night/early morning to put the snow in the street to the front of my house.

2 I ate  salad after a month or so. Happy to eat raw vegetables as part of my new recent “healthy eating” choice.

3. I started real work at the office quite late – may be 3pm or so and continued to work till 7.30. I am surprised because my energy would usually drain in the afternoons. Must be the benefit of the long weekend 🙂

breaking the routine – March 16, 2015

I must admit, the snow storm today helped (or forced) me to do somethings new or different;

1. I was bored being at home and dealing with agitating work emails; so I decided to enjoy my day and took action. It did work well.

2. Due to the snow storm, I went to another coffee house but not my favourite one.

4. Due to the snow storm, shovelled quite a bit; this was the largest snow bank I needed to clean from the front of my house.

2. I watered my plants, which I would usually do at the weekends.

5. Made concious choice and ate some raw vegetables.

breaking the routine – March 14, 2015

I have not made any attempt to break my routine today, which is not pleasing me in any way. But one of my friends invited me to an Irish music band show, which I gladly accepted. It was fun to be with my friends, have nice and funny conversations, and to not spend my evening at home, as I usually do.

Friends are awesome!

They also gave me the idea that the theatre where the show was tonite actually have other activities all around the year. It is just 10 minutes away from home. How about that?

Friends are awesome in so many different ways!

breaking the routine – March 11, 2015

Okay.. today was another agitating day at the office. I seriously need to take a break and cool down…. I need to “break” that “agitation” cycle that has become a “routine” for me lately.

In terms of “breaking my routine” in life, I was not spontaneous or mindful enough to note the feeling of “I am doing it! I am breaking my routine!”. Just by chance while waiting the bus on the way back home, I took the bus that passes a little bit away from my house. That helped me to see a different route and also walk a little bit longer than usual. Most importantly, it helped me to go to the store and do my grocery shopping. I usually shop on thursday-saturday time frame. So let’s hope that was a change today that helped me to break my routine.

I really would like to break my routine and change things, activities, places, and thus experiences. I think I need to pay more attention to this exciting idea.

time to plan 🙂

breaking the routine (or not) – March 10, 2015

I have had a weird day; yesterday night I took my time browsing the net, writing, reading, and enjoying my time ; I had great time actually 🙂 only because I had decided I would not go to office today.

OK – so I took my time getting up as well – got up after 10 am. then the moment I stepped in my living room, I got bored; I did not want to go to my favourite cafe for breakfast, and I did not want to go for shopping!!

What happened to me I have no idea; so I went to office.

Now; is being spontaneous, i.e. going to the office today even though I had planned not to, considered “a change” or not?

If not, I have done nothing to break my routine.

weird. weird. weird day….

simplified life, routine, and the change

I am eager to keep a simple life style and daily life so that once a system is establish, my time and energy can be leveraged to more important things in life (such as work).

I am happy to have a simple daily system and way of life; yet when everyday repeats themselves over and over, it gets boring.

So today I was bored with the prospect of spending this beautiful sunday with the same activities, often with the same sequence, and thus together with the encouragement of family members, I have tried different things; I have changed the cafe house I go every saturday and sunday and landed up in a nearby nice cafe; my regular breakfast that I am so fond of was not available so I tried soup (which was awesome). I walked a little bit longer and it felt good. I did my grocery shopping the first thing in the morning, which I regularly do on thursday or friday afternoons. I am sitting in my kitchen table with my laptop and working/blogging. I even had my favourite tea at the table, which felt good.

Now I am excited to plan what else I can change (little changes, nothing too drastic) every day to make everyday interesting and new.